hi parents,
My son with adhd was just uninvited to a birthday party because the other kid’s parents said they’re not getting along. To make it worse is the other kid also has adhd and I’m just disappointed his parents would blame my son for their kids behavior. For some reason anytime the two of them are together they get in trouble because they egg each other on/ dare each other to do things. I just feel bad for my son. He has trouble making friends
Hi MomUr 6yr old is supposed to be mischievous & what fun to hv a friend who is the same as he is.
Just incase u think my reply is not serious , I will let u know that due to genetics being rather strong I hv 5generations of ADHD from which to gain experience. Late diagnosed & thanks to an understanding partner I can help you with mountains of advice but definitely do not hv all the answers.
Unfortunately I am not the best at following up but will try to remember to return to answer any questions you hv left.
Penny
this is so hard! My 6yo has had two friends in the past couple of years that get into really crazy situations because they escalate each other. Imagine two 4yos screaming running wild through random peoples backyards to “trick the grown ups” lol.
This is hard and sad but you can also reframe it to realize that if they are uninviting you it isn’t a good fit. We pray for the day our kid finds a best friend who brings him down instead of amping him up. This gives you some space to look for that.
I would pay attention to how your kid is reacting to it. If this were me I would explain that different people make different choices about friends and parties and this was their choice, and it might hurt and is disappointing but we need to respect it. Then I would do something on that day 1:1 that feels special and fun.
It might be about your kid. Or it might be about their kid. Or something else! All you can do is love on your kid and find a way to move forward. I’m still really sorry this happened, though.
Wow, that is all kinds of messed up. Uninviting a kid is mean.
I hope your kid is not too sad about this. Maybe you can take your kid out to do something fun that day.
You would hope that other parents of children with ADHD would be allies, but it seems that the other parents would rather blame your kid instead of trying to structure opportunities for the kids to play safely together. For example, I recognized early on that my kid was an "outdoor breed", so we did not do indoor playdates. The exception was lego, or train dates, because he could focus on those for hours. Otherwise, he met friends outside, in all kinds of weather. He needed to be where he could be loud, run and touch stuff, without getting into trouble.
Making friends is hard for him, so I encourage him to join activities such as robotics, math classes, LARPing, that he enjoys, so that he can make friends based on shared interests.
Good luck to you and your son. I hope he is able to make some good friends, and that you are able to connect to sympathetic parents.
so sorry this happened. My son also has a hard time making/keeping friends. The one he has now seems similar to your son’s friend but so far I’ve been lucky that it seems like the friends parents are understanding. It’s crazy for me to think how you couldn’t be understanding when you are in the same position. I am so much more understanding of everyone now that I have an adhd son that struggles with the skills it takes to have friends. I’ve had another situation where my son’s former friend who is neurotypical and I was friends with the mom will hardly acknowledge me because my son hit her kid at recess. Totally don’t think it’s ok for him to hit kids but also wish there was a bit more understanding that their children’s words matter and not to just shut us out. Oh well. On to the next.
Yes. It’s amazing how many people think ADHD just involves hyperactive behavior. They don’t understand that impulsiveness and emotional outbursts come with it. I wish people were more understanding
My daughter had a kid in her class in K who she was always goofing off with and the mom confronted me at a tball event and told me my daughter is always getting her son in trouble. I reached out to the teacher to get her perspective and she said that the other student had been moved several times due to issues so he was getting into plenty of trouble on his own. She even tried to talk about my daughter at a class trip and several parents shut her down. Some people need someone to blame and do not do well with taking any responsibility. Since then my daughter has had many friends who are similar to her and we have had no issues. Your son will find his tribe and when he does it will be a distant memory
This is exactly what’s happening with my son. I’ve found out from other parents this kid he’s not getting along with has also been kicked out of preschools before
My heart is broken for both your son and you. I totally understand this and wish the other child’s mom was better in her approach. It definitely sounds like she doesn’t want to worry about how her son will behave at his party and is making a rash decision for her own peace of mind at your son’s expense. My son was the one who everyone complained about in his preschool class. He was misunderstood because he was not even diagnosed yet and exhibiting behaviors that weren’t hurting anyone, but annoying some other kids and I’d get 7pm emails from the teacher almost every night that gave me anxiety all while taking care of a newborn. Luckily there was a mom who decided to start having out of school play dates for us all to meet each other and really see what was going on with all the kids and everyone saw that my son was good-natured and just hyper and emotional. All this to say, that I’d try communicating with the other mom if you feel that your son’s feelings will be hurt by not being able to go. Maybe speak to her and try to set up a play date at a park with just the 2 of them before the party for her to see that they’re just being children and then you can speak to her in person and hopefully bond over the challenges we face as parents of kids with ADHD and to let her know how you feel about him being uninvited. It’s important for them to have these experiences and not be shunned.
My ADHD kiddo is in middle school by now. While I'm sorry this hapenned and it hurts, it's honestly for the best. When you get two ADHD boys together under age 8 it's always chaos. When things calm down around 9/10 that's when the we both have ADHD friendships begin to form HEALTHILY.
Just put yourself in their shoes, it's a lot to deal with the two of them in the same place and it's their kids birthday. We had a similar situation when my son was 5. He was best friends with a close friend of mines son. We had to keep then apart eventually bc it was just so chaotic and not a healthy relationship for either of them. We're still close 6 years later and the boys are now as well. It was a total dysregulated disaster and so stressful at age 5. We even has them separated at school.
Is your son on meds? In therapy? If not. Get him properly medicated by a psychiatrist and into therapy and these problems will go away by 85%
Yes he’s on meds and on therapy every week. The kid he’s not getting along with is moving by June to another state so hopefully my son can make other friends in the future
I’m sure this will seem simplistic, and even naïve, but from the limited information you provided, it could be that she isn’t “blaming” your son, just realizing that together they act a certain way and she is going for the simple, if hurtful, solution.
It isn’t like she could decide the other way - to invite your son and exclude her own son from his own birthday party. I’m sure this isn’t the only instance of friction, and you wouldn’t be so upset if this were an isolated case and there weren’t contributing context and baggage, but at least there is one objective line of reasoning for her choice.
Hi Mommywarrior,
Another way to look at this situation is that the parents may be abiding by their son‘s wishes to not have his friend that excites him at his party, because he doesn’t want to get in trouble.
Or maybe even the parents themselves were not wanting to have so much work supervising the boys. Knowing from experience, that when they do get together it often results in disruptions.
Also, this could be a teaching lesson for your son, by making him aware of how his actions with his friend results in turmoil sometimes. Not everyone is always ready or able to deal with that situation. There are going to other times I’m sure when both of them may not be invited to the same event because of their energy level. But maybe being made aware of it can help him be more aware of his actions. So going forward he can have a chance to make adjustments.
It’s no different for us adults when we arrange a gathering. We pick and choose who we invite and don’t invite accordingly. Not everyone gets along or plays nice with each other and that’s life
Do try to do something fun with your son on that day if you can. There’s more things happening on that day than just that one party. 🏃🏽♂️
BEST! 😍
we’ve had issues as well. I teach my son that friends come and go and sometimes come back again and sometimes not. People change. This is the same in the adult world. Do something fun that day to take his mind off of missing out on the party. Teach resilience to mean people. It hurts and that’s ok but you keep your head up and keep going. He doesn’t need that kid to be his friend right now.
in agreement of all the above.
Our guy is in 1st grade parochial school. The policy they support is the entire class gets invited or just all the same sex as birthday child. I personally am not even thinking of having birthday parties yet. We are Kinshipcare grandparents with legal guardianship since birth. Been there done that birthday stuff. It’s chaotic at best. Best to go to bowling alley for party. Or indoor roller rink imo.
Ours is thriving in first year of wrestling as well. Wrestling is a sport suggested for ADHD due to its 1:1. I’ve noticed he does have trouble with flag football last fall. However some kids had 1-2 years experience already age 6! Same for wrestling. We got some 4k wrestlers as well. Girls too!
IDK I don’t think I would explain anything to that lady. He choice says a lot about and leave it at that. Don’t speak bad about her or the situation in front of your child (which I wouldn’t be surprised she does) it’s all just very disheartening. I mean the kids are in school together for Pete’s sake! I too have someone that stays away from me lol. This student will never be in the same class. The child in me wants to come out and tell her off believe me. Ha ha won’t happen though. Too old for that petty crap. There are 3 classes for that class and I think they will always be around together lol senior year is quit bit away.
Let the kids play at school and maybe bring it up in counseling session on how to talk about to your child. I love the counseling for our grandson.
Be the better person and kill her with kindness around people. Smile and say Good Morning etc. and no I’m not being sarcastic.
Blessings and hugs…
It P*sses me off when people do this. Yes, they are not in the best of moods in the moment, but kids remember these situations for the rest of their lives if they have RSD. I hope you take him to an awesome place at the time of the party, and get him a special day to try and offset this disappointment the best you can.
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