Tonight I won against anxiety

Soon I will be working even more daily spilt shifts at work. Yesterday night my boyfriend stayed for 3 hours before rushing home to his house cat. But we had a lovely night. Sincerely it was so lovely it made me remember how we first fell in love. How we could make each other laugh and smile - like no one else had ever could. One of those times spent together where you feel like you are the only two people in the world and time doesn't exist... Until the clock struck 1am and he had to get home ASAP as his cat didn't get its night treaties as per scheduled at 11pm.

I am partly speaking in jest but sadly not really. So he came over yesterday at 10:00pm picking me up from work. Knowing tonight I have the whole evening off! But I am pleased with myself for just accepting it. Before I had made a post about wanting to down the whiskey I have in the cupboard- but resisted by writing a post on here instead. And tonight instead of carrying on with house chores and feeling poorly about myself- I made myself comfy with a blanket and pillows and my iPad. And am considering splurging on a bottle of expensive perfume I really want to buy for me. So tonight I am winning over my anxiety and depression uncharacteristicly well.👏🏻😋

My boyfriend rang me to say he burnt his hand severely on the Barbeque with his mom. It was something to do with potatoes and shrimp- and a small rant against aquaculture and killing natural predators of shrimp in 3rd world countries. But it ended with him picking up a metal grill already heated by the gas Barbeque. I really feel bad for him. He won't go to the hospital even though he says himself especially his thumb received a very bad burn. If you knew him you know it must be bad for him to admit that. He is a diabetic and once fell asleep at a camp fire with his friends and burnt his boot and most of his heel off his foot.

I am kinda lonely I suppose. But happy I had a peaceful night and was able to relax a bit. I really never pictured life like this. Part of me feels very lame and pathetic to take such pleasure in making it threw this one evening without anxiety. But still I guess a victory is still a victory.

My partner takes care of helping me get to the shops to buy groceries and always is there if I ask him to go the doctor with me. But I just don't get why other than when he comes over here which nearly 100% ends in you know what- after three years he still doesn't want to hang out with me or spent time just relaxing and keeping company for each other. He always goes home to his huge flat screen television, his telephone, his mom and his cat. He said to me just today how he loves to come over to my home and how peaceful and quiet it is. But I am here now and he is not.

20 Replies

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  • Well done for beating anxiety tonight and resisting the alcohol.

  • Thank-you.❤️ I sounds lame perhaps but I don't think anyone wakes up the next morning wishing they had a drink the previous night! It is depressioning and lonely but at least no anxiety or tears.

  • i wake up in the morning thinking 'i will get my compulsive spending under control' im addicted to facebook games and keep loosing track of how much ive spent.

  • That is dangerous for your finances! Maybe speak to someone about it, your GP can refer you.x

  • To be very honest I knew from when I was a child how addictive games can be to me- so that why I never played a FB game. Maybe it is in the same field of addiction you can't just cut back on for me because I just know once I start to play that is all I will do!

    There is one thing you could try- and that is but the FB game pre-paid cards and the store. Then you would know exactly how much you were spending as you card would run out.

  • Great idea thanks

  • Hi, well done for the positivity shown I do worry though that your boyfriend is a Jerk and you could do so much better?! Why are you accepting him as your lot in life'? Is it better than being alone? X

  • I have been with boyfriends before that are intentionally mean or intentionally inconsiderate. However my present partner really has no idea when he lets me down. Somehow it makes it easier. At times he will apologize when I speak up- other times no. In a way I am already alone - physically about 5 or sometimes 6 and even in rarer times over a week alone. But he rings me a lot. He has close relationships with his male friends and they go out to eat and nights out sometimes. I honestly don't mind because I don't like going out in a group of people and I don't like bars at all. But I do wonder how a group of nearly all single guys socialize sometimes. My partner is a diabetic and doesn't drink at all- so he is the designated driver. I just can't get my head around why you wouldn't spend idle time with your partner for the sake of being with them! Him sat in his home and me sitting here doesn't make sense when we are both free on the same evening. I used to have partners that more often than not did spend causal time just hanging out and just being company for each other. However my partner is not like that. He lives about 25 minutes drive away from me and I don't have a car. It is inconvenient for everyone for me to go his home because I have to work early every morning and he would have to get up and take me in to town. But deep down I know from previous partners that it would be worth it to some of them. I remember one night the bell stuck 11pm and he said he has to hurry home because he didn't want to leave his mother and cat alone on their house past 11pm. And I thought to myself I am alone in my hom every night and see him normally one evening a week. Sometimes it feels like he is married to that cat and I am the mistress. He often says if anyone did anything to his cat he would kill them. And realistically no one ever would try to hurt his cat. I don't know maybe someone who is almost 47 and always lived at home with no children - is going to develop a bit of an unnatural attachment to their pet. The cat bites and scratches him too. The cats I grew up with were much more friendly and never would be aggressive. I have pets of my own whom he enjoys very much. I call him the 'Dad' of my pets. And he calls me the 'Aunt' of his cat and his mother is the grandmother to the cat. When I was younger I would of fought for more attention and put my foot down. But know it don't bother. If I am super upset I will wait until I am calm and have a discussion about it. One of our latest fights was over me telling him he cancelled dates with me 6 evenings and 2 afternoons in a row. And he was made at me for counting.... He is a busy person - which is true. I am mean everyone is busy these days. I am from a very broken family and honest to goodness this is my first relationship I ever had that my partner was never abusive to me. We have been together almost 3 years and he never even had a slight abusive treatment towards me. He also he never calls me names. All my previous partners yelled and swore and hit me. Threatened me- put me down, intentionally try to make me jealous. And my present partner never does any of those things. He is the only friend I have and he is my only family. The difference is he has a lot of friends and family. So I notice being without him a lot more than he does without me.

  • Hi

    I feel very sad reading your story but thank you for sharing it. What I write may sound harsh but I will be honest in my responses.

    It sounds as if both you and your boyfriend are very lonely and both struggle with forming intimate relationships. You sound very dependant upon the pleasure you get from feeling wanted and loved by your boyfriend and he sounds very tied to his life with his mother and cat. Are you able to talk with him about how you both feel?

    You do not say whether you have any other relationships in your life and I am wondering whether you live alone or with any family. You describe your boyfriend as being your partner but it sounds as if the only way in which he offers you a partnership is sexually. I imagine he has feelings for you but is very scared of any deeper more meaningful relationship of the kind that is really being a boyfriend and going out and about with a girlfriend. I wonder whether you also have difficulties with experiencing that kind of relationship?

    I suggest you try talking with your boyfriend and being honest with him about how you are feeling as that is the only basis for any real relationship - if you do not feel able to share your feelings with him then you are allowing yourself to be used by him, however unintentionally, as a sexual object. Maybe you are using one another - for comfort?

    I do not know how old you are but it is very sad to allow so much of your life to pass by with so little day to day happiness, waiting for brief times when you are together. I do not know whether your boyfriend is the same kind of age, or older. If he is a similar age to you it is sad that he is unable to live a fuller life, if he is much older than you it is even sadder but suggests a more worrying and abusive relationship exists between the two of you.

    You do not say whether you have friends but from what you write I imagine you feel very lonely. Perhaps that feeling of loneliness and of needing to feel loved - even if only for brief periods - is the result of earlier experiences in your life.

    I think it would be good for you to ask your GP to refer you to see a counsellor or psychotherapist where you can begin to understand what is making you continue to want a relationship that offers you so little comfort, one that is only available for very short periods and even then involves sex. You can be helped to understand yourself better and in that process you may be able to help your boyfriend to understand why he continues to turn to you for brief periods only to have to return to his mum and cat. Perhaps he might be enabled to talk with someone about that, with your encouragement he might even be persuaded to talk himself with a counsellor. You are obviously very fond of him and it would be good for him as well as you if you could help him to form a more satisfying relationship with you.

    Suexx

  • Thank-you for your kind and thoughtful reply. ❤️ I was writing my response to another post on my question when your message also was posted. I covered more details about our ages and my history of relationships and having no family or friends of my own. I find I am only sleeping 4 hours a night and it is something I need to change! I always loose weight when I go through long periods of insomnia. Even though I do tend to snack when I can't sleep.

    There was a nice man at work today that I knew for 6 months or so. And he was telling me today out of no where it seems that he believes he is an angel and has pychic abilities and all sort of stuff like that. And apparently my boss's wife said she saw his aura and talked about Achangels and bright lights and whatnot. It make me feel restless somehow listening to all of this. I think would be worried I was suffering from schizophrenia like my poor deceased aunt did thinking those types of things. But some people seem to just to believe what that they do. I don't believe in this type of talk- but it make me restless because what if he or my boss's wife imagine something about me and then it will be something else to add to my plate of stress at work. A person can dream about anything and it doesn't have to b a message from God or have any meaning at all. But to some people it somehow really does. I think this paragraph should be a seperate post! It is 4am again and I have to be up in four more hours. I am not even tired.

    In my previous relationships - I had three others in my 41 years- going to sleep beside my partner was the most favourite thing of my day- and what I looked forward to so much. And in 3 years my present partner never stayed the night with me. I just kind of got used to it. But when I had that structure of being in my former relationships I enjoyed my life more. But I know that is something I should just be doing on my own.

    Sincerely thank-you for your reply. It makes me feel stronger to know there is kind people out there. I try to reply often to posts on HU too because being part of this community really is healing and comforting.❤️

  • Hi

    Thank you for the further information about your situation, that helps me to understand more.

    Firstly try to ditch the idea of people having psychic abilities and being able to imagine things about you - we ALL imagine things about other people but that does not give any of us special powers. Ignore their problems and leave them to deal with them. You do not have schizophrenia, but like most people who have grown up in a broken family you are very vulnerable to what people might think of you - and that is a normal response.

    You say all your previous relationships have been abusive - well done for removing yourself from them and now being in a relationship where you are not put down or hit. That must have taken strength and shows you have made progress!

    Your boyfriend is not intentionally hurting you or abusing you that is is clear, but at the moment he is not able to offer you the kind of relationship you would really want. I wonder how that feels for you, I imagine it leaves you feeling sad and perhaps somewhat despairing.

    I do think it would help you to be referred for counselling, or better still for psychotherapy. You might say to your GP that you have a history of abusive relationships but continue to struggle with intimacy and would like to explore that with a psychotherapist. Probably because of the cuts to services your GP will only refer you for CBT - I do not think that will offer you any long term help but if you are prepared to give it a go then when it is not successful you can return and ask to be referred to the secondary service that can offer psychotherapy. You need to discover why you are still choosing to form relationships with people who use and abuse you rather than offer you a committed loving relationship.

    Suexx

  • Thank-you Sue.❤️ I personally do not believe in the new age kind of mind set. But I will try to explain where I think my stress,of this comes from. I was abused as a young person and the abuser threatened to tell my parents lies about me if I ever told on him. And it is the most pathetic thing in the world to be worried about lies someone may tell about you as a threat. It literally is a child's way of thinking.

    And listening to this talk at work today made me feel vulnerable of them dreaming something up about me that I will somehow end up being accountable for. Nothing I actually did or true- but in their own heads they might perceive my personality has having some weird aura or whatnot- and although I do not believe in any of it - if they do then there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. However I think they do like me. But anyone can dream anything- just people like that believe that there is message. Not that theirs is my perception - but there perception is the one that affects me most in my workplace. I probably did not do a good job of explaining it. I know if they said I robbed a bank- clearly facts would prove I never did such a thing. But when you are vulnerable to people in authority in your work place- if they dream or conjure up any notion - then that is what they will believe. And of course no on ever said I robbed a bank or anything bad. I just have a thing inside me that feels vulnerable to people making up stories about me as a threat.

  • Thanks for sharing more info with me, makes a lot of sense. I was also abused and had to learn it wasn't my fault - although rationally of course I knew already! xx

  • I still bargin around in my head what I could of done differently. Atleast now I see the behaviours of sex totally seperate from abuse to consent. I messed up relationships with crying and PTSD things after relations. my boyfriend has some things that I wish were different but this is my first relationship ever I felt loved and enjoyed intimacy. This is huge for me because there was a time I would feel my skin crawl and could never feel clean no matter how much I showered. Sometimes I get insercure thinking of how my boyfriend had partners in the past that must of enjoyed being with him as much as me. But he says himself about our connection being special. I had a life time of eating disorders and exercise a lot. So I have a physique that is very small but I am strong too. He often tells me how much he loves my figure. Which ever lady likes to hear - but secretly it sometimes motivates me keep exercising stronger. I am 5'5" and 95 pounds. But I like to be 92. I was 88 for years but found I had no energy. My worse was 78 pounds. I really don't know how I didn't die back then. I was addicted to seeing my bones stick out further. My skin on my hips used to sink deeply down like a skateboard park.

  • Hi,

    Does your bf think he is in a relationship, or does he think it is FWB? For it to be a real relationship you both need to want it.

    My other question is, does he have anxiety about staying away from home at night, or about something bad happening to his home? I suppose if he goes home by 11pm when out with his mates then he may well. If not, what is he going home for? What happens at 11pm? Is he prepared to discuss this and if help is available would he accept it so as to be more available for this relationship?

    If you ask these questions and are ok with the real answers then I guess that's ok. If not, then is this guy stopping you from maybe meeting someone who is ready to commit? If so, is that ok with you. I mean maybe you prefer half a relationship to the risk of getting involved with another abuser. I can understand that. Whatever the truth here, you owe it to yourself to find out what is going on, and whatever you decide thereafter is up to you. No-one else has the right to tell you how to live your life.

  • Thank-you for your reply.❤️ He actually says out super late with his mates. 2am to even later! But he has a thing he always calls me when he gets home. Which I like very much even if it is at 2am. Once he left here at 11pm and saw his friends out walking on the sidewalk - so he joined them and rang me at 1am saying how they went out for food, etc. that upset me- but I didn't ruffle his feathers over this.

    Yes he does have anxiety about foxes and raccoons but has no poultry or anything other than that indoor cat that he is worried about getting eaten or rabies, etc. He often says he will need to be in a hospital to cope with loosing that cat. It is 7 now.

    Every time he cancelled our dates or has to vacation in Flordia - he always says he is not going any where and we'll always be together. He has said the only three things he cares about is his mother, that cat and me. So atleast I am apart of his heart's elite😋 another big thing he does like no other is attends my doctors appointments when I ask him and he truly knows how emotionally scared I am. He says no one will ever hurt me again and since I have been with him my coworkers do treat me different. He is a very tall strong person- 6'5" and has a quiet but big presence. He knows all the bad things about me- sex abuse, how I was married and divorced when my then husband admitted to being a child sex offender my alcoholic and violent family, eating disorders, OCD - my medications - everything. And he still wants to be with me.

  • Hi Aspen first of all I want to say how nice it is that you can treat yourself and know you deserve it. And you do. I agree with Sue on your bf - he sounds like a mummys boy who has never found the courage to cut the apron strings and he probably never will now. He is never going to be anyones partner - just a friend with benefits. If you are happy with this then fine but if you are looking for a proper relationship then maybe keeping seeing this man is stopping you finding it? It all depends on what you are looking for.

    This man can only relate to women on a purely sexual level and has no idea how to be 'friends' with a woman as well and building a proper normal relationship with one. He sees his mates for that. But like I said it depends on what you want doesn't it? x

  • I'm happy for you aspen xx keep your head up :)

  • Thank-you for your reply. I honestly never thought of how his 'proper normal relationships' are with his mates and I am slotted in another category. But I think you are right. The friendship I have with him is all encompassing. And his friendship with me is more 'specfic'. I like his mates but what I don't like about them dives into a waters I need to leave uncharted. They used to go on wild vacations and have a lot of history like that together. I always thought he liked to be off alone with them so they can talk slag about women past and present. I just don't have an interest is talking about that kind of thing with other women. I heard some of their stories about sleeping with flight attendants over stop over flights and having sex with the hotel maid giving her a 'big tip' and it all makes me a bit nauseous. My past with men is pretty much all dark. I don't have any times I feel like boosting about for sure. After three years I think it is a normal progression to start building a life together. He says often he stays in his parents house for that mangy cat. He said if he ever won the lotto he would want to set up a trust fund for it. I love animals but really don't get the appeal of that unpleasant cat who scratches and bites even him. Once I was at his house and that cat was there. And he went running to his mother saying 'you should of seen the dirty look the cat made at (me). I just rolled my eyes. Like the cat really had a statement to make about me when I barely even looked at it. I talks to him later about it saying it bothered me he would say his cat made a dirty look at me and had to go tell his mother. And he said he was just partly joking... Partly.

    I don't go to their mansion and sprawling garden estate. Just at holidays. I prefer to be home. I am not jealous per se of that cat but it annoys me he will strap a leash on it while it sits under a bush for an hour a day. He calls it walking the cat. Strap a leash on a bag of potatoes and you would get just as much walking out of it. And I feel left out but it is not like a want a part of that.

  • theres NOTHING lame about beating any kind of battle with anxiety and alcohol. i battle both x excellent work, build on this success and be very proud of yourself

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