Where would I be? What would I do? Where would I go? What would I find? What would I think? What would I be?!
Lost and alone, adrift and at sea, no-one to turn to, no-one to care but that last part is not true as some do care. Hard as I find it to believe, some people actually do care about me. Why? Why? Reminds me of when I was much younger and why seemed to be the only word I knew. Are all children like that? Why does one adult find it so very hard to believe that some others do care about another adult?
Today, after nearly 8 years, I seem to have found some inner peace. Peace that comes with the knowledge that I didn’t kill one of the most or perhaps that should be thee most important person in my life. I know now that what I did all that time ago was because I loved so very much the person who I did it to. I now firmly believe that not only did I wish to stop their suffering but they also wished and wanted the same. It was their time to go and I now accept that and hopefully for me, I can look to the future without being haunted by the past. I firmly believe that they are with their soul mate and perhaps looking down on me telling me to accept the friendship of all you people and not to be so bloody stupid as to alienate you all by my lack of trust, caution and everything else which makes me reluctant to believe that people do want to be my friend. I have never before had the pleasure or experience of so many hands being held out in friendship. Actually, I have never had any friends let alone a best friend and confidant – acquaintances, yes but only a few but friends I can honestly say no, never ever and I would be even more stupid than I usually am to ignore what is being offered and so to each and every single one of you I say, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. I am humbled by your offers of friendship and I will try my level best not to engage my mouth before my brain is in gear and thereby let any of you down and I will try my hardest to be as good a friend to you all as you have been and hopefully will continue to be to me. I wish I knew the words to tell you how much your friendship means to me but regrettably, for once, believe me, I am truly lost for words.
Apart from two hiccups, I am now on my 43rd day and what a day. Weather wise is started so promising with Mr. Sun and Mr. Blue Sky battling so see who could be the brightest. Now unfortunately the wind has come back and the sky is grey but no rain at the moment so fingers crossed it stays that way. Am having two days holiday from work (YIPPEE!!) so to celebrate I didn’t get out of bed until 6.45 am this morning so had a lovely lie in. Walked the dogs a bit further than usual so that was a treat for them and me as exercise is definitely good for me and breathing fresh air is just wonderful. I had managed over the weekend, whilst the other half watched, football, rugby, football and yet more football, with snooker in between (oh well at least I know where he is and what he is doing!) to get the back and front gardens tidied. Cut my fuchsias back and generally got rid of the weeds that had dared to grow in my little gardens. Thankfully, don’t have grass any more back or front so brushed the pebbles just to make it look nice and hey presto, gardens done. I’m amazed considering the weather we have had as to just how much new growth there is on most of the stuff in my garden so at least now I know that Spring is well and truly here and hope we get a good summer. Went to the local tip this morning to get rid of the rubbish and called at the shop for the local paper as his team won on Saturday and he wanted to read the report. Home again to a cup of tea and he’s now watching the snooker again and I’m busy typing away for posting on the forum later on.
I've done a lot of thinking over the past 24/48 hours and would like to share those thoughts with you all. I was 58 a few weeks ago and since the age of 13/14, I have been a smoker. I have now decided that I do not wish to smoke anymore and I am determined that whatever I have to do to achieve that I will do. Yes, I have been silly and some would say stupid by, on two occasions, having a couple of puffs of a cigarette but no more, definitely, positively no more. I have told himself that from now on he smokes in the back garden not on the step and that the ashtray also lives there as well and that if it’s raining (or snowing!) that is just his tough luck (wonder if he needs planning permission for a smoking shelter?!). That all things associated with smoking, e.g. lighters, cig packets, etc., are to be kept in his coat pocket or pockets because if I find anything lying around, I will, immediately if not sooner, deposit any of the said items in the black bin. I have told him also that the road us non-smokers travel is hazardous enough without any more obstacles being deposited on it and if he loves and cares for me as much as he says he does, then he will try to help me even though he doesn’t wish to accompany me on my journey.
What else have I thought? Oh yeah, this journey we are all on. Well I think we all know that it is a long one and an extremely difficult one but together we can do this. I got to thinking that it’s like going on a really straight road which has just the occasional turn off and sometimes that turn off can be the wrong turning so to speak. We need to keep to the straight stretch which can be sometimes extremely difficult. Let’s face it life is difficult but life without cigarettes is very or should that be extremely difficult. Hard fact, life was and still is never easy but we have made it so far so it would seem obvious to me that where there is a will there is a way. From now on, if I find myself wavering on the straight road, then if I’m at home, firstly will do one of EmJay’s brilliant breathing exercises and secondly will then go on the forum and shout about it to everyone. Now if I’m at work, I will first and foremost, do one of the breathing exercises and secondly I will write it down to type up and put on the forum later.
Now that all seems perfectly OK and reasonable but what if it’s really bad? Well, personally, I will think back to Saturday, yesterday and today. About how it made me feel knowing that I had to face everyone and admit what I had done. One thing it has done is make me realise just how lucky I have been in that I have only experienced two very black days and have been luckier still in that I have only had a couple of puffs of a cigarette. My heart really does go out to those who have had a full cigarette or even more. To climb back up from that takes real guts and determination and I have so much admiration for those who have done so. I should really thank my lucky stars more than once as it is definitely a case of ‘there but for the grace of I know not what, go I’.
I ask myself the question “Why am I putting myself through this?” I think everyone’s answer will be so very different. For me, one of the main factors is my health as it is so much better for me not to smoke. Another reasons is money as it will enable me to retire early or earlier (the sooner the better actually!). There is also the knowledge that I want to prove to myself that I can and will do this. So, in essence, the reason I am putting myself through this is because I, me personally, want to stop. I am doing this for me, not for anyone else, just me and if I can help others to do it at the same time then that is just brilliant!
We have all faced tough choices in our lives, some of us have faced bigger and tougher choices than others but we have made it through the dark and horrible times and come out into the light perhaps as better people. It is never easy to make any decision but the decision we have made to unite on this forum to quit smoking is probably one of thee biggest of our lives. It is definitely in the ‘big and tough’ league and is most certainly life changing. Let us be honest and frank about smoking, it has been a way of live for most of us since what seems like time began and when you are so comfortable with something the thought of it not being there is absolutely horrendous and/or devastating. How will we survive? How will we think? How will we function? How are we going to live without feeding our addiction? Can we cope? Can we survive? Can we be strong enough to live without cigarettes? Do we feel able to do this? Do we feel able to cope without nicotine? Will we still function? Do we feel that it will change us? The answers in order of the asking are – we will survive because as human beings we have an instinct to survive. We will think much clearer without nicotine and other chemicals fogging our thoughts. We will function so much better without infusing ourselves with chemicals that will harm us. We will live without feeding our addiction because we will still eat, drink, sleep, etc. Yes we can cope, it will be hard, sometimes very hard and sometimes extremely hard, but we can do this. Our survival instinct will kick in and we will definitely be OK. We are strong in mind, character and physically so to live without cigarettes is definitely doable. Only you can decide if you are able to do this at the present time but we will all help you wherever and whenever we can. We coped without nicotine before we smoked so we can definitely cope without it again. We will definitely still function and more than likely better than we did with all the chemicals inside us. It can only change us for the better – health, wealth and self! Our health will definitely improve and our wealth will most certainly improve and our self-worth, well I think we all know the answer to that one don’t we?
I feel that the time is right and good for me to kick this horrible habit once and for all. There may be times when I doubt myself and I find myself struggling but knowing all of you are there for me makes it so much easier and I really do feel that this time, I will succeed. No more puffs of the odd cigarette – the cravings will be banished by something else probably whatever seems appropriate at the time but come what may, I will be here for all of you as you are here for me.
Thank you my true friends – you have made this person so happy I could sing but my singing is definitely, positively worse than my blogging and I wouldn’t inflict it on my worst enemy so am certainly not going to inflict it on my (new and most precious) friends.
Stay positive. Look forward don’t look back. We are all in this together and together we can and will do this! One for all and all for one.
Have a good evening everyone.
Take care and bye for now.
Butts
PS Got the kettle on a low light so if anyone gets thirsty reading then just holler and I may even dig some biscuits out as well after all, a drink is too wet without, isn’t it?
even when I've had a couple of cannies 
I made a new friend yesterday 
Happy Easter to all my cyber friends !
MONDAY - DAILY CHAT - 19/05/2014
Day 1 - Quit 1.5 hours ago
