After 3 weeks smoke free.. I went back to it again!! It's hurting and I hate myself!

I feel terrible! I succesffully stopped for 3 weeks and felt so much better, with more energy and high self esteem.. However, after the 3 weeks, I got the terrible shocking news that my dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread to the bones..(he stopped smoking 35 years ago!!). The shock was so severe, seeing him in pain... that instead of making it easier for me to stay off the cigarette, I went back to smoking again!!! I am disgusted with myself and feel so low! My self esteem's gone out of the window for I've got no excuse to do something which is killing him..... I had a good cry on Tuesday this week and it might have helped as I feel a bit stronger and want to try again as I know it can be done. I will carry on reading your posts as having just found out about the site, I can see the benefits of sharing our journeys, as damn, this is not easy!!

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  • i am on 10 days of not smoking which has been difficult. My mum has small cell lung cancer which is terminal i found out last July. Even thou my life is very stressful i will try my hardest not to smoke again

  • Dear tcc56, sorry to hear about your mum.. it's such a traumatic life changing event for her as well as those who love them. You've done well so far! and they always say that the hardest stage is at the beginning... I want to believe that..... and I'm sure your mum is so proud of you! this is why I feel so s**** for smoking as this is the last thing I should be doing! This little monster of addiction is hard to defeat! but I've read in one of the blogs that I need (we need) to tell it to go and get lost! My dad had his first chimio on Monday 1st May (the day of his birthday as well!!!) Well, let's hope it's a good omen... Carry on the good work!! and my thoughts to your dear mum

  • Hi Cilia, please don't hate yourself, you are doing exactly what many people in your position would do. It really must be a difficult time for you and understandable that you are feeling quite low in your self esteem.

    Please stick around with us and let us try and take some of the burden away from you by helping you out. Just as long as you are in the right frame of mind for it.

    You managed to go 3 weeks without smoking which really is good. Following the news of your dad and going back to smoking again, have you found that you are smoking more, the same or have only had a couple?

    If you wait for the right time to stop smoking, you can wait for ever, however, sometimes you just might need to 'get your head around' everything thats happening for you at the moment.

    Having a read through the posts will hopefully give you some inspiration and help you to feel better.

    Let me know if and when you are ready and you can bet your bottom dollar that we'll all be here to support you :-)

    Big Hugz...

  • Hi Emjay, following the news of my dad, I started smoking more and with a careless kind of frame of mind, almost wanting to do me bad! it's been 3 weeks now since I've started again but I have been smoking less other the last couple of days, knowing that I want to get back on track. I can feel that my mood is getting better. The cloud is shifting slowly. I feel the love coming from all the answers and comments I've been reading and this site and I believe it is so important. Tuesday 8th May should be the day! as I really want to be free from this addiction!

    Thanks for your message

  • Hi Cilia, Tuesday 8th May is a fantastic day to aim for :-)

    Glad to hear that you are feeling better.

    Just to help you get started, I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago that I'm sure will get you thinking. If you click on the following link it should take you there;

    quitsupport.healthunlocked....

    If the link doesn't work (I'm still learning!) then please just type 'Understanding where you think smoking satisfies you' in the search box in the top right hand corner.

    Cilia, we're here to help you get to where you want to be. It won't happen overnight, but together we can do this :-)

  • Hi Cilia, welcome to the site. Sorry about your dad. it sounds very similar to what i went through with my dad . If you read my blogs you will see it took me 15years to decide to quit. At least you are not waiting all that time. Dont feel bad about yourself, you will have mixed emotions , about your dad, and quitting smoking. This site really is friendly and keeps me focused. Give your dad a hug from me. I always remember my dad saying to me I love you and you love me and thats all that matters. How true are his words.

    jillygirl.

  • dont be mad with yourself this must be my 100th try ill still keep on six weeks now got electronic cigs they very good.sorry bout your dad lost my mum to lung cancer. get them fags start again when you ready god bless lynn

  • Hi Cillia, I'm Pete I lost my Dad to cancer a year last Febuary, i went to live with him in his last few months, which was when i managed to quit smoking, but the last couple of days he had left got far far to much for me to take, so i started smoking again. So dont you ever feel terrible about it gal, my heart goes out to you and your Dad with big huggs, and like the gals have said we are all here to help, this is a great site, and everybody is so friendly, luv ya.

    Pete :)

  • Hi cilia,

    My thoughts are that one thing cigarettes don't do is make life's problems go away (in fact they create even more through cancers and heart attacks which is how my dad died).

    Be positive and give yourself a break even if it takes more than one go to finally quit you are doing something good for yourself.

    I have tried to stop quite a few times once even for 4 years. It can be a really powerful addiction ..... I stopped 5 weeks ago because my grandchildren told me off..... They made me think ..... What if they copied me!

    My list of things that are keeping me motivated (well some of them)

    My grandchildren and their future

    My health

    My bank balance

    I smell nicer

    The days seem longer more time to do other things

    I'm not giving the government more tax

    Not sure if you have written yourself a list, I find it helps.

    Take care

    Jane

  • Hey Cilia, I hope you are feeling much better today.

    So many positive comments here for you and as you can see quite a few of our lovely members have been or are going through similar.

    Please take good care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on. We're here to help.

    :-)

  • Thank you so much for all your positive and uplifting comments to Jane, Pete, Lyndelou, Jilly, tcc56 and Emjay..

    Well, I didn't make it on 8th May and I'm still smoking :( .. I keep it to a minimum and don't smoke when I'm at work (9 to 5). I feel a bit stronger than 2/3 weeks ago but can burst into tears so easily still..so I don't want to give myself too much to bare at moment. The date was too soon I think ;) @Pete..

    But I want to do it and will do it! maybe not just now... C xx

  • Hey Cilia, we'll be here to support you as and when you are ready. Just give yourself the time that you need and then give us a shout and we'll help you to plan your way to a smokefree future.

    Take good care of yourself :-)

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