Those of you who've read my blogs before will know I've been depressed for most of my life although it wasn't until after therapy that I became able to really FEEL depressed - before that I was slightly shut off and didn't really know what was missing in my life. Now I realise it was the love and support that I needed as a child. I've had a lot of therapy including a four year training as a therapist but I still feel depressed though very much better than I did years ago. Therapy has helped.
Now I'm writing really just to share how I'm feeling because I find sometimes responses from other people on the site can be helpful. As I said, I completed a therapy training only to find that the form of therapy I trained in is now out of fashion due to financial cuts and so makes it almost impossible to work anywhere apart from freelance. I tried to do that without success as I didn't have the ability to sell myself - I'm good enough at helping other people but not good at helping myself. I let my registration lapse and sunk into deep depression. Gradually I pulled out of it a little and did a fine art degree, but although I am creative I don't have the ability to produce the kind of art that is saleable. I feel it's yet another skill that I have that has no value in the world. The way that feeling repeats my childhood feelings of being unwanted and unlvoeable sometimes distresses me though at other times I can be philosophical and realise it isn't as simple as it feels to me at times. I'm now over 60 and have applied to do a further training in brief therapy in order to get back into working with clients but just can't hold onto any sense of there being a point in trying because I will fail again. I guess that's the depression talking.
I'm struggling with the lack of relationship with my (3rd) husband. When I met him I was at the stage of therapy where I was no longer preoccupied by the past and could tell my story of emotional neglect, childhood isolation, breakdown at 11 and sexual abuse. I knew what I wanted from a relationship and in meeting my husband thought I'd found it. He is a warm person who wants me to be happy and looks after me in material and practical ways. I feel grateful and in many ways should be happy with him, but I'm not. We were happy for the first 7 years, bringing the house and garden back to its former glory, me in training and full of optimism, my husband taking early retirement and working part-time for more money than he'd earned full time. Lucky us, I know. Then he developed kidney failure, became impotent and continually over-aroused me in order to try to arouse himself. That triggered my feelings about having been sexually abused as a child and although I tried telling my husband how I felt he wasn't able to alter the way he dealt with his frustration. Then he developed sleep apnoea and I went to sleep in the spare room. My husband has always drunk wine heavily but he responded to his empty bed by becoming an extremely heavy drinker which I found difficult as although he wasn't violent he looked drunk much of the time, stopped interacting in a sociable way and slept much of the time. Then it became apparent that his kidney failure was serious and now he's on end-stage dialysis, end stage meaning he cannot have a transplant so is at the last option which is keeping him alive althugh he does still manage to work part-time. He also has a potentially life threatening aortic aneurism. Additionally he developed hearing loss which is now quite bad and that has affected our relationship more than anything else as it's caused endless misunderstandings and rows. Most of the time he refuses to accept that he mishears and becomes angry at things he thinks I say. Life is hard for him I know which makes it feel really difficult for me to deal with my feelings. The trouble is that I no longer feel any love for him. I reached out for years, felt him reject my attempts to get him to enjoy my company, to spend time with me, instead seeing him become more and more distant, and drunk a lot of the time. Now I just want out and that makes me feel guilty. I probably won't leave him as to do so feels daunting but I find it so depressing to live with someone but spending all day every day speaking to no-one for more than five minutes. I have several friends who live 30 miles away and do see them regularly but have no connections near where we live and don't feel any sense of identity with the local culture. We've tried to sell our house without success due to the recession. My children both live a long distance abroad though I do have a good relationship with them both and talk to them on the phone at times. I'm stuck at home in an area I dislike with no family or friends and a husband who is content to spend the rest of his life with headphones on watching the same tv programmes over and over. I feel like screaming with frustration at feeling my life pass by.
I'm sorry, I just wanted to have a moan, I'm feeling sorry for myself. We do have a nice home, warmth, enough money, good food, four cats and I have reasonable health, so I feel guilty, wonder what am I moaning for when so many people are worse off. Depression is shitty! It makes everything so hard. I just wanted to rage a bit.