Here we go again

Ok - so I've been off work now for 6 months with anxiety and depression.

My dosage of citalopram was increased to 40mg and I also take another AD.

About 3 months ago I decided I was starting to feel better so I took myself off the Citalpram (which I've been on since my first breakdown in 2009).

Now, however, my relationship has gone to sh*t.

My partner has taken to being frighteningly verbally abusive whey he gets drunk and locking me in his house so I can't leave. Considering my anxiety, this has caused me a insurmountable distress and contributed to the downward spiral of my mood.

I love him but the verbal abuse has been escalating for months now - he is very aggressive, confrontational, thrives on conflict and I can't take it any more.

The breaking up is so hard though (we don't live together thank GOD) - but I feel so vulnerable at the moment....lonely and fearful to the point of nausea when I'm on my own.

I resolve not to call him or answer his texts . . .but then in a moment of weakness I cave in....we talk - it's ok for a while (all he talks about is himself) but then he returns to the snippy comments - trying to make me feel guilty about things.

All my friends say I should get rid of him, which I know I should. But the pulling away from the security of our (albeit destructive) relationship is horrible - so intensely draining and hideous.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I am considering going back on the Citalopram because I just don't think I can cope any more.

Am I failing if I do this?

Much love

Bq xx

13 Replies

  • No you are not failing! your boyfriend is being horrible to you and you dont feel strong enough to move on. Hopefully the antidepressant will help

  • Thank you x It's so hard because he keeps on saying how much he loves and misses me - but when he's with me or on the phone with me he turns nasty xx

  • You are absolutely not failing by going back on your tablets. Its good that you recognised you need some help. It sounds like you will be better off single and I would think about getting some counselling so you have someone to talk through the issues with your ex x

  • Thanks Scooby - you are so right xxx

  • I know people that swear by citropram so if you feel better on it so what wishI could take it but did not agree with me but better to feel wells t were for blood pressure or diabetes you would have to take it,I think it is the stigma thing again but we have got an illness. take care xxxx

  • Don't ever underestimate the effects that someone else's drinking will have on you. Alcohol affects not only the drinker, but the people around them, too. I know that you'll be finding it almost impossible to understand how just having a drink can make him become so horrid.

    I often toy with how much sympathy a drinker deserves. One could argue that drink releases people's true personalities, in that they can't suppress their bad sides any longer. In your case, it's a clue to how he will continue to behave if you choose to stay with him. On the flip side, however, behaviour can almost be justified if it is alcohol induced depression or dementia.

    You have a right to feel safe, both physically and emotionally. I don't think you're either at the moment.

    You know that what people are telling you to do is the right thing, and Im sure you'd give the same advice to anyone else. Unfortunately you don't sound ready to hear what they're saying. That's understandable when you love someone. My guess is you're at the stage of desperately craving opportunities to be with him when he's sober. To cling on to little snippets that remind you why you liked him in the first place.

    Citalopram is just one of many treatments that will take the edge off your sadness and numb the pain a bit. What you need more though, in my opinion, is a chance to talk. Otherwise, even when you've found the courage to wak away from this chaos, his behaviour will cloud the next relationship you have. And the one after that. And so on.

    Let the Citaloprm treat the reasons you broke down in 2009, and seek counselling for the effects that your partner's drinking is having on you. If you google 'alcohol support' you'll get info on local charities and organisations. The plus side to this is that they are free and often without a waiting list x

  • Suzie thanks so much. What you say makes 100% sense. I do feel the need to talk right now. I'm undergoing CBT at the moment but believe some form of counselling would be very useful.

    I'm on a waiting list for specialised counselling regarding childhood sexual abuse which I suffered........but not sure that's going take place any time soon. Maybe I should seek an alternative for the time being.

    Thanks again xx

  • Hi Blaqueen,Well done to put yourself of one for the AD's. Please think about your past. Did you like your job. If you hang on to a job you don't like your body is sending you messages it is time to change and do what to love to do. It happened to while working in an office what I hate and I love to work with horses, but I was hanging on the job until I got dismissed. I saw this as a sign and started my small business in Equine Assisted Learning. 2. You do right not to answer calls or message, but keep a record of it and go to the police and report it. File a case against your husband and if he get close to you or continue to send messages or calls report it and he can go to jail of this breach

  • My goodness no your not failing,,, he is though,,,lol, your taking responsibility for yourself and how your feeling ,, the shock of his behaviour, can bring on depression, So take what you need at this time, feel better , feel stronger, feel great. and move on, you know this relationship is toxic, your being healthy by recognizing this.

    He hasnt<<< be strong, move your mind to a positive place, get your hair done, pamper yourself(which is moving you away from him)and his toxicity) its a addictive to cave in, and then its back to the same old same old. You have to realise ,,, you deserve better, hold you head high,,, dont let those toxic words of his, effect your strength.

    YOu have made a decision stick to it.

    There is someone waiting in the distance whos wonderfull just for you, now you have to make the space for them, to come into your life,,,,, but not while the ex is effecting a black toxic cloud over things.

    Read a book on,,loving too much,,, hoping and wishing hed change..

    It will help you to recognise these relationships and how to avoid them. and why you fell into this one, and the warning signals and how to recognise them again!!!!

    best wishes and be strong!!!

    Linda,,,ps I was in one of these too,, once!!

  • Oh Linda - your words are so kind and full of wisdom. Thank you! You're right - it IS toxic and everybody keeps telling me so. I joined the gym yesterday - something I'd given up for two years - so I have no doubt at all that is the first step to me feeling good about myself again.

    Thanks so much xx

  • Bye - the - way...just ordered that book on your advice ;) xx

  • I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years. When I met him I thought what a lovely man. But the 2 ex wives should have been a red flag as was a comment from his neighbour to the effect that any woman who lives with him deserves a medal. Also, his 2nd wife left him after only 5 months of marriage and cited one of the reasons for filing for divorce, was that he tried to change her personality.

    But I didn't take heed & moved in with him after 2 years of going out. To say that he literally changed overnight is not an understatement. He became extremely controlling & particular & anal about everything. Also very confrontational and liked picking a fight especially after a drink. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough and he never helped out with the housework or cooking etc as his view was that his time could be better spent elsewhere. But I think it was because he earned 6 figures, contributed more financially to the household (he earned more than I) and was the type of man who, if he put his hand in his wallet would expect something back in return if not in the monetary sense. Each time we went on holiday (paid for by him) the first thing he would do on entering the hotel room is insist on his sexual demands being met even though I might not feel like it!! If I said no I massive row would ensue.

    It was no wonder that my depression & anxiety, which I suffered from before meeting him, spiralled out of control. It got to the stage where I hated the sight of him, couldn't bear him touching me. I moved into the spare room which didn't go down well at all and he increased the emotional pressure on me. He wasn't interested that I was depressed and anxious - it was all about him & making sure his needs & demands were met.

    I was a confident & extremely independent person before I moved in with him. But he slowly broke me down and eroded what little self esteem I had. He broke my spirit and I became a very angry and bitter person. For various reasons I couldn't move out as much as I longed to escape his controlling clutches.

    I wasted so many years living with this bully but it is easy to look back. He was a Jekyl & Hyde - he could also be such a nice person - would buy me presents. send me flowers & tell me he loved me all the time but his other side was utterly nasty. I finally gave him the boot last year & he moved out & got a job overseas. No, it's not easy to untangle from a toxic relationship. I thought I was a strong person but when he left there was a short period of relief & then I just fell apart. I had become so dependant (not just in the financial sense) on him that I felt bereft on my own. But slowly I have recovered. I still have the depression & anxiety but it is much better now that he has gone.

    I run my own successful business, have started going to the gym again and even treated myself to a holiday last week, which I thoroughly enjoyed - something I would never have contemplated a year ago. Of course breaking up is hard & there is a grieving period which is difficult but far better than being miserable every day in a bad relationship. I can now honestly say that I would far rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.It will be easier if you have friends & family for support - I don't have this. I still have the anxiety & depression which I will probably have for the rest of my life but it is such a relief not to have to live a lie anymore.

  • You are not weak, some of us are unfortunate to be in this vile situtation and one that is repeating everyday. There is alot of domestic abuse happening and from what you say there seems to be a possibility of mental abuse. My story is similar to yours, but I will tell you the out come so far. I am damaged mentally for i don't know if I will ever be (normal), he has changed very slightly but i keep fighting and standing my ground in hope of him excepting me as I am.

    Please do not stop your medication unless advised by your GP. and if you are in danger and not happy be brave and make the next step, to your freedom.

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