on the surface i am a happy married woman with a good job. i have depression and am unable to connect with most people enough to feel cared about, because i find it too difficult to appear vulnerable (apart from with my husband), but secretly i long to be worried about by my family and close friends. My depression stems from my childhood and a difficult relationship with my single mother who is extremely isolated, needy and unaware of how lonely she makes me feel. I have a lot of pent up anger and on rare occaions in the middle of an argument i go beserk. The feeling is like the sad realisation that nothing will ever change, she will never understand how much i hurt so what is the point of anything? and i scream repeatedly, throw myself on the floor, bang my head repeatedly on the floor, repeatedly hit myself on the head, all whilst screaming. I am 33. I am not an angry or violent person. I can only describe this as anguish at having my heart repeatedly broken by needing something, a warmth or compassion, but those needs not being met, again and again.
i am seeing a therapist about my depression and my relationship with my mother and it helps. But, i am scared and ashamed about what the physical rage/tantrums/attacks. This has happened to me maybe 4-5 times in my adult life and I am scared that it will keep happening. Just recalling the episode makes me weep because i'm scared and worried about myself. what is it? I can understand what triggers it, but why to such a degree - what can I do to stop it happening again, or getting worse?