I hope you don't mind me sharing. Somehow it helps talking to people here, I feel less alone and alone I am. Not that being alone is always a bad thing.
My problem is this, I was referred for pyschotherapy but as they are under staffed and I havent slit my wrists and have only been counselled twice in my 100 year life, Im no priority. As I get older though my malaise wont go away.
I explained I felt I was getting worse and needed help. Their answer was to refer me to private organisations that provide help but as I live on my savings theres nothing left for councelling.
I dont feel well and my reaction to my life isnt always healthy, Ive almost completely cut myself off and though I strive to lead a normal life Im aware, Im not coping too well. I cant take drugs Im sorry Im not disparaging anyone who does, but I barely have control of my mind now. Taking an unknown substance would add in to many variables and it wouldnt help me. Im awful at taking pills anyway, I always forget.
So with no help of any kind, Im struggling, I can do this of course, I can and I have good days, but I can suffer mild paranoia and I dont enjoy that. The feelings in my darkest hours are painful.
Tomorrow is by Birthday and for the first time in my life it doesnt feel like a time to celebrate. I used to view Birthdays as one more year I survived! Another year I conquered! Now I feel a little lost, well it may pass, mountains, molehills. Maybe it has been presented to me life isnt about mere survival and I find that difficult.
Sometime I wonder if I take myself too seriously or life too seriously maybe its all one big joke and right now Im not seeing the funny side.
I have been saying and I say it now I dont want to speak for what I dont want, I want to say what I do want, I want to cope better, I want the huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I want all the issues in my life right now which are so huge but in the grand scheme of this world so minute to go and to go for good, if Im honest.
Anyway I hope you are all feeling better than me and that my post doesnt upset you in ANY way, Im just sounding off a moan in the dark eh.
Things will improve, I have no doubt.
One other thing and maybe I shouldnt say this, but right now I feel under huge pressure from my partner, the pressure is untold, anyone would buckle and I am unsure how to cope at all. He knows I have a dark past as a child but this cuts no ice, theres no dispensation, I am treated as one who has experienced a normal life, no trauma. Im not the sum of my past but it does effect me deeply.
All this that Im going through isnt merely about my relationship but all my relationships, especially my own with myself.
Anyway dont give this too much house room, Im just letting it out as they say and appreciate being able to do that. Thanks for listening.
XX
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CarolineLondon
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Hi Caroline I cN relate to what you have written. It's very hard to be be fobbed off
With the " no free counselling available" here stuff. Of course most people can
Not afford to pay the fees privately, unless you have won the lotto.
Caroline my heart goes out to you and maybe you do take life too seriously! But we
All are as we are, that's why we are all unique. Part of life for me is trying to
Accept me as I am and I try and work on my faults and acknowledge my many
Shortcomings. Life is a series of journeys, and each day we wake up we get a new
Chance.
Caroline Birthdays can be very emotional, they are that definite mark that we are one year
Older and we do tend to look back and usually , well if we are a bit down, we look
Back with regret.
Caroline I think you need to see you as a person doing her best, despite a tough start.
But life now is in your hand and you can have a good life. Maybe write down today the main thing that you would like to change by this time next year. It could be Job,
Relationship. Location, country.! ! You can change and also look at the consequences
Of NOT making those changes.
Caroline you say you are under pressure in your relationship! I'm not sure if you
Mean that BF doesn't allow for your background etc. I don't want to be negative but
A relationship should be empowering and supportive, otherwise what is the point
Thanks for the reply and the great advice, we are on the same page in some senses you and I. I know I need to look to the future and by going back to school I am doing that, unfortunately right now life is still often about survival makes planning hard.
Im putting too much pressure on myself in many ways to make up for lost time, when I am really down I take solace in knowing the rest of the time I am trying hard to improve things.
It helps having friends like yourself, I really appreciate it.
Hannah you could not have written better everything that I wanted to say to Caroline.
Caroline you are an emotional soul and birthdays are notorious "mile stones" for reminding us of things; who we are; our past and so on.
I feel your lowness and how you suffer and also I feel the immense effort you put into everything Caroline. You are a unique and sensitive soul Caroline; you're a fighter too; you are actually quite strong in so many ways as you always deal with such depth of emotion.
Hugs and more hugs to you. You're doing well my friend xXX Wish I could be more help. You remind me of a friend I have who is so good to others and she struggles so much at times; she is bipolar yet I have never known a kinder soul. You remind me so much of her; she is one of my dearest friends as I have so much appreciation of her kind soul.
I will start looking for a nice birthday cake for you now (an vitual one). What flavour would you like? Would it be chocolate ?
Awe Gemma thats so kind. I am going through quite a bit as you and I know things arent so good for you, so thank you so much for taking the time to reply, you always do and I really appreciate your kindness.
Oh Hannah sometimes your best is not enough, not nearly enough. Thank you both how can I be like this with two such lovely friends. Im fine tit will all be fine XX Thank you sooo very much XX
Hi Caroline. Best is best so you can't do any more than that even if your best is c.... So please don't beat yourself up for not doing better. Hey you are human as we all are and we are all far from perfect - thank goodness. I hope you count me among your friends as well. Bev xxx
Bev for now Im over it thank you, ask me another time and I may be all over the show. I do count you as a friend, thank you so much and it does make a huge difference.
On my Bday ...Satdi I went to a comedy club and 4 of us had the same birthday, the compare, who was a nice enough chap, a jewish woman who was very dower and an Asia girl, also not a happy bunny. Seemed odd we couldnt have been more different, youd think we'd have something in common! Still I had a good laugh...nothing better on your Bday so for now alls well that ends well.
I feel angry with the world the way it is: pretty much unjust for most of us. I dunno how some people get lots of help and others are left to get on with it postcode lottery? Perhaps. At some point I will let everyone know where I'm coming from but right now I'm trying to get the right help. I will be able to introduce myself to the community then. Just reading these posts and replies reminds me others have suffered too with similar things.
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I NEED YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
What am I doing here?
A little further down the road
Don't Know what i am feeling ): 
