Just need to tell someone

so il start from the beginning

a couple years ago my family went to the beach and pictures were taken of me without a shirt on i thought nothing of it at the time but i kept thinking i was fat and last year around September i thought i would do something about it so i tried to work out but i failed at that and i just thought to myself i cant go to school like this so i started skipping breakfast for a week i had this intense pain in my belly hunger pains but they went as my body got used to skipping breakfast and i just kept thinking i wont be fat if i dont eat as much so i started skipping lunch and only eating on a night time having a can of coke to tide me over until then i started drinking alot of pop until the point i was pissed off if i didnt have at least 1 a day because after skipping food coke became the next thing i was having 3 cans a day and sometimes skipping food on a night this became a addiction and my family didnt know i was skipping food but knew i was addicted to coke because id get really cranky and angry if i didnt have one and it got to the point of me drinking a can when i woke up a couple through the day and one before bed i did this for weeks skipping nearly all my food i could until at school around lunch and end of the day my hunger pains came back and they got worst i was bending over in pain and sometimes id let out a noise but i just said i didnt have breakfast if someone asked what was wrong i stopped going out and started staying off school so my attendance got really bad and i fell behind i was in my room 24/7 not even seeing my family most days my mum started noticing i was "thinner" and i was in pain in the car after school until around December when they realized i wasnt eating and they became like angry at me and i was basically bullied into eating again and yh it might of worked for some time until late January i started to panic when i was around people i stopped going into shops i could not even order my own food the way i looked started to really hold me back id go to school and not even concentrate because someone would of looked at me even if it was only for 2mins id spend the next 30 mins worried about what they looked at i decided to try to kill myself in January i was in my room and i was crying i didnt want my family to find me cut open or anything so i went with a bag on my head as i went to sleep but as i laid there trying to sleep my mind kept racing of how could i do this to my family my mum would find me like this and i took the bag off at school around the time i decided to do it leading up to it i thought i dont care im going to be dead anyway and i still do it now when people look at me and say something like you cant live off benefits all your life or what do you want to do when your older i think straight away i want to be dead by then anyway so after that in january i just started to just speed away the days if i went to school id come home go in my room if i didnt id be in there all day and my mocks came around and to everyone's surprise i did not get all Us i got good grades for the fact i wasnt there and the rest of my classes some even got lower then me i spent all the holidays in my room and i was eating fine i was no longer starving myself i was laying off pop but as soon as i got in school i wanted to kill myself again i hated the way i look again and i started skipping meals i have 1 meal a day now and ive been doing it all again since september without the pop part and i feel fatter then i was before but my arms are disgustingly thin i look in the mirror and i hate it looking at me sometimes in the car i get pissed off by looking at myself and my mum closes the mirror thing not one of my family know how i feel or even my friends for that its november and i feel like this will just be the same circle but what if i dont stop myself next time i want to kill myself and i dont know if i really would even want to because from my point of view if i did it in january i wouldnt of lived another year and yet in that year not 1 thing has changed i still hide the way i really feel my mum has been fined for my absents and i still have 0 motivation to do well i have more mocks coming up in a week and i dont even want to do them my 16 birthday came around and nothing special happened i dont have a gf and i wouldnt even say yes if the fittest girl in the world asked me out becuase how could she like something i cant even look at for extednded amount of times im still really shy so i cant start talking to someone if they dont talk to me first my father was never around and im just alone to handle all these feelings also i dont cut myself i tried but i couldnt do that either if im not strong enough to cut myself i dont know why i thought i could take my own life sometimes when i see that someone my age died i feel like if i died instead of them the world would be better

i just wanted to tell someone

3 Replies

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  • Understand it's not all about how your look. THOSE will fade anyway! OMG..you have to enjoy youth why you have it. Enjoy being able to see, enjoy being able to walk with no pain. Please, turn off your TV more / dump all mags if you have to and try not to compare yourself to others. What you see in the media is not real. I promise you NO PERSON / TOP MODEL was ever good enough when I photographed them for 10 years. It's all BS. I had to retouch all of them and these were stunning people. Save yourself the pain and just walk away from all this look stuff. You will never win. Enjoy your youth please! Most adults would LOVE to have your skin.

  • Hi you need to seek help. Do you have a school counsellor you could talk to? If not you need to see a doctor asap. Now some facts:

    1. You can not go without food otherwise you will die. You will at least do permanent harm to your body which would make your life much worse and will shorten your life.

    2. If you starve yourself your metabalism slows right down in order to hold on to calories so even if you eat very little you will not lose weight. That is a fact.

    3. The only way to lose weight long term is to eat healthier and 3 times a day. Otherwise you will give yourself ulcers or even worse.

    Anorexia is a very serious eating disorder which is unfortunately quite common especially in teenagers. It is a mental health issue because you still see yourself as fat even if you are thin. You must seek help now to stop it becoming a life long dangerous habit. You are playing a very dangerous game and gambling with your health and life. You won't die quickly with it but you will suffer painfully for a long time first. Do you want that? No of course you don't.

    You must tell your parents how you feel and you must see a professional for treatment. You can be cured but it will take time. You are worth it you know even though you don't feel as though you are.

    Please don't be one of the awful cases we hear about all the time or join the increasing number of young people with serious eating disorders. You need to nip this in the bud now before it gets any worse.

    Ok I know you won't remember her but google Karen Carpenter, the singer and read her story. She had anorexia and eventually it killed her at a young age. Take action and do something now please.

    Let me know when you have please coz I will worry about you until I hear. I care about you and want you to be well and happy. Ok? xx

  • Hi

    You have been through so many tough times and have managed much of it on your own.

    I think you are really brave to post here and you need to hang onto that and keep looking for support.

    You are not alone in having problems with weight. I worked in a school where this illness was common until people started recognising it as an illness and help became available.

    Family and friends can find it hard to offer support and understanding when they don't know what you are going through.

    If it is difficult to talk to them, find another person to share your concerns with.

    There are people out there ready to help if you get in touch.

    It does not have to be face to face.

    I have included a link below that may help you find out more.

    youngminds.org.uk/

    You have taken a big step in posting here.

    keep going and find more ways to get more support with your fears and health.

    Try to talk with your family or write a letter, show them this post perhaps if you can.

    Talk to a doctor or contact a helpline if that is easier.

    Post again here if it helps.

    Lots of people would be devastated if you hurt yourself but you may not realise that at the moment with all of your concerns

    Take care

    Dave

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