I really have had enough and have been thinking I should just put an end to my life. I have been looking at methods. I have too many issues and I am just unexcited and bored at life. Two years ago after having been in a difficult relationship for 7 years I started another one with a childhood friend. I had to lie to my ex about why we broke up, I told her I was taking a job up north and had to move. This was because the girl I was going to be with lived up there so would be less of a blow if I told her it was work. I was very worried about the effect it would have on her because she had bad emotional problems. In reality I never moved.
I started out by meeting this new girl in June of 2011. It was instant fireworks but it took me 5 or 6 weeks to completely break it off with the ex, trying to ease into it by saying I just wanted us to be friends etc. When I eventually did, I made it official with the new girl and for a while it was absolutely amazing. We did break off for a month or so in November of that year because she has two kids and was getting stressed. Her ex partner killed himself when she was heavily pregnant with her second kid so I knew this was going to raise issues from time to time. However we sorted it and continued on and recognised that we had to slow things down a bit as we had been so carried away in the first few months. So all was going amazingly. Until she accidentally got pregnant. She told me she had taken the pill several hours late one day.
When we found out we talked it over and realised we could not go ahead with it. This was really stressful for us. She broke down in tears and everything just became a nightmare. After a few days after fixing a date for the op she just wanted me out of the way. I went home earlier than planned and after it was done she cancelled the weekend that I was to see her. I went up to hers on Valentines day only to find she had messaged her ex's tribute page on Facebook saying he was the only love of his life, which devastated me on top of everything. I was so angry. I couldn't believe the dream had become such nightmare. I went home the next day and broke down with what we had done. I know I should have given her space but I was broken with it and I sent an email saying how totally alone she had left me and I was angry about the ex issues. She broke it off with me and I lost it totally. A few days later she confirmed that she wanted to be alone now with her kids and we were over. She said to me it had taken this happening to see she couldn't be in a relationship and it wasn't what she wanted.
Fast forward over the year and I became bitter with what had happened. I tried to remain friends so I could take the bitter blow and I couldn't stand to not see her. She never mentioned the termination again, I felt she had got over with it as she is quite a tough girl underneath. My ex before her got in contact again as a friend, as odd as that sounds I let her in and it was ok for a while but soon become complicated and involved until in September when I just had to let both of them go. Last week I find out my last ex, who said to me she could never be in a relationship ever again, and made that statement publicly on Facebook, has got a boyfriend. I had stayed away from looking at her life until I just decided to see a picture of her and found it out. I confronted her and cut short, she said the pain of what happened with us was too much to bear. This was after I tore her to shreds for messing me around and lying to her. Having been bitter all this year because I feel she had just messed me around and was always going to dump me, now I have to accept that the life that was set for us disappeared only because of what happened. As far as I'm concerned I would still be with her now.
She was my everything and we were so in love together and I lost her because of one mistake that anyone could make. I constantly blame myself for not talking it over with her after she told me how forgetful she was taking the pill. It just didn't click into place that this would happen. So I lost her and everything I've been feeling about her and saying towards her has been wrong. And stupidly I have done silly things like I was in her area and posted something through her door. There is much more wrong with me than this but this is enough - I can't bear her being with someone else, I loved her so much and I promised to not contact her anymore. It just kills me how she just couldn't see past the person that put her thru the pain and couldn't take up with me again, even six months/a year later. Yet could be with someone else. She says she wasn't looking it 'just happened'. I feel this will never go away. I'm sorry this was so long.