I hope you don't mind me sharing. Somehow it helps talking to people here, I feel less alone and alone I am. Not that being alone is always a bad thing.
My problem is this, I was referred for pyschotherapy but as they are under staffed and I havent slit my wrists and have only been counselled twice in my 100 year life, Im no priority. As I get older though my malaise wont go away.
I explained I felt I was getting worse and needed help. Their answer was to refer me to private organisations that provide help but as I live on my savings theres nothing left for councelling.
I dont feel well and my reaction to my life isnt always healthy, Ive almost completely cut myself off and though I strive to lead a normal life Im aware, Im not coping too well. I cant take drugs Im sorry Im not disparaging anyone who does, but I barely have control of my mind now. Taking an unknown substance would add in to many variables and it wouldnt help me. Im awful at taking pills anyway, I always forget.
So with no help of any kind, Im struggling, I can do this of course, I can and I have good days, but I can suffer mild paranoia and I dont enjoy that. The feelings in my darkest hours are painful.
Tomorrow is by Birthday and for the first time in my life it doesnt feel like a time to celebrate. I used to view Birthdays as one more year I survived! Another year I conquered! Now I feel a little lost, well it may pass, mountains, molehills. Maybe it has been presented to me life isnt about mere survival and I find that difficult.
Sometime I wonder if I take myself too seriously or life too seriously maybe its all one big joke and right now Im not seeing the funny side.
I have been saying and I say it now I dont want to speak for what I dont want, I want to say what I do want, I want to cope better, I want the huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I want all the issues in my life right now which are so huge but in the grand scheme of this world so minute to go and to go for good, if Im honest.
Anyway I hope you are all feeling better than me and that my post doesnt upset you in ANY way, Im just sounding off a moan in the dark eh.
Things will improve, I have no doubt.
One other thing and maybe I shouldnt say this, but right now I feel under huge pressure from my partner, the pressure is untold, anyone would buckle and I am unsure how to cope at all. He knows I have a dark past as a child but this cuts no ice, theres no dispensation, I am treated as one who has experienced a normal life, no trauma. Im not the sum of my past but it does effect me deeply.
All this that Im going through isnt merely about my relationship but all my relationships, especially my own with myself.
Anyway dont give this too much house room, Im just letting it out as they say and appreciate being able to do that. Thanks for listening.