Hi everyone my names eve and this probably the millionth time ive written a post but ive yet to hit submit and speak to the world maybe this time i ll be brave i was diagnosed last year with depression, although suffering with it for a few years, i finally bit that bullet and realised it wasnt normal so i went to the gp and got put on citalopram. I suffer with chronic pain, like most ive had my good days and bad days, ive tried coping with work and college and family life, but with work causes pain and with pain causes depression and tiredness and with those, it causes my brain to just switch off, which leads to a non existant family life, cos ya put yaself in that little black bubble, just before christmas i had a bit of a meltdown and finally realised i couldnt keep up with my life, so i left college and took some sick time off work, with not causing myself pain with the physical aspect of working i was able to take things easier and not force myself to endure the pain to be able work and with that my mood started to lift.
4 weeks ago i was on that line where ya not quite sure how ya are, i got a phone call to tell me my brother had died suddenly and i went absolutely hysterical i scream cried which i have never done in my life and i thought i was going to break, once id phoned all the family to let them know, things just didnt stop, after that night i didnt cry again and was kept busy with preparations ect , it took nearly 3 weeks for the funeral to arrive and that whole time was just spent clearing his house ect and doing everything that needed to be done, in that time though i realised i felt nothing ( which is not unusual for me when im low) but to feel like that when someone close has died to me is just ridiculous, the funeral came and went and its been a week now and still i feel nothing, is this normal with depression or have i totally switched off ???? have i done my crying or when this wall comes down will i break down ??? i know im over thinking things but its either that or not think at all, it very frustrating not being in control as im sure everyone knows and with everyday things you cope in whatever way you do but this is a first for me having depression and grieving i dont know what im supposed to do . its a strange world when the only feelings you know you have is guilt for not feeling what your supposed to.