Im not really sure if I am posting this correctly or not I am a little confused how to use this website. Anyways, I have to know what is wrong with me. I guess I will start my story with 9th grade. It was a especially rough time in my life with death in my family and many other factors all weighing in on me on top of teenage hormones and feeling like I didn't belong. That is the year i began to alienate myself and become depressed. I self harmed back then and it did continue until about May of 2014. 10th grade was better until I hit a breaking point and i did break and I decided to be home schooled for the remainder of the school year. This year 11th grade i decided to come back to public school and I have felt alot better. I have a stable relationship and some friends. I was so happy about 7-8 months ago, around summer time. But overtime I have progressively become more and more sure that I have something wrong with me again, maybe borderline personality disorder. I live in my head, and one night I realized how badly I bully myself. I scrutinize myself for simple things and alot of the time I think my family and friends would be fine, maybe better off without me. This is how I feel exactly, I feel as if I am the most annoying person in the world. I feel like I NEED someone that will talk to me 24/7. My boyfriend and I don't text or call as much as we used to and it drives me insane. It makes me feel like I'm worthless, and I have terrible suspicsions that he doesn't love me anymore and he is just using me. We have been dating for 7 months, and I have brought this up with him before and he was very hurt that I would feel like he doesn't love me. It's all in my head and I know it. But at the same time I am so paranoid that people only pay me attention and hang out with me because they feel bad for me. I want a therapist so so so badly, but theres no way my family could ever afford it. We are below the poverty level, we cant even afford the tiny apartment we live in and have to move soon to a 2 bedroom. I feel so alone nearly all of the time unless I'm with my boyfriend outside of school, and anytime i talk about my problems I feel like I am so annoying because no one knows what to say. Another issue I have is that I spend months at a time focusing in on a certain flaw of mine and I get extreme determination to fix it. It never works of course and then I find something else to hate. But recently it's gotten much worse. I have been so desperate to gain weight, and have a nicer body. Instead of focusing on a single flaw I think about all of them. I spend hours researching ways to change certain physical aspects of myself. I feel like I am so crazy. I see every other girl as a threat, I analyze other girls and compare myself to them which I am well aware everyone does. But it's so extreme for me that I get sick to my stomach and want to crawl under my bed and hide if I look at a prettier girl's social media for too long. I'm extremely insecure and so desperate to change myself in any way possible. I am paranoid that my boyfriend wishes I was prettier. A lot of the time I wish I could run away or fake my death. I just want to escape my life and who I am. I don't think I'm suicidal but I definitely have urges to hurt myself again. I for sure won't though because I will never go back down that road. Another note, I feel like I can only trust myself, like at this point no one can ever give me the proper attention I desire, and I talk to myself in my head. I only do this sometimes, I don't hear voices but I definitely talk to myself. Sometimes it's purley positive and sometimes it's all criticism. I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder and I have anxiety attacks every once in a while. My anxiety definetly restricts me from going places and doing things. I will almost completely refuse to go to my grandmas, because of previous negative incidents. Everytime I do go, I'm practically shaking the whole time. I have it with a few other places, and for a while I had terrible PTSD associated with an illness I had. For years after having it I would have a panic attack because I would experience one of the symtoms and then my mind would immediately assume I have it again. I even promised myself that I would kill myself if I ever got it again. Speaking of which, for some odd reason I feel certain that when my life ends, it will be because I choose to. I have felt certain of this for a few years now. I think that's all I have to say. Sorry if you read this all and I wasted your time
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