I cant believe what my dad said to me

Hello everyone,

So sorry to post this but I must get this out of my system - on the one hand I feel really angry and on the second had I feel so hurt.

As everyone here will know that every day is an up hill struggle with endless symptoms to deal with - just to recap I have hashimoto's but trouble tollerating medication, I was also diagnosed with Adrenal Fatique, Leaky Gut, Insomnia, Fibro, Candida and more recently a very early menopause which I treated with natural progesterone which resulted in Estrogen Dominace and also 'I very low bone desity very near to osteoporisis - and I am only now 35.

Anyway to cut a long story short, walking round Sainsbury's - he said don't you think your over reacting, your situation isn' that bad, all you need is a bit of progestone cream and you will be fine, your acting like a child as usual and this is effecting me. You havent got adrenal problems anymore as you can only have 3 vitamin c tablets and there is know such things as an immune condition.

I feel really hurt. If I hadn't paid all the bills and looked after him all these years i would have had enough money for a deposit to get morgage. Only last night I said I was feeling suicideal (because of the hormones and feeling so bad) and his way of dealing with that is to such such horrible things.

I can't see how this is helping my health or self esteem

52 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hi K-W, your Dad certainly isn't helping with your health or self esteem and it sounds as if you are going through a really hard time at the moment. Is he supportive in any way? He is your Dad and I guess sometimes we become children again when we are low. You have looked after him and if he can't return the favour, you may have to give him a 'wide berth' for your own sanity and take control of the situation. Filter what information you give him about how you are feeling, to protect yourself. Have you got other support networks you can call on?

  • Hello Scazzoh, Thank you for your reply. I won't be telling him anything about my health anymore. I have put up with alot from both my parents but still forgave them and bend over backwards to help them, even at the cost of my own health and yet I get treated like this. He has always been lazy and very selfish and now I must stop making excuses for him.

    I do have friends and my partner to confide in, I just feel so hurt, as he can see how much I have suffered over this miserable years, fighting to get my health back but I won't be able to do that if I keep getting all the responsibilty and all the stress and criticism from him. I am still also rather annoyed.

    Best wishes

  • Kitten-whiskers,

    You have every right to feel annoyed. In fact, it's an absolutely "normal" reaction when other people treat us in unfair way. I absolutely agree with other HU members that you need to put yourself and your own wellbeing first and prioritize your own needs and your own health. I'm glad you have friends and a partner who can provide emotional support.

    Ms_Vonnie mentioned "therapy for you" service. There is a free cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) service offered free on the NHS all over the UK. They have different names in different areas but they are usually a part of so called IAPT initiative (improving access to psychological therapies). Sometimes counselling is offered as well. CBT is really good for people who want to improve their self-esteem. In some areas people can self-refer to the service, in others a GP's referral is necessary. The best thing would be to ask your GP about it.

    Take care xx

  • Thank you Kitten, I really appreciate that. I started to feel like It was being unreasonable.

    I am using a CBT method for my self esteem - its a self help CD , I will look further in to this

    Thank you very much

  • All the best ;) Take care x

  • Dads can be a pain and I don't think they know how much they hurt us. My Dad says something about my weight every time I see him and Ive lost count of the times he has made me cry with what nasty he has said. He doesn't understand my health problems at all and doesn't seem to want to know about them. Im 57 and he still treats me like a child. I love him to bits but he does knock my self esteem and make me feel stupid at times. I would have moved out of the area we live years ago if I didn't have him to consider as he is on his own now and Id feel guilty if I wasn't around if he needs me.

  • Hello Hebden,

    Thank you for your reply. I can certainly relate to what your saying.

    Have you read the book or listened to the Melanie Fennal CD about low self esteem - I am finding it very useful. We are all differen't and should not be made to feel bad because of the way we look or if we are not al ideal weight. We sometimes have do to things "just for ourselves" and improving self esteem is a great gift to give yourself.

    Best wishes

  • Ill look up that book thanks. Best wishes back to you along with gentle hugs. x

  • Thank you Hebden : >

  • I wonder if these two fathers are actually a little afraid of illness especially ones they don't understand is hormonal.

    They think that if they ignore the illness and try to get us to take our minds off it, we will feel much better not really knowing how very unwell we feel all day every day.

    They believe that if we're taking a tablet well, what are we moaning about, other people of certain ages take pills which GP prescribes and they're fine. Not realising that for other conditions the pill may well be relieving awful symptoms but we know full well that due to the guidelines for hypo, we seem to be at the bottom of the rung of the ladder and it is a long, long way to the top and those we'd expect to be trained appear to be the least knowledgeable and many are downright cruel.

    Except if we come onto this forum where we get the sympathy we deserve and a boost to our morale!

  • Spot on as always Shaws - brillant :>

  • So true shaws. I don't know how I would cope if I couldn't come on this forum. Even if its just to read others experiences it all helps. xx

  • kitten whiskers we always hurt the ones we love and I would imagine that he is frightened as you look after him, of what may happen, why don't you bookin with 'therapy for you' its nhs and free ,I have contacted them, th e list is a bit long but its a talking therpay and may help. we love you xx

  • Hi bluepettals2, please could you elaborate a bit more on this "therapy for you", with perhaps an email address. It sounds very interesting but I having found anything on the web.

  • ms vonnie oh I am so sorry I hav e just looked at the card and its in south Essex only, but therapyfor.co.uk is the name perhaps you could ask your surgery if they do similar.

  • Thank you Bluepettals x

  • kitten what you thanking me for, I suggested that therapy and its my area only, iam s sorry but perhaps you could ask gp for similar, I would think that your dad is nasty as he is scared that you may be ill and he is in denial, thatis whati would like to think, I remeber wheni got really really ill in 2010 I had a cardboard throat unable to eat , was fainting, lightheaded, high low

    blood presure swaeting , nervous system shot, felt like I was being poisioned, I know I had adrenal crash I lost a stone in days, and my youngest son was scared but he lost patience ,he bought a load of food round and ordered me to eat , but I couldn't , I coudnt swallow, he was

    so scared I wa s going to die so I think it may be a reaction similar with your dad.

  • Hello Bluepettals, it is always the thought that counts. I appreciated you offering helpful advice.

    It sounds like you have had a terrible time of it as well, so sorry to hear that. I hope you are well now

    Best wishes

  • kitten w, iam better than iwas, it was horrific fro 2010 to 2015 but stillgot a longway to go ialso wish you well too kittenW.

  • Aw, Debs, it's a low blow. He is certainly showing his lack of understanding and sensitivity. Why does he think he knows anything about adrenal glands or autoimmune issues? Is he in pretty good health himself? Maybe that's why he is so unsympathetic. It hurts so much more when it's a family member and the close relationship makes it very much harder to deal with.

    Maybe Pettals has a good idea.

    I don't understand how the progesterone has made your estrogen worse, I just posted an article about using it to lower cortisol. I wonder why type you were using. Ray Peat thinks it should be combined with vitamin E.

    raypeat.com/articles/articl...

    I'm sure your father wants you to feel better and possibly doesn't realize how hurtful his words are.

  • Hello Heloise,

    Thank you for your helpful response. At the moment I am going by what Wellsprings have told me - they are saying it appears to be estrogen dominenace, however the chap at the hospital has said the mirror opposite - he said I have low Estrogen, so at the moment it is work in progress, i have a couple of books on order now to try and see what the hell is going on.

    I don't think he wants me better, more like in the ground. When I was feeling so bad, hormones all over the place, he starts getting really nasty - that says it all. I will Never forgive him for this, never.

    Best wishes

  • Deb, I see that Dr. mercola has posted a half hour interview with that Dr. Chaitow that you follow. I don't know if this link will work but thought if you haven't seen it you could watch.

    It's all about Candida. articles.mercola.com/sites/...

  • Thank you Heloise, very thoughtful. I have just watched this - I do think he is brillant : >

  • Maybe this is what happened.

    Since an essential mechanism of progesterone's action involves its opposition to estrogen, smaller amounts are effective when estrogen production is low, and if estrogen is extremely high, even large supplements of progesterone will have no clear effect; in that case, it is essential to regulate estrogen metabolism, by improving the diet, correcting a thyroid deficiency, etc. (Unsaturated fat is antithyroid and synergizes with estrogen.)

  • Dear Kitten-Whiskers

    So sorry to hear this. Your father's not a narcissist is he? (Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

    Hoping today is a better day for you.

    Healing hugs x

  • Thank you Dina : >

  • SO sorry that you are struggling this way and I hope today will be a better one for you.

    Men in general can be insensitive and your Dad may be worried that if you become really

    ill then who would look after him the way that you do. Perhaps with all your ongoing care

    he hasn't ever needed to think about anyone but himself and has become a selfish Dad?

    Could you step back a little for a short time and see how he reacts to that. Put yourself first

    as you are clearly not in a good place right now. Listen to your body and pamper yourself

    instead of running around making sure that your Dad is well cared for, do try to find the time for yourself right now. A carer's role isn't easy and you will need to feel well in yourself

    to cope with caring for your Dad. Maybe you should try not to be as available and he might

    just realize your worth. Sending big hugs to you right now. Take it easy if you can today. xx

  • Thank you Glo42, that is a beautiful reply. Thank you very much.

    My dad has always been selfish, that will never change.

    I have recently pulled back a bit and started trying to introduce a little fun back in to my life, nothing major - just took up a creative hobby and read some books that were for interest or simply because I wanted to, instead of it being something to learn - maybe he has picked up on that and thought I know lets give her a hard time, while she is at her most funerable. I just don't know but this has to be the final straw. I have to take control of my life somehow.

    Best wishes

  • Men often get it wrong your doctor is treating your adrenal problem so DO NOT listen to your father.

  • Thank you Glynisrose, I won't listen. I do have adrenal fatique and with all the stress and pressure - I am certain they haven't recovered fully, improved maybe.

    Best wishes

  • A lot of men can't deal with illness very well, I don't know why. My own late father said to me ( speaking about my Mum who was in hospital with cancer) "She'll just have to pull herself together!" I didn't know whether to hit him or cry.

    I sympathise with you so much in this situation. If you can't speak to him about how you feel, maybe write it down. You could hand him a note just saying you feel you deserve his support and love rather than criticism. Let him know how much it hurts you. If that doesn't improve things then you must distance yourself for your own good.

    MariLiz x

  • Thank you MarLiz, sorry to hear about your experiences, how horrible for you.

    We are not really on speaking terms, he believes he is helping my by pointing out everything that he sees as a flaw in me, which is everything, it's know wonder my self esteem is so low. I might right things down to get them off my chest but giving him a note, he would probably just laugh, as long as I am paying most of the bills, cleaning the house, doing the gardening and keeping the car on the road for him, then he will continue in his own selfish ways.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply - I really do appreciate itm as I am really going through such a tough time xx

  • He really sounds so selfish. All I can do is sympathise and send a hug. Writing it all down and even tearing up or burning the note can be helpful. You can say all you want to in the note, and get it off your chest.

    So sad to have a dad like that. Hugs MariLiz xx

  • Thank you MariLiz x

  • So, see if you can rent your own place and leave him to pay his own bills. My mum was like that and all you can do is leave. They tend to be much nicer when you are at a distance.

  • Thank you Angel of the North. Your right I do need to get away somehow

  • Be careful though, and don't try to take on anything you can't afford. Even a room in a shared house might do for starters.

  • You cannot take care of anybody else effectively unless you have taken good care of yourself first. So have no guilt or worry about putting yourself first and letting everybody else take care of themselves especially if it is an adult in reasonably good shape. Maybe reading a book such as 'You are not Crazy and You are not Alone' would help you as well.

    So take care and do something nice for yourself today 8-) x

  • Thank you Samaja - that has really helped : > I am going to look after me more, after all my body is crying out for attention. I have just booked my self in for a nice relaxing massage next week :>

  • Well done 8-) By the way. Have you ever tried any EFT (tappin)? Helps me a lot with emotional/health issues. And you can do it at home on your own whenever you like 8-)

  • Thank you Samaja, I have heard of it, not tried it yet. I will certainly look into it though : >

  • That's a great idea and could be twofold. You can find EFT on You Tube and do it along with the person. When your father sees it, he'll think you've gone a little mad, lol.

  • Im suprised I haven't gone mad with all the aggro i've had to deal with

  • Hi don't be a victim you can choose I did and have never looked back. Your Dad has been very lucky to have you around to look after him. He is being selfish and also immature.

    Please put yourself first from now on, good luck.

  • Thank you BunnyJean : >

  • It's easy for someone from the outside looking in to say hurtful things like this. Many people hear the word hormonal and just think that means something minor like a slight mood swing. It's ignorance really and I am sorry he hurt you in this way. You sound like a good daughter who has put their needs first lots. It's not too much to expect the same to be done for you, once in a while. It's almost as if he's saying you are a hypochondriac which is insulting,so do not blame you one bit for being upset and angry.

  • Thank you Katie, that was exactly how I felt, very hurt because he has seen all the suffering and all the differen't things I have tried to get better, so why say such hurtful things when I was at my lowest point.

    He has and will always be incredibley selfish, I am glad I don't take after him in that way. I am still annoyed and hurt, I won't forgive him this time. Time to say enough is enough, in as nice a way as possible

    Best wishes

  • People can say the most insensitive things sometimes, and it definitely hurts more when it comes from someone who should be supportive and caring.

    My own dad, who I love to pieces and who doesn’t normally come out with ridiculous statements, absolutely floored me recently. I was explaining how my health has improved so much recently since I’ve taken control of it myself (self-medicating and private nutritionist), and said that the last 5 years have been absolute hell on earth – it has been a constant round of hospital visits, tests, diagnoses of multiple health problems, and battling with doctors, and I felt as though I was at death’s door, mentally and physically. “Oh,” he said and, with no sarcasm meant at all, “have you been ill?” !!!!

    My mum never ever wants to hear anything about my health, good or bad, and it isn’t as if it is even something I have been ramming down their throats. I have also had to take a step back from mentioning anything to do with my health now, even though it is positive news I want to share. As a mum myself to adult children, I don’t understand how parents can be so disinterested and unkind.

  • Good morning BeansMummy, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences, how devastating,especially when you were so poorly. I am so glad your health has improved. My mum is exactly like yours, she has never asked how I am feeling, even if I look like I'm at deaths door. If I do say anything she could not be less interested if she tried. I am still feeling terrible and my dad has started this morning - claiming I'm not doing enough, so I can't want to get better - it's hard not to react, so I just agreed and walked off, I don't think I can cope with an argument.

  • This is so hard, at a desperately hard time for you, k-w.

    Ponder this; how would it benefit your dad to change ? He is too set in his ways, used to being the centre of your universe and nothing you do now at his age is likely to change that. So. You can't change how he reacts to you.

    What you need to be fully in control of is how you react to him. If that means distancing yourself, go ahead - it sounds to me as if you have repaid his childhood care in spades already...there comes a time when you have to square your shoulders sometimes and say, or think, at least... 'That's it. We're all paid up here. I owe you nothing and if you can't behave decently, well, jog on, mister.' That we don't apply the same rules to our family that we do to everyone else is amazing and ultimately can be very corrosive, for some.

    Are you an only child ? Have I missed that on your thread ? What do your siblings do to help if you have them ?

    Forge on, k-w :)

  • Hello Rapunzel,

    Thank you very much for your advise, of course you are right, I need to some how move out, so that maybe he will realise all that I do and pay for, maybe then he won't be so quick to criticise.

    I am an only child, and hand on heart I believe that my horrible & very stressful unbringing has made way for this awful condition that I am battling with.

    I must turn my life round somehow

  • Hi Rap,

    You are so perceptive to realize that Kitten-whiskers may be an only child

    J 🍀

You may also like...