Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

[aj36]

I communicated with my mom today. As in, not small talk about the weather but letting her know what's going on in my head. I told her I feel like I should have special privileges in her heart just because I'm her daughter (as opposed to the daughter-in-law). I said: I would like to know if I have my mom on my side, on my team, to have each other's back because that is how I perceive what part of being a mother and daughter mean. That it means even if the whole world turns their back on me, even if I'm wrong, I know you'd still side me.

And then I gave her a hypothetical scenario: let's say daughter-in-law and I have a fight, and I'm in the wrong, who would you side?

She looked at me like I'm the devil's incarnation and said: I know where you're going with this, oh you're so cunning trying to trap me like that. My answer is I will side neither. I will assess who's right and who's in the wrong and handle accordingly.

And then she called me ugly names for always entertaining negative thoughts.

I felt so hurt I blurted out: mom, you're always only thinking the worst of me, always thinking from your pov. Have you ever thought from my pov? When she's upset, she gets your understanding and she gets to run back to her mother for support. And me? I have nobody. Not even my own mother is on my side. All I ever want is for someone to have my back no matter what because isn't that a nice feeling? That someone would choose you no matter what? To be there for you no matter what?

She said: I would see who is more deserving. My mother likes your father more than my brother. Is that wrong?

And right there, I knew where I stood in her heart. I don't get a special place just for being her daughter. I'd have to prove myself just like everybody else. I knew it was an unreasonable hypothetical, and I probably shouldn't have tested her like that. But I wanted to know what I meant to her because I know I'd pick her side no matter whether she's right or wrong, unreasonable or not every single time and it hurts to know she wouldn't do the same for me.

And I know at the end of the day, I felt and behaved the way I did because I feel unloved and with nobody that I can trust.

[BettyA]

Hi aj, I am so very sorry you are hurting so badly, and I know you are.

I so hope I say this all in the right way. I grew up with a mother that I could never please. I was never 'good enough'....even when I did something exceptionally well, the best she could say to me was: "well, its ok, but next time you can do better." I wished just ONE TIME I could have been 'good enough.'

Even though our situations are maybe a bit different, what I would say to you is this: NOT to defend HER but to help YOU.

Stop depending on her to say what you want her to say.... Don't do as I did, and spend most of my life trying to be 'good enough'....

You will somehow have to learn to 'LET GO' of your need for her approval...It sounds like you really need to find out about the wonderful person you really ARE...and let go of 'be on my side'....

Some people have had that luck... and still MANY others have not... and they survive. I grew up a 'people pleaser' trying to make sure others accepted and liked me! Please and accept myself??? What's that????

It might help you if you could speak with a therapist to 'get out' all the hurt and non acceptance you feel...I wish you all the luck and love in the world. You deserve the best!

[aj36 in reply to BettyA]

Hi BettyA, thank you for the advice. I'm having great difficulties letting go. Namely, I don't know how. I've read countless self-help books, quotes about letting go, but it would s just so difficult.

[Hidden]

That's a great reply BettyA.

On reading your post my first thought aj36 was it's not about whose side your mother would take, but rather about whether she loves your unconditionally whether you are right or wrong. You can still be in the wrong but it doesn't matter if you are loved anyway. Are you with me? You obviously don't feel loved but it is nothing to do with sides.

I don't know how old you are but I agree that you can't force someone to say what you want to hear. I was 19 when my mother let me down big time and I realised from then on I was on my own in life. I stopped expecting her help or approval as she obviously couldn't give it so I started looking for it outside from other family and friends.

I was always the scapegoat in my family and even my youngest sister noticed it and used to think that wasn't fair or nice. But hey ho that's life. I reminded her too much of my father whom she hated, that wasn't my fault but I had to live with and deal with it. So can you too. x

[aj36 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Coughalot2, thanks for sharing your story. Yes, I looked for love outside my family too. However, when that didn't pan out either, that's when my despair kicked in. I'm afraid to make new friends now because I'm afraid of being betrayed or abandoned again. But nobody can be alone without friends or family right? So I thought of the alternative which is death. And right now, I honestly do not know which is better.

[Hidden in reply to aj36]

Hi aj36 well death isn't better coz it's nothing is it? I agree with Maria if abandonment is an issue which stops you making friends then you need counselling to help you explore and hopefully overcome this, and any other issues you might have.

Remember too that it takes time to make good friends - and I mean time - not a few months but years. But (there's always a but) because people are human and have their own needs too, there must be some leeway in your interactions with them. You have a tendancy to see/express things in black and white when very few things are. Most are in shades of grey. We all want someone to be there exclusively for us but that's not possible for most of us and certainly not all the time. The secret is to build up a network of friends. I have certain good ones whom I go to with a problem and talk it through with them, others I enjoy their company regardless. It has to be a 2 way thing though.

I have a very good old friend (who unfortunately moved a few years ago) whom I really miss. I would just trundle round to hers and whinge and moan about life and everything. Then she would moan and whinge to me and we would end up laughing and putting the world to rights. Or vice versa.

I never learnt or knew how to make friends until my late 20's. I set myself the task of learning. I watched other people, how they behaved and interacted and learnt from them. Gradually I was able to make my own friends but it did take time and a lot of effort. . Set yourself this task love. It's well worthwhile you know and I am so glad I did it. Bev x

[Maria1971]

Hi aj

You are not in a good place right now and your mother will not be able to help you. You need to see a professional Councillor who will help you find a way through your emotions and way of thinking. Self help books don't always help sometimes you need a human being to talk to. You are focusing on your relationship with your mother but there are more underlying issues you have yet to discover. When I suffer with depression I feel paranoid about everyone even those I love the most thinking that they are using me and that they don't love me at all. Please aj get some proper professional help from your GP you can't do this alone. Trust me when I say that depression messes with your head so badly that everything is your life will look wrong.

Please get help x

[BettyA in reply to Maria1971]

Dear aj, what Maria wrote is SO very true...We can all understand what you are going through...but I believe she really hit it right on the head when she said there have got to be some other underlying issues...

PLEASE go to your dr and be upfront truthful with him like you have been with us, and ask him to direct you to a good counselor... OK? OK!! :)Medication may be called for, but the counseling is MORE important. Do that tomorrow...make the call. Please.

Big hug to you.

[Robbie138]

Hi aj, trust is an awful thing when you don't have it, I lost my trust in everyone when my mum died, it's been 18yrs now and I'm at counselling every week trying to build up my trust issues. As no matter what I did in life I always knew my mum would be there, if I was falling down she would be there, but now she has gone I feel I've no one I'm married have kids grandkids whom I love dearly, but still I have trust issues. I hope you well and you find someone professionally who can listen an help you. Take care and hugs to you x