new here!

[amongthewildflowers]

Hello! New to the forum, really need some people to talk to who can relate to how I feel.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and it explains so much of how I lived my life up until age 39. I was always on the go, and had to have really elaborate schedules and methods of organization in order to get through each day. I was mostly successful! But I often wondered if everyone around me needed as much crap to get through the day.

I finally met a man (at age 38) who loved me and was good to me, unlike most of my last relationships.

I moved to be with him, and started a crazy job which was 1) extremely boring and 2) the commute zapped all my energy. This is around the time i got tested for ADHD. Has anyone else had the a-ha! moment because of a partner coming into their life?

I was put on Wellbutrin which has been a GODSEND, but it has zapped all my creativity. I'm 41 now, in a place financially where I can go off on my own and work for myself with my fiance - but I'm literally frozen and unable to schedule my day. I lose my shit if I don't sleep well and get up early in the morning - its like the whole day is wasted to me. I don't know how to structure my time and my boyfriend is like, "you dont' really have to!" but unlike my neurodivergent ass, he doesn't need 3 calendars to get through the day. And if one thing goes wrong, he doesn't totally melt down and freeze.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I don't know what to do - I feel like I've gotten worse with my illness (especially not knowing it even effected me for so long, although there were so many signs), and the guilt, fear, and shame are just making it unable to for me to do the things I want to do. It isn't so much a lack a motivation rather a "where do I start" moment.

It has exhausted my fiance to the point where he feels he doesn't know what he's gotten himself into and he thinks I'm doing it TO him, and it's all my pride, etc. I can't blame him because I think unless you have this sort of brain it's hard to not take it personally. and he's been so patient.

How do I get through my days without total meltdowns? How do I approach tasks and be able to ask my fiance for help in a way that isn't super desperate and also communicates my needs well? If I feel misunderstood I just meltdown and I'd like to stop that. I'm not sure why I didn't do that for the last like....decade and a half of my adult life, but now I can't seem to stop it. I've always been able to achieve what I want - and now I feel like a child and don't know how to fix it.

[amongthewildflowers]

also, i realized I used the words "boyfriend" and "fiance" in this post - it's the same dude! we just got engaged so I'm still getting used to using the right word

[STEM_Dad in reply to amongthewildflowers]

I think it was plain enough that you were talking about the same person based on the narrative, but thanks for clarifying.

Congratulations on your engagement!

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community amongthewildflowers !

New diagnosis, new relationship and new to working for yourself... sounds like a lot of change over the last few years. (All sound like good changes to me.)

There's a lot that comes to mind, but I don't have the time at the moment, so I'll try to come back here later to respond.

The systems that worked for you before might not work the same, because you're working for yourself now. Your mindset will be different.

Meds making you feel less creative...I went through that, too. If you just started Wellbutrin, then it might be just part of the adjustment to it. However, it might also be an indication that the dosage to higher than you need. It would be worth talking about with your doctor.

• Also, it sounds like you're experiencing anxiety. (Please correct me if I'm mistaken.) If that has increased since starting on the meds, that might also be an indication that the dosage needs to be adjusted, or that you might need to try a different medication. However, the apparent anxiety might also be due to the change in circumstances, or simply due to the stress of your old systems not working as well.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

amongthewildflowers , to follow up on my previous reply...

New diagnosis:

• I got diagnosed with ADHD in September 2020, at the age of 45. So, relatively recently, like you. There are a lot of members of this community who go diagnosed well into adulthood, like us. There's a definite learning curve, and it's pretty normal to go through adjustments, medication changes, etc. With ADHD, it's also fairly common to experience times in your life when you are dealing with anxiety or depression. Some of us have on of those conditions persistently. Your original post make me think that you are experiencing anxiety, as I mentioned I'm my earlier reply [see above].

New relationship:

A couple of years ago, I did a deep dive into learning all I could about new relationships. (It was for an unhappy reason. My wife left me for someone else, so I was heartbroken and seeking answers to 'why, why, why?'. No sympathy needed...I'm past my grieving period, and I've accepted what is.)

• New relationships naturally bring on heightened emotions. In some people, these can be very intense. On average, the intensity comes down within the first few years (18 months on average, according to what I've read). This is commonly known as the "Honeymoon period", but it depends on the duration of the relationship, not on the status of being married or not. After this time, relationship partners become less enamored and notice each other's flaws more. They are the same people they've been all along...they are just seeing each other without the effects of the heightened levels of neurotransmitters that the body releases during the earliest phase of the relationship. ...

• After the honeymoon period is over, relationships begin to require more work. That's when commitment becomes more important than attraction. Love shows up in different ways during different phases of the relationship. (I was married for 20 years, and it wasn't always easy, but even though it didn't end well, I think it was still worth everything that I put into it. I have no regrets.)

• You and your fiancé need to look forward with your relationship. Accept each other as you are. Build on the foundation that you've made already, but learn to grow together and build together. Be open and honest (never in a harsh way), be caring and considerate, and be genuinely curious about each other (likes, dislikes, feelings, interests, values, beliefs, etc). And keep in mind that you will each continue to change over time...both of you are dynamic beings.

Regarding the changes to what you do for work:

• I think you're brave to work for yourself. It can be very challenging to do so. Not the least of which reasons is that you become both the boss and the employee. It can make holding yourself accountable a totally different process than when you worked for someone else.

• Don't give up on the things that worked for you before, but consider that you will have to try different things as well. I could make all kinds of suggestions, but I keep bouncing from one strategy to another because I haven't found a single method that has continued to work for me to help me stay productive.

• I do know now that when you find something that works at some point, you need to keep that in your playbook, because it might work well again. ADHD is marked by some degree of variability, adapting and adjusting to new things again and again. (We can be very clever and innovative... because we have to be just to get by in this world.)

Don't ever give up on yourself. Acceptance is one of the most important things... acceptance of yourself for who you are, acceptance of your present circumstances, but also know that you have the ability to change your circumstances (which will take effort).

I've heard the advice multiple times that in order to compensate for ADHD, we should build as much structure into our environment as possible. That will give us the stability we need to then leverage the positive qualities that our ADHD brings... creativity, innovation, energy, enthusiasm, curiosity, etc.

[Lilwonder]

I feel you. I work casual and on days I do not have shifts booked I'm lost. I try to book at least one "appointment" daily that I can hang my hat on and work my day around. But honestly, I'm still horrible about getting anything done, even things I really want to do. i'm open to suggestions.

[Dovewell]

Additude magazine website has some great free webinars and podcasts about several of these topics. I am still learning about everything myself.

[KCourage]

Long before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was a freelance writer. Every day I had the same schedule. I got up at 6, did not get dressed. Went straight to my cup of coffee and hit my desk where a short to do list and whatever I had written the day before was waiting for me. I'd open my file from the day before and read over what I'd written editing as I went. Sometimes I'd have to slip back in time some. This would get my creative engine running. Then I'd continue writing and keep going for 3 to 6 hours, depending on flow and structure. Some of this time might also be outlining for the future, working on my idea file, etc. But the important part was to get a block of writing done. When I knew I was done for the day, or had hit a snag of some kind, I'd stop and check my to-do list. I had probably done some of it as I wrote. The rest I'd complete as best I could . I would end this part of my day by starting a new list . THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE was I could not go back over what I'd written that day. It was my engine starter for tomorrow. Then I'd move on to meetings or phone calls, research. I generally tried to keep in touch with clients by phone. Late afternoon, I'd go workout, garden, run errands, etc. Rinse and repeat. I did not know I had ADHD. I did know that if I started my work day any other way, I would lose the day. Hope that helps.

[Mamamichl]

I’m about the same age as you (and diagnosed 2-3 years ago), and been with my current partner about the same amount of time. I was also with my ex 10 years, and both guys have adhd as well.i did get the aha moment, but it was when my kid was diagnosed. Something that helped with communication in an argument with my ex was through texting. It allowed us to not yell, not be interrupted, and allowed me to edit. To my hearts desire so I could try to get the same message I wanted. E pressing needs seems less personal if it’s in text as well.

Also, these are great questions with a therapist that specializes in adhd.