Dear all, I appreciate that this post might be difficult to answer. I am stumped myself, hence why I am asking the question. But it is now officially one year since I had an episode of psychosis. As such, I have ben thinking about it more frequently in the last few weeks. My thoughts are never really far away from what happened to me. But I have been thinking about my mental health a lot more, in the recent weeks.
I have been wracking my brain, trying to remember the origins of the psychotic episode. I am trying to think of more specific reasons other than 'stress', because in order to prevent relapse I want to know exactly what brought it on.
When I had my first consultation with the psychiatric doctor, my mum stated that I have never suffered from depression. At the time, I was undiagnosed. Even now I don't know what is wrong with me: I don't know if I am actually depressed or not. I feel as though, when other people are laughing, I am the only one who isn't laughing. But that is a slight digression.
On reflection, and thinking about the time that my mum said I was never depressed, I am now very confused. I had just moved back home after living with my grandad for a year, and I had tried to escape the arguments that were going on in my house. When I moved back, I remember thinking to myself that this is how it is always going to be: perpetual arguments, because my sister has anxiety and ocd. I seem to be rambling, but I guess I'm trying to understand whether or not I was depressed during this time. I didn't get a diagnosis.
I remember crying a lot. And I was also in my room a lot, on my own, because I was trying to escape the arguments. At the time, I thought I was fine, but these arguments were very frequent. Is it possible to be unaware of your depression? I want to know whether or not I actually have psychotic depression. Like I said, I always feel stressed...as if I am the only one who cannot laugh. I felt the same stress one year ago...I just thought it was normal.
Now, I know that I should speak to my psychiatric doctor. And I probably will speak to her in the new year. But I just wonder if I was depressed at the time of the arguments. I think I probably was...and I think I have mild depression now. I go to sleep really early because I feel a lot of stress before I go to work. And then I get high levels of adrenaline...and I just feel really sad. Am I depressed?
Thanks for reading.