I'm 20 and fed up of feeling the way I do, however I'm not sure what will help, I believe that many of the problems I have today have been as a result of my childhood.
I don't remember a time when my parents were together, and I'm unsure as to why they split up and so I feel that I have some abandonment issues due to the fact that all I knew growing up was that my father was not around, and when I was younger I used to stay up until my mother went to sleep as I was afraid she would leave me, It feels a little odd to be typing this here as I've never told anyone this before.
My mother had a boyfriend/partner for around 16 years so I've had a steady male figure in my life from an early age however we didn't particularly bond a few years ago my mother told me they were breaking up due to something she had done, and in that moment I felt I had to be strong but also I didn't fully realise the affect that having to move out of my home and leaving my dogs behind would have on me, I cried myself to sleep most nights after and I felt so angry towards my mother for taking that life away, I do understand that it must not have been easy for her either, however we don't really talk as we've never been that close I feel so bad saying this because I worry what she would feel about all of this, however I also wonder how often my mother and father think about how the way they have handled things have affected me. The relationship I have with my mother isn't particularly a strong bond, we're friendly but I've never really been able to talk about how I feel with her as I don't want to upset her and because I'm afraid that she'll dismiss these feelings that I have as some sort of 'teenage' phase.
A few years ago I broke up with an ex who was an absolutely lovely guy that didn't deserve to have been treated the way I treated him and I feel horrible due to the fact that I simply didn't believe that he loved me and so I ended it, I didn't understand how someone else could love me when my own father couldn't even be bothered to stick around(I barely speak to him these days only on B'days/christmas)
I now have a boyfriend who I'm worried will get fed up of my crying and confusion, even though he reasures me that he does indeed love me and is there for me, it somehow doesn't seem real. I'm scared to tell people how I feel incase they leave or dislike me and although I feel like such a cliche and when I write it down it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but in the moments when I feel so alone and horrible about myself it seems like I'll never get over this feeling.
I've never rebelled in any way, I don't drink and I'm in my second year of university so it looks like I'm doing good, but sometimes it's just so hard to deal with these feelings and I really have no idea what to do, any sort of help or advice from someone who has been through something like this or knows a bit about it would help me very much, thank you!