Hello everyone so I am new here. I am 25 years old and my fiance is 25 as well with ADHD. All his life since he was 6 years old he was medicated, until he turned 18 years old. We've been together for 6 years this June 1st and have been talking about a having a family and a house. The issue I am having is, he doesn't seem to want to work at all, including simple house chores. I love him very much, but I am coming to a breaking point now in my life and now contemplating my relationship with my ADHD spouse. He doesn't want to work, which with COVID-19 it's gotten worse. If anyone can give me information or some insight on how to motivate him,it would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. Before anyone suggests him going back on medication I have begged, pleaed and cried for him to go back on Adderall, but he won't.
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HuskamuteMum2017
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This will be a real struggle presumably for the rest of your life. I have a soon to be 17 y/o son and his motivation to do anything responsible is non existing. / his executive functioning, is absolutely non existing, not wire that way and what do you do, take care of him for the rest of my life, put him out there and say you can do, differently but you can do. the biggest frustration, which I believe you are going through, is why am I 'm still doing all this,? you should be more independent, self efficient, just more! Lots of people refuse to take the medication for different reasons, what is his reason.? It is a commitment, knowing what you know now . My son was diagnosed at 6 and almost 11 yrs later, I can absolutely say I have no answer. Just about every day is a struggle and now that school is resuming, it's back to the school struggles😪 . Yes ,.he is medicated, but it can only do so much, helps him focus and reduces the impulseness. It cannot change his cognitive ability problem solving skills or reasoning skills which are all areas he struggles with . It sounds like you expressed your concerns with him and perhaps someone else can give a little insight but it basically how much are you willing to endure. If you are willing to be in it for the long haul then I suggest counseling or educating your self in an ADHD relationship. By the way my son also lacks emotional empathy /connections, things like please, thank you , boundaries, sorry ,are not words he can relate to or should I say express. Hope a happy medium will come about.
There is nothing you can do to motivate him. It is not your job and taking responsibility for that will just enable him not to. He is a grownup who should be finding his own motivation. If he is not taking responsibility for his ADHD and not taking his life responsibilities seriously, and he is willing to disregard your concern and not care if your needs are being met, your life with him will probably be very unhappy--and increasingly so as years go by. I am speaking from experience having been in your shoes and thinking I could fix or at least improve the situation. It is hard to realize someone is not healthy or whole enough to be what we need in a relationship and I don't know your total situation enough to project mine onto yours, but it sounds like there might be good reason for you to consider not marrying this person.
Lady....I feel your pain!! But wait, my hubby only works hard at work!!
Reading this, the first thing that I thought of was my own ADHD. Yes...me! So what I mean is that, I have inactive ADHD--breaking it down as I understand it. I can not prioritize, chores are super overwhelming, and exhausting just to think about! It is not an excuse or laziness.
Having said that, I am wondering if you clean with him? (listen, he is NOT A CHILD... for me , it is easier to clean with my hubby or kids, then alone) My hubby doesn't understand that my mind is a swirl of "Ta'Do list's" that are written and rewritten 20x's in my mind. I go to the store and come back with almost nothing but consonantly chicken broth and other stuff that WE ALREADY HAVE!! Uggg
I think of my brain like: a bunch of birds (chores, priorities, etc) that will not go into their cages that are lined up from most important to lease. They fly around and feathers are everywhere!! Get in the damn cage....still waiting...what a mess!!
I have done research and with help from my therapist: I can say, ADD/ADHD'rs are very loyal and hard workers. Crazy I know. There is good in him, you know that.
He is going to do some odd things, but in the end, he might need help with structure and getting started. Stick in there... you will have a fun and loving life.
Please keep posting questions/frustrations/ etc. I hope I have helped.
Welcome to the group! We are here to help you and maybe your boyfriend.
Wow! Super impressed with the suggestions already.
Were you also aware that ADHD is usually passed down by parents to their children. So most likely if you had a child with him they could have ADHD ( no judgement just knowledge).
I know for our son self - motivation is the best thing he now has. He will never have a clean organized house unless he has the drive to do it. Same with other aspects of his life. When he was younger ( he is 13 yrs old now) I though he would have to live at home and not work when he became an adult. I don't think that is the case now.
One thing that is also important is that we can not enabling our partners and creating a dependance, where you do everything for him, becuase then he is not successful for himself.
Last thing there are many new types of medications that could help him other than Adderall ( this is a stimulant) .
I agree counseling would be very helpful for you guys.
My husband has just recently, (as in the last two weeks) acknowledged that he has had a lifelong struggle with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD. We're both 40 and been married 18 years, and have an adopted son with diagnosed ADHD. As I learned about my son, the lightbulb went on for me about my husband. It has gotten especially worse the past couple years. Ups and downs with depression, no motivation, being oblivious to me and our family dynamics, and taking no initiative to help around the house. He's admitted several times when he's down that he just doesn't even care to try. It's taken a lot of nights up crying and talking, and marriage counseling. I've been stretched to my limits and breaking down for....who knows how long. His journey to recognizing he has ADHD and being open to addressing it started with an article I found about how ADHD affects relationships. For whatever reason, it was like a massive revelation to him of why we've struggled so much for the past 18 years, and why we both are the way we are with each other. This is a long way from previous years of denying that mental health conditions existed, even at first doubting that ADHD existed for our son, and he also just hates the idea of taking any kind of medication. I was literally at the point of having to decide whether or not to stay so that I could function as a person to take care of our son. I decided to follow the 3 month rule I made up. Don't make any decisions immediately. Be kind, and do what you can to encourage good things, and re-evaluate where things are then. It took a lot of research on my part to ease him into being open to all this. Your fiance may need your help finding other suitable resources to seek out and initiate. Ultimately, only he can decided to get himself help and recognize the effect that not seeking some form of treatment is having on your relationship. Good luck, I feel ya.
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