unsure of what is actually up with me

I am 23 years of age and from the age of 5 ive always felt guilty and hated.

i have not had a good relationship with my mother throughout my life ( was not abused) we never clicked together. i can remember been aged about 8 and thinking about killing my self. I have always felt like that since then when ever i got in to arugments etc with my mother. i think when i was like 10-11 i actually tried to hang my self in my room with a scarf but it kept slipping off the curtain rail. i havent seen my mum for other 4 years now. i always feel that everyone hates me and i must please everyone. i always feel like something bad is always going to happen and its going to be my self. some times i think about people dieing in my family and what would happen when they did and it upsets me. i always feel alone. outside to people i am happy out going person but deep down i hate my self.

i look in the mirror and hate the way i look even tho i know nothing is wrong with me. my mother used to call me names a lot when i was younger and pick faults but i release now im a adult that you shouldnt do that to children.

i always feel like people are staring at me and judging me. ive only ever had long term relationships and when i am in one i always feel like they r seeing someone else and i deserve it. feeling like this doesnt effect my work but sometimes my social life as i feel if i go out people will look at me.

i find it hard to sleep sometimes and worry over little things over and over.

i go to work worried ive left something on and my house will be on fire.

10 Replies

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  • Now...if I was a professional I would (from what you've said) hazard a guess at BPD but I'm not a professional...that's what you need.

    Go and tell your GP how you feel and ask for a specialist referral to try and help you untangle the mess you're in.

    Lorraine

    :)

  • hi

    i have looked this up and it suits me to a t. i want to nip in the bud as soon as i can, how would i go about telling my GP about this because ill end up talking my self in to not going

    thank you

  • Hi

    Sorry that you are suffering this way..I would urge you to seek help from your Dr. If it helps write it down and give it to him/her when you get there...

    I wish you well you have made the first step to helping yourself by seeking help on here..but you do need to get some professional help too...

    Let us know how you get on

    Sue x

  • Don't google conditions, you'll get yourself in a terrible tangle. You might find that BPD fits like a glove, you'll probably also discover that ADHD does too. OCD will be a warm pair of socks, and Aspergers a cosy hat. I google stuff incessantly. I type in abdominal pain and within minutes I've got appendicitis, heart failure and a brain tumour.

    It certainly sounds like something is not right though, and your own admission of your childhood behaviour suggests that you could do with talking this through with your GP.

    You sound very anxious about things?

  • I would suggest that you go and see your GP and tell them how you feel, as you have done on here, and I am sure they will be able to help you. You sound very anxious and it is best to go to your GP for help so you don't have to suffer like this. Wishing you all the best. xx

  • Please go to your Doctor, it sounds to me that you are very anxious, I suffered from a lot of anxiety early on in my life. It was awful, worrying about everything, but now I don't have any anxiety at all, so there is a lot of help there. Your self esteem is probably low, especially if your Mum was not great, but all this can be improved and worked on, Better to start the process now, and you won't know yourself.

    You sound like a lovely person, and I hope you tell all this to your Doctor, best of luck and take care.

    Hannah

  • Go seek a counsellor who works on the inner child. Who is also a person centred counsellor,,, I know whats wrong, but,, i dont know how far you are from me.

    If our own parents who bought us into the world,,, doesnt love us,,, they why would we begin to love ourselves... ??? You didnt have the nurturing and skills that should be taught by your mother, and your lack of self worth, is part of this. it will haunt you forever, unless you get some work done... on your understanding of wht happened to you, what happened to your mother, how she was brought up, and maybe thats why she was the way she was... then, more work,,, and then,,, the inner calm will come,,,,It will take a lot of time, it will be hard,,, but no harder than the pain you feel now, but you will feel lighter in the end, and no more self loathing.

    kind regards,,, yes I am trained :)

  • Hi thanks for your really nice comment,

    i have spilt up with my partner as i was in a relationship i wasnt happy with. you are right about mother. you dont really see at the time which shouldnt have been happening till your actually older. i have been to my gp and he has confirmed that i have a lot of issues with my past which is effecting my present. i have done a depression test etc everythings fine there. i think coming on here and actually accepting i have issues from my child hood as already made me 50% better :):)

  • Hiya,I'm so sad to hear you say these things about yourself. I would question what you say about child abuse as emotional abuse is very hard to deal with, as is not having proper healthy attachment to your mother. You did not ask for any of that and you make out the problem is you, but is it possible you have the problem but were not the cause? Have you thought that. Hiding behind 'a mask' is exhausting and you deserve better. Go and have an honest chat to your gp and come out with a plan! Don't allow yourself to settle for a 'half life', you deserve to live and not exist!

    Just for information I went to a conference on parental mental health and was shocked to be told that research indicated that every child in CAMHS services ( the child and adolescent mental health services) a mother who had post natal depression, and the most severe cases were mothers who had depression in pregnancy. Something to think about? not to blame but you need to think why? To move on. An infant looks to its mother to mirror them, a happy mother / career indicates they are lovable, safe and helps form positive attachment, if they are depressed with a 'blank' expression or neglect emotional needs for nurture where is the child? If you want to google something google that.

    But def go to your gp. Hope that helps - YOU DESERVE a life xxxx

  • Meant to say totally agree with the comments from coat pin xx

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