Hey guys.... I'm new here.
I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST. Please, don't ridicule me for it, I know how long it is and I don't need to know that "you didn't read the whole thing because it was too long and you got bored" (I've heard that before)
If you don't want to read the whole thing, you could read starting where it says "The present" The text above it is some background stuff.
I'm a 16 year old female. I'm gonna give a little back story- so if you don't want to read it, scroll down to where it says "The Present" and just read from there.
I've dealt with anxiety since I can remember- about 8 or 9. I remember missing a lot of school, I remember feeling derealization/depersonalization for the first time in 5th grade and since then- there hasn't been a day I go by without fearing it'll strike back again. Of course it has, 4 times to be exact- where it was so bad I had to go home. It's happened more times that I can count where its bearable, though. It seems everyday I'm out of it, but ive gotten used to it and its not as bad as those times I had to go home. I've also had OCD since then, I remember stuffing scarps of paper in my pockets and getting anxiety if I didn't, I remember touching the school doors until It felt right and I could go to my classroom, I remember opening and closing the fridge and toilet seats, until It felt right. I remember the year I was in 8th grade, where my anxiety and ocd was basically non existent. I don't know how or why that happened. I haven't had as good of a year since then. In fact, that had to be the best year, anxiety wise, since I started school.
The summer of 10th grade. School ended the beginning of june. Just a few days out of school, and on the night of my birthday I might add, I got a really bad panic attack. I was just sitting on the couch, when I got a heart palpitation. I tried to ignore it, but I just kept getting more and more anxious and soon I was fearing for my life, my hand clutched to my heart. I felt pressure on the left side of my chest, some pain, and eventually I woke my mom up and was asking her if I should go to the hospital. She layed down with me, reassuring me it was just a panic attack, all the while this went on for an hour or two. I had the chest pressure/pain, and my face was going numb, and my legs and arms were weak- and I felt some slight depersonalization/derealization. During June and most of july, I now began to worry not on feeling weird as much anymore, but on my heart. I felt pressure and pain a lot, and was always worried I was going to have a heart attack. Come July, and my focus shifted to my brain. I began to get weird head sensations, and was always worried about my head. If I wasn't worried about my head, I was back to worrying about my heart. This caused my OCD to spike up again, and I had to repeat actions until I didn't think of a bad thought, or else it would happen. (The bad thought being something related to me dying by heart attack, or brain tumor, or me having a seizure, etc) I wasn't going out, and still am not, so I became agoraphobic. Of course occasionally I would go out, but no more than 5 times a month. (Since June)
Come mid-end July, I started to not take care of myself as much. I stopped exercising, stopped eating as clean, and was losing sleep. I was worried about my heart/head so while sleeping I kept waking myself up, thinking I was dying. My OCD went through the roof. Everything set it off. I could no longer turn off lights, put objects down, enter rooms, etc without having to redo the action because I kept thinking bad thoughts and feared that if I didn't redo the action and not think the bad thought, it would come true. I began sleeping at like 5 am and waking up at noon. Come the beginning of August, and I was a mess. Everything that I mentioned above, but amplified. I was now sleeping at like 8 or 9 am- and waking up at 2-4 pm. My OCD was manifesting into more of my fears- it was attacking my religion, telling me I would go to hell, and tell me that I was going insane. I still wasn't exercising and my diet only got worse- I think i've gained 2-5 pounds since the beginning of summer.
Come now, and I think I've developed mild depression on top of everything else. My OCD is horrible, my sleeping patters are somewhat worse , going to bed at sometimes 10 am and waking up at 3-5 pm, still not exercising, diet is horrible, and I don't do anything all day, just basically go on my phone. The only good thing through all of this is that the heart/head sensations have stopped being as frequent, only because I'm worried about other things, worse things. My mind is now occupied about suicidal obsessions, or thinking about life, or feeling overwhelmed. Its happening a lot now, it scares me. I feel like I'm going insane. Sometimes I'll be happy, but then immediately get myself down when I realize how bad my life is right now- and its ridiculous because if it wasn't for my thoughts/ anxiety, my life would be great. I truly live a blessed life, and I can't even see that or appreciate it because I'm in fear24/7. I don't know that I want to die, but I don't want to live, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I can ignore the suicidal obsessions (they're more obsessions than thoughts) and have my mind wander onto something else. But recently they're becoming more apparent, and my OCD revolves around them. I have to repeat actions constantly because I'm thinking thoughts about suicide while doing them, and I don't want to kms so of course I have to obey to the OCD and repeat the thoughts until I don't think about it anymore. Of course, this doesn't really work, but when I'm in the moment it scares me, and I have to do the compulsions. I don't want to ignore them and then wake up the next day and have something switch, where I want to kms. I'm terrified.
A few weeks ago, at like 9 am and I had'n't even slept yet, I was thinking about suicide/dying and I for some reason it didn't seem so bad anymore. Of course I got scared, half of my mind was fighting the thought, while the other half was agreeing with it. It's really scary. It happened again tonight. I am so overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions that it somehow doesn't seem so bad anymore. My mind is constantly running that thinking about not having it run around all day seems nice. I don't want to suffer like this anymore. I'm constantly fighting these thoughts. I am snapping at my family now, over the littlest things. I don't like who I've become. I went to therapy last week, but it was my first session so it was more of just background information just so she knows what to help me with. I was prescribed fluoxetine by my doctor , 10 mg a day, once a day, back in June when I went for my high anxiety (mind you I didnt have mild depression then) but I still haven't taken them because I'm scared of the side effects and what they could do to me, plus I don't really understand how it works and that scares me. And of course, on the label, it warns that theres an increased risk of suicidal thoughts/actions in the person who's taking it, and well, you know my OCD. My OCD revolves around the fear of me ever wanting to do it , so of course seeing that on the label freaked me out. I want to take it, because I'm only getting worse, but I am so scared. I have heard so many people say it helped them, but I've heard a lot say that "anti anxiety medications are never the way to go, they cause long term side effects and don't help" blah blah blah. Now I know it won't entirely cure me, if it works at all, but I've heard its like a helper. It helps you rationalize your thoughts and take away the physical symptoms of anxiety, and then that with the help of therapy is highly effective in getting rid of OCD/GAD/ mild depression. Do you think I should try it? I only seem to be getting worse And since my therapist said I should listen to the doctor and at least try it and give it time to kick in, my next appointment is in three weeks. But lately... life is so overwhelming. I don't know how to describe it. It just is. I'll be sitting there and then suddenly have a suicidal obsession, and then something just takes over me and I get all these emotions, hopelessness, sadness, anxiousness, and just feel immediately overwhelmed. I have recently started questioning life, and the universe, etc and it kinda gets my head all clouded and confused. I start feeling out of it again, though not as bad as back in 10th grade, but enough where I freak out and breathe really fast, until I calm myself down a few seconds later and distract myself. I can't help but feel like its because of my OCD, revolvoling around suicidal obsessions, that I feel like this. That I feel like I don't want to die, but don't want to live. I want to be happy. I remember that feeling, back in 8th grade. Never did suicide EVER cross my mind until this month/last month, and it scares the heck out of me. Of course I don't want to do it. Everything tells me not to, everything in me is against it. But MY MIND IS SO CLOUDED BY WHO KNOWS WHAT- ANXIETY, HIGH STRESS, POOR DIET, NO EXERCISE, LACK OF SLEEP/HORRIBLE SLEEPING PATTERNS, OCD, ETC THAT I CAN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT I HAVE NO REASON TO WANT TO. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. I am hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I think about living, and I get dread. Overwhelmingness. Even living seems overwhelming to me. I am not smiling like I used to, I'm getting annoyed by my family who was never annoying to me before, and if I laugh or smile at something my family says or does- its forced and fake. I stopped sleeping in my room for a little because my OCD says that if I do, I'll become suicidla. And of course i'm scared out of my wits of that happening, so I obey the thoughts. I'm sorry. I know its stupid, but I just can't afford to take the chance of that actually coming true.
Please help me. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. I am doing online school because of all this, and it starts monday, and I've got to go to an orientation thing next week and my anxiety about going out is kicking back up again. I've been inside my house for so long that I feel like I am going insane. I feel like a crazy person, that something is seriously wrong with me.
I ask that you please please help me understand just how bad eating horribly, not exercising, and not getting sleep/staying up all night and sleeping all day is bad for me. I see it, but my mind is so clouded that I seriously don't think by changing these things ill feel any better. Its like the real me is trapped inside my soul, and my anxiety, depression, and fear live my life. I feel happy sometimes, but it goes away when I think of the current state I'm in. I'm on my phone constantly because its one of the the only thing that distracts me and makes me happy sometimes. When I do go out and talk to people, I'm normal. You wouldn't know I'm dealing with all of this, I hide it pretty well. It's only when Im at home and left with my thoughts that the other side of me comes out.
I need to know what you think I should do from here. Try my meds? Exercise? Eat healthy? Go to bed and wake up at a reasonable time? All of the above? Something else? I think I need someone there for me, to tell me everything gonna be okay and reassure me that this is all just because of high anxiety and my teenage hormones, lack of serotonin, staying inside all day with my thoughts, lack of exercise/ healthy diet/ adequate sleep etc thats causing all this.But I can't help but feel its because of something else. These overwhelming negative thoughts about sc/ and feeling like I'm stuck like this are making everything so much worse. I want to love life. And why did I not have a lot of anxiety/ocd that one year in eighth grade? How can I get there again? Why did I only have one year where I felt normal? I want to be happy again. I don't know how I hit rock bottom, but I did, and I hit it hard.
P.S. It's very late at night. When I wake up tomorrow I'll probably realize how ridiculous I was for writing all this. Like I said, sometimes I'll be more rationalized and a bit cocky, and think "I'm fine. I don't need a therapist, I don't need meds, I don't need to write a post online for help, cause I'm gonna be okay" . So then I don't try and help myself. But of course this doesn't last, so then I go through this cycle of feeling hopeful, happy, and optimistic, to depressed, overwhelmed, and just tired of living. It's not super highs and super lows, It's more of me just bashing myself whenever I'm happy somewhat, and then getting sad. And that brings on the overwhelming negative thoughts. I realize I must sound absolutely insane to everyone reading this, and I could have written this more neatly, this was basically me just my thoughts rambling, and me trying to type them out as fast as I can. So if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask to better understand something/get more information.