How to deal with negative comments

[redmama2]

My 5-year-old has severe ADHD. People make comments about his bad behavior when in public, which isn't really him being "bad", just him struggling with hyperactivity and impulse control. Last night for example I went out to dinner with my friend and brought my son. He was pretty well-behaved most of the night (actually sat in his seat before and during the meal, didn't interrupt, ate his food, etc.). We had talked beforehand about being on his best behavior and I could tell he was really trying. After he got done eating though, he reached his limit and was standing up in the booth, crawling under the table, etc. My friend who works with young kids tried to get him to calm down by saying things like, "My one year olds can stay in their seats for a whole meal, why can't you?" and "This isn't best behavior, you can act better than this." She meant well when she said these things but it was frustrating because I knew he WAS trying his best and he had actually been doing really well.

Similarly, when he gets frustrated or angry he'll often get violent and hit, kick, scratch, etc. We're working on handling it but grandma (who lives with us) will say things like, "I guess you just like being mean." "You're a mean person." etc. and will go on about it and compare him to his cousins, "so-and-so doesn't act like this." Again, in a well-meaning way, but ultimately all that does is make him think he's a mean person which makes it worse.

He's even gotten comments from other kids his age on the playground when he'll have tantrums, making fun of him. "Oh wow, how old are you?" and laughing at him. Moms staring, talking, whispering, judging, when he has meltdowns over me saying "no" or is running around in the grocery store not listening. "He needs a good spanking" is one I get a lot from strangers. His teachers and coaches threating him with punishments or taking away things he's earned because he can't focus and stand still like they want all of the time.

How do you deal with these comments as a parent and how do you interpret them for your child? My son has decided he is a bad person sometimes because of things like this and cries sometimes asking me to take out his "bones" so he can be good (he linked his impulsivity to his bones and insists that they make him not able to control his actions because that's how he's able to make sense of it in his mind).

The stigma around ADHD doesn't help, most people think it's not a real disorder and is just an excuse for lazy/bad parenting and bad behavior so even if I try to explain it, they don't try to listen. He really is a sweet, sensitive little boy, he just can't control himself all of the time. How do you deal with other people not understanding? How do you protect them from other people's judgement?

[Hidden]

So sorry you have to have this unkindness from others, as if having a child with ADHD is not enough! For restaurants and shops etc you need to remember that people with ADHD have poor or no connections in the brain where it’s ‘executive function’, ‘impulse control’ and ‘motivation’. It basically works like that- kids with ADHD will be motivated and able to focus sooo well on their interests (let’s say gaming or eating their favourite food, but won’t have motivation for something you care about if they don’t care about it). So basically once he’s eaten his food- that’s it, he won’t be able to sit still because his brain is differently wired. You can try stuff like giving him a tablet with his favourite game or if he loves colouring or sticker books or a book about his particular interests. I always do it on flights etc. So he is occupied whilst you chat with a friend. Also restaurants with a kids corner are useful (so he doesn’t t have to sit, but can walk over to the kids corner with the toys - that’s how it’s often done in the kids friendly restaurants back in my country, saying this, haven’t seen much of this in the UK, maybe except pubs where sometimes there is a bouncy castle in the beer garden or a sort of mini playground so kids can play whilst adults have food and a chat).

At home it can be tricky, maybe grandma could do ADHD training for parents/carers? There are Zoom trainings around and she doesn’t even have to go anywhere to attend. I mean, my husband and I even though we did the training and we read about it and have knowledge about ADHD - we still say these harmful things in anger. It’s just we are only humans, and we are not on any medication ourselves 😄(at times I think Valium or some antidepressants for me would help…).

Also if you haven’t considered medication for your son, I would really consider if I were you. I regret I haven’t had a diagnosis for my son when he was 5, that I haven’t had him medicated years ago. He’s only been on meds since he was 8 years old and all Covid lockdowns we had to cope with him at home without any help, a lot of damage was done to our relationship with him… That’s my regrets. I mean, meds don’t work wonders (and for my son stimulants did more harm than good as he had a sort of psychotic episode on Methylpenidate, he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, had a rebound and loads of other side effects) but especially the non stimulants - these works on neurotransmitters in the brain round the clock so they do help to regulate, make a person more emotionally stable, able to take in more rather than react on their impulse. It’s a hard journey adjusting meds that would work for your child but once you get it right it’s a great help.

[redmama2 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I know he's wired differently and can't help it, I try to bring games for him (or in particularly stressful times resort to videos/games on my phone) to help. It doesn't bother me as I know he's doing his best and not being "bad". But I wish others understood. I've tried to get my mom to read books about ADHD to educate her, maybe a zoom meeting would be more engaging. Do you have any in particular you recommend?

Lol I definitely think a valium would help me at times.

And yes, we have been talking about medicine but his doctor to wait until he starts kindergarten next year.

[Hidden in reply to redmama2]

I am sorry, we are in the UK and it was a free Zoom course organised by the local national health system (so basically for people who live within the boundary of our county). I can’t say that it was a very good training, it didn’t give me any practical advice but there was a lot of theory and also loads of recommendations for good books to read for parents (I must say I haven’t read any of these books and haven’t bought any). The person delivering the training was jumping all over with the personal examples from her work career (as she worked with children I think as a therapist) of children who have 2 diagnoses - let’s say being both on a spectrum and having ADHD. And there was loads about school refusal when actually my son loves school (I think he loves it because the school just allows him to sit there and draw doodles rather than do his school work😄). So it’s kind of hard to know what you get during these trainings. I wish there was more in person stuff- I find in person training where I can see and interact with other parents and maybe where we’d have a few practical exercises much better. But since Covid everyone is Zoom -so much more convenient for the person who runs the course!

You might be lucky and maybe your child only has primarily ‘hyperactive/ impulsive ‘ type ADHD and then meds can really help with this so much easier- just to make his body able to sit still. My son is combined - both hyperactive/impulsive and inattentive…

[Hidden in reply to redmama2]

Also just a thought - some medication takes time to work properly, titrating, side effects etc, then trial and error and trying a different medication…so just depending how you feel he will cope in kindergarten where he has to follow instructions and interact with the kids all day. I found a year of school, when my son was on a medication that was wrong for him, very damaging. My son had a rare side effect - urinary frequency (urgency) on Methylphenidate and he started wetting himself at school (something that has never happened to him before since he was toilet trained) but consultant psychiatrist was refusing to accept it as a side effect of medication and kept telling me that it must be some stress related to school or maybe some changes in my son’s life. Luckily doc eventually agreed to change meds and wetting stopped immediately but the stigma at school, how now kids perceive my son- the label stays... So I do believe that it is best to introduce medication when your child is in a stable situation where you can observe your child well and there are no other variables (such as starting kindergarten and then psychiatrist telling you that something is not a side effect of meds but just stress of new environment etc), basically the medication is the only new thing and everything else is as it was, no new things in your child’s life so you can really see the impact of the medication and side effects. Sorry this is very long and muddled message, but I hope you get what I mean.

[Shamasamdrew]

You can’t really control what people say unfortunately with the exception of maybe your mom because she is a relative and lives with you. I would let her know that her words have impact and be specific. Tell her about all of the negative comments he gets so she can maybe get an idea of the combined effect. Her words are not constructive and if she wants the behaviors to end, she might need some techniques explained to her on how to do that. Shaming him because he is demonstrating symptoms of his disorder, which is what they are all doing, will not end the behavior.

As far as in public goes, if he’s out and behaviors are erupting then the outing is finished whether it be the playground or the dinner with your friend. I know it might be a hardship and it might have been nicer to have more time, but there is no point to continuing if it devolves to that and you are exposing him to criticism from others. They say kids with ADHD get 20,000 more negative and corrective measures before the age of 12. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, it just is. The best you can do in the moment is limit the exposure.

Also, counter with positive reinforcement and comment positively wherever you can! I don’t care if it is the smallest thing, be positive about it. It means so much. Catch him doing good so he knows he is just as capable of that as anyone else.

[redmama2 in reply to Shamasamdrew]

That's a good suggestion to end the outing at that time. I hate for him to miss out on experiences because of behavior he can't help, but you're right it would limit the exposure to negative comments from others. I try to take him out of the situation (to the bathroom, away from the playground, etc.) to calm down first, but we have had to end many outings prematurely because of it 😔.

I've been trying to educate my mom on ADHD to help her reactions but she hasn't really gotten it yet, hopefully it'll get better with time and more education.

Positive reinforcement can be so helpful! I've been doing research on different methods of dealing with ADHD behavior since his diagnosis and that was one almost everybody recommends. I've been trying to use it more often and it has been so helpful! It also has helped reaffirm in him that he isn't a "bad" child.

[MNmom99]

OMG!!! I can NOT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THOSE COMMENTS!! That all just shows really how much people do not know about ADHD! People really have no clue I wish I had a bit of advice for you but I hear the same type of rude comments from some of my family and others that are close, that are just trying to be “helpful” all that does for the kids with adhd is make them feel worse I wish the people saying that would just zip it I’m sorry you have to deal with these comments! People just have no clue really. It’s HARD, Hang in there you are doing your best just like the rest of us. ☺️

[redmama2 in reply to MNmom99]

Me either!! It makes you feel like a failure as a parent while also blaming your child for behaviors they legitimately can't help. It seems like it's only acceptable to make those comments with ADHD too, not other developmental disorders as ADHD is often seen as a lack of willpower/discipline 🙄. Thank you

[Momtrying]

I’ve been there, many times! I lived with my mom for a couple years and heard all the time that my son must not like her. It’s very hard with strangers in the store, but when teachers or people we go to church with start to say anything I just started commenting back with “yeah, we’ve been working really hard and his behavior that comes from having ADHD.” And then I’ll say a few things about how much harder life is for kids that have ADHD. I feel that when I became really open about it with people, they tend to try and see the good things about my son. I feel like this has been especially helpful with my family-mom and sisters that live near us.

sometimes It can be uncomfortable, but I think it’s helpful if we are honest with people about how it makes us feel when they comment. But I do feel like starting out any new relationship my son has with an adult with letting them know what he struggles with has been the most helpful. Good luck!!

[SurvivorFan in reply to Momtrying]

I agree with you. I think talking about it as openly as possible with anyone close to our kids is important. It wont all sink in but if even some of it does they can learn to have empathy in the hard moments.

Before school started this year I sent an email off to his teacher just explaining a little bit about what adhd is and all the things she could see from my son. I also wrote about all of the wonderful things about him and how we work on challenges at home so he can be more successful at school. My hope again was that she would gain some knowledge she may not have as well as be empathetic on the hard days because she knew how much he and we were trying and how sweet he is when he IS regulated. She was very appreciative of the email and has kept in good contact with me so far this year as there has of course....been some hard days.

[anirush]

My grandson got in so much trouble at the beginning of kindergarten I wish he had been on it before he ever started school. Once on medication he could focus and learn. He also stopped harassing kids on the playground.

[redmama2 in reply to anirush]

I'm hoping medication will help too. His doctor won't prescribe it for him until he's in kindergarten, but I also think it would be beneficial for him to get used to it and figure out the dosage and everything beforehand. He can be very annoying to other kids on the playground and at preschool sometimes, he doesn't mean to be but I can tell they get annoyed with him and it makes it hard for him to make friends 😔

[Danseuse]

I’m so, so sorry you have to go through this - that we all have to go through this. Only people who’ve had experience with ADHD have a clue how hard it can be to deal with. ADHD is just really coming out of the shadows and being more broadly recognized. But it’s a very complex neurological disorder so even I’m still learning more about it 10 years after my son was diagnosed. There’s so much research being done now. So much cause for hope. We’re so lucky it’s being recognized. When my poor brothers were in school there was no treatment and they’ve suffered the consequences their whole lives. Mine and my kids family life has definitely been negatively affected. We just need to do the best we can. It’s even very, very difficult to find a therapist who has a deep knowledge of it. Because ADHD is neurological it requires medication. Feel good that you’ve received a possible diagnosis so early.

I always recommend this video, by world renowned Dr. Russell Barkley. Sadly, he just retired. He has a number of videos that you can look up and have your mother watch. I think maybe your mom would find watching a video easier than reading a book. Dr. Edward Hallowell who wrote the seminal book “Driven to Distraction” hasn’t retired yet and is starting to make some videos. As a book, Driven may be a more compelling read for your mom because he uses case histories of families who came to his practice. Also, please join CHADD - an American organization that provides support and resources including numerous webinars that you could watch at your leisure. Their monthly magazine provides indispensable info. All the best

youtu.be/SCAGc-rkIfo(Not working as expected?)

[Danseuse]

Also, interesting that ADHD has largely been marked as a deficiency in focus and now they’re starting to say maybe the largest effect is a lack of motivation.

[Danseuse]

oh sorry I forgot to add that you’ll be greatly benefited if you find a pediatrician who is a neurodevelopmental pediatrician. We have one just for medication. They will be must more knowledgeable and up to date with all things medication.

[Boo0102]

oooh - negative comments are the bane of our adhd existence. So much so that the external comments are soon internalized and lead to a life long struggle with self esteem and self worth.

Wanted to direct you to a video that your mom may watch as well. It talks about how kids just don’t have the toolset sometimes to act the way that people expect.

Rethinking Challenging Kids-Where There’s a Skill There’s a Way

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wgNpG...(Not working as expected?)

It’s just a glimpse into the thought that challenging kids aren’t challenging because they’re “bad” or that they desire to make life difficult for every else. They are struggling.

It also sounds from your other posts like there’s a lot of sensory stuff going on. Have you had an occupational therapy assessment for him? And this may sound like I’m making too many assumptions, but could he also be on the autism spectrum?

Our youngest (now just turned 18) was always challenging. First came sensory processing disorder, expressive speech disorder, anxiety, adhd (when he was 2nd grade), but never an autism dx until he was 14 because no one really thought he was and never did the ASD assessment. I think things would have been a lot different for him if that autism dx had come years earlier.

So not trying to paint your life with the same brush, but keep it in mind. There’s a whole heck of a lot of overlap with ADHD, Sensory, and autism.

Another book that I’ve just started reading a putting into practice is called Parent Effectiveness Training by Gordon. Our sons therapy providers required it for parents as the kids were learning the same things as the parents. It is eye opening. Very practical and useful.

Be a champion for your child even when it’s so very hard. They need a safe haven from a harsh world. And if that includes family, that includes family. Just because they’re family or close friends does not give anyone the right to dish out what some consider to be mental abuse.

Hang in there mama. You’re amongst friends.

[kdali]

Child and family psychology may be helpful. I'm sorry for all the shaming your son has been subjected to.