I am 19 and i fear for myself, i am honestly scared of what i could do to myself. i struggle to realise what emotions are real or fake? Because i can sit there with friends and laugh my heart out and then the laughter stops and i feel nothing no happiness, no joy and it just feels fake.
i am a waiter in a very famous business and there is another point where i appear the happy fool that would please anyone just to see them smile, but the pressure on the side is driving me crazy there where people in that place that i called friends and now suddenly i feel so alone and i cant figure out whether i am doing something wrong or it is them so i put on a smile and act that happy fool and they laugh along with me is it real or fake?
i have had a bad couple of months with my job and everyone riding me, my dad is being investigated for cancer and my grandad just died and not all these things happen before i broke down next to a canal and just cried for hours my parents (mum and step dad) had to pick me up and bless them they were so scared they kept me on the phone till they found me but i couldn't stop crying i just didn't know what i was doing and i couldnt process anything i didnt tell them what was wrong over the phone i just cried i didnt get home (because i dont live with my parents) till nearly 3 and i was still always on the verge of tears till i finally fell asleep. i got up the next morning and i had a panicked phone call from my dad saying:alisdair are you okay i dont know what you were saying over the phone but i know you were crying please call me. i called back straight away and just about explained what was going on through loads of tears my dad who has bipolar assured me that i would be okay and that he wasnt going to let this happen to me as well. i got to work and i avoided eye contact because i knew i would just burst into tears if i didnt i tried to get on with my job but my house mate engaged me in conversation and i started to break and he just looked at me patted me on the shoulder and said it was going to be okay. after that i cut myself because i just needed to sleep it worked but thankfully i havent brought myself to do it again. although it has crossed my mind several times.
my girlfriend i praise her so much we havent been together long but i had to explain i had a breakdown and i tried to break up with her because i thought it was better for her to stay away from me but she just said i am not giving up on you, you dont have to fight this alone but something inside tells me i have to. and there is my young friend charlotte a girl that has seen too much of the world for her age and just reiterates that she is there for me regardless as everyone does, but i am still struggling trusting people many people have lied to protect me in life until they realised i didnt want protecting i wanted the pain and truth so everyone was scared of how they couldnt hurt me and i have made it just a bit too effective because now i dont trust the mother and father that brought me into this world and i just dont feel anything no guilt no hate nothing just the pain i feel inside the pain that anything could happen to any of them and i would struggle to care that scares me so much. am i real or fake?