Feel like ending things, really had enough

I really have had enough and have been thinking I should just put an end to my life. I have been looking at methods. I have too many issues and I am just unexcited and bored at life. Two years ago after having been in a difficult relationship for 7 years I started another one with a childhood friend. I had to lie to my ex about why we broke up, I told her I was taking a job up north and had to move. This was because the girl I was going to be with lived up there so would be less of a blow if I told her it was work. I was very worried about the effect it would have on her because she had bad emotional problems. In reality I never moved.

I started out by meeting this new girl in June of 2011. It was instant fireworks but it took me 5 or 6 weeks to completely break it off with the ex, trying to ease into it by saying I just wanted us to be friends etc. When I eventually did, I made it official with the new girl and for a while it was absolutely amazing. We did break off for a month or so in November of that year because she has two kids and was getting stressed. Her ex partner killed himself when she was heavily pregnant with her second kid so I knew this was going to raise issues from time to time. However we sorted it and continued on and recognised that we had to slow things down a bit as we had been so carried away in the first few months. So all was going amazingly. Until she accidentally got pregnant. She told me she had taken the pill several hours late one day.

When we found out we talked it over and realised we could not go ahead with it. This was really stressful for us. She broke down in tears and everything just became a nightmare. After a few days after fixing a date for the op she just wanted me out of the way. I went home earlier than planned and after it was done she cancelled the weekend that I was to see her. I went up to hers on Valentines day only to find she had messaged her ex's tribute page on Facebook saying he was the only love of his life, which devastated me on top of everything. I was so angry. I couldn't believe the dream had become such nightmare. I went home the next day and broke down with what we had done. I know I should have given her space but I was broken with it and I sent an email saying how totally alone she had left me and I was angry about the ex issues. She broke it off with me and I lost it totally. A few days later she confirmed that she wanted to be alone now with her kids and we were over. She said to me it had taken this happening to see she couldn't be in a relationship and it wasn't what she wanted.

Fast forward over the year and I became bitter with what had happened. I tried to remain friends so I could take the bitter blow and I couldn't stand to not see her. She never mentioned the termination again, I felt she had got over with it as she is quite a tough girl underneath. My ex before her got in contact again as a friend, as odd as that sounds I let her in and it was ok for a while but soon become complicated and involved until in September when I just had to let both of them go. Last week I find out my last ex, who said to me she could never be in a relationship ever again, and made that statement publicly on Facebook, has got a boyfriend. I had stayed away from looking at her life until I just decided to see a picture of her and found it out. I confronted her and cut short, she said the pain of what happened with us was too much to bear. This was after I tore her to shreds for messing me around and lying to her. Having been bitter all this year because I feel she had just messed me around and was always going to dump me, now I have to accept that the life that was set for us disappeared only because of what happened. As far as I'm concerned I would still be with her now.

She was my everything and we were so in love together and I lost her because of one mistake that anyone could make. I constantly blame myself for not talking it over with her after she told me how forgetful she was taking the pill. It just didn't click into place that this would happen. So I lost her and everything I've been feeling about her and saying towards her has been wrong. And stupidly I have done silly things like I was in her area and posted something through her door. There is much more wrong with me than this but this is enough - I can't bear her being with someone else, I loved her so much and I promised to not contact her anymore. It just kills me how she just couldn't see past the person that put her thru the pain and couldn't take up with me again, even six months/a year later. Yet could be with someone else. She says she wasn't looking it 'just happened'. I feel this will never go away. I'm sorry this was so long.

14 Replies

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  • You have to let her go, and remember that well I am sorry but I am not a nasty person but is this not exactly what you did in a way to your ex, you lied and cheated on her and moved on with another person and now that the next one has lied and moved on you suddenly can not handle it. Yes you loved her but she clearly does not love you and has moved on, they say it takes a bigger person to accept and to let it go and I can say for a fact that being yelled at having a home attacked etc, will only turn the person against you as my ex husband refused to let me go to the point that I lost our children over it as it was deemed that I could not protect them from him and his attacks.

    Would you really want this women to lose everything, she herself has been through a very traumatic time and I would think that she confused being lonely with being in love which is easy to do. Have you considered just moving away and blocking them and not looking on facebook you need to let go and go and speak to someone as you yourself have been through a deep hurt, in the sense of losing a baby and then just being blanked, it does affect both people its not just the female that suffers, perhaps you feel let down and cheated on etc, but you are far better to see what is wrong and admit like you have that you have done things wrong and said the wrong things, that I admire you for, it takes a great person to come out and say I did this wrong, I did that wrong.

    I think personally you have unresolved issues in which you saw a future with her and then from nowhere it was just cut dead and now she has moved on you feel like well why was she unable to do that with me, its simple she was not ready and she may very well do the same to the current partner as she will need serious support in dealing with the death of her childrens father as it will be an issue for the rest of her life and maybe in some way she blames herself.

    You are better off saying right I love her but have to let her go and move and not look for any kind of relationship, get a good job and a group of friends and the right person will come along when the time is right, and to be honest how would your family feel if you ended it over a broken heart, they would be distroyed and never recover and what would it do to her as well knowing that on top of her first partner having done the same thing.

    Time does heal all pain it really does yes sure you still have bad days i am not going to lie to you but in my life i have lost everything and I still fight to get out of bed some days, I am not working have no friends or family now and have just had to deal with my children being adopted and yet I can still keep going, why because I like to thing that there is something better out there and it will come, so for now i deal with what i have to and let go of the pain and yes i do have really bad days but i just tell myself I am allowed a bad day and the next one will be better, you can do it, you really can just take it a day at a time

    if you ever need to chat just message me

    Helen

  • Oh mate you really have been through the wringer, haven't you? You've taken a brave and important step coming on here and opening up, and that shows that you don't want to end it all, you want life to be better. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Please help yourself to get over this. Get to your GP, if you explain that you have been having suicidal thoughts you should be able to get an emergency appointment. Take some AD Meds, they won't cure depression but they will help you cope with life a lot better. I've gone from your condition in January to being able to function reasonably normally now thanks to my GP and Sertraline.

    There's a book I found at Waterstones called How to Get Your Lover Back - it's an alternative to all the "how to reconcile yourself to a break-up" advice that is out there and I have found it really useful because it's based on a positive outlook.

    Please try and live every day as a new day, and never forget there is a lot of love and happiness out there, you just have to survive long enough to get out there and find it. That won't be tomorrow, and it might not be next month or next year, but never give up on yourself.

    Good luck, I'll swap messages anytime you're really low. Hang in there..

  • I was in the same position in January but some how hung in day to day.I know nothing makes any sense now BUT PLEASE TRY TO GO ONE HOUR AT A TIME -ONE DAY AND SO ON ..THINGS WILL GET BETTER..TRUST YOUR GP AND ANYONE GIVING GOOD ADVICE AND YOU`LL GET THROUGH THIS .

  • I will try and go to the doctors although I really don't want to be on the pills again. I feel so low with this, I am so heart-broken it's eating me up so badly. I couldn't pull myself out of bed til gone 11 this morning and then really struggled to leave the house. I went to the gym for a swim but couldn't do it so I just relaxed in the spa and steam room. I'd give up anything to be with her again. Every day is just agony for me, I went to a friend yesterday I hadn't seen, we talked about working together and I felt positive but this depression is just dragging me down.

    On top of all this I just have to look at the wasted life I have. I'm approaching 40 and I still don't have a career nailed. Just started to believe in myself and have a few happy clients then I found this out. Now on top of this I feel trapped in a low self-esteem/low attainment circle. The jobs I've been doing are freebies, I've got no money and everything I think of doing I have no confidence of, on top of this I think my memory has been zapped over the past several years because I struggle so much to learn - being that I was in the top groups back in school that's pretty distressing. I'm sorry this is all jumbled up, I just feel so miserable and worthless I just think finishing my life would put me at peace. Even though I know it would smash everyone else, they aren't living my life and having my problems.

  • I would suggest talking it all out with a relate counsellor, and going through your feelings tell them how you have been feeling. They are brilliant!!

    you might learn a lot about yourself, and how to progress.

  • By that you mean the Relate organisation? Looking into that now, didn't realise they counsel individuals

  • these people may also help.

    regards,

    sandra.

    Mind Infoline

    Information service for users of mental health services, carers and other groups. Information on types of mental distress, treatments, therapies and legal information.

    08457 660163 (9.15am – 4.45pm everyday)

    Languages: Use of Language Line.

    Fax: 020 8522 1725

    E-mail: contact@mind.org.uk

    mind.org.uk

    Sane

    SANE services provide practical help, emotional support and specialist information to individuals affected by mental health problems, their family, friends and carers.

    Helpline: 0845 767 8000 (6pm – 11pm)

    SANEmail: sanemail@sane.org.uk

    Support Forum: sane.org.uk/DB

    The Samaritans

    The Samaritans provide 24 hour, confidential, emotional support for anyone in crisis.

    08457 909090 (24 hours)

    samaritans.org

  • There are so many people out there to help you as the above people have said. Just take small steps each day and you WILL get there. I would take any pill my GP prescribed if I thought it would help me . It is not an admission of failure but one of recognising that you have a genuine illness and need help. Please see your GP and make use of the information the others have given you. And I really do wish you all the best. You seek help and do it NOW.

  • Hi

    There is no need to apologise for your blog being long, you wrote what you needed to and that's what the website is for, to express feelings you need help with and explain the background to them. You did well to outline the situation so clearly!

    It sounds as if you have had a really rough time with relationships recently and I can understand how that has got you down particularly as you feel you ware wasting your life because of your age and not being settled happily with someone.

    It sounds as if your recent relationship was volatile from the beginning! Also she brought with her a history of problems within relationships and you say you yourself have problems so its perhaps not suprising that together your relationship also had problems but it is sad that you invested so much and that now the relationship is over you feel you have nothing left to live for. That sounds as if you invested everything in the relationship. No relationship can withstand that kind of pressure, it's simply impossible for a relationship to provide the only source of meaning in your life. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's reality. Relationships can make life happier but they can't be the only meaning otherwise it's simply too much pressure on the other person.

    You don't say what your other problems are but it sounds as though you think they are important, and now you have the additional problem of trying to cope with your feelings about the recent breakup and loss of all your hopes and dreams. I think you need someone to talk with about those feelings, in particular about how and why the 7 year relationship broke up and why you became so immediately attracted to and quickly involved with the second person who obviously had problems of her own. Perhaps you picked someone who was exciting but unable to meet your needs?

    I would suggest you try to obtain some counselling or better still some psychotherapy. It's not easy to find help with relationship problems quickly. Relate are usually really good and can see people according to means, they do see people on their own without a partner and charge according to your means. Your GP could refer you for counselling although with the NHS cuts that tends to be very short term but may help with the immediate feelings. If you have enough money you could see a therapist privately but it is costly so may not be a realistic option it depends upon your situation - if you can afford to pay to see someone make sure they are on one of the national registers for therapists UKCP or BACP. I agree with the blogger who suggests you have unresolved issues ie. things from your past which made you pick someone who was bringing such major problems with her and with whom you were unlikely to be able to form a stable long term relationship. That may be a pattern from your past, I don't know if it is, that's just a possibility. If you had a difficult childhood that will make it difficult for you to form easier adult relationships, or maybe you bring other kinds of problems into a relationship. I don't know, only you know the kinds of experiences you have had and how they have left you feeling about women. If you do have any thoughts about why you picked your recent partner it might help you to share them on the website as a lot of people here are really supportive and bring experiences with them that may be able to help you.

    I hope you begin to feel life is worth living again, because it certainly is and if you can be helped to overcome your feelings and understand what happens within your relationships you may be enabled to form a happier one which meets your long term needs.

    Take care,

    Suexxx

  • I saw the doctor this morning, I told him I didn't want pills. Referred to Mental Health people but recommends a different counsellor. I have contacted Relate as well, I have booked in a session. It's a few weeks away, I will try to last out but I don't know. I can't really afford it, I will contact the MH service too but again that'll be weeks away as it usually is.

    Sue you are probably right I let this relationship be everything and at the heart of it I still hadn't found my vocation in life. All I've done is flimp around from one dead end job to another, trying on many hats and only recently have I found something I like. Problem is with the mentality I've allowed myself to get into over the years I could never step it up and have the confidence to take it to the level I needed. Just starting to develop it now but so so late in life, to all ends I have no money, living with a family friend and seeing myself lag so far behind people my age which is even more depressing. I would have done any job or given up my career dreams which were fast fading anyway. I don't know, I think I've somehow had my eyes closed to the real world for all that time I was in a relationship. Very unhappy and feeling totally inadequate right now, but if I'm honest I've felt inadequate for at least 20 years now. I really miss her and so sorry for how far we fell.

  • Just also had a chat with my sister and told her the full story, she is so wise

  • This isn't going away. Felt fine yesterday as had a productive working day but come about midnight I was with a friend and it all just came flooding in. I feel so worthless and I have wasted so much of my life. I first had depressive feelings at 18 which is now 20 years ago and it feels that that period of my life after leaving school did something to my self-esteem which has never been checked. I am not right and I feel I have lost all clarity of thought and my self confidence is shattered so much I will never have the ability to step up my life. Having a good creative spell at the moment but my whole passion for life has disappeared. I am stuck living with a family friend and that was after leaving a pretty shitty block of flats. I am completely broke and these were my only choices. As much as I know it would hurt my family I think this is my only solution. I am tired and I am so utterly devastated by the situation with my ex it causes a pain in me that I don't want to live with

  • i am in same boat but have literally no way of changing things i have a muscle deformity which i cannot get answers to from anywhere hospital etc. my muscles on my back and shoulders are severely underdeveloped this affects my posture my and my arms are extremely loose i have tried going to the gym for strengthening and this has not helped it is so awkward and i am being told by doctors etc. that i am normal even tho i am obviously not normal there is some form of mutation in my genes which has caused this i have had same problem my entire life i am 26 now and i am finding it extremely irritating and c no reason to keep putting myself through a life which i am not happy with and have no way of changing it i have tried to accept that i am deformed but do not want to live this life anymore as there is no way of improving this life

  • There must be some specialists you can see about what to do and how you can try and live as much of a normal life as you can. I wouldn't rely solely on your GP, try to find other resources, as well as support groups. I'm not exactly sure what your condition would be called but it must be out there. Do you think also you might want to consider a user name change?

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