I'm a Male in my mid 40s and am in good health with no debts and in a decent job, liked by my manager and colleagues. I have friends and usually go out once a week.
But I have withdrawn from them as I fully intend suicide soon.
I have no Family since my Mother died(we were exceptionally close) and no wife or kids. This was my choice as I've even been proposed to.
I am increasingly unhappy with my Life and have come to see the future as pointless as I will not become that sad old man at the bar nor allow my cognitive abilities to decline.
My life has been a mix of bad choices and bad situations.
Painful to admit but what brought it to a head was a younger woman at work showing interest in me. It was flattering and I was attracted but avoided her so as not to complicate things- working with a partner is difficult and the one time I tried it ended disastrously.
Still, I thought being smitten would fade but it's the opposite- I find myself realising that was my last realistic chance at my age of having a wife and daughter and I regret it even though I know it couldn't work. She has a boyfriend now and I know I would have came second best to him, as ever. I see myself as a sad deluded middle aged man for ever wanting to be her friend. We occasionally talk though we are nervous around each other, which I blame myself for as I hate the idea of making her unhappy or uncomfortable.
Hilariously, people at work comment on my intelligence and 'wisdom' although I feel little of the former and none of the latter.
I feel like a fraud, a misfit, an emotional idiot and frankly just a sad case.
That's really summed up my Life- no win situations that I still managed to make worse.
I have studied suicide and have the method for a peaceful and permanent exit (I have a high IQ and good at research). I have hit the pain threshold and people shoot horses for less agony.
I don't fit in with Life; without my Mother as an anchor I'm adrift in stormy seas I have no way of navigating.
I have given myself a schedule and I truly hope nothing is there after Life. It's simply too much for some of us.
*THANKS* For all those who recently texted:
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I seem to remember you coming on this site before and your Post
All I can suggest is you at least talk to your GP and explain how you are feeling. There is always a way to move on through life. We all become fixated with someone that would not be the right for us and even when we become older there are ways to find someone who we can relate too
Have you tried Dating Agencies, there are ones who Specialise in middle aged couples who need to find that life time partner. Some deal with management and executives, give them a try. You sound like a good catch for a women who needs and enquiring mind.
There are activities you could try like dancing or enrolling in a Gym there are places you could try.
You have a great deal to offer Society and there is bound to be someone who wants someone like you and is suffering looking for that lifetime partner.
Contact Samaritans if you need to talk.
If you need get Help contact NHS HELPLINE ON Tel 111 They will try and help. You can also call 999 if needed and the Police can also help
Hello. It's clear you're exceptionally intelligent. Your thinking however is suspect because if it wasn't you wouldn't be thinking and planning your own death. I don't feel you want to die, because if you did, you wouldn't be posting here ... right?
WHY exactly do you feel like "a fool ... fraud ... failure" because based on what you've written, I'm not seeing it. It is critical that you answer honestly since this to me is where the real issue is ... your perception of self.
EVERYone makes mistakes, misses opportunities and has regrets about life including folks who don't have mental health issues. EVERYone. The trick is to acknowledge them, learn from them and then MOVE on. Life to me is a journey in lessons.
I feel that you would benefit from seeing a good psychologist who can help you make some much-needed cognitive changes to your thinking in terms of how you see yourself. Then, you can work on making practical life changes.
If I could wave a magic wand over your head and give you three wishes, what would they be? In other words, what would it take to make you happy or at the very least, content with life. Suicide does NOT count!!
Please talk to someone about how you're feeling ASAP. You need to off-load. Make an appointment to see a clinical psychologist ASAP. Your concerns are very treatable even if you can't see it at the moment.
This sounds like classic cognitive distortions. "Stinkin thinking" Your work colleagues must have reason to view you as intelligent and wise. Question them why. Why do you think they are wrong and you are correct? Your work friend was clearly attracted to you so you can't be an emotional idiot . You are clearly looking for reasons to reinforce your negative thinking which is a classic depressive behaviour. A friend of mines mother recently got married aged 86. You're in your 40s so very young and a good catch. Dating sites sound an excellent start. Loads of people use them.
You must see a psychologist to work on cbt. Also consider a trial of antidepressants.
Mood gym (google it) should also help
Suicide would be a major error in your thinking. Your mind is not telling you the truth.
First I need to say suicide is never sensible How would you defend that statement ? You are obviously not thinking clearly which is not unusual for a depressed person. I also think you may be misreading the young woman's intentions and your own. You sound desperate because this is your last chance instead of attracted to her for her own qualities. So life ends at 40 ? You are a baby, you have years ahead of you. The best years of my life started after I turned 40, I'm 70 now and just as sassy as ever. You might try doing things for others, and not thinking about yourself so much. Use the awesome intelligence for the good of man, why would you waste it? By the way , you might not want to go around telling people how intelligent you are. People usually find out what you are given time. Pam
ps What would your Mother say if she read your post ?
You're so pragmatic about your dramatic conclusion. Please try to read my answer and don't just dismiss me. If your mother were around she might tell you that people find love in their 80's and 90's, don't give up yet. Finding love won't make you happy. Go serve at the homeless shelter, buy someone's dinner, babysit for someone. Get off of your ass. I'm not the best with humans either but crushing loneliness isn't the answer. There are plenty of singles your age that are nice people.
Visit Idaho. We're nice and the skiing will be good soon. There are lot of nice pragmatic people here.
Life feels so empty when you have had someone in it who is very important to you, and maybe someone who was dominant, in a good or bad way. All I can suggest is that you give it time, try to start doing some little thing you enjoy, or travel a bit. Break out of the routine you are living in if you can, at least for a little while. Do not go looking for a relationship yet, as you cannot replace the one you are mourning. All you do is set yourself up to fail, thereby fulfilling your own expectations. Just try to find a little bit of happiness, one day at a time. If nothing else, remember that your mother did not give birth to you and bring you up all those years for you to throw it away. She may not have been able to push you out of the nest herself when she was alive, because she loved you so much it maybe made her selfish, but now you can become yourself without feeling as if you are letting her down in any way. This will be hard at first as it is not something you have planned or are used to, but better late than never. If it makes you feel any better you are not alone in this, I too am struggling to find my feet again after several losses recently.
I have often thought suicide was the answer but I'm still here and so are you. I'm unhappy and I do get what you're saying and we can definitely think ourselves into believing it's the intelligent logical choice. I don't necessarily think it's a crazy choice but you're not there yet bu far. You're an intelligent man with a good job, no one's beating you, no one's abusing you, you don't have a horrible painful illness, you're not suffering from delusions, You're not homeless or debilitated. You're just sad and bored and that feels awful. People admire you and maybe you don't realize how valuable that is because it's something I don't have. I would never try to diminish your lonelinesd because I'm there. You're ahead of me because that woman was attracted to you and you were attracted back so it could happen again. Worst case scenario, what if that didn't happen again for a year or two? As previously stated you're a man and you have time. I'm sorry you're suffering but it's not as bad as you think. So you messed up, but from the sounds of it you'll have another chance and next time take it. We all have a lot to learn even later in life. Please count your blessings because they seem plentiful. Sometimes it takes folks from the outside looking in. Please let us know how you are doing
One other thought on this. If he had met someone and gotten involved with them, and he still felt this way, it would tie him down and probably make him regret the relationship. Jumping into a relationship whilst still processing your loss nly puts off the evil moment when you have to confront your new reality. At least right now he is free to travel or experiment with his life, without having to either take other people's needs into consideration or break up with them. I only wish I had been strong enough to tell my ex (who had recently split from his wife) this when we met as we spent the next 10 years with him either clinging to me out of pain, or wishing he was free. He was both needy and cruel to me and my daughter. I resented being used as his sticking plaster over his pain, and it did not end well. So be proud of yourself for not rushing in, and stop beating yourself up over what might have been. If it was really meant to happen you would have found a way around the colleague thing. Clearly it was not. Wait for the right person, and in the meantime, appreciate your own good qualities.
Good for me to read these posts as I am very suicidal myself and reading how others are it can help me make sense of my feelings. We all have a choice; suicide is one choice and like you have researched and found the peaceful solution; so I'm with you there but I keep trying as it isn't what I genuinely want and it cannot be what you genuinely want; I wonder if you chose that it in the end, we will never know what happened to people unless they reply on here. If you did then God bless you as I understand and may do the same myself ; it you didn't then God bless you too ; do keep on trying. It's so sad but I understand and we should not have to hide these thoughts or these eventualities on here; they will be some of us who don't survive it all ; it isn't distorted thinking; just very sad lives which we try to fix but sometimes it's just too much. Gemma X Let me know if you're still around even if you're grovelling in the dark ; at least i would know the outcome with you. Well for now anyway.
You are the exact opposite of me but have a similar thought in suicide. I don't and can't find a full time job at 22 almost 23 even though I graduated college with a good gpa and a lot of internship experience, and I have a caring girlfriend and a loving family. I don't have friends though. So funny how we can be total opposites lol. I also have been researching suicide methods that won't damage my body physically so my close ones won't have to be traumatized when they see my body at the funeral. The reason why I'm considering suicide? Because I can't find a full time job. People say I shouldn't be depressed just because I can't find a job yet but without a job you can't eat and therefore you can't live. So instead of going through all the pain of starving to death why not just die peacefully right?
I think if that is the case.....you hate your life and it seems meaningless and pointless......sell up, sell everything and leave. Pick a place on the map and go.....go and find yourself.....go find happiness.....go and find inner peace.
( I prob shouldn't be advising as I'm having a bout of mania)
But.....in essence, what your saying is......your free.
Be free then,I can gaurentee that your life is for a purpose and your wise and intelligent, go and do yourself justice.
Suicide is wasteful and selfish....you may not realise but by taking your own life, you will affect more people than you ever imagined.
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