He can’t get over it

[Aniusia]

Hello, my son is 14 , adhd , medicated

After a year and half of trying different stimulants, that made him mean, sarcastic, angry and sad , he is on non stimulants and things are a lot better. He is smiling, happy boy, gives hugs and kisses before he goes to bed, argues less and I could say that his adhd is under control.

There is still lack of motivation in school, attention problems and impulse control problems ( he would shout in the middle of class or say something stupid or inappropriate)

Today morning he was looking for his headphones. The headphones that he had are broken,only work in one ear. He asked if he could use mine. ( he did for the entire last week and I asked him to find his own over the weekend, because I will need mines ) I said that I am sorry but he can’t use mine. Omg! I am so chip, I don’t know how to share, I don’t love him, his day is ruined etc.

He couldn’t get over it. I tried to tell him that he had time over the weekend to look for his good ones ,but he choose not to, so now he can use the broken ones. No! He got upset, didn’t want to talk to me and went to school all mad. If he doesn’t get over it , he will have a terrible day behavior wise.

I try to avoid situations that can trigger that anger , but he is 14 and need to also learn that people will not always walk around him on the tippy toes. He needs to learn how to manage and get over those situations and emotions.

How do you deal with that ?

[Janice_H]

My son also over-reacts to certain things that would seem trivial to most people. He seems to have difficulty showing appropriate responses to events that don't go the way he wants. It may be quite common. You will find that when he gets home he will have forgotten about the incident and is a completely different boy. I'm really not certain why it occurs. When he is calm you can talk with him about showing more inappropriate behaviors and that you will not tolerate another blow-up. If he has one, make sure there are consequences (no weekend outings, no video game time, no allowance, etc.). He has to learn the hard way.

[Aniusia in reply to Janice_H]

Yes, he got home and doesn’t even remember anything. He sees a therapist and I have to mention those situations to him. Maybe he can suggest some strategies.

[Janice_H in reply to Aniusia]

He will grow out of this phase. Just remember to be consistent with the consequences.

[Hidden]

Ugh, I hate when this happens just before school or right before tutoring or homework. My daughter just starts crying when she gets overwhelmed by things. So I just try to make no big deal about it and get us on our way. It's SO hard when this comes up right before school or another time when you really just need for him NOT to freak out. I just choose my battles. For my daughter it's her mp3 player that she uses as a coping mechanism in school. I start early on Sunday morning - did you charge your player? how bout let's charge it right now. Honestly, I have to write notes to myself to remember what it is she has to do, but I do it to avoid those conflicts and if I don't remember then I don't worry about it for that day. This is NOT EASY at all. But it's ok, some days I do good and some days I don't. I try not to beat myself up about it and do better the next day and help her to become a responsible person at the same time.

[Aniusia in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Yes, it is constant thinking ahead. All the strategies, going around topics, trying to present something so it doesn’t cause a fit....I am tired...Of course teachers and the entire family don’t get it either. What worries me most is, how those kids will go through life? When will they learn?

[Hidden in reply to Aniusia]

I think that question is the hardest one to answer and the hardest one to deal with. Of course they have to learn and learn that they can't just throw a fit a get whatever they want and then again they truly can't help some of the outbursts. Family therapy has been the BEST thing for my daughter and I. We work it out there. And it is SO hard sometimes because we both have to get uncomfortable. For example, one week I was mad because it really felt like every time I wanted her to do something or if she forgot her homework (again), then if I was frustrated she would just start to cry and then we were both frustrated and then it just got worse. So our therapist helped us learn that I'm entitled to my feelings and that I'm still her Mom too, which my daughter DID NOT like. Then she helped us figure out a solution, like maybe I can just try not to REACT and try to take five minutes so that we can talk about it rationally. We've been really trying to work on this, but I will admit that this is really hard for me. I grew up in a family where you did your chores, kept everything clean, changed before Dad got home (anyone else remember that?) and if we didn't d*mmit there were consequences! I know that is not necessarily the solution, but it's hard for me to send my child into the world without her understanding that the world may not help her like I do.....this is a real struggle for us and add to that being bone tired, trying to keep up with homework and work and just trying to take care of ourselves. HUGS.

[Alliea79 in reply to Hidden]

You nailed it. I am ions behind dealing with her constant every time completely ignoring things (like “shower” or “read 20 min”) her father or I ask.... daily. As though it’s a choice??? Or we have sketchy intentions??? I instant flashback to my own childhood and how things went down. Eek. So I do try to step back and remember that she is not me and praise god I’m not my mother. But then I find myself way beyond worried and over stressed about her chance of survival after she grows up or I die...... between the showing of pretty much every challenging symptom of ADHD popping up more daily, and her SEVERE LD (reading is behind aprox 5 grades and no clue with math..). Where was I going with this..... 🥺😳🤯. Yeah. To think, it’s getting late and I am wide awake. Again.

[Kd1970 in reply to Aniusia]

“Teachers and the entire family don’t get it.” I hear you and share the same reality.

[anirush]

Have this same problem with my 14 year old grandson. He can be the sweetest kid and then something like that can knock him for a loop and he's angry and rude. We too work with our therapist on this.

[Barkeli01]

My son (13) is VERY reactional when he doesn’t get what he wants. I’ve attributed that to puberty though and just keep praying he will grow out of it! LOL!!!

[Alliea79 in reply to Barkeli01]

YES!!! I never can be sure if it is puberty or ADHD or the monster combo.... but it’s crazy, as a toddler the 2’s and 3’s were NOTHING compared to this!!!

[Kat1002]

It sounded like my youngest son in some sense as "i believe" he may be needing to be around more group involved activities where there will be more attemtion and support. Is your son in outside activities whether as a family/friends, sports, music, etc? It would be under your leadership as well as others. Some fun and some work. What i did with my kids is got involved in the city with kids/family activites like city/beach clesn ups as a family, volunteer with organizations to work events, and putting my kids in group and individual activities.

What we did first is have family days where we get our kids involved. Figure out what type of family activities "YOU" as adults could manage and afford and sit down to give advice what they think? If you can have like camping, weekend getaway to an amusement park, train ride to another town for over night, or to do something that would be exciting to your son's thoughts, he would enjoys the leaderdhip. Then, there must be rules and understanding throughout the excursion. Teaching him that not every decision can be his and that life is made up with EVERYONE supporting decisions forward. We all have to live by rules and if broken, there can be repercussions.

My husband and i taught my boys since a toddler that we dont always get what we want. We use to talk to them every time we made a trip to the local store. We would ask them if they would like to go... even though they were going, and then we would tell them that we know they might see something they might like but it does not mean we could buy it. We had full on discussions as to what behavior and that they can always ask, but it may not go in their favor. Sometimes we would buy them a toy they liked and then sometimes we would ask which ones they liked and we would choose together as sometimes for us adults, we didnt want to spend too much more. We never had our kids crying or screaming and they were always happy to be able to see and play wiyh what they could while shopping. When we let our kids know we had to leave, they would put the toys back and would walk out. If we decided they could buy, they were very appreciative and happier.

We have and have had our son involved in group and individual sports as scoccer, football, rugby, judo, and also currently in dance. We allowed him to do many different activities for himself as well as try what was interesting to him. He is now 17-yrs and has been taking his high school elective classes in leadership. He enjoys polynesian dancing, cooking, and is now performing & competing in dance. He just said he wished he could sing better and so we offered to have him try some lessons to see if he would like to persue that path.

As for your 14-yr old and older children, you must get a little more creative to "HELP THEM" realize that life does not evolve around them. Maybe having more discussions on leadership at home and in group involvement programs. Maybe an outside mentor or therapist to give your child the same tools of actions but maybe in a slight different thought to walk as it takes it sometimes to have an outside person to get into a child's mind & heart but what us parents can afford as well as be creative to helping our young explore. Its not always medication that supports a child's behavior.

Good luck and best wishes on a great path forward.

[seller]

My ADHD son is 24 and still over-reacts to things that we think are trivial. I'm not sure if it's a poor impulse control or what, but it still happens occasionally. Your son is only 14 and this may get worse as he gets older, at least for a few years. Here's my advice: don't take it personally, don't talk a lot about it - leave the room is he wants to continue to argue because you're not going to fix it for him, and DO make sure there are immediate and brief consequences. It is true that they will have completely forgotten about the incident later in the day, while we were still in shock and reeling from what we thought was a big argument. So, don't stress too much about these blow-ups.

[Mmagusin]

I’d love to get my son off stimulants. I do think there is a massive crash when they wear off & this causes mean, aggressive, & defiant behavior. We tried different versions to see if others had less crash effect but this was even worse! He was totally out of control. So, he definitely needs medication. In the summer, maybe we’ll try him off the stimulants for a week or more to see if his brain chemistry recovers on its own. We’ll see. For non stimulants, he takes Straterra with moderate results & just started guanfacine.

[Aniusia in reply to Mmagusin]

My son is on Strattera and Guanfacine and we finally do not have mean, sarcastic child. Stimulants did not work and we only wasted 1 year. On non stimulants, he is easier, calmer, but still has attention problems.

[Pennywink]

Emotional dysregulation is definitely a component of ADHD, and some medications can really make it worse (or worse when they wear off.)

My son usually becomes sad / weepy instead of aggressive, but he can be argumentative - at which point I ignore him. I may have a gentle reminder “when you calm down & speak respectfully, then I will talk to you.” If it got extreme, I would leave the room.

As for remembering to do something, people with ADHD often have working memory deficits. They just aren’t going to remember something over a long term and they need a lot of visual cues to compensate. To prepare our son for the future, we currently have a dry erase board in his room (he’s 7). I currently write things he needs to remember on it, and I’m teaching him to check it & eventually write these things for himself while he thinks of it. We also use a lot of visual checklists for packing his backpack, morning routine, bedtime routine, the day’s schedule if school is out, etc. These have helped us a lot.

[annegregg]

Play therapy could be good, even though he may be a bit old for that. It is therapy where the child is playing/drawing/doing a puzzle and at the same time working through situations with a therapist. Or an emotional regulation coach?

Is he anxious and maybe needs anxiety medication?

Good luck.