Here we go again

[Incomplete]

So I'm back and once again needing support.

My mental health has gone into relapse again. I've found my 'disorder' to be rearing it's ugly head and it will not leave me alone. I try to get on with things but that just doesn't seem to happen.

I suppose I should see it this way, I haven't had to post for nearly three months. Tht is a positive right?

But then yesterday night I became suicidal, despite being offered one of the best opportunities of my life and yet I cannot seem to muster any form excitement....

[Stilltrying_]

Did this offer "trigger" you in some way? Fear of failure? Or did it just happen?

Gemma x

[Incomplete in reply to Stilltrying_]

Gemma

I don't tiniest. I think there was a tigger there in tht I've been praying for a different job and money to move out -'now I have it? What if my problematic health makes all of that fall through? I may nt pass the medical test, which then bothers me

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Incomplete]

Try not to panic about this. If you feel well enough to do the job then you probably are and maybe get some support from a friend and more information to see what the medical will involve and how you are going to manage it. I know employers can be discriminatory but it is against the law; it's a tough one knowing what and what not to disclose.

It sounds like you've had a stress reaction of all the thoughts of what could go wrong. Give your mind time to settle with these new ideas.

[Olderal]

Hello,Robin, yes that was very much a positive. From your earlier posts it is obvious that you have been blessed with great courage and strength of character to have coped with so many problems. I consider myself fairly good at dealing with depression but admittedly have had far less to cope with. You can be far more proud of having coped with far more.

I am so glad you have been offered the opportunity but I suspect that on the down side it might have triggered your negative feelings , possibly because you are afraid that you will fail to make the most of the opportunity. This fear could be masking the excitement you should be feeling. That would be normal to a greater or lesser extent in anyone offered a great opportunity.

A good sports coach would tell you to feel no doubts, to go for it whole heartedly,and to grasp the opportunity. He would be correct. That will maximise your chances. Easier said than done to those of us who are not top sportsmen but it is the only way , not least because if you then fail you can sleep easier knowing that you gave it your very best.

This opportunity is n't luck .you've earned it, don't be afraid of it now. Aren't you curious to see how well you can do ? If you don't pass the medical test then you can't help that although of course it will bother you. But don't let something you could n't help bother you too much. Minimise it in your mind.

If I carry on much longer I shall start feeling you've let me down if you don't succeed well and I'm quite vindictive so go for it and succeed well. Or else.......

Olderal

[Incomplete in reply to Olderal]

Thank you I know it seems ridiculous. It's just that well, I suppose it's a combination of my mental health having been bad. I think it's a full circular thing you know? The other day, I took a massive b line for te worse. Returned to self harm and attempted suicide. My mood is literally like a yoyp

[Olderal]

No it definitely does not sound in the least bit ridiculous. Cut the self harm . there is a good chance it could leave you even more disability. You would n't feel very good about a self inflicted disability, in fact you'd feel seriously bad for the rest of your life.

This applies even more so to attempted suicide. Apart from the effect on the people who care very much about you,not least people on this forum, it is hard to come up with a possibility where some stranger, or even worse a loved one will not be severely affected.

It could also affect me,I've told you that I'm vindictive and I don't want to get paranoid about dying knowing you will be up there. (or down there) waiting to get me. Where's your sense of responsibility ?

Much more sensible to really go for this opportunity, be fearless and give it your best shot. You might fail ,we all do occasionally,some often, but who can do more than their very best shot ? I'll settle for 98% of your best ,100% is difficult.

Olderal

[Incomplete in reply to Olderal]

Thank you,

I try to cut the self harm and stuff, really. I just... When I become unwell it is almost a certainty

[Olderal in reply to Incomplete]

Robin,someone wrote a very sensible post the other day IMO saying self harm becomes an addiction. i can understand that altho I've never self harmed . Maybe its a bit like squeezing a spot. So difficult to resist and so shameful to be caught doing it or to admit.

I don't know how to help you there but you must find a way to break this habit when stressed. I hope someone who has succeeded in breaking this habit can give you some advice on this. i can only tell you what you already know that its not good and wrong.

Maybe you can persuade your mind to think that whether you believe in a deity or not you were given your body as it is and its a mortal sin to abuse that gift. Its all you came into the world with and its yours and yours alone ,and you have a duty of care towards it. Somehow you have to convince yourself that its totally wrong.

Olderal

[Incomplete]

Oh I know it's a mortal sin. I do. I find ways to express it more and more now - like writing stories which help but don't always do it all.

[darkshadow]

I've just read your posts, Incomplete. Writing stories is a very good way of helping yourself. I write poetry when I need consolation. I'm just wondering how you are now. I see your last post was a month ago. Did you go for the challenge? Please talk to me.x.