Hi all, this is my first post and hopefully I can find some re-assurance and some advice in were im going wrong.
Im 35 years old and im in meltdown. It started when i was 18 and I didn't understand the effects it was having until recent events unfolded. When I was 18 I found out I was adopted and my parents were not my biological parents, I found out by my aunty at the time and was so shocked it broke me in two. I'd just bought a house and had a mortgage and took on too much debt and so I worked 50-60 hrs a week to help pay and clear my debt. I'd also met my future wife Claire when I was 17 so it was a shock to her too. Throughout my 20's I worked really hard to help build a career for myself, got married and basically shut away all my personal issues which I thought at the time I was dealing with. I tried to get in touch with my biological parents and it didn't go to well once id got in touch. My parents which brought me up give me what I needed but there was always something missing which always played on my mind. My mother which brought me up sadly passed away in 2008 because of cancer and there was so much stuff i regret not asking and time which I missed out on over the past 10 years. I also moved away then for 6 months to try and move closer to my biological mother and get to know her to see if she wanted a second chance, it was clear as the months went by she did not want to know or make the effort to get to know me the way a mother should. I then got introduced to my biological father to which he was a alcoholic and turned up drunk to meet me. I did not see him again till 2013 when I got a phone call saying he only had a few months left to live, so i went to meet him and ask him questions, he said he wanted to make use of the last few months he had left so he could get to know me a little bit, I agreed but then every time I went round he was drunk and had no time for me, so I let it be until 3 days before he died in November and I sat by his bed and watch him die with regret that I had not got to know him properly. While this was going on my marriage had fell apart and we were on the verge of break up, we have a 17 month child which we went though ivf and he is the light at the end of my tunnel that keeps me going. In December I split with my wife and moved out and was sleeping on my step sister sofa, despite this me and my wife did not fight the decision or try to resolve the problem because we were in a rut and I think we had wore each other down to the point it was best for us both and the baby going forward. I had a close friend who was also helping me out, who I am now living with which helped me through certain issues at the time. Jackie went through a breast cancer operation in January and we also moved in together at the same time. My work was very stressful as I am now a store manager in sales and new year is our peak trade, the store was also shutting for refurbishment and to re-open so I had a lot of pressure to help the store shut and re-open as smoothly as possible. All the time I was trying to settle into my new home and learn how to trust and help Jackie who is 10 year older than myself, who is also a department manager who works different shift patterns. My work has always been my safe haven but I found out over recent weeks that two of my team were planning on setting me up to get rid of me from my position and the store by allegedly saying me and my new girlfriend were taking drugs in the store, what made it even more hurtful is that one of the lads was Jackies brother who I'd took on in September. This ripped her apart as well as me.
Now Im at a loss, I dont know what to do, Ive lost all my self believe and confidence, I've lost all trust in everybody, I carnt settle, Im always thinking (im terrible when im on my own), I always think the worst, I have lost my friends that I had because I cannot be bothered to get in touch, me and Jackie take stuff to heart and rip shreds of each other at times because I cannot fully trust her, I also know and have finally admitted that I have a major problem in my head and have just seen my GP who has arranged for me to see a team of Councillors. One day im happy and the next im as low as you can get, sometimes Im hyper and plan things, spend money willy nilly and others Im so depressed and my head spins so much I dont know what to do. I feel angry, frustrated, torn, agitated and now my whole world is coming to a stand still and a crash landing. I dont know who to turn to or how I should be feeling, is this normal or what?
I really really love my new girlfriend, she has been a great support and I want to spend my life with her but im really scared and frightened that she is going to leave me for someone else or just leave me anyway. Im always showing affection and love but expect the same back all the time.
I am really at a loss now, Im sorry for the long post but i would love to hear from others who have been in a simaler place and have come through the other side, because i cannot see i way out at the minute.
Thanks for reading Dave.