heart broken depressed and torturing myself

hi, I am writing at the lowest moment of my life right now. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety roughly about 8 months ago now and this did not really seem to affect any other area of my life apart from with my partner of a year and a half. my mum and dad split up around this time which I never expected to happen, as my mum left for another man. my boyfriend then at the time decided to move in with me at my home with my dad as support. I'm not sure if this is really linked to how I have been feeling but I will put it out there. around about the same time, I began to doubt my partner a lot, I used to question him about girls from the past, and literally saw these attractive girls as a threat. As far as I am aware, my partner didn't physically cheat on me, although his ex did at the start message me saying he slept with her whilst we was together, but he insists she was bitter, but I have discovered in the past that he spoke to girls that he insisted and promised he never spoke to and hid the conversations from me. Two girls of which he had slept with before, and one was a random girl with whom he told was "fit" and wanted to meet up with her. From him lying about these things it made me think well what if he is lying about other things? so it made me question him, get anxious if he said he was going to town with his mates, question his review of encounters that he said he had with girls etc incase he was missing parts out. So, for a long time these feelings have been having a massive toll on me and made me feel miserable a lot. I kept questioning thinking that the answer to the question would give me relief, but it was only ever short term and I would have to ask him something else for the reassurance.

Anyway, a few days ago, I had been thinking about my doubts and I thought to myself, that they have really come from his ex making an accusation about him because it hurt me a lot. So, as it was a year or so later, and I had been suffering considerably, I asked my partner if he could perhaps try and be civil with her as they ended on bad terms and ask her to admit that what she said to me was out of anger and hurt, not out of truth. he refused as he said he didn't want to drag her up into our lives and said if I messaged her then that's it we would be over. but because the thought was in my head I couldn't for the life of me let it go, I was thinking "why wont he ask her?" "whats he hiding?" and it lead to me asking her myself. turns out she is still a very bitter woman and very immature and nasty, however she still stuck to her statement that it was true. But me seeing for myself how much of a nasty piece of work she was made me realise I was perhaps being too hasty listening to what she was saying to me. Anyway, he found out I asked her and came and got his stuff from mine and insisted we was over, as I was fighting for him back and saying I didn't want to give up on him, as in my head I felt a lot better and thought we could work even though her accusation remained the same, I could see her true colours.

But the next day, he was saying to me "why did you have to ask her?" and things like that and I said because he gave me a doubt, and because he has lied to me before about things that I know are true. For example at the start, he showed me a few of these girls photos and facebook accounts and told me had slept with them, which I believed because before he met me he used to sleep around in his younger days, anyway later on in the relationship I said something about them and he would deny ever telling me he had slept wth them? saying I was making it up in my head and I was lying when I genuinely wasn't. So, I said that to him as my reason for doubting him as he either lied back then or is lying to me now. and he replied back like "ive slept with all of them apart from one" and hurling abuse at me. So obviously I was upset because that meant he had lied to me since and made out I was mad and making stuff up for no reason, and then later on in the conversation he said he didn't actually sleep with them he just said it to wind me up? when all it did was mess with my feelings and create new doubts in my head of him lying. So, I got home that night and he had left his ipad at mine still and his facebook was open, so I decided to look on it and I found in the space of a day, he had added girls, messaged a girl he said he had no interest in speaking to when we was together, messaged a girl he used to baby sit a long time ago, was liking slaggy photos of girls and liking beggy girls statuses like "whos up? message me". I just never in a million years thought that in the space of a day he would do stupid things like that which makes it look like his first instinct was to talk to other girls and get attention whilst I was crying all day upset. Also, this girl he used to baby sit I saw on his activity log that he looked her up on facebook like 10 times in the past 3 weeks, even though he could only see her photos as they were not facebook friends and the second we split he added her? It just hurt me so much because he knows I don't like it and he didn't care and did it anyway, probably thinking I wouldn't find out to be fair. I confronted him and was so upset as I wanted to give it a go a few days ago and now this has happened its like replanted doubts and suspicions in my head. he did not have to do that to me at all. And now Im miserable because I thought we could try again and hes begging me to trust him and try again and that he loves me and doesn't want to be without me, but its like hes played with my feelings and messed with my head :( so now im in a horrible situation where ive either got to move on and forget about him and be heart broken that hes going to find someone else and it couldn't of been me, or get back with him and maybe feel low like I did from doubting him? I don't know im so confused and so down about it :( but all it showed him messaging these people is that he is quick to start thinking about randomly messaging other girls in a quite flirty manner. :(

What do I do? its heart breaking thinking of life without him because I am so in love with him and I cant stop thinking of the good times we had but at the same time Im scared he will lie about messaging girls and seeing how quick he was to do that its made me overwhelmingly upset :(

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  • Hi there and I am really sorry you are going through such a low and unsettled time. It must have been a real shock in the first place what happened with you mum and now your insecurity over your partner and all that has led to.

    It is really difficult to say for example whether or not he is a cheater or whether or not your insecurity has got out of hand. I do feel that no matter what is the truth of it it is true to say that your trust in him has gone and therefore I think that any future for you two together would be very difficult . This probably isn't what you want to hear and you say you love him but longlasting true love involves trust on both sides.

    I can't go into the ins and outs of the facebook thing except to say that maybe you are both young and maybe he is reacting to you and you are reacting to him. I don't know if you have heard about what they call "attachment styles". There are supposed to be three types. One is "normal", one is "anxious" and one is "avoidant". I would say you have an "anxious" attachment style ( so do I at heart but I try and fight it all the time and rationalise). This means that you need reassurance and have a certain amount of anxiety about yourself. It can make you vulnerable and particularly where there is maybe an element of immaturity either in years or behaviour involved. I do note however that you are only 21 and can hardly be expected to be as mature as say a 50 year old.

    It doesn't feel like it now but I would say take a break from your relationship and build up your own self esteem. Of course depression will have an impact on your relationships and you need to get yourself as well as you can. Are you on medication and have you access to any counselling at all? If you are at college then there would be a counsellor there but I don't know if you are at work or at college.

    Really sorry you are hurting so much. This thing will probably play out for a bit longer as I have a feeling you are rather unsure and somewhat clinging onto the idea that you would like it to work. That may mean you keep trying for a bit longer but to be honest from an outsiders point of view once the trust is broken that is it. Take time for you, find some hobbies you enjoy, have some nights out with the girls, go to the cinema etc. Take care of you.

    Gemma xXXx

  • Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this all. It must have been tough for you to deal with your Mum and Dad splitting up and then to start feeling like you weren't sure if you could trust your boyfriend. It's hard to say if he has or hasn't cheated. I lost the trust in my husband when I became ill and things just felt to me like he's been seeing someone else. He of course denied it, but when he decided the best option for us was to move out for a few months and told me he was moving in to a house with a woman who'd just split from her husband I just lost it and told him we were through. Up to the day he left he still though that was acceptable, even although he had plenty of other places to go and stay.

    So all I can tell you is that when you loose that trust it's really tough to get it back and no matter how many good times you've had or how much love you still feel for the other person sometimes it's better to let them go, because you'll always be wondering if you can trust them.

    For me I found that concentrating on getting better and improving my skills to allow me to be less stressed, anxious and also to be control those awful thoughts you get worked for me. I worked with a psychologist, my doctor and have done CBT courses and attended stress management classes as well.

    Look for the catch 22 posting that was made this week. You might find the video helpful. See what help you can get in your area as well as there might be groups or courses you can do to help you feel better about yourself.

    Definitely concentrate on yourself, and dealing with your parents splitting up. Then when you are ready you can start looking for another partner. Don't rush and trust in your instincts and yourself.

    Hope this helps.

    Take care.

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