Spouse who does not parent consistently what to do??!!

[LisaAnn13]

So my spouse - who tends to be a helicopter parent - is also not consistent on anything! Not with teaching my SS who has ADHD (his father is deff undiagnosed) how to do things on his own, not with allowing his son to fail, not with making his son be accountable for anything, allowing him to learn to do things on his own. The list goes on. Clearly in the world of ADHD the learning and relearning of even the most basic things is an ongoing thing. Unfortunately my husband has zero patience and would rather do everything for his almost 10yr old who cant even do the most basic things on his own. Needs to be told to wash his hands, that showering needs to happen, to brush after eating etc. on a daily basis same instructions multiple times a day. Recently the primary doc suggested some things to help with things that have become a very big problem & unless I enforce them they don't get done. What do I do? His father my husband is lazy, not consistent & has the cant be bothered attitude mostly bc he diesnt want to have to deal with the ADHD irritability or feel like he is taking things away from his kid even when it would help him not hurt him & its beginning to really piss me off. Not to mention what it is teaching the child with ADHD that he does everythingfor him - including speaking for him & his communication skills are already lacking. Anyone else deal with this? One parent is disciplined and likes to keep things in line with what would help a child with ADHD & then there is another parent that is the opposite practically undoing all the work the other has done?

If so what have you done to fix this? How do you improve the situation & can you keep it from ruining your relationship?

[ADHD_DAD]

I have never met a couple where one is always right and has all the answers and the other is doing all the wrong things all the time, so I can't help you much there, I am afraid.

I have met many couples, though (and would include us in this group) where the parents sometimes disagree on what is best for a child. My feelings are that a child in such a situation like is quite lucky to have 2 parents who care for him and want to help him even if they do not agree with what's best. Most of us continue to learn and change and often regret choices or actions we have taken in the past ( like delaying the start of meds or the decision to make a change of schools) but even when we were wrong in retrospect, we have to try to find comfort in knowing that we thought we were doing the best we could and that all of our decisions, even the ones that were wrong in retrospect, were made out of love for our child. I also know that the management of ADHD is a long and often lonely journey. Having a spouse or partner to go through it with, although you do not always agree, is better than going through it alone. Good luck to you and your spouse.

[LisaAnn13 in reply to ADHD_DAD]

Not sure why you would reply saying something like 'I have never met a couple where one is always right and has all the answers and the other is doing all the wrong things all the time, so I can't help you much there, I am afraid.'

Not once in my post did I say one was always right the other has no clue. What I said was that the parenting style of doing EVERYTHING for the child - even if the child were neurotypical - is not helpful to development or growth. And at times it has made the ADHD symptoms of the child worse.

No parent wants to be dealing with this but my concern was how to get both parents on the same page. From your reply you do not have exp with this situation but thanks for your response.

[ADHD_DAD in reply to LisaAnn13]

I gave insufficient thought to whether my words would be perceived as a negative comment. There is no room for negative comments in this group. I appreciate your feedback and I assure you that I will consider it in the future before clicking "reply." I hope that you find the answers that you seek and that the comments of other posters will be helpful to you. Be well.

[LisaAnn13 in reply to ADHD_DAD]

Thank you!

[Onthemove1971]

What you considered counseling? This is a long journey and you have some strong feelings that should be heard. Having a counselor can help the two of you become a better team.

Best of luck.

[LisaAnn13 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I have asked plenty but the other person does not respond positively or like they are interested in that. I will keep trying

Thank you

[Onthemove1971 in reply to LisaAnn13]

I would not wait.. maybe you can learn great strategies that you can bring to the family.

Everyone is at a different place in the "journey" and not everyone is open to thearpy. So you could start and help yourself. Learning tools to help the family could benefit everyone. Your child is young and life ahead will be a challange. This could reduce the issues before they come up.

I just want you to know we are here to support you in your journey.

Big hugs for your struggles! Many of us have been there.

Take care,

[LisaAnn13 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you so much! I have I am on a lot of groups online / free therapy sites not just here. Trying to better myself and I bring what I learn into the relationship and the family dynamic.

I try every day to learn and grow! Hopefully one day I can get my partner to see the benefits. Thank you again <3