Kids get physical

[Rebryan]

I wonder how others deal with the physical side of an outburst (or is mine the only one who does this??).

I normally curl up, remain calm and repeat that I will talk when he is calm. But, I get my shirt pulled, things thrown in my direction, and pushed around. My husband is usually at work and mine is an only so he takes it all out on me.

I guess the ‘good’ news is that by all accounts none of this behavior happens anywhere else. But, is there some trick to help calm that I am missing? Once it’s over he starts to cry and feels very bad about himself which is almost worse!

[ENA2018]

You are not alone. I have a 7 year old with ADHD combined type.. he punches me in the face for no reason.. and he has a great soul and feels so bad after but it’s the impulse. I would love to talk to you more about what we’re doing. I too felt alone, but this is prevalent..

[Rebryan in reply to ENA2018]

Thank you for sharing your story. I fear what will happen when he gets bigger- he’s already stronger than I am. He knows logically that he shouldnt do it but you know when the outburst takes over it’s like there is no talking to them.

I will say that the outbursts seem to be getting shorter in duration as he gets older- I’m taking that as a sign of encouragement. When he was your son’s age they would go on for 45 minutes to an hour. And there was no place I could go. He follows me!

I have pushed him away and yelled back which I believe makes it worse but then I feel like I’m not doing him any favors by ‘teaching him’ that he can act this way and people will just take it (if that makes any sense). It’s exhausting!!

One thing I have done is if it is getting really bad, I start to cry and that seems to snap him out of it, have you ever done that?

[ENA2018 in reply to Rebryan]

All the time... my son follows me too, and sometimes you just have to collect yourself because this is mentally exhausting. We’re working with our counselor currently about that issue because teaching our kids about our personal needs is somewhat difficult because that’s not how they think... they think in the here and now and their benefit and instant gratification.. I would recommend having another adult involved that can occupy your child during the meltdown (just sitting with the child, listening, not engaging as that will make it worse) so you can get a few minutes of respite.

[Crunchby]

Girl.. You r not alone. My 11 yr old daughter beat the crap out of my arms from blocking her punches about a month ago. It went on for an hour. I didn't want to fight back bc I would hurt her.. But dang. I actually called the police to see what they would do. That call scared her back. The next day we went for a visit to the police station. They knew we were coming and played thier parts well. She got a tour of a cell... Complete with claw marks. The policeman explained what happens it you assault someone. She was in tears when we left. I don't know if this would work for you, but I think it's important they see this as a crime and something that is not ok early on. Good luck

[Rebryan in reply to Crunchby]

Thank you for your reply. I have thought about the police. I’d be interested to know if your method works! I do worry about what happens when my son gets bigger. He’s 9.5 and already weighs 100 pounds of muscle. He’s really strong, stronger than I am! I can not physically control him anymore. But when he gets to be actually bigger than I am, what can I do about someone say, trying to kick me in the face as he was doing Wednesday evening?

I find the outbursts are shorter in duration and less frequent as he is getting older, do you think you’ve seen that in your daughter?

I also worry about future relationships and how he’ll treat whoever he is with.

Stressful!!!!

[Crunchby in reply to Rebryan]

Yep... Exactly to all. I don't know what id do if she was bigger than me.

I know she wants to go to college, and a police report would stay with her... So, honestly i don't think id actually file one. I don't know what I'll do if it happens again. I guess leave. Maybe a lock on your bedroom door?

We do therapy, meds and follow my fav doctor... Russell Barkley. We do have new methods of dealing with escalation now.

We did get her on Abilify after incident... Doctor says it helps with anger...i dunno, causing sleep issues now.

[ENA2018 in reply to Crunchby]

Try melatonin for sleep..I did 3mg with my 7 year old and it didn’t work. Now he has 5mg about an hour before bed time and he sleeps much better.

[MunchkinMommy537 in reply to Crunchby]

We are dealing with the after effects of our son’s PreK principal threatening him with being arrested and going to jail. Before we had a diagnosis and his behavior was bad she would say things like “if you don’t start behaving you’re going to have to go to the school where bad kids go” and “when you get older and you hit someone you’ll go to jail”. It’s put the idea in his head that he is a bad kid, rather than he’s a good kid with trouble controlling his emotions. He’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy where he thinks he’s a bad kid so he might as well act like it. I’m not saying you were wrong, but that’s a very slippery slope.

[Crunchby in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Agree, pre k too young for the concept of jail... Probably just scared him and did little to change future behavior. Hugs

[Rebryan in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Pre K?? Poor kid! I would be so pissed at that principal!

I hear you about the thinking he’s a bad kid. As I said in my original post, once my son snaps out of his outburst he is harder on himself than I ever could be- it’s almost worse!

So, I find it difficult to balance the punishment for the behavior and also knowing some of it is out of his control. It makes me so sad for him.

[MunchkinMommy537 in reply to Rebryan]

I’m reading a book called “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene that looks at underlying reasons behind undesirable behavior. It gets you to focus on the lacking skills that are causing the behavior as opposed to looking at the behavior itself. It’s been very interesting to read, and we’re going to be discussing how to use the strategies with my son.

[Rebryan in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll look into it.

[ENA2018 in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

That’s very unethical! You need to file a complaint.

[MunchkinMommy537 in reply to ENA2018]

Unfortunately it was a private daycare...there wasn’t anybody to complain to. I make sure people know about my experience, though. He’s currently in a good program that understands kids with emotional regulation issues.

[Grandma01]

Sorry folks, I don't have any advise or comment really. I want to know how you all let things get so out of control. Were they doing this bad behaviors when they were 2 or 3 and you thought it was ok because they were so cute cuddly.

My grandson has out angry bursts about things when he doesn't want to do something. Like go to Karate or about homework. They are real short in nature, but they catch me off guard when they come. I should see the homeworking because he'll ask me if he has homework, then before I know it I'm upset and getting loud like him. He has no violent tendencies at all except when we're playing and is started by an adult.

So, basically I'm assuming this is yet another piece of the puzzle?

[MunchkinMommy537 in reply to Grandma01]

Saying we’ve “let things get so out of control “ assumes 1) that we were ever in control of our independent child’s behaviors, and 2) that we somehow chose or allowed we’d this to happen, both of which are ill-educated and insulting. I don’t know one parent of a child with ADHD that would choose to allow their child to behave the way ours do. If I could force my child to behave I wouldn’t be driving myself insane with doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions trying to help him. Some children are born naturally compliant, and some are not. My son gets overwhelmed by groups and will lash out because he doesn’t know how to express his emotions in a more appropriate way. We come on sites like this to get support and advice from people who have been where we have been, not to be judged by people who have no idea what we’re going through.

[Rebryan in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

No matter age, I’ve never considered acting out physically to be cute and cuddly.

I do consider my son cute and cuddly though, even though he exhibits this behavior sometimes, because he is a whole person and this is one aspect of him.

I am happy for you Grandma01 that your grandson does not act out in the same way mine does. Though I am slightly confused by your response to my post.

[BreenyCL in reply to Rebryan]

Well said

[ng24 in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Amen!

[Grandma01 in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

I'm not trying to judge or critize, I'm just trying to understand when the hitting started and what was the reaction.

My grandson when he was much younger use head but nearly every male that came into our house. At first we thought it was cut, then we noticed that this a regular pattern and put a stop to it by heading him off before started to charge. As he got older it just stopped and we didn't think about again.

[Crunchby in reply to Grandma01]

Yeah, no judgement here please. This comment is not helpful

[Melissanmylittleman in reply to Grandma01]

We didn't let our kids get so out of control many of our children cant help it when they are going through what i call an episode we have known my son had severe problems expressing his feelings since he was 2 however the doctors said he was too young to be diagnosed n yes my son is cute and cuddly at times n other times hes cute n cuddly even during an episode do i condone his outbursts no but i also understand it every child is different some need more help than others n my child is one of them

[BreenyCL]

I had this exact issue tonight and reading your posts makes me far feel less alone. My son has outbursts where he just starts saying hurtful things that I know he doesn’t mean but he wants to hurt me to get a reaction. He gets physical too. He did this tonight at bed time, told me I’m a bad Mum and my hair is so ugly???? And pinched my arm, smacked my face. Sometimes I too cry just to stop him as he then gets remorseful and stops. Tonight I held my ground and told him I know he doesn’t mean it and he’s not going to make me yell and cry. He kept trying and I kept dismissing it (holding back tears). Then he stopped, and came up and said “I’m sorry for always treating you bad Mum”. I replied “you don’t always treat me bad, just sometimes but thank you for saying sorry”. Then he held my hand and we went and read a book in bed! This life is crazy... one extreme to the next. I don’t know whether to hug him or cry sometimes.