Angry with the world

[charlied1983]

Hi I’m new 🤨.. new at this.. newly diagnosed and new on medication!! 😊

Since I can remember I’ve always been angry at the world, angry that for some reason I felt different like an outsider and angry that I never could get stuff right, or done on time or even done at all in some cases. I was known as the wild child in my family ... amongst the friends I did have I was the crazy one who you had to pre warn others about. “She’s a bit loud” “she swears a lot”. I only felt my happiest when I was completely drunk and making a fool of myself or taking drugs. (6 years no drugs) I have such an addictive personality and was so easily lead that I ended up in some stupid situations. But hey I wanted to fit in..

Eventually I pulled myself away from all my friends if the hurt me I would cut contact completely and the others well I was so rubbish with time keeping and keeping dates they kinda gave up on me. For 10 years I’ve tried every antidepressant they have given me just for it to make me feel worse, my partner has put up with my mood swings, childish behaviour, immature emotional outburst... even I feel like a 10 year old out of control sometimes but I’m 35.... 35 and 1 close friend who kinda understands me... 18 months ago I was put on the waiting list for ADHD it was a long 18 months but the minute I was diagnosed I felt like the puzzle in my brain was on the start to getting solved... like somebody actually understood me... all my life I felt different and all of a sudden this person completely knew what I was on about even though I sounded insane... 😀... he started me on Ritalin straight away. Just low dose short release and it’s made such a big impact already, I feel calmer and my outbursts are less my children even say I seem happier, I try and eat clean and drink water to as I want to do all I can to help myself, all these years of compulsive behaviour, addictive personality, no organisation or time keeping, emotional outbursts of anger and childish behaviour and I might be able to actually feel like an adult who has control of her life, I’ve got a hell of a long way to go and it will take time as ADHD does a lot of damage to your survival mechanisms u just learn to survive and exist now it’s learning to live and be part of the world. I’ve wasted so much time on feeling ashamed feeling like a let down, under achieving, angry with the world and thinking everything and everyone is against me... I always knew I wasn’t just depressed and that my forgetfulness wasn’t because I was just lazy and non productive... thank you for reading sorry I ranted on...💪🏻together we are stonger❤️❤️❤️

[Elphaba-]

We have the same story! I’m 34, and finally on medication. I have to get used to this new person I have become...it’s amazing and terrifying...I have spent most of my life fighting and never feeling good enough...Becoming a workoholic to stay ahead of people without ADHD...I am so grateful. Welcome, and sending my best wishes!

[Hidden in reply to Elphaba-]

Elphaba- , this is how I felt, too... same with work as well, when I wasn't busy finding myself in trouble lol. I read stories like yours and the fear I have of medication greatly declines!! Thank you for sharing your good news!!!

[charlied1983 in reply to Elphaba-]

Hay ...it’s nice for someone to have the same story❤️.... I feel like I’ve kinda just blinked the last few years of my life . Shut myself away .. just having my beautiful girls to worry about .. they love me unconditionally I don’t have to work hard for them to love and accept me ... now I’ve got to work hard on getting back out there and showing the world it ain’t gonna win 💪🏻❤️💪🏻❤️

[Elphaba- in reply to charlied1983]

Yes!!! The world needs you!

[Faithfull]

Thank god u wrote that as I am in hell 53 cirrhosis can't drink me only friend as drugs was getting it speed freak then crack overdoses as I been treated like shit I ain't been out this house 2yrs I'm so I'll I am so lonely there is no help I'm sorry but u no how I feel you wrote my feelibgs thanks I'm sorry I'm no help but I'm here can't spell forget what I'm on about and just to make u smile I no my ADHD is worste as I'm getting bad aggression again I hate being mugged off again and again keep in touch

[charlied1983 in reply to Faithfull]

Hay do u no what uv got us .. we are here we’ve all had our lows and addictions and experiences ... ur not alone ... talk to us ... we can all support each other because together we are stronger 💪🏻❤️ we are not different or outcasts we are awesome humans with different wiring to other humans, we feel and see things differently .. we might not be normal and we defiantly are not boring .. we are unique and if people don’t understand us then it’s not our problem .. if people can’t take the time out to understand and appreciate us then they ain’t worth our time ... xx

[Hidden]

Hi Charlie! I can empathize 100%. I'm my late 30s and I've been having this mixed bag of emotions since being diagnosed a few days ago. There's relief like you said and then OMG how much time have I wasted just like you said. You're preaching to the choir, my friend! I'm happy you're getting treated and finding the clarity you deserve. Congrats!!!

[charlied1983 in reply to Hidden]

It’s so scary like the biggest change of your life but where normally U wouldn’t be able to cope with it u find actually ur coping just fine and it’s hard for the brain that’s trained in a certain way to deal with things.. normally my house is messy (not dirty) but I will literally leave it till 3pm and then rush around before everyone gets home from work or school .. however lately I’ve been doing stuff through the day and when 3pm comes I have nothing to do and it does feel strange to not be rushing around but my goodness it’s a relief when I think omg I’ve got my shit sorted today !! (How did that happen) lol .. it’s the little things that accumulate into big things that then cause the problem .. my biggest problem has always been when there to much to do and I get overwhelmed “I’ll do it tomorrow” but tomorrow never comes the reality of it is i was just putting stuff off which caused me to have more stuff to do which got more over whelming so I would then find myself asleep all day just to stop my brain and have some peace and not have to think about stuff ...

I always feel like I sound completely mental 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 xx

[Hidden]

This is in so many ways how I have felt. Thank you for your honesty

[charlied1983 in reply to Hidden]

I never felt like there was anyone who would feel how I did until now xx

[BusyMomTeacher]

I agree with all of you as well. ADHD in adults is a because most of us have little people we are raising. This, on top of trying to not scare people at work away with our inadequacies or shortcomings is challenging. Im a teacher, but I sub. In my state, you have to hold a Master's to sub, which I do (through MANY school struggles) Its stressful going from class to class, but the constant change doesnt bore me. Teachers have plans, which help. And I love seeing how others organize things. I accepted a long term sub position in special ed, which will be stressful, but the pay is good, and it's only 3 1/2 months. Thank goodness for my husband having a great job! We would be screwed if everyone were relying on me! I have relied on my parents my whole life, then went directly to relying on my husband. Im almost 40, and feel I have not held a solid stable career for any legth of time Im the one who always leaves though. I was a stay-at-home mom for years, but before that. I DID own a business for 7 years. I enjoyed not having a boss-ha! Good luck to you all

[charlied1983 in reply to BusyMomTeacher]

I’m a carer for the sick and elderly in their own homes it can be stressful and everyday is different however because I’m only with them for a short time like 30 mins it’s like I go into auto pilot I don’t think about anything else whilst I’m the call. Then I get in my car and have a break whilst driving to the next one, iv had many jobs I was a senior in a care home in the housekeeping department and then I was assistant manager in a bookies just to name a couple and the Bookies I loved but my brain could not process what I needed to learn and after a year I left ... I started my job 3 years ago after having 9 months of maternity and I love it I’m my own person and no one is looking over my shoulder all the time, it takes that stress off especially if I’m having a bad day, my clients know I can be late and a bit erratic they see it as bubbly hahaha if only they knew but the best thing is they don’t judge me the elderly are good for that.. and when I’m looking after the seriously sick people I find it so easy to shut my emotions off which means I can do my job properly it’s the dream job i never saw myself doing .... my partner and I pay half each on the bills always have however he didn’t work so hard we to would be screwed... I feel for my partner as it must be hard for him to live with me 😣.. I’m over in a little place called Norwich In England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 life is probably different over ur way to here xx Busymomteacher

[BusyMomTeacher in reply to charlied1983]

I love hearing your story. It's strange how our brains are wired. At least we know we are not alone! Hang in there. Try to get past the newness hump of work. It's hard being in it for the long haul, but it sounds stable, so that's good

[Ami00]

I'm 43 and still no official diagnosis. Take meds for Bipolar and Hyperactive thyroid. My lightning fast anger for nothing goes as quick as it comes. After forcing myself to stay in my last job due to mortgage payments, severe depression on and off since 9 years. Unable to work for longer than a few weeks before depression leaves me literally bedbound for weeks on end. Weed worked for most of my adult life until recently. Managed to ween myself off of every substance I could get my hands on. Can't stand alcohol.

My 2nd attempt at husband and father and I'm failing miserably. My temper is appalling. Frequent aggression from nowhere. Hurt those I love most. Major anxiety with depression. Only leave the house when there's really nothing left to eat or cigs. I#m damned sure its ADHD as it's the only thing that fits all of my symptoms. Worst part is that I didn't even think anything was wrong. Expert at methods of covering up my ever more frquent fuck ups. It took me a year to finally go to my mental health clinic. To be told that I'm wrong, by a psychiatrist and the head of the clinic in London after I refused the first diagnosis. This was 3 years ago. Gave up trying to work, just managing small jobs market selling as it allowed me to be off for weeks on end when the depression hit.

And I've been angry at the world, myself and whatever, since as far back as I can remember. Will make another attempt at diagnosis privately once I have the money to pay for it.

I feel totally useless.