Worries about weight and eating...

[Hannah221b]

I've had a tough few years, dealing with mental health problems and recently being diagnosed with PKD after being ill for 4 months straight. I think one of the biggest anxieties in my head recently has been my fluctuating weight - I used to be a comfy 70kg which was right around where I felt 'normal' but at my most ill last summer I went down to 59kg and I'm pretty sure my brain still can't quite appreciate that I shouldn't be as small and slim as I was when I was ill (it was at the point where I couldn't eat anything beyond crackers and water for 3 weeks straight). I'm now around 79-80kg and while I know I'm not exactly slim at this weight, I'm worried that my body image issues are already freaking me out so much. My boyfriend adores me regardless of my body weight, and to some extent I do love my body. I think I just feel like I've been trying to sort out so many things in my life this past year that losing weight and getting fitter feels kind of impossible. I eat healthily and do more exercise now than I did when I was 65-70kg. It just feels weird that I'm always going to compare myself to when I was slimmer and when I could fit into old clothes and when it was 'before' I was ill and then recovered and put on so much weight to compensate.

I don't exactly know why I'm rambling here or what exactly I'm asking for in terms of help and advice. It feels like I really want to love myself again but everything just feels a bit futile and i think my recent diagnosis and cycles of mental health problems have just made me so confused about how I should improve myself and take care of myself.

Any advice about body image, healthy eating or dealing with weight gain and loss after illness and diagnosis of diseases would be greatly appreciated!