Butterflies everywhere.

[Cinamon180]

Its coming close to the years anniversary of my loss. I've come a long way and I have the support and love from my partner to thank for that. I'm almost finished school (wooooo) and I have an awesome job already lined up for when I graduate. the outside shell of my life seems to be what I always wanted for myself, but still I can see in the inside shell all crumbled and depleted. Its hard to explain how quickly my attention turns from what my life is showing me to the random thoughts and emotional outbursts that just come when ever they seem fit. its like i'm in a field smelling those daisies and suddenly a swarm of beautiful yet daringly evil butterflies block my view. why can't I focus on the good things in my life and just let those negative thoughts go. I want to be a mother, and every second that i'm not just makes me feel so useless, so broken. when I lost my little girl without being able to meet her to hold her or to even say good bye it left this empty hole in my life that i haven't been able to fill. if I can just get past this anniversary without a breakdown. if I can just pretend its another day.. what am I kidding Im counting down the days. (38 days by the way) Any thoughts on the best way to spend such a sad anniversary? anyone dealing with a loss of any kind? I want to hear your words and maybe we can help each other out.

[Sidhewolf]

Hello Cinamon, A loss of someone close is always hard, sending you lots of love and healing. A suggestion, a friend had lost her brother and like you she grieves, I suggested that she set a table for two, with tea / coffee, etc and two chairs. then visualised her brother walking into the room, sitting down and they had a chat about how her year had gone, keep it positive as much as possible, 'hearing' his answers about how proud he is of her, and loves her. She said similar to him, lit a candle, maybe a pink one for unconditional love, the conversation ended with something positive, seeing herself giving her brother a hug and love. xx

If you need to chat, a shoulder, someone to 'listen' please contact me, you're not alone,

This link is to a page about bereavement you might find some ways to cope on here.

counselling-directory.org.u...

[Stilltrying_]

Hello Sidhewolf, if you were to read Cinnamon's older posts you would notice she lost her baby by miscarriage. Gemmalouise

[Stilltrying_]

Cinnamon, I have not been through what you have been through but I have found a couple of contacts that may help you. The one is a forum . The other is a helpline. Here is the info on the child death helpline. " This wonderful helpline is for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult.

It's for parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, other relatives. Also, friends, teachers, emergency services staff and healthcare professionals... "

Ring freephone

0800 282986

Or:

0808 800 6019 (freephone number for all mobiles)

Opening hours:365 days a year, at these times:

Every evening 7pm to 10pm

Monday - Friday 10 am to 1pm

& Wednesday afternoons 1pm to 4pm

Website:

childdeathhelpline.org

Email:

[e-mail]

The following is the forum link. miscarriageassociation.org..... It is a moderated forum and so checked that any responses are respectful of your situation.

There may be people on here who have been through similar but just thought I would mention those to you.

Gemmalouise x

[Hidden]

Hello

It was sad and heart rending for you on the loss, of a wanted child, there is very little that most of us can say only we can feel your loss. Life is full of bitter and sweet, all you need now is the sweet and it seems that you be passing into a life full of dynamic changes, pick up these changes and run with them this will give you a more positive outlook and true feeling of achievement.

When you become stronger you may then plan a new child with your partner, give yourself time for this

to happen.

In the past people used to put an in memoriam in the local newspaper, this used to try and close the old from the new.

You will never forget what happened those months before, You now need to pass into the life you are contracted too live.. Our lives are given so we will learn life tribulations. All our lives are so intense and to learn, we live them with fervour

Good Luck for your future, life is for those who are left behind, and memories make us stronger

All the very best

BOB

[Hidden]

Hi,

Anniversaries are always difficult and this one will be especially difficult as you don't have the good memories to fall back on, just the hopes and dreams that were lost along with the baby. Only time will ease that pain so don't be hard on yourself for feeling as though you have recovered on the outside but inside are falling apart. You are still grieving and that takes a long time. Are you able to share your feelings with your partner, as it will be a loss for him too if he was the father.

It's great that you have a good job lined up. Well done! Be gentle on yourself and perhaps seek support from a counsellor while you settle into the job as it will be stressful at first and you are already feeling vulnerable, presumably the job will be decently paid and you could afford to see a counsellor privately while you are settling into your new routine, then if the grief doesn't ease you might get specific grief counselling help . It sounds as though your sense of identity as someone worthwhile has been hit by the death of your baby, perhaps you blame yourself in some way for your baby's death and feel if you had done something differently she might still be alive? The pain of her loss will never entirely go away but it should ease with help, your daughter wouldn't have wanted you to spend your whole life feeling unhappy inside because of her so if things don't ease in time do seek help. Meanwhile can you use the anniversary day to celebrate your daughter's existence and the life she might have had - it may feel more painful to do that but it may enable you (and the father if he is around) to express your fantasies about what might have been, because her death means a loss of those.

Take care and I hope you manage to have a positive remembrance day as well as a painful one.

Suexx

[Marz21]

Hi there. I am so very sorry for your loss. I really struggle to talk about my own loss, but I would say make time for yourself, just you and your thoughts. I couldnt manage to act 'normal' so I just made sure I didnt have to. I also always find music a comfort, sometimes it helped me to relax, sometimes I just cried, but I needed too.

these are some lyrics to a song which touched me...

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

More: lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kar...

[Photogeek]

Hi There Cinnamon.

I have no experience of this kind of loss and I can imagine it is very hard. If you

Feel your grief is not easing at all it might be good to get bereavement counselling.

Maybe a good thing to aim for is to try and keep going as a tribute to your

Loss. Nobody would want you to suffers and you will have lots of sad days but having lost a partner nearly five years ago, I know this is differ but you will find

Joyful and happy days start to appear like flowers in the midst of your grief

Grief has no time limit so don't rush , and use all the help you can get from

Groups specific to your grief. Maybe light a candle on the anniversary to

Symbolise light, that the spirit lives on.

Please take care and I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs

Hannah