Why do I feel like this?

Okay, here goes. I don't normally post anything on forums as I don't know where to start but I've been inspired by others on here to do so.

I'm 36 and have a pretty good life but have been struggling with depression and anxiety on and off for about 8 years now. Previously, there have been obvious reasons for this - such as a break up with a long-term boyfriend or workplace stress and bullying but this time I have no idea why - I wish I did!

My life is good - really good - I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love to pieces - we bought a lovely house together last year and should genuinely be really happy - he tries to support me but I know it's tough for him as how can he understand it when I don't?!

I also have a good, well paid job and got promoted recently so can't be doing too bad - yes it can be demanding and stressful but I know I'm good at it. I wouldn't say I love it but it's certainly not that bad. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety have got so bad recently that I kept having "breakdowns" at work so now I've been signed off. I'm not sure yet whether that's better or worse! It's good not to have the additional pressure but it's bad having nothing to get up in the morning for.

I recently lost a few stone and should be really proud and happy with how I am but, instead, I'm now binge eating, slobbing about, feeling sorry for myself and hiding away in my pyjamas - ruining all that good work! Instead of eating healthily and getting some fresh air and exercise! What's wrong with me?!?

I really do have nothing to feel miserable about but I can't stop feeling depressed and anxious. I am really struggling to understand why I feel this way - perhaps I'm just "that type of person" but I never used to be.

I recently started Mindfulness Meditation and spent the first half an hour of the session crying - and have no idea why!

My boyfriend is away for work this week and that's made it really tough. I think I probably rely on him too much. Since he's been away, I've hardly left the house and just sat around feeling lonely and sorry for myself - and eating....lots.

Today, I am going to get off my fat lazy arse and do something nice in the fresh air instead of feeling sorry for myself!

Thanks for listening xxx

13 Replies

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  • Don't be to hard on your self . Depression is like a bad friend you can't help yourself going back to them because its what you know and understand .ian

  • Thanks Ian. I know what you mean! Had a good day today :)

  • Hi, Hope you are feeling better this afternoon. Although the company have signed you off is your GP giving any recommendations for you? Have you considered going into you local library or online to understand more about depression on your days off.

    Depression is a complex issue as is anxiety. A lot depends on how you think and feel. The most successful people can become depressed. Look at Robin Williams. Have you tried counselling? It can be a bit hit or miss though. There is art therapy which is quite good.

    When you were particularly depressed at particular point what was your environment at that time? What was going through your mind?

    Hope this helps

    Andy

  • Thanks Andy. That's really helpful. My Doctor hasn't been that great - other than giving me pills and signing me off! Fortunately, I've found a local centre that does CBT and Mindfulness Meditation, which I'm finding helpful. I've read quite a lot online but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm spending too much time trying to find reasons and understand it, rather than trying to actually deal with it or get on with life!

    Had a good day today - lovely walk in the countryside, which made me feel really great :) Hope you're okay

  • Yes GP's do vary a lot in their approach with a patient's depression. I'm OK today. Weather helps and it's spring so its all good. I think what helps you feel better is actually doing something you perceive as positive and a way forward. Like going for a walk. I hope all goes well.

    Andy

  • Hello

    Welcome to our sight, Sometimes people do not know why they feel the way they do and possibly need some therapy to work out why they are suffering. Possibly you need to understand yourself in that way and when you can understand your feelings then you may be able to address many problems that are dragging you down.

    Last Friday I was in hospital for tests, since then i have been very low, this could be the medications they gave me as they gave me strong painkillers, relaxants and seditives.

    My normal medications had been flushed out before the procedure and I am suffering from a flare of my disability, even my antidepressants been flushed out. Now I am replacing that that I had lost, so my mood is now lifting once more.

    Personally I do not know what treatments you are having and also I do not know how your personal live is getting on

    You have mentioned how well you are doing and how wonderful your man is. You mentioned all several times, is there something wrong there. Are you having doubts or worries somewhere in your life. You mentioned bullying ?? What about a family

    Personally you may need to talk with your GP who will arrange some form of treatments.

    What sort of medications are you taking are you suffering contraindications??

    Anxiety is a word that says you are worried about something, it is a real problem that many need to address.

    With my life I made massive changes, that many people would be unable to take I was fortunate I managed to begin a new life. Again I will need to take my antidepressants for the rest of my life to keep calm.

    We have a really good membership here and many will help you

    Good Luck

    Bob

  • Thanks Bob

    To be honest, I don't think there is one particular issue dragging me down - just loads of stuff going on, particularly for others in my family, which I'm finding it hard to deal with. My family all have their own problems at the moment so I really don't want to worry them with mine. I tend to be the one they all see as the strong one so I try to be that for them. They all have stuff to deal with that's much worse than my problems!

    My Doctor hasn't been that great - other than giving me pills (fluoxetine) and signing me off! Fortunately, I've found a local centre that does CBT and Mindfulness Meditation, which I'm finding helpful. I've read quite a lot online but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm spending too much time trying to find reasons and understand it, rather than trying to actually deal with it or get on with life!

    Had a good day today - lovely walk in the countryside, which made me feel really great :) Hope you're okay. It sounds like you have had some serious health issues to deal with. I'm glad to hear that things are improving and you are feeling positive!

  • Hello Sad

    When it comes to others problems we always need to put others problems to one side. No-one can expect you to take on their problems and you really need to know when to back off as if we do not do that we become flattened by their worries and concerns and forget we have problems of our own.

    My family was a very nasty lot and I just could not make the break, I was meeting them once every two weeks and I was getting not only depressed also tired out. My problem is basically medical and I suffer Chronic Pain, my life was one big hurt that was made worse by the demands of the quango Environment Agency, I eventually was forced out of my home and we moved away from those family problems that were dragging me down. I had been retired on health grounds many years ago and there was very little left for me in my old life. We turned our backs and left family members to their own devices. We still get people looking for us although now everything passes through an old solicitor who knows where we are because of a will and He puts everyone off

    I am not telling you to do that all I am trying to do is to explain how things can go if things get out of hand and life becomes so frantic and nasty. We now live away in the countryside, a new life, and cottage that has been adapted for my disability.

    In all intents and purposes we are dead to my family, My Wife has her cottage garden that she has dreamed of owning and I my Orchard that has all my own selections of fruit.

    All I can advise is be cruel to be kind to them and yourself, if you try and tell yourself over and over again that life is so good, life must be that little bit problematic and so it needs sorting.

    Your life is for living, you do not need to live others problems. There is very little respect both ways in that.

    You know where we are for a chat

    BOB

  • I know exactly where you're coming from - for me binge eating changed when something really bad happened (a girl cheated on her boyfriend with me, worst idea I've ever had) but, this might sound a bit stupid, but if you find the right things to eat and partner that with decent exercise you'll be fine! I've cried myself to sleep many times but you've just got to focus on self improvement, this might sound selfish but it's the only way you'll feel better about yourself + your boyfriend sounds like a decent bloke so I'm sure he'll be with you every step of the way

  • You are so right! It might sound a bit selfish but if we don't put our own health and well-being first, we're never going to get better! I'm determined to get out for some fresh air and exercise again today. It really does help.

    My other half's back now too so I'm already much happier than I was earlier this week. It may sound pathetic but I really missed him. Looking forward to spending the weekend together :)

    Hope you're okay xxx

  • I'm alright today thanks haha. One thing I find that helps is the idea of "if I'm not okay, how can I help others?" and I love helping people no matter what I'll always do my best. Hope this helps :)

  • That's a good way of thinking about it :) Have a good day xx

  • Thanks, you too

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