I haven't posted on here for quite a while but I read the posts each day. As some of you might remember - a year ago I was in a very dark place and suicidal. I have posted before as to the reasons:- emotionally abusive father who constantly belittled and criticised me especially from my teenage years. For some reason he hated the sight of me but adored my younger sister. I had lovely long hair but when I was about 4 he had it cut all off (pudding bowl!) and forced me to wear it short even as a teenager of 15. I was never shown any love or affection by either of my parents (I cannot EVER recall a single display of affection from either of them). My sister, it seems, was his little angel. He used to call her his 'love child' and she got all the cuddles. I often wonder if the reason he loathed me was because my I was conceived out of wedlock and my parents were forced to marry at 21 and 22.
It was hell living at home. Toxic environment. My parents fought constantly and my father would often slap my mother around. But she was a weak woman and allowed herself to be controlled and dominated and never stood up to him. She stood by and watched him destroy our family: he didn't just have a problem with me but just about everyone he came into contact with including every neighbour he's ever lived next to and also work colleagues. He fell out with his sister in 1974 and hasn't spoken to her since. We were forbidden to have any contact with her (my aunt) or our cousins. I have only seen that side of the family once. Then, over the years, he became estranged from the rest of his family - his mother, his brother, his sister, the whole of my mothers family. When he was fighting with them we, as children, were forbidden to talk to them. He hasn't spoken to his brother since 1985 and his other sister since about 1995. As a result of all of this I now have lost touch with my extended family
I was forced to leave home at 17 (he threatened to throw me over the balcony during an argument and that the paramedics would have to scrape me off the pavement!!) and had to fend for myself. I was forced to abandon my university plans, as it would have meant living at home. I started working as a cashier at a high street bank and that was the start of a succession of miserable office finance jobs. At 18 I realised that this was not the career path for me. I had a flair for writing and my dream was to be a journalist. But it would have meant leaving my job to study full time as this qualification couldn't be done part time. As I couldn't fund the fees I asked my father to help but he flatly refused (I was born overseas and there is no such thing as education grants over there!).
So, it was back to the miserable bank job. It was around this time (18) that I saw the GP the first time for depression. He prescribed ADs. From then I had one bad relationship after another, a couple abusive. At 23 I married and had my son at 24. I fell out with my parents before the wedding as my father forbade (yes that's right!) me to marry. So, my parents didn't attend my wedding and my sister (19 at the time) was forbidden to. Neither did any of my other family as I had lost touch with them, thanks to my father.
He forbade my mother to have anything to do with me and she was not allowed to see my son after he was born. My mother did though on the sly. Then my mother had to have a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I decided to go and see my father to make amends as I was worried about my mother. I was forced to apologise to him and he said I was the reason my mother got cancer - all the stress! He saw my son for the first time when he was 18 months.
Relations were strained but I still maintained contact. I divorced at 28. At 29 I had a near fatal car crash - the following year on my 30th birthday I had a massive argument with my father - to do with the car crash and how it was all my fault according to him. I walked out and I haven't seen him since. That was 14 years ago.
The following year I moved to the UK for a new life for me and my son. The best decision I ever made. I met someone in 2004. we bought a house together, but sadly that relationship also ended in 2012. It had all come to a head: Relationship failures; miserable jobs one after another; dysfunctional family; son leaving for uni; house had to be sold. I had reached rock bottom. After begging for help the GP referred me and I started weekly psychotherapy sessions. I was an absolute mess. In 2010 I was made redundant from my last job and I started my own little business. Goodness knows how I managed but it was my saving grace - something to focus on. The business has gone from strength to strength and I now have people working for me. I made a pact with myself that from now on I am to remain single and concentrate on feeling better within myself and growing my business even more. I have set a goal to buy the house of my dreams in a couple of years. That is my focus for now. And of course, my son who is nearly finished first year at uni and comes back to me for the hols.
I haven't seen my parents since I came to the UK 14 years ago. My parents keep on promising to come and visit but they never do. I booked flights a few years back to visit but was told 'it didn't suit them' and I should postpone until it did! Unbelievable, as they hadn't seen me and their grandson for 7 years. Relations still strained between my father and I - we did speak occasionally on the phone over the years. But some things never change - my sister fell out with them at her wedding and didn't speak to them for 7 years after! They had a problem with the table arrangements at the wedding and felt they had been unfairly treated. My sister had her first child last year and made up with them but they have only seen their granddaughter 4 times in the year she was born (why? because everything always has to be on their (his) terms and they want everyone else to do the running.)
I decided this year to bite the bullet and that my son and I should visit as my folks are not getting any younger. However, my son has flatly refused as he says they have made no effort to visit us. This enraged my father who began furiously texting and emailing my son and I. He even phoned my son and bad mouthed me to him as he suspected all this was my doing. When my son told me I exploded...not sure if it was due to the therapy I've been having but something inside me snapped. I told him that he was despicable and a sad and pathetic excuse for a father and that he had ruined our entire family and the he had f***ed up my childhood. I had never told him this before.
Of course, he then penned me a vicious personality attack email saying that I was a failure and that I bail out of everything in life and that no man wants to live with me and that I am a huge problem - even my own son thinks I'm a problem (absolute lies). He said that unless I apologise and retract my text he is going to consult his lawyers with a view to suing me in the UK for defamation!! I replied to his email with an equally vicious one saying he needs professional help, is suffering from delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex and how he has systematically ruined and estranged our entire family and he still continues to do so. Now he is messing with my sons mind.
I know they are my parents, but I don't think they will ever change. I am sad each and every day as I will never know what it feels like to have 'normal' parents or a family for that matter. There is always that lonely little girl inside me who yearns to be nutured, to be loved, to be wanted, to be part of a large and loving family. Why are they like this? I think I have to cut them out of my life for good but this makes me very sad for my son as well as for me.