Healthy mind despite bad relationships with people and food

[YesICan13]

Just wanted to check-in and share my progress. I started a new eating schedule where I eat only 3 times a day and of course, calorie-count my portion sizes and it is working really well. (On the weekend I eat only 2 times a day because we tend to get takeaway or eat out and have bigger portions/dessert/drinks etc.)

Fortunately, I can finally stop concentrating on food and start concentrating on other things in my life that are more important to me, like my partner, our business, my daytime job.

I'm also working on improving my relationships with my mom and my biological father whom I haven't talked to or seen since I was a kid. To be honest, talking to him is easier at the moment.

I feel a lot of judgement towards my mom because she never taught me how to use food, she never stopped me when I was over-eating (probably because of anxiety) and now she's doing the same with my little brother (he's 12). She's also constantly snacking (not willing to change it) and now my brother starts to copy this behaviour too and has gained some weight in the past few months.

I try to persuade her to give him a lesson on portion sizes, meal times etc. but I realise it's a lost battle because she's unable to do that herself.

Talking to her is very challenging because she gets really defensive and instead of seeing the problem she told me: 'you were stuffing yourself like a pig too at this age, it's normal' :(. This really hurt me because it brought back memories of body-shaming and just reminded me how awful I felt wearing bikini etc. (I even have a photo in my mind where I'm super chubby and try to hide my belly, standing next to "normal slim children" )

It's really turning me down but I will try not to get upset and help my brother as much as I can by talking directly to him

[IndigoBlue61]

First of all, very well done on changing your own attitude and behaviour around food 😊👍👏. You are not alone at all in your eating history and fat shaming.

Regarding your Mum, it’s a tough one. And very sad. Could you maybe speak to your brother yourself? Does he do any sport? The coaches and clubs often have some basic nutrition advice.

[YesICan13 Healthy BMI in reply to IndigoBlue61]

Hey, thanks for this. It really doesn't feel like much effort because I don't really allow myself to feel hungry or think about food too much. I know my next meal is in a few hours and just live with it, it works like magic.

I started talking to him more and he trusts and listens to me, so I might be able to help him develop healthy habits. I will see him during the Christmas holiday and will try to give him as much knowledge about nutrition and why we need food as possible.

I got him hooked on volleyball so he's starting trainings next year, it would definitely help.

[Sewnknit]

Sadly, you can't change other people.

You can be a good influence though, especially to your brother. If you can say that, yes, you used to snack etc. and then had a problem with your weight, or that it made you unhappy.

He's a growing boy, but needs good food. Just say what works for you.

Other children can be cruel - is bullying an issue?

One of my daughters still has weight issues, but is on top of things now - she used to hide sweets and chocolates and eat them in secret.

Good luck!

[YesICan13 Healthy BMI in reply to Sewnknit]

Thank you, I can't accept the idea that I'm not strong enough to change her, but I will have to.

My brother was really skinny up until now so he's in the very beginning of starting to look a bit chubby and gaining weight, that's why I wanted to help him before it's too difficult to go back to normal.

I'll try talking to him and hopefully, he'll listen.

[Lzlycraft]

Think about forgiving your mum to help you move on. Mum's are not perfect, I know, I am one!! Take your knowledge and experience to help you now and practice mindful eating to thoroughly enjoy your meals. Well done for cutting out the snacks, great work.

[YesICan13 Healthy BMI in reply to Lzlycraft]

Thank you, it seems so difficult at times...

Maybe because she always tried to show a 'perfect' face infornt of me and I had this image of her which shattered slowly when I grew up and could see beyond what she was portraying. It makes me angry because I also have the same way of not talking about my problems and pretending that everything is fine in front of others. This really makes my life difficult, especially with my partner.

I will do my best to forgive her, even though I can't really talk to her about those things because she gets really defensive and shuts me down.

Thank you and good luck on your journey too!

[Lzlycraft in reply to YesICan13]

You don't need to talk to her. Try working on your inner voice. If you can turn negatives into positives this may help e.g. my mum allowed me to be greedy, but this means I know about portion size and stopping when I'm full. Good luck!!!

[Edge1234 Visitor]

I think that having a healthy relationship with food and drink is 90% psychological and 10% looking at what you are consuming. I think many of us on this forum have had psychological issues with eating, drinking, our weight and shape, fat shaming etc and this will have done so much damage. Victory is getting past that and eating and drinking because you are genuinely hungry not sad, stressed, tired, feeling guilty, feeling unloved and unlovable etc etc.

Don’t be too hard on yourself YesICan13 or indeed your mother (she no doubt has the same food related hang ups) you can get past all this psychological stuff and come out a wiser and healthier person.

Good luck my friend xx