Now before I even start this blog, you will all probably have already guessed that just when you thought it was/you were safe, you have already realised I’m back and with a venegence and I'm in fine voice and fettle – I have joined this forum yet again, for the third time, and I am hoping against hope that this time I will remain as badpenny for keeps and and what I also know is that this time, my quite is for ever and ever.
Whilst I have been away, I have done an awful lot of thinkingand deep thinking at that and with the help and assistance of an extremely good friend, I have changed not just on the outside but on the inside as well. I am a lot happier inside so that has affected how I look on the outside. I am more at peace with myself and calmer in a lot of things that I do or don’t do as the case may be. I have stopped beating myself up on a daily basis and have become more positive and my whole outlook on life has definitely changed for the better and therefore my life has improved to boot. I am more relaxed and able to take the stresses and strains of life without crumbling and sinking into a depression that was a big black hole that I couldn't get out of and I can not stress enought how the new me is better and good just how much better I feel is impossible to describe. Just goes to prove, a change is as good as a rest.
So, for those of you who want to, read on and for those of you that don’t, then do something else like read a book or make a pot of tea or coffee, whichever you prefer but have no doubt about it, blogging helps me and if what I say is painful for you to read then simply don’t read it. No one is forcing you to, least of all me and I’m not even gonna try and persuade you to read my ramblings because when all is said and done, I do them for me not you and they help me and probably not you so yaa boo sucks if you don’t like them or me come to that that’s your problem not mine and just DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER PRESS THE BACK KEY ON YOUR COMPUTER KEYBOARD AND DO SOMETHING ELSE. Your loss! Or maybe you see not reading as a gain, whatever, your choice.
Although I haven’t been on the forum as a member, I have still occasionally looked at the forum and read some or should I say the majority of the posts and I have to say that some of what I have read is not an aid to quitting smoking. Far from it, it seems that quitting is the last thing that any one talks about but I need and want to talk about it, so I shall.
Who rules? Strange title but for all its strangeness, I do feel that it is so very, very relevant to this site because we are basically talking or writing if you prefer about something that has ruled our lives for days, weeks, months and even years and I don’t just mean smoking itself but also quitting of the said addiction because one of the things I have learned is that it is NOT a habit it is, whichever way you look at it, a full blown life threatening addiction.
We all know that there are rules on this place/planet called earth but as far as I am aware, and I am sure that someone will tell me if I am wrong, there is no rule that says we have to smoke. By the same token, there is no rule that says we shouldn’t or if we do, that we should quit. There are two sides to every coin of the realm and depending on your viewpoint, depends on how you look at life and what it actually means to you. You can flip it and things may change or they may not. Flip it and things may change for the better but they can also change for the worse. There are two things that we have to understand, there is life and there is also death. If we were to have a vote then I’m quietly confident that the majority (99.99%?) would vote for life as no one wants to think about dying and I especially don’t want or enjoy thinking about it at all but we should because we are slowly but surely with every single cigarette we smoke chipping away at our lives and hastening our deaths.
We all like to feel that we are in control of our own life and perhaps you could even say the same thing about our destiny but are we in complete and total control? The answer I think is a definite NO because whether we smoke or are on an attempt to quit we are TRYING to be in control but finding it very hard, very difficult, or impossible or a combination of those three things and possibly more because as individuals, we are all so very different but so alike in so many ways.
Who rules? Just ask yourself that question and what answer do you get? I have no doubt that there will be many and varied answers because as I have said, we are all so different but for me, at this moment in time, who rules me, is Mr. Cigarette. I don’t mean Mr. Nic, I mean the cigarette because it is that thing, piece of paper with a filter and tobacco and we all know what else, that contains the drugs that make my life at times intolerable and miserable. Intolerable because I don’t want to smoke and miserable because I do! Yes, there are two sides to my coin but both are bad, bad, bad.
I went to a car show yesterday evening and up until driving there, I hadn’t smoked all day. On arrival at the show what is the first thing I did – yep, you’re right, lit a fag. Why? A very poor excuse but my excuse is I had never driven this car before except earlier that afternoon when I went once round the block. It’s a beast and also a beautiful thing but was not cheap to buy and is admired by many. There were literally hundreds of cars at this show and even more hundreds of people and the queues to get in were long. It was very hot in the car even with the sunroof and windows open and the sun was coming straight through the windscreen on to my legs which were burning but I couldn’t move as I was driving. To explain, my other half was driving the other show car hence me driving the beast! By the time I had parked up, I was a nervous wreck and so the first thing I reached for was a cigarette. My own fault, I had been asked to take a new packet in my handbag for himself and the temptation was just too much and I opened it and then cadged a light off one of the many visitors to the show that was smoking. Foolish – yes. Daft – yes. Did I enjoy it – a resounding NO but we’ve all been there, and we all know that one is fatal because it just makes you want more and so, same old, same old, I had more.
So today, I have decided that yet again, I am going to take charge of my life – me – not a cigarette but me and this time it is definitely permanent. No ifs, buts or maybes this is thee day that I have waited for and planned for and it is going to happen because today is the day that I have set my new quit date and no matter what, I will do this and will take back control of my life for ever and ever.
With my new found peace and happiness, I know I can do this and in all honesty, I do not care whether anyone helps me or not because I am so determined and nothing, but nothing, will side track me nor make me give in to smoking another fag which is purely a cancer stick and is most definitely NOT a crutch/aid to calm/aid to pleasure et al. In fact, I may even hold a funeral for my ciggies because that is what they will lead to if I don’t stop – my funeral!
This time, it will be different I can feel it and I just know that it will happen and I do so agree with sinfree that nrt is not for me nor is anything else that feeds me nicotine because I totally concur with the statement she made saying that we are just replacing one habit for another habit albeit the second option is not nearly as fatal as the first but it is just as addictive as far as I am concerned. If nrt or e-cigs works for others then that’s great but all I can see is the fact that if you use either firstly you have to conquer what I would call proper smoking then you have to conquer quitting either nrt and/or e-cigs. Whether it be e-cigs or nrt or a combination of the two, as another battle and I don’t want to fight another battle after winning the first one because I want to enjoy my new found freedom and happiness – the thought of a second battle is one of the things that makes me NOT want to use them even if I could!
I have recently read the Allen Carr book and whilst I am not saying that I totally agree with everything that he has written he does make some valid points and also a lot of what he says is such common sense that I can’t understand why I hadn’t thought of it myself but the old saying of you can’t see the wood for the trees does spring to mind. It is actually a very interesting book to read and I have re-read some of it on more than one occasion and I do feel that as he used to smoke 60 a day on a good day and 100 a day on a bad day he has the knowledge and some of what he says is extremely relevant and not once, in the whole book, does he talk down to the reader. I must stress that like nrt and e-cigs, his way is not the way for everyone and whilst I do not intend following the book to the letter, I do feel that it is a great aid to my quitting.
If I want a fix or to have a low because low is how cigs make you/me feel, then I will find something else that will give me a totally different feeling – a high and euphoric feeling that is without the addiction/consequences of a cigarette. What will this other fix be? Well, at this moment in time, I don’t actually know but what I do know is that I fully intend having fun and being happy whilst I find out!!
I apologise if I have upset anyone on the site but to quit we have to do battle and the new me does not see the point in trying to please all of the people all of the time because it’s me that is important and I’m sorry if that offends but it is the truth. My war, my battle and I have to fight the best way for me and I will say it again, whether you’re with me or against me, I don’t really care and whether you give help or you don’t, I also don’t care, the new me knows that I CAN do this and because of that, I WILL DO IT!!!