My son is about to be 12 in a couple of weeks. He was diagnosed with moderate ASD and ADHD at age 9. He also has issues with anger, aggression, and self harm. He was on medication for these issues but one day he decided that he didn't want to take his meds anymore. So now his emotions are all over the place. His anger is explosive and to make matters worse he is constantly hurting his brothers. Grounding him is pointless because he just accepts it but doesn't change. I tried to reason with him and explain that getting upset isn't the problem it's the way he handles it. And throwing things and hurting his brothers is not the way to handle the situation. Then he says that he doesn't care and that he is a bad kid and that I should get rid of him. Other times he bangs his head against the wall. I don't know what to do anymore. On his meds he is the sweetest most loving little boy but without it he's a monster.
I don't know what time do with my son... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
I don't know what time do with my son anymore.
Hello Emochick,
What have you tried to get him back on meds? It sounds like that is the best thing to do (I know duh right?) The sweet kid is still there he is just hidden under the chemistry that creates the outbursts. The meds help balance his chemistry.
Does he understand he is wired differently than most kids? If not that is something to talk about and to point out what is good about it. How creative he is, or how well he knows a topic, anything that is a positive. The anger is just one aspect and can be curbed with medication.
Maybe once he understands that his anger is not him, it is a by product of the chemistry in his brain being out of balance, he would be open to getting back on the meds. Everyone's chemistry is different his just happens to be lower in dopamine, among other things. That's ok, that is why the meds were invented. Just like wearing glasses to see better some kids take meds to help balance their moods better. It is not a flaw, it is like having blue eyes - some people do some people don't.
An article in ADDitudemag.com called their ADHD Kevin and that is how they talk about it. When there is an incident like throwing things at brothers - "Whoa, looks like Kevin took control for a moment." Or if he is getting angry "Your Kevin is showing" type of thing. It creates separation between them and their emotions. They are not angry, they are feeling angry that's a big difference.
I am not sure how much of this you can discuss with him, but being direct, objective (no blaming) and compassionate (I know you don't like feeling angry, let's work to make that better for you) have been a good combination in our house.
I am so sorry you ar going through this. Hang in there,
BLC89
full disclosure I am an ADHD Parent Coach and have raised two kids with ADHD and been married to ADHD or nearly 30 years.
Hi BLC89
When he was diagnosed and prescribed the medication I explained Autism and ADHD and how the medication worked to help him, which is why he agreed to take them. And trying to get him into ABA therapy is a joke. It's so frustrating that he refuses to do the one thing that could help him. I also have ADHD and every day I show him that I take my meds to turn down the noise in my head. Still nothing.
What does he say is his reason for not wanting the medication? Have you met with him and the prescribing doctor again to talk about it?
He says he just doesn't want to take them. He struggles with articulating his feelings which only adds to his frustration and him spiraling. It's this horrible cycle that I wish I could fix. We spoke with the doctor to figure out different ways to administer the meds to see if that would help, but still no. He's set to go for his well check next week. I plan to address it again with the doctor.
Does he do sports? Maybe using exercise as his medication can get him a bit more balanced. You could offer a choice - run, and I mean really get that heart rate up, for 30 to 40 min, every day or take your meds, but one of them every day.Another technique to try is when he does something like hurt a brother, ask him to sit down or go to his room, while you tend to the little one with lots of love and attention. Once the little one is calm turn to the other and give him a big hug and say "that is so unlike you, I'm sorry you're upset, tell me all about it" if he gets frustrated trying to express himself "that's OK, take your time, you can do this" or find some pictures he can point to to show you the emotion - maybe not faces but things like volcanoes erupting, big fires, charging bulls, car crashes, stuff like that. Then you give it words and he can use those words until he finds his own, he can borrow them, for now.
I realize all of that means you are calm as Buddha which can be a challenge in the heat of the moment, but maybe send him to his room, comfort the little one, take a break & breathe then go talk to your other son. It's OK that this is frustrating for you too. This is not easy.
We worked a lot on "use your words" when our kids were young. Help him find the words or images so he can get the emotions out. Tell him it's OK that this is hard, that he can do hard things, you have great faith in him.
Kudos to you for keeping on, this is tough.
We are here to help or just listen and offer verbal hugs along the way. Let us know when you find what works, we'll do a happy dance for you.
BLC89
He hates sports. His coordination is a little off. He dies like to run and I was looking into him doing track or soccer, but he wasn't having it. Also, money is so tight right now and there's not a lot of free activities. I do send him to his room when he hurts his brothers. That's where he's allowed to explode. Lots of holes in the walls. Then when I try to talk to him about it he says that it's because he's a stupid horrible boy and that I should get rid of him. We keep going round and round. My adhd, anxiety, and depression don't help the situation either.
I'm so sorry, that is really rough. If you can, I would give him lots of hugs and correct him when he says things like I'm horrible - No you are not horrible. Your actions are less than ideal but I love you all the same. It must be really tough to have that much yuck inside.
Tell him that running gets the yuck out and have him run around the block, down the street, whatever is safe, and when he comes back have him open his mouth and look to see if all the yuck is out. "Nope I still see a bit of yuck in there, run a bit more, you almost have it all out" something like that. If he will engage like that you have a starting point. If running does't work, beat up a pillow (try to save the walls) and sit with him while he rages agains the pillow then check inside to see if all the yuck is out. You being with him while he rages, safely not throwing things, also tells him you accept that part of him.
It sounds like you could all be feeding off each other too, which is hard to pause. If he is sensitive to what is going on around him, what others are feeling, then he could be quite overwhelmed most of the time and the slightest thing sets him off. He is full and any amount more spills out. It looks like something small to us but to him it is the last straw.
Keep talking to him and telling him that you won't put up with him bad mouthing himself. He isn't broken he just needs to learn some tools and that's ok, he is just a kid, it takes a lot of learning to do this thing called life. Keep him talking and always correct him when he puts himself down.
Mom "You are not stupid or horrible, I love you."
Son "Only stupid people do stupid things"
Mom "Not true. It means that the action was not well thought out, that's it. It doesn't mean you are dumb. Everybody makes mistakes."
Son "You should get rid of me"
Mom "I could never get rid of you, you are my son, I love you. Why do you think that is a good solution?"
Let him explain what he thinks, do your best to keep him talking. He will express things that may give you a clue as to what is underlying his frustrations. If he keeps getting frustrated because he can't find the words find some pictures. He needs some way to express himself so he can process it. If he can't find the words it makes it difficult for him to make sense of it and if it doesn't makes sense it add to his frustration, and round and round you go.
I know money is tight, if you have the bandwidth see if there are any sliding scale therapist for you. You need support then you are better equipped to handle everything at home. I know that can be a lot to take on but the pay off is huge. Betterhelp.com is all online and I think they have sliding scale options. It would be worth a look. You need support as much as you kid does.
BLC89
I thought about having him run or do push ups or something like that, but I didn't want to be punishment. I tell him all the time that there is no way in the world I would ever get rid of him and that the problem isn't his anger, it's the way he handles it. I have my own therapist but I agree I need more support in this if for no other reason than to off set my mom.
The exercise can be presented as a tool not a punishment. It's something he can use, he has control over it, and it helps him process emotions. Sometimes giving the anger a name like Angry Arthur so that he can talk about as something separate from himself can make it easier for him to find the words.
I'm so glad you have some support, that's great. Kudos to you for all the hard work you are putting in.
BLC89
That sounds great I will try that. I also need to keep reminding his brothers that meddling with Jaxon is like poking a hungry bear. They all need to learn when to stop. Thank you for your advice. It's nice to talk to people that actually understand that our lives are different from theirs.
I don't have any helpful advice, but wanted to say your kid isn't the only one who just accepts being grounded. My kid does that too. He will even do more naughty things in the moment because as he says, "I'm already grounded anyway!" It is so frustrating, because as a parent what other tools do we have? (I won't even get started on advice from other parents whose children respond to grounding!) This sounds counterintuitive, but something that has helped a little in my family is giving my son more privileges. He got an iPhone last year for his birthday and a used XBOX (shared w/ siblings) for Christmas. As much as I hated giving him these things due to all the online dangers, he really enjoys them and he will pause if I threaten to take them away. It is not a magic pill, but it is an improvement over the "I don't care if you ground me" attitude. As a bonus, both things have helped him develop friendships that extend past the 3PM school bell. This typically helps with his overall happiness--assuming they aren't arguing. 
My son is similar in age to yours...he turns 12 in June and was diagnosed/medicated for ADHD at age 9.
I used to do that with his nintendo switch. Then he lost it. That's the problem with buying things for him and his brothers. They are all incredibly hard on toys and electronics. They also have a tendency to take a toy apart and use the parts for other things. My mom is old school, so I was spanked when I was bad. So of course that's her suggestion. She knows that he has ASD but I don't think she fully comprehends what that means.
Yes, my kids are extremely hard on all their toys. Their Nintendo Switch stopped working last fall which is why they got a Xbox for Christmas. Luckily their uncle upgraded to the new Xbox which left his old Xbox One to my kids. Within a month we had to buy a new power supply which was not cheap. His 12 year old brother lost his iPhone yesterday. I don't replace these things just because they break or lose them. It is even more frustrating as parents when it is the one thing we have to take away! My mom is always telling me I should use a hickory switch on him....just one time will do it. That is what she did to me, but that is just not how things work now. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be to add ASD to the mix. I hope you find a way to get him back on his meds. It sounds like they work well for him.
If it wasn't a completely traumatizing violation of him I would totally force feed him the meds. Or use a blow gun. Thanks, it was just nice to get it off my chest with people that actually get it.
I have 5 children ages 21 to 5-three with diagnosed ADHD, one with ASD and most with anxiety and depression. Two of my children have had severe depressive episodes. We also deal with emotional regulation and sensory issues. Needless to say we have struggled in our home and have had lots of ups and downs.
Our kids live in their head a lot. Low dopamine. Executive function challenges. Social difficulties….the list goes on. And they internalize it all. My 8yo recently said she always has negative thoughts about herself. It is how she feels inside that is bringing out anger directed at others.
Medication has been paramount in bringing us all to a safe place. Outside of that, I have learned to lower expectations, and work on my empathy. When the children don’t feel so much pressure to conform and perform, and when they feel seen and heard, we have less outbursts. They also want/need to have fun more than I feel that I need. So, it is definitely a huge challenge.
Raising these kids is a long process. They are typically years behind in social and emotional skills. That thought helps me to give them space and time to work things out. Schools are not very supportive in relieving pressure. We have done various schooling options for different kids at different times because of this.
Just know you are not alone. We all feel it. And you are the best person to parent your child. Your sweet boy is putting up defenses to protect himself and he does not have the capacity to express what he needs with words. Dig in and find the love you share for one another.
Hugs and warm thoughts to you and your family!
Exactly! Minus two kids. And what's worse is that we spent so much time trying to get my oldest diagnosed that we totally overlooked the middle one who has severe depression. These two are the only example that the youngest has to live by. They really know how to press each other's buttons, Jaxon's blow up is understandable. Which I explain to him that he has every right to be upset, but getting physical is not the way to handle it. I have sat all three of them down to talk to them about how they treat each other, but it's like talking to a wall. And to make matters worse, my mom who lives with us, will be in the background yelling at Jaxon and yelling at me to spank him and saying that if she saw him do it she would've spanked him. She is not understanding the difference between intelligence and intellect. Jaxon is smart, but intellectually he is about 4 years old. Add the adhd, male impusivity, and the fact that it took so long to fully diagnose him. That makes for a very volatile child. I try to make her understand, but she thinks he does it because he knows he will get away with it. But you know about the chaos of feelings and everyone's opinion on what's going on. Thank you so much for the solidarity.
I am so, so sorry. This sounds incredibly hard. This online course really helped me with my own child’s behaviors:
coursera.org/learn/everyday...
It’s free. The teacher has worked with children with severe behavior problems for twenty years.
Wishing for the best for you and your family. We are in your corner!
I feel for you, and I feel for him, and I also feel for his brothers in this situation. All of you are affected.
The reality is that while he is a kid, the decision to medicate or not is yours, not his. Yes, he needs to take the medication willingly.
Consider different scenarios, like these. What if you have a child who has hay fever, but doesn't want to take meds? They would have to deal with symptoms like itchy eyes and sneezing; they would have to bring tissues with them everywhere, limit their options of where to go, miss out on outdoor fun, etc.
Now consider what a child with insulin dependent diabetes has to live with. If they don't properly maintain their blood sugar and insulin levels, they can wind up with permanent harm to their body, or even die as a result.
While ADHD is not like diabetes, it has been likened to diabetes because of the persistent nature of the condition, and because of the need for medication to best help many people who have the disorder.
Without the help of medication, life can be so much more difficult.
While you son is young, you have the best opportunity to teach him lessons that will help him throughout his life. Getting proper medical care, mental health care, and self-care are important. Too many of us don't learn that lesson until later.
(I didn't get help until I was 45, because I thought I couldn't afford it. Since I finally got help for anxiety and got an ADHD diagnosis: I've been more consistent as a parent, I've become much more effective at work, finally advanced in my career, and my income has gone up as a result. Medication has helped me tremendously in all of these improvements. Treating my ADHD helps reduce my anxiety level, too.)
I'm totally there with you. I was diagnosed at age 42. I take medication and I talk to him all the time about the medicine quieting the "static" or "noise". I also talk to him about how different he is on medication a n d that he seemed so much happier and at peace while he was taking his meds. None of that matters to him. I asked if it was making him feel sick or if there were side effects that I wasn't seeing and he said no. I used to be so against medicating until I saw the difference. It was like night and day. It was all going so well even school was improving. I wish I could figure out the right question to ask that will allow him to specify what's going on. Thank you for your support.
what meds did he take ? Sounds a lot like my son!
Vyvanse and rispiridone
Ross Greene has this approach with kids where you work together to problem solve. It’s on his Lives in the Balance website. It is helpful with anxious/irritable kids because they need to feel in control before they can agree to do something. Maybe you can problem solve together. Is it the taste? A scary choking feeling with swallowing that happened once? Would he like to try it crushed and in applesauce? With a smoothie? A special drink? Would he like to try just one pill if he thinks it makes him feel bad so you can figure out which pill? Then you can try something different or agree to not continue that particular medication and find a new one. A child psychiatrist could be helpful or, a covered option, a developmental pediatrician. There is also a Facebook group called ask an autistic that offers advice to parents. Is there a local autism society near you? They may be able to offer ideas as well.
I did try to problem solve but he couldn't explain it, which makes him so frustrated. Now to think of it, he won't take any medicine. Trying to get him into ABA therapy has been ridiculous. He has an appointment with his pediatrician and we are going to talk about it. I actually got rid of my Facebook account so that might be hindering getting outside support. Plus, we live in Clarksville TN and just about everything is in Nashville.
Sending you loving thoughts! This is a hard time when kids are starting that hormonal shift around age 12 and then ASD & ADHD as well.
My almost 13 year old son has ASD with anxiety. He was resistant to medication for anxiety. It was affecting him in all aspects of life and then his school raised concerns about his anxiety.
For your son since he’s tried medication perhaps asking him to help you with a pros and cons checklist? You take notes and guide the discussion and he tells you the pros and cons to taking medication
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It took me about 6 months to convince him to take his medication willingly. He’s very intellectual and skeptical and wanted to feel in control. I met with his Dr beforehand and came up with a plan for medication and the steps involved.
My son wanted to first do research and try alternatives. The Dr suggested meditation and mindfulness practices like breathing techniques (none solved the issue). He even attempted hypnosis - unsuccessfully because he was hyperventilating from the anxiety. Lol
All the while my son and I would regularly consult the check list: 1. Meet with Dr 2. Mindfulness, meditation 3. Walk certain number of steps each day for physical exercise 4. Hypnosis 5. Medication
He would only agree to take the lowest dose. We could all see it had a positive impact on him. He couldn’t really see it at first.
I would sit down with him during this whole journey with a journal and would take dictation. He would describe how he felt before taking medication, doing talk therapy only, while trying the mindfulness techniques, when trying hypnosis, after physical exercise, and then when taking medication.
It was concrete documentation that my son needed to carry out this “scientific method”. He was able to process the information and take stock of how he felt each step of the way when another person was helping him by journaling.
His anxiety is now under control. After about a month on the medication I was able to get him on board with taking the second dose in the afternoons. Again, we had to document how he felt in the morning after the dose versus the afternoon when it wore off. He was slowly able to incorporate data from others (sibling, parents, teachers) and trust that they were reliable sources for whether the medication was making a positive impact.
If your mother is open send her the parenting videos and information you are learning. Try to get her onboard.
That's awesome. Sorry, that seemed sarcastic, but it wasn't. Anyway, Jaxon was on board and noticing how it's working. But I agree about him wanting control. At this point I'm trying to be pre-emptive. A lot of the issue is he has two younger brothers, they are annoying and the won't disappear. They can be so annoying and they refuse to learn when to stop. So I can understand the impulse to knock the living crap out them. What I'm trying to do is catch him before the pummeling starts. No one can talk to him when he's mad but if you talk to him while he's calm he won't remember. So I'm trying to catch him before he pops. Thanks for your advice. I'm really happy it worked out with your son. Jaxon has trouble articulating, which makes communication almost impossible.
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