Why am I so confused, angry and irritated?

My life has been a wreck since I was age 5. My mum passed away when I was 5, she had an immediate heart attack. It caught my dad and everyone by immediate surprise. I also have a sister who was only 3 when her mother passed. After her death I started feeling all these intense, complex emotions. I remember her well and the night she died. Anyway the emotions stemmed from my mother passing and my dads lack of attention towards me. I was very much neglected and quite frankly spoilt. My dad gave me everything I wanted yet paid no attention what so ever on me. This is obviously to compensate for my mothers loss, and the fact that I would catch him sleeping with other woman at the age of 5. I may not of had a bad up bringing seeing that my dad was wealthy and a diplomat. Although I did have it very tough, especially having no parent to look up too.

Pretty much over the years I got old of it, especially of my dad. I'm sorry for not introducing my background for the people that do read this. My name is josh I'm 17 years old and I have lived all around the world. Pretty much after my mum died my dad went out with various women that I HATED. There was constant jealousy as I never received an "I love you" or anything, everything was directed towards him and his girlfriends. Eventually my dad got married in 2010 with an American woman named Diana, seeing that I'm British and so is my father and sister. I absolutely dreaded the night of the marriage. I still wish I wrecked it to this day, I feel like my mum could of been in that position, instead it's an American bitch that I hate!

Anyways moths past and I started getting into drugs and alcohol. I also started to stand on my own two feet as I moved back from America to England. I previously lived in Barbados and china, I was born in London,England. Anyways our move back to London was some what a relief. I was with my family and started making loads of friends. I went to my first public school and was mixing in with the wrong crowd. However I did it on

Purpose in a sense to disappoint my dad as I hated him and still do. However I thought to myself that I better make my mum proud of me and turn things around. That is exactly what I did, something inside me told me to do it for mother, the woman that left her 5 year old son in a night, odd really?

As the year transpired I landed top grades and was doing exceptional. Everything was balanced and proper. However we had to move AGAIN!!!!! Back to America we went due to my fucking step mums job. Me being moved and tossed around yet again by my damn father and step mum.

This is pretty much where all the revelations and symptoms REALLY start to kick in. So over the month during the summer that I was off school and back living in America having left my school in London. I was feeling really depressed and down, something that had really only rose after my mothers death. You see I had ALWAYS been an extremely smart child, and very manipulative from

an indeed young age. After my mothers death, my intellect was kind of shifted towards a more evil and sinister smart. On terms of extreme manipulation of my father after my mothers death and having disturbing thoughts and plans, furthermore being very deceptive and deceitful towards most people especially the ones closest to me, I.e. My father. These signs had always been with me, however now they were more illusory then ever. What I have been experiencing from moving back here has been, a constant wave of anger, hatred towards everybody, extreme lying, skipping every class, being rude towards everyone(including teachers), always tired, wanting to kill everyone, masses of frustration and irritation for no reason, high level of manipulation, deceitfulness, mix of covert anger and outbursts, blaming others for my position that I'm in, seeing shadows, every night I say "good night" to my mother, no one understanding my condition(including myself), constantly over analyzing situations( including making self diagnosis due to small signs), constant sleep pattern( go to bed, wake up at 2:00, 5:00 then 6:20), I play games with my parents to worry them more, always agitated, can't keep still, no concentration levels, bored extremely easily, no focus on important things( only focus on video gaming, soccer and my rap music that I listen too). I have previously been admitted into hospital this year twice in one month for depression, however I feel it's something else. Also the transition has been tough aswell. And my parents give me no freedom, they simply don't trust me... That's pretty much where I am right now. Any answers? Sorry if this has been rushed, I'm typing this up via my iPhone 5s...

51 Replies

  • Josh,

    You sound like you are very confused, deeply hurting, depressed, angry. All of the above. I can only imagine how it feels to experience so many emotions at once. I am very sorry to hear about your mum's passing. And sad to hear your father never gave you the attention and love you deserved and needed.

    It definitely sounds like you have deep seeded troubles that stem from your mum's death and have grown out of hand over the years of you hating and resenting your dad. This might sound like a dumb question, but have you ever told your dad how you feel? I'm talking a real heart to heart not in an angry confrontational argument. But simply because you are hurting SOOO much. He needs to know this. And if you have tried already, try again.

    But this does sound like a whole lot more than needing to talk with your dad. Have you seen a

    therapist? Maybe you can find one who can help you understand where all of this emotion comes from and learn how to handle it in a healthier way. It sounds like you

    are still mourning the loss of your

    mum. I think a therapist can help you untangle these years of unhealthy behaviors and emotions. If you think you have something else besides depression, a therapist should be able to help. And as for feeling as of you want to hurt others, that is not good. You have some things inside you that need to be resolved. You are hurting so badly, you need healing and to find peace with your mum's passing and find peace with your dad. Even if it just means learning to not hate him. Hate is an emotion that robs us of our own peace and happiness.

    I really feel for you. You've had a rough life but you are getting old enough that you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. You will be grown up and on your own soon and can't blame your whole life's unhappiness on your dad. At some point you will make a life of your own and you will be the only one who can make it a good one or a bad one.

    I hope I have helped some. I'm glad you are reaching out for help. Keep me updated. I really hope you can get a therapist who can help you sort through all of this.

    Best wishes,


  • Hi Josh you have explained well the way you are feeling and even why you are feeling like it which does of course make absolute sense (your mother dying suddenly when you were 5 and evertything that has happened subsequently.

    Of course it is normal to be angry and rageful and confused in this situation and you are now seeing as well that you have acted a lot in rebellion because of your anger.

    It seems like you are now ready to take some responsibility as you can see you are wrecking your own life (and in danger of taking things too far with others) out of (quite justified of course) anger. I think that some counselling could really help you come to terms with things. As for speaking with your dad I don't know if he would be ready for this and it could backfire on you and make you more angry but I do think you can work on yourself and improving your own life now and work through all the anger and grief that you have suffered throughout your life.

    Would you feel confident enough to approach somewhere for counselling? There are different types and you may need to look into this as you could end up with something that does not help if you get the wrong type for you. If you are able to pay for it then you can choose your own counsellor (could book 1 trial session with several and see which fits best to what you want) as I'm sensing very much that for you that getting that right person would be very important. By that I mean someone who can relate to your background and your style of thinking. Maybe a male with strong boundaries who doesn't take any "rubbish" or manipulation from you and tells you how it is, but caring as well to try and get your feelings out to?

    What do you think?

    Gemmalouise X

    PS Don't know what area you are in but CACDP and UKCP and many others give lists of accredited counsellors all over the country. Just type these in Google search or just type in your area and "Counselling" in a Google search.

  • Hi Josh,

    I can only repeat what the other two responses say - you have good reason to feel angry towards the world but now it is important that you see a therapist in order to help you to untangle all the conflicting emotions that lead you to feel confused. You have a life and need help to enable you to live it happily and productively, in a way that will enable you to find happiness. I presume from what you say that you may have sufficient enough money to pay for private therapy - if so then you are in the lucky position of being able to see someone for as long as you need to. I had similar feelings as a result of my childhood and found long term psychoadynamic therapy enabled me to overcome the past - I am confident you can be similarly helped so please see a therapist - rather than a counsellor who will be less qualified. As Gemma suggests, the best way to find someone is through UKCP - or BACP - both have lists of fully qualified psychodynamic therapists in most areas of the country.


  • Thank you all,

    I actually have been seeing a therapist for a few months. I have also actually talked to my dad face to face for the first time in absolute years. He said that he miss handled everything during the time and that he was sorry for not putting me on counseling earlier. I just constantly have a wave of anger and an urge to see suffering to make me feel better, don't know why??

    Anyways, school is a massive struggle. I literally never attend classes, concentrate or remain focused. I'm constantly confused and pre occupied by less important thoughts... Anyone understand why school is impossible to go too?? I really need answers as I don't feel my therapist is getting to the bottom of it(even though it does take time). I'm just frustrated and so are my parents about the way I feel and why I can't just GET OVER IT.

    Yet again thanks to all the replies, I really appreciate having some attention directed towards me. Unlike my father!

  • Well first of all is no wonder your father doesnt trust you. lol.

    First of all, you are very angry, and your angry at the whole world for taking away your mum, your world with her. Your angry for being moved around, and the loss of your stability in live. no one consulted you, on what you wanted, as if you werent there. now your letting everyone know you count too.

    Who knows it might have been your mum saying please make your life worthwhile. she loved you and didnt want to leave you im sure of that, being a mum myself.

    But your dad may have been so lost and alone himself,,, didnt want to be left alone himself. Every successful man theres a good woman. well he lost her too.

    Men are not good at expressing their feelings, which doesnt make a good excuse but it could explain his actions, when were younger we are conditioned to not show our feelings leaving suppressed expressions of emotions, in your case anger!!

    Adults dont realise I think that a young person has opinions or feelings that are so steep. We are adults but they dont give us a guidance book on how to behave, sadly. So we do make mistakes along the way.

    If I was treating you, I would make sure you had a person centred therapist who you respected and would stay with. even if it got hard emotionally for you.

    Then I would make sure that person were very good at, work with the inner child.

    As by what you describe is, how you felt as a child and now. That child needs help and is crying out for help, and no one is listening to him,. (or knows how to help you) probably.

    I would take you somewhere safe where you could express how your feeling and at some point along the way, I would bring your father to see how his behaviour or ingnorance on his part ,,, how things were done hurt you.

    You both needed time to grieve and together. helping to mend the pain, and taking responsibility for behaviours, yours and his.

    And start again mending along the way. A new you, and a new relationship on a different understanding.

    please give feedback.

  • Oh your behaviour is quite normal for an abnormal situation its just getting someone to understand your symptoms .

  • Thank you coat pin for the reply, I really appreciate it...

  • Another question, why is my schooling affected so badly. In terms of me never attending classes and being disrespectful to most people. Also not doing any work...?

  • Hi Josh,

    I've read your posts with a great sense of concern for you. I have a few thoughts buzzing round, it's just getting them down clearly. I suppose the beginning would be the best place to start. :)

    It sounds like you've got a lot of unprocessed memories, thoughts and feelings. This is what happens when we experience a lot of traumas in a short space of time (as you clearly have), because we simply don't have the capacity to process it all; come to terms with what has happened and move on. So we become stuck and the feelings stay with us. No wonder you're confused and can't think straight. Your mind is full of all this excess clutter that you have no means of sorting through currently and that's over whelming you. How can you possibly put it aside and concentrate on something like school? This would also explain the anger of course - some of which has probably occurred as a form protest or resistance against what has happened to you.

    I don't think that's the only reason you're angry either though, Josh. I think you're scared, too (which sometimes comes out as anger). Inside, there's still that lost, frightened 5 year old. Furthermore, I don't think you lost one parent that night, Josh, I think you lost your dad too. He was still there physically but that's where it ended, I don't think you recognised him as being the father you always knew. As the parent, he needed to be the strong one and make sure you feeling, safe, secure and loved. He didn't do this. And you didn't get what you needed as you were growing up. Instead he showered you with aesthetically pleasing material objects in order to 'compensate' for the number of losses you'd experience. Meaning you didn't learn to appreciate the value of each of these objects in question. (Perhaps this gave you some distorted beliefs about being able to get anything you wanted in life - which is what made the future so much harder to handle).

    On top of this, your dad was involved with a string of woman who you perhaps felt he was trying to replace your mum with (I don't know, I'm just speculating). Is it any wonder you haven't been able to bond with Diana? Maybe there's a part of you that can't be sure she's here to stay, due to the unpredictability of your father's behaviour with women in the past? Why get close to a single one of them if you're half expecting them to be taken away from you again? You might also feel you were being disloyal to your mum if you got close to her - again I'm just speculating - but you don't have to feel that way Josh because the bond you had - have - with your mother is still unique and nothing is going to take that away from you, nothing is going to, can or will ever replace that. Because that's not how it works is it? You create new bonds with new people each time, and nothing can ever undermine the previous ones. I'm not saying you should get close to her, but perhaps you could work on making peace with your negative feelings towards her, for both of you. It's not her fault for all the things you went though before you knew her, the mistakes your dad made - all the moves and upheaval. That's the other reason, I believe, your scared. Is there anywhere Josh, that you call home? Is there anywhere that you would consider familiar? Is there even anywhere you feel safe? Again, how is school a safe learning environment for you if you're half expecting to move to another one, how can you possible settle in, make new friends, and pay attention with that worry hanging over you? You said yourself you tried that already didn't you? Things were starting to turn around just before your dad's wife got a new job in America and everything had to change again, and this, coupled with your history of all the previous moves, must have had some severe affects on your mental health.

    You've had to deal with a lot of things that are beyond your control. All the moves have left you feeling insecure, wobbly, destabilised and this probably causes you to lash out too. It shows a need - one we all have - to be heard, to be listened to. (In other words I think your misbehaviour is a cry for help). I think one of the reasons you misbehave is because it's a way of you taking control. Because you have great intelligence, it's understandable you're going to use it - it's one of the few things you have which can't be taken away from you, and which you can use to your advantage.

    It's also something very familiar to you - even though, I would imagine, quite damaging too and probably not impacting well on your self esteem. I think in some sense, you are regressing back to being child-like when you behave badly - which you use a coping mechanism. We hold on to whatever we can when we feel at uprooted, even if we know it isn't healthy for us. To answer one of your questions, I think you feel the urge to see someone suffering because this is how you feel on the inside, so seeing it on the outside I think would act a 'release' for some of your pent up emotions.

    Last of all I think a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD - complicated and/or delayed?) would be of great benefit to you alongside the former of depression. I think that if you have anything else other than depression, then it's that (bare in mind I'm not a doctor, this is purely speculation, but bring it up with your therapist, if you're still seeing them, and see what they say). I've got some other advice for you, but this comment is getting longer and longer! So do you mind if I leave it here and come back later?

    I'm sorry if all this doesn't make sense, I've already edited it a few times. Sometimes the words don't come out how I intend them to.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Fay :) xxxx

  • Wow Fay you nailed it, your the most understanding person I have ever met. Thank you so much for this help. You have no idea how much I sincerely appreciate it:)

  • Hey thanks. :) I appreciate that. I'm really glad I could help. I hope you can get the support you need, and things get better with your therapist. xx

  • Thanks for sharing your story Josh,

    Your mom delivered a talented and gifted son to this earth. Although she had to leave you at a young age-she is still with you. Please do not let your talents and gifts go to waste. We know you are capable of doing great things with your mind-you have done them before in school in London.

    God has a great destiny for you, but in life we all have experiences that challenge us to the very core of our being. Only you can harness the great talents and gifts that are within you. Look how far you've come despite all the pain. You are definitely a champion!

    The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that you can have joy, peace, LOVE, and strength for life's challenges. We only get one life-but YOU have to choose to want to experience a life worth living. You've already shared with us how your life is working out for you now.

    There are so many other young people in the world that are hurting just like you-but will completely turn their lives around because of your great story.

  • Thank you so much, I'm really thankful of the feedback...

  • One June the second I have an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about PTSD and Depression. Until then I have to deal with school, I could get into serious trouble soon as I literally can't go to class. It drains the life out of me, I'm constantly tired aswell...

  • Hi again Josh,

    First of all, brilliant news appointment the appointment. :) Hopefully you can find a positive way forward now.

    In the meantime, I can appreciate the situation you're in. It sounds like school is somewhere you find really difficult to face at the moment. There's doesn't appear to be am immediate answer as to how to tackle this. Is there any particular teacher you would feel comfortable talking to? You could maybe have a word and say you're having a hard time facing school and feeling settled in class.

    Because of your circumstances, maybe they could arrange something like recording lessons/ an independent note taker and you could access the content from somewhere more private in your own time, or catch up with it later when you're feeling a bit stronger? I'm sure that depression requires special provision in the education system. It's just a thought anyway. Maybe you could experiment going into class on day and seeing how it feels, and if it all gets too much, just make an excuse and leave - at least being able to say you tried. :)

    I have to get off for now but I'll probably be back tomorrow with some of that advice/ideas I've been mulling over since my last comment. ^

    Wishing you all the best,

    Fay :) xxxx

  • Thank you Fay, great feedback as ever I'll give it a shot:)

  • Welcome. :) Good luck xx

  • Why do people with PTSD having trouble socializing out of interest. I'm popular but only because of how talented I am at sport. When it comes down to talking however I'm so awkward and non responsive. Is it anxiety, what is it?? I'm not 100% I have PTSD but it's very likely, like I said in a previous post I am getting a thorough check up by my psychiatrist.

  • That's an interesting question Josh. I suppose one answer would be PTSD, or in fact any illness (be it mental or physical) can affect our ability to function normally. In the case of post traumatic stress, you'd have all of these built up emotions that are bound to make you feel tense or uncomfortable in certain situations, particularly in emotionally stimulating situations like social environments. This in itself can cloud or impair our thinking; ability to spot social cues - making us unsure of what would be considered the appropriate response in that given situation, which comes so naturally to some people. This can cause anxiety around these type of situations in general. PTSD which occurs in childhood, which is probably you're case, transcends the normal line of development which includes developing those all important social skills.

    Some of our ability to develop relationships also comes from the relationships/interactions we have with our parents. I think child-parent relationship (which are usually the first a child develops) acts as a blue print for the child's future relationships or interactions, and gives them the confidence of tackling ambiguous (social) situations - so it seems extremely likely that the loss you experienced as such a young age, and the subsequent problems you've had with your father, could also go some way to explaining the challenges you're facing at the moment. Parents act as a safe base for the person navigating the world. Moreover, I wouldn't be surprised if some of this was down to trust issues you may have as a result of your dad letting you down. If you're already doubting (or even paranoid, again - purely speculation) about the person or group how can you truly interact or be yourself around them? Also, maybe you're scared of getting too close to people, because the last time you formed friendships, you had to move school and lost touch with them (socialising with them risks getting close to them, therefore puts you at risk of getting hurt).

    I'm sorry if it sounds overly clinical or detached (it's been a real effort getting my words out today).

    Don't be put out by it. What I've said (which might not apply anyway) isn't the be all and end all. Loads of people have problems socializing but with the right support, we get there. :) It just takes longer for some people than others, because everyone differs in who they are and the experiences they have.

    I hope this helps. :) Also, best of luck with the psychiatrist.

    Fay :) xxxx

  • Exactly, most people don't even known experience. That's a mother thing explaining to people why I feel this way is always an obstacle. Also explaining to my parents cause I don't trust them with what I'm revealing to them. Also I have learned a lot more about my mums death and it just doesn't make sense. You see my dad actually said that she confided in a person where she worked and told them that she knew her death was inevitable, this was a few months before her actual death. Just thinking about that makes me feel not wanted as she could of been saved:( I always think about this, it kills me inside that her life could of been saved. It makes me SO ANGRY inside, it's like I was never good enough...

  • Hi Josh,

    Wow. That sounds like a revelation and your anger is perfectly understandable. I don't have enough to go on to know what context she said it in, she might have meant inevitable in the sense that, death is inevitable for everyone, because we all die eventually - she could have meant it in lots of ways. Although sounds like you interpreted it in the way that your mum knew it was coming - and you feel angry - and hurt (and rejected?) because you're wondering if something could have been done to save her? Instead of her leaving you?

    I'm sure you WERE good enough - I'm sure she loved you with all her heart, and that if she would never have left you if she could have helped it. She said she knew her death is inevitable - that means she didn't have a choice. None of us do. None of us can choose when or how we go...

    But I understand that even if you know all this, why you would still feel angry, and hurt and all the rest, because she's not here - and most people still have their mum, so it isn't fair. It's a huge thing to have to deal with! I don't think you were ever able to come to terms with her going and this is what has caused lots of unanswered questions and confusion for you. I think that's why you keep going over when it happened in your head, you're trying to find an answer. But I hope you can be assured now that she didn't want to leave you.

    Have you tried talking to your dad about her? I know things with your dad are a bit strained at the moment, but it sounds like is he has started to see the error of his ways, and I think if you could know more about her from your dad, and look at past memories - maybe look at some old family photos if you have some (in fact you wouldn't need your dad for that, you could do it in your own time :) ), this will help you remember the sort of the woman she was - how much you meant to her - and hopefully you can began to find some peace...

    I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.


  • Another*

  • Yes it's helpful, it's just I haven't talked to my dad 1 on 1 for absolute years apart from a few weeks ago but that was something different. I hate him, I'm always angry at myself for feeling that way but I feel like it can't be helped?

  • Another thing to mention, maybe pretty irrelevant but I have constant pattern counting going on. It takes the order of 1221211221121221211212211221211221121221122121112111122112212112. It's really weird, I feel like I have to do it to advance and carry on doing whatever I'm doing. I also when I eat I have to clear my mouth out before I can drink or do an activity. But I have to literally go to the sink wash my mouth out. It takes about 15-20 mins just to do that...

  • Hi Josh,

    I think Gemma Louise is right it sounds exactly like OCD, it's more common than you might think, it's a set of behaviours people develop as a way of feeling in control (however illogical the behaviours themselves appear at face value) - definitely mention it to a professional.

    About talking to a family member, is there anyone else on your mum's side? An auntie, uncle or grandparents you could talk to? I guess with all the moving around you wouldn't know them very well if you did. I know you're finding any communication with your dad difficult at the moment but maybe if you could ask him for their contact details? If getting in touch with them is even possible. It's just a thought. You shouldn't blame yourself for having these feelings towards your dad. You've a right to after everything that's happened. Once you get your diagnosis and treatments in place, you can work through understanding your feelings towards your dad better and hopefully go some way to resolving it.


  • I'm not an expert but your last reply sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder which is caused by anxiety.

  • Okay thank you for the replies:) I'll consult my psychiatrist about OCD.

  • No problem. :) Best of luck. xx

  • I still can't get over the fact that the 5 year old son that lost his mother is still in me...It gives me chills, also knowing that I definitely did lose my father that night to. Now that he realizes it, I think it's to late an I'm NOT willing to change at any cost. The mark and scare that is still with me will never change and every time I think about my child hood I somewhat shed a tear cause of how everything went about. Just why did I deserve this????!!!!!!

  • Hi,

    You didn't deserve any of it - it happened because life is unfair. You didn't have the childhood everyone should have.

    I understand the mark of what happened will always be there, but it doesn't have to impact on the present, you can still live a good life. And I know you feel it's too late to work things out with your dad - and can't ever envision establishing a relationship with him now, which is I can understand. But could you work on reducing these strong feelings of anger about him for your own sake, because as someone else said above, hate is a very destructive emotion.

    Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. Just a quick pointer, you could even print this out this whole thread for the psychiatrist to read so you wouldn't have to take time explaining everything, it might speed things up. :)


  • Great idea thank you so much! Xxx

  • No problem :) I really hope all goes well tomorrow.


  • It went well, in fact my psychiatrist hasn't quite labeled me yet. However said that it's very likely I have PTED and not PTSD? I was quite shocked, I guess it's extreme levels of pervasive bitterness, anger, resentment etc and the loss of my mother that brought her to this conclusion. Furthermore all the moving and everything that's happened. So next week I'm having a test for PTED.

  • Hi Josh,

    I'm really glad it went well. It sounds like things are really moving forward now. I haven't heard of PTED so that's interesting - probably something that people should be made more aware of. Do you personally feel she's accurate in her thoughts of this? You shouldn't be afraid to say if you disagree, as it's your health, although you'd probably need a good understanding of the condition itself in order to make that judgement. Anyway, I hope the tests goes ok, I'm sure it will. :)

    I responded to your PM from the other day, not sure if you got it? Don't worry about it as I know you've got lots to think about.

    One more pointer, I think you should bring up the OCD behaviours if you haven't already, as I'm 99% sure you have OCD based on what you told me, and it's something that's much more well known and understood now, and perfectly treatable. Try to get as much, and the best suited, help as you can.

    Take care my friend,

    Fay xxxx

  • Joshua, another one of those abbreviations ! (PTED). I had not heard of it so just looked it up. So its post traumatic embitterment disorder, "feeling the world has treated you unfairly. It's one step more complex than anger. angry plus helpless." the website I just consulted says.

    Been following your post and it sounds like your appointment was really fruitful and being able to label it as well I think will help you be able to move forward with a treatment.

    Not sure if I should be posting this morning as I am desperately tired again so sorry to anyone if I'm not as articulate as I am sometimes. Just wanted to say I'm pleased it went well Joshua. Gemma

  • Hi Gemma,

    Don't worry your reply was absolutely fine to me. :) And that's interesting - not something I have heard of before.


  • I was really really worried that I had upset either Josh or the admin yesterday with this reply as it had disspeared and then I read Fay's response which sounded like someone had complained about it. I now realise what has happened and that she was commenting on the fact that I had said I was tired in my reply. Been beating myself up all night about it and how clumsy I am and how I can't get things right and was not even go to look this morning; was even thinking of leaving the site but decided against it. It just goes to show how my feelings can get exaggerated and I can misconstrue things.

    It looks like my answer has reappeared now though. I don't know whether it was under question and has now been put back on. All I want to say is that maybe sometimes I can be clumsy but I was referring to the fact that someone had commented on there being a lot of abbreviations so was trying to help people out by saying what the abbreviation meant. Also I had looked up the condition. Maybe I should not have written what it said about the condition but I don't find it offensive so I did put it. Oh my, I'm sorry folks if I ever do cause offense; everything is always meant in the best of spirits and with the best of intentions. Gemma X

  • My dad has now started to accuse me of "the hell I've put him through" and how "lazy" I always am, especially towards school. When he tells me off I just laugh, but at the end of the day the amount of hatred, bitterness and anger I have against him is paramount. Also how DARE he blame me of being lazy and having all these "teenage traits" is how he puts it, cause he was the one that caused it and messed my life up, also the one that doesn't understand a thing about me. I JUST HATE HIM!!!!!

  • No it wasn't offensive in anyway don't worry haha :)

  • Oh thank you Josh, that is a real relief. I think it must have been just a technical glitch with the site at the time; I guess these things happen x

  • I'm sorry to everyone that heard about my diagnosis of PTED I self diagnosed my self I that. What my psychiatrist diagnosed me with in reality was a type of depression named "Existential Depression". I'm just too curious and shocked that I didn't want to reveal it to you people...

    It makes ally of sense however it's very hard to digest I guess?

  • Hi Joshua - having read your posts I can understand why you are feeling so angry, there appears to be little if any stability in your life and that is unsettling for most people. The loss of your mum at such an early age and your inability to get the support you required from your dad has clearly had a huge impact upon you and your ability to form positive relationships with others.

    I believe your undertaking specific bereavement related counselling would be helpful, however having experienced counselling many times in the past myself I personally am not convinced of its usefulness other than as a way or having someone external to the situation to talk to, however I don't believe it enables a person to accept and move on from the effects of the traumatic events they have experienced.

    Personally I would recommend you access a really experienced coach (if they have experience of working with CBT so much the better) who can identify your issues with you and support you to come up with the answers that will work for you. Ultimately you are the only one who can make the changes because you are the one with the most invested in this situation.

    You have clearly spent a lot of time trying to evaluate where you are think of how much you would achieve if all that energy was focussed on taking you where you want to be?

    You have a lot to offer the world and it would be a shame if we all missed out on your input because all your talents are focussed on the past and not on creating the best future for you.

    There is a book by John Bradshaw on healing your inner child you may want to have a look at that and see about working through some of the exercises contained within.

    Wishing you well JMEG

  • Thank you Jmeg very much, I will take a look at the book most definitely! :)

  • I've recently been talking with my therapist. And we were talking about my constant emptiness. Also the fact that it actually becomes painful. Whenever people take things away from me, I.e. My video games, I go absolutely insane! Video gaming fuels my emptiness and feeds it until I don't feel it anymore. However if my emptiness is

    Hungry then the deep empty hole sets back in and makes me angry, frustrated, depressed and extremely irritated and intolerable. I get bored in an instance if I'm

    Not pre occupied with my gaming or watching something stimulating. Any suggestions as to what this is, and how to help the constant emptiness to feel less empty?

  • There are no easy answers to this question Josh and long term inner emptiness will be caused by your upbringing and you need to religiously stick out your therapy to really understand and help this. However distraction can work well at keeping you more balanced. Are you interested in any sports at all? Maybe think about taking up something very energetic, running, or how about boxing as that can help get aggression out? Also they say that swimming underwater is very healing and calming and I can vouch for that. You do not need to go to an ocean; just swim underwater at times when at your local pool. :)

  • Thanks for the reply. Also I'm depressingly unmotivated, thus school is always greatly affected. No matter what people say, "get motivated" or " look for the positives" it just doesn't help. It's like my body doesn't want to solve the issue and wants to remain in this state. Also I'm not motivated to even do simple things, i.e. Walk down the stairs or even right this post is a struggle. In craving help and answers...

  • If you're open to it Josh, I would look at having some spiritual healing. When a soul is as troubled as yours, evil entities can take hold & manipulate you. Remember you are part of something greater & you are loved unconditionally.

    Sending you healing energies, love & light.

    Karen x

  • Thanks Karen, I'll look into it:) x

  • Hi Josh,

    Not heard from you in a while...hope you're ok. Everything for me seems to quiet at the moment on the social media (and generally social) front at the moment, people who I used to talk to a lot I haven't heard from in a while and I don't know why. :/ They won't answer my last 2 emails. I'm just feeling a bit paranoid and down at the moment and worrying that I've upset everyone. Anyway not that I am getting at you just saying. I hope that you are ok, I hope I haven't said anything that may have upset you (just making sure).

    I have been meaning to go onto your post again and look up your comments on this post but it's been playing up and refusing to show me all the replies, otherwise I would have been here sooner. I know you said you self diagnosed PTED but it's still worth looking into - self diagnosis can be accurate because after all you know yourself and how you feel better than anyone else does.

    Anyway, let me know what happens and how you get on. You can do this Josh, you're strong, remember that.


  • Idc what other people have said I'm just done with life kinda like you, my dad died when I was 10 and he drank a lot and was just a cool guy but just so destructive to his body. He died at about when my sister was turning 2 so my mom and I were left with her I love her but it's hard raising someone else at that age, she kinda looks up to me like a dad and it gets stressful sometimes. So after all this happened the years have gone by and I learned to cope with not having a dad, but the thing is at the age of 14 I'm 16 now my mom decided that me smoking pot was not okay, I started at age 13 alright and I smoked it on occasions but she hates it so she had enough of me smoking pot so she said were going to the doctor for a check up. When I got there they strapped me down and when I tried to get up they held me down and said he's resisting then I screamed mom but she never came she just walked away. I cried and begged for them to stop and let me go but they wouldn't I eventually cried and kicked tell they injected me with this syringe and I fell asleep when I awoke my wrists were bloody and had rope burns on them and my arm was swelled where they injected me. They told me to get up and go to the nurses office I did as I was told everyone looks at me weird cause who wouldn't. When I got to the nurses place she said take these pills I tried to refuse but she said she'd call the people back so I did as I was told after about 45 minutes I didn't feel the same I felt tired and really groggy I also had terrible cotton mouth and my heart was beating faster I didn't complain I just went with it. After 5 days of being there and talking with the people and the other kids my mom came to pick me up she asked me what I learned and I said nothing absolutely nothing my life went on normally except my friends didn't hang out with me ever, they got news that I went to a mental hospital and they avoided me they absolutely would not talk to me because they had there beliefs set on the fact that I was crazy. No matter how much I begged or cried they would not take me back my friend bailey who like you is British was still with me and was nice to me we are neighbors and we hang out a lot, as the months went on I went to a new school but wasn't the same the medicine kept coming and I didn't feel the same because my mood was off and every day I would puke I would vomit if I ate anything my hands would shake uncontrollably and I would try to get my old friends back but they thought I was some kind of wierdo and didn't wanna catch my crazy I went on with my life as I've been saying and learned to deal without friends it hurt but I continued on and after a while she finally understood the medicine was hurting me so we switched I felt better and began getting my school work done and getting good grades, but eventually I just started missing my friends but most of all I missed my dad I realized that my life would have been so much better if he were here my mom wouldn't have the stress of being a single parent and she wouldn't have had to run the family business by herself. My sister would have had a real dad she's my half sister my mom couldn't have kids so my aunt was her mom, so she would have had answers and wouldn't be confused now and I just I need someone sometimes to say it's okay your not crazy your a great kid and I love you but any time I hear that from my mom it just doesn't sound like her it sounds like someone different and I hate the fact that she just tries to control everything. So as of now why I'm pissed at her is because after all this waiting my friends come back they say hey someone has a bong they want to sell it to you don't mess this up I don't I go through with it get the bong and a day later my mom takes it away she tells me she still has it but won't give it to me... I don't want to tell them I don't have it because I don't want them to think I'm a square I hate her I tell her the reason why I need it back but she says no it's always been about pot with her she doesn't get that it's not that bad. All she says is your bipolar you can't smoke that and or you have mania and anytime I try to talk to her rationally she just says this is called rambling and you need to stop. I'm so sick of her and want her to just fuck off let me have my bong and leave me be but she won't I'm at her work now because she said if I go she'll give it back she's not though she already said she wasn't I'm sad and am just feeling the pain of not having a dad a lot right now so yeah hope you understand

  • I still wonder why I have such intense brain fog. Huge amounts of confusion, significant lack of concentration and awful memory when I used to have the most sharpest memory and absolute A* when in England. Do I have chronic stress cause it's also physically affecting me whatever it is that's doing this too me. I'm always tired and exhausted constantly out of it and can't function. Forget school I can't do basic things. Do I have chronic fatigue syndrome? I really don't know anymore people. I'm stuck I don't know how to move on and I miss my mum a lot. I also don't care what people say as well. These extreme emotions of anger, resentment, frustration, irritation and agitation get the better of me. My brain fog by the way is 24/7

    Non stop. I'm lost typing this up I'm so confused. I've really lost my mind...

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