Can't let go

This evening my daughter and I will start counselling together, last night is the first night she has stayed since she walked out on 8 Feb. We had a lovely evening just like they had always been up until the night she walked out.

I want her to come home so badly but a couple of comments she has made make me feel that it is not going to happen. My family tell me to just get on with my life and not to bother with whether or not she comes home but how do you get on with your life, my daughter is my life yes I have a beautiful partner and we plan to marry next year. My daughter is only 15 and has always been with me. In feel by letting go I would be letting us both down.

I will find out later how she really feels I hope. I just want to be able to cope if she doesn't want to come back but I am worried that I will just go into crisis again and I don't know if I can recover this time I am so frightened of losing control and with it everything and everyone around me.

i know I am not a bad mum I have always tried to be there for my girls I work hard, and have given them all my love. Friends and family say I have given them too much of me they are very angry and hurt that my daughter has treated me the way she has. They are not spoilt in material ways but how much love is too much love from a mum to her children, I can't answer that one but I do not regret the amount if love I have given and continue to give to my children. Am I the one who is being selfish by unconsciously wanting to be loved in the way I love them I just don't know.

7 Replies

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  • Hi

    It sounds as if things have been tough recently, dealing with a teenager is never easy, I used to teach them and remember how difficult they are sometimes. You say your daughter has been your life and I guess that is difficult for her now as she needs to be finding her own way in the world. Perhaps you need to trust her, to go on being there for her and believe that when she needs you she will come to you, she obviously loves you and knows you love her because you have had lovely times together as you describe. Back off from her and get on with your own life, without forgetting her, I know you want her to love you, and she does, but she needs to separate from you, that's a normal part of adolescence. I wonder whether you have unresolved grief from the past, maybe a parent leaving you or not being available, and your daughter's separating puts you in touch with those feelings. Maybe not, but that is a possibility. You have to allow your daughter to love you in her own way, she obviously does so can you find a way to believe that?

    Suexx

  • I am sending positive thoughts for you both, it's a big step forward.

    hug (( :) ))

    sandra.

  • Oh Vicky, I can relate to your feelings so very much. Five years ago my then 18 year old daughter decided she couldn't live within our family home any longer, apparently her Dad and I were unbearable. She took things to the extreme and ended up homeless, living in a hostel. It broke our hearts, my thoughts were to leave her to find herself but my husband couldn't bear for her to be there and so he pleaded with her until she came back home and then bought a flat for her. We thought we had been to hell and back and that everything would sort itsself out...no, that was only the beginning. She ended up in a relationship with a no mark with baggage of siblings due to his Dad being murdered...he was homeless and ended up moving in to the flat with his baby sister in tow. Our daughter was just 19 years old at this point but was 'in love'. We have watched her give up her young life to become 'mum' to this child and watched the property, which we have now sold on to both of them, deteriorate due to his lazy attitude and lack of interest in nurturing and providing a clean loving home. They have snakes, lizards, guinea pigs, dogs, cats, birds, fish you name it they will have it... all in a two bedroom flat with two adults and one child. Now they are expecting a baby, our first grandchild. It is all so sad. We have tried to provide for our daughter, I took on another job to put her boyfriend through his driving test to try to make him employable. We have loved both of his young sisters (although only one of the lives with my daughter) we have tried to include them all in our family but no it hasn't worked, we have helped them out financially and made sure they have food in their mouths, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads. She now wants nothing to do with us. I have seen the bruises on her neck which she explains as spots!!! She has contacted our son to bring her home when her boyfriend has abandoned her at his friends house because he is too drunk to know what he is doing. Our hearts are broken. We have given her too much. We take the blame for her short comings and look back thinking maybe we should have done things differently but hindsight just makes things worse. We wanted her to have a great life, she has chosen the easy option...living in their own dirt, dog dirt on the kitchen floor, washing dirty or clean lying everywhere, borrowing money from payday loan companies when we refuse to give them more...it will just be a matter of time before the flat is repossessed and they are all homeless including this baby when it is born. It is so very sad and we have to let it happen, we have to let go, every day it breaks our hearts a little more. Her birthday was on Saturday, we sent a lovely card and present and gave her the space she wanted. Mothers Day passed with a text message, I tried to arrange a day out this weekend, my daughter agreed and then within half an hour declined saying she couldn't do it. It is all so sad. I have now come to the conclusion that it is better if we just leave her to it, no further contact, let her find her own way. I don't know if it is the best option but it is the only one I can see. I can't take anymore heartbreak. I didn't realise families had issues like this. We have always been such a close family but she has chosen to become involved with this person and his broken family. We need to let go. So very very sad, this is not the life we thought our baby girl, born 24 years ago, would lead.

  • Im really sad to read this, But I think you have done as much as you can right now, its very hard to watch your child make mistakes especially with a wrong partner. But I think its a case of tough love, it works, and its only by you living your own life and looking after yourself that any good can come. If she sees the light I am sure she will get in touch, and maybe if she has no support any more in her bad choices, she will get sense and ask for proper help sooner. I am sure you are doing the right thing, she is an adult now, and has to be responsible for her choices, and you really need to put the focus on your life and take care of yourself now. Dont despair, she may see the light and then if you look after you in the meantime, you will be able to be there for her then. I hope this is of some help. Take care. Hannah

  • Good luck hun.... x

  • Same thing happened to me, but she told teachers she was too worried about coming home, I might hit, her, so they bought in soical services. I told her if shes so afraid, then maybe she could go to be withthem,,, it was those times when kids got a big grant to get new shoes, trainers the latest,

    I was heart broken inside. but half of me wanted to scream at her ,, what the hell are you doing !!!! The emotions that came out, of me, felt I was bleeding emotional pain. She knew I hated social services.

    The foster parent allowed her out till late, and allowed her to smoke, (she had chronci asthma) which I would never allowed her to do, and the boyfriend was doing drugs, and encouraging her to smoke. she was with them for more than six months because social services never do anything quickly. My youngest was devistated ,, wheres vinny gone she would ask, that hurt tooo much.

    I knew she was manipulating, and the fosterparent wanted to take her on holiday without my permission. All the things I couldnt provide,, horse riding holiday. (which she got a big fat cheque for.)

    It was the two parent family my daughter craved, and wanted ie the pocket money I couldnt afford to give her. after a long while, I said to my daughter Im moving house, if you dont come home, then we wont tell you were weve gone. she arrived in a taxi, just before we left.

    you love them, you would kill for them, they just dont have the capacity to realise how much they hurt you.

    Shes a teen, she selfish, in a way you did your job, you brought her up the best way you can, and she feels ready to leave the nest sooner than you wanted. praise yourself, pamper yourself, your going to have to let her go with your love, take her shopping , go for tea, have your nails done together, become a friend, and less of a mother, redefine your role, go to college do something you never got to do. you have to change!!! as she has done without another thought. keep the door open. tell her you love her, parenting doesnt give you a medal,,,, but it should!!! with love x

  • I feel for any parent who so struggling, I can't imagine reading some of your posts what you are feeling I guess though like me all our experiences are heart breaking.

    I listened to what my daughter had to say none of it came as a surprise because although she tells everyone I don't listen everything she mentioned we had talked about. We have been through a lot and what can out was that my children have refused to deal with their feels with their dad encouraging them not to talk about things, he gives them a broom and lifts the carpet, the consequences now anger and frustration towards me.

    With time I hope me and my children can sort things out together it will be a long journey I know and not an easy one I know I will have my good days and my bad I have to accept it and deal with it a day at a time. Xx

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