These are probably the hardest words I have ever written – as I type them, I am saying them to myself very softly because I am doing something now which I should have done a long time ago.

I have had a message from a member and I have responded to that message with a personal (or as near to personal as you can get when your only contact is through the internet) reply.

I respect that messages are private between the sender and the receiver but the contents of the message have really brought home to me exactly what I am doing and the damage and harm that this may be causing not just to myself but more importantly to others who say that they are my friends. If you have me as a friend, then you don’t need enemies – read on and you will see exactly why I say this.

I keep going away from the site and then coming back. Why? Because I want people to notice me and miss me.

I write the longest blogs. Why? Because I think it impresses people and makes me appear brainer than I actually am and it means that people spend longer reading something I wrote even though it may be totally stupid and boring.

I ask stupid questions. Why? Again, because it makes people notice me.

Why is everything I write so long? Because I want people to like me and the more I say the more I hope they’ll like me.

I could go on and on in this vein but will stop at just these and try to explain why I am this way.

I have been married for 39 years. I love my husband very deeply. He is not just my husband but he is also my best (and probably only) friend. He is my soul mate. I cannot imagine my life without him. We did not/do not have any children. I have one sister who I have only seen twice in the last 15 years (10 years ago at my Dad’s funeral and 5 years before that at my Mum’s). My husband has no brothers or sisters. Neither of us have any close family (apart from my sister but like I have explained we are not close). Moved from my home town when I got married so have a few (and I do mean few) acquaintances but no friends. My husband has friends from both football and his love of cars. Very rare do we go out except to the occasional 60’s concert. My life has always revolved around my Mum and Dad and my husband and solely my husband since the death of my parents.

My Dad was ill for quite a long time before he passed away but more importantly, he died because of me. When he was in hospital I was asked by the consultant about reviving my Dad should he have a heart attack. I said no, not to revive him. He had a heart attack and due to my instructions they did not try to revive him and he passed away before I could get to the hospital. My Dad died because of me – I think about him every day and miss him so very much and I just wish I could turn the clock back because if I could it is possible that he might still be here with me and for me. He would have been 91 last month and my Mum would have been 94 in October. They would have been married for 64 years earlier this month. There is not a day goes by when I don’t think of them individually and together. I so wanted them to be proud of me and I know that daft as it sounds, they would be proud of me now as I am telling the truth.

I just want people to like me. I have been able to interact if that is the right word with the people on this site when I just don’t seem able to do this with people when I meet them face to face. Even the wife’s of my husband’s friends seem to find me abhorrent to be with and I don’t know why, I just wish I did. My husband keeps telling me I try too hard to be accepted and make friends and I should just be natural and myself but I honestly don’t know that I’m doing anything different to normal but he says I do but can’t seem to make me see/understand what I do/am doing wrong.

I have now done 32 days without smoking but today or should I say tonight, when I have posted this, I am going to go outside and have a cigarette. I will almost certainly regret it but I really do want that nicotine and I possibly deserve to die a horrible death.

Do not judge me too harshly – I am sorry for any upset and/or pain I have caused any of you. Forgive me if you can but I have to forgive myself first and that is extremely hard (actually knowing I killed my Dad it is actually impossible to forgive myself).


14 Replies

  • Buttons don't know how to send a private message but would like to if you let me know how. Many of the things you said I will an relate to especially your dad and the friends issue If you will let me I would like to tl you my story suecx

  • Hi Suec :)

    If you want to send Buttons a private message,

    left click on her picture ( yellow one )

    That will take you to her profile,

    Then go down to - send me a massage - left click on that,

    then write your message to her :)

    Buttons will only be able to read it :)

    Pete :)

  • Hey Buttons

    It doesn't matter to me, I mean, of course it matters to me that you are suffering so much, but what I read from you on this site, as my virtual friend is all I need to know, that you, like me, are very, very human. I like you, I often don't like myself very much either, it's something Ihave to battle with sometimes, like battling to stay quit smoking! Life is sooooo complicated, so we have to keep it as simple as we can, when we can.

    I really like your blogs, I don't think they are pretence, I am pleased and happy to hear you through them. That's enough, I like them and I like you.

    If you can, stay with us. If you've had a fag, you've done no more than very many of us, it doesn't mean you have to quit quitting. See how you go.

    Have you got a stp smoking clinic with a sop smoking ciunsellor in your neighbourhood? I am lucky to have a really good one, who listens and gives me good advice, and I trust her. I can talk to her about anything, and do. If you have, go and see, and talk to them. What do you think?

    I am pleased to know you. Thank you.

    I hope you can just feel OK tonight, don't beat yourself up, be kiind to you, and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will take care of itself.


  • Buttons, we have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall to easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies :)


  • Buttons, what are we going to do with you eh :o

    Rite Butts, you say your dad was ill for quite a long time, do you think he enjoyed being ill !! no of course he didnt, so you see, you did him a favour in the end, by letting him enjoy his rest in piece :)

    My dad too was ill for about 6 months with cancer, so I went to live with him, I watched him deteriorate over the months, in the end he had to go into hospital and was on these drips and things to keep him alive, he did not like it one little bit, I tell you, so my sisters and I managed to get him into the nursing home that my mam is staying in :)

    Although he could hardly talk, you could see it in his face, that we had made the rite decision, and although he only lasted a day and a half, I ''know'' he would have preferred that, to a week, a month, or so in hospital :)

    So you see Buttons, you probably did your dad a big favour, by not letting him suffer for longer than he needed to :)

    You have to ask yourself, ''why'' did the consultant ask you about reviving your dad!! because he new your dad was suffering !! so myself, I think you made the rite decision :)

    Buttons, you have a couple of fags if it helps gal !! but youve got to get it into your head, that you helped your dad :) to stop him from suffering, and being in pain, eh :)

    Nite nite Butts, dont leave it to long before you come back to us, eh :o

    Pete :)

  • Hi Buttons,

    I lost my Mum last year in May. I was her full time carer and I got up to find her lying on the floor in the lounge, she had had a fall and bumped her head on the coffee table. For a long time I blamed myself, if only I had got up earlier, moved the table, made sure she had got to bed safely etc. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that this was not a good way to think and would definitely not be what Mum would have wanted of me. You cant undo the past. Mum was 89 and was laughing and happy up to the last and did not suffer in any way.

    Tertiary care is so so difficult because its end is ultimately inevitable, all we can do is our best for those we love deeply. I'm sure you did your absolute best for your Dad. You could say that I don't know you well enough to say this but I strongly believe that people are all fundamentally good, look at how everyone here bands together to help each other.

    Anyway, Mum was fiercely independent and would have bitten my head off if i had tried to mollycoddle her!!!!

    Hope this helps


  • Thank you very much everyone of you for your support - I don't deserve it but am very comforted by it.

    Honesty is the best policy and I have always been honest on here so here goes.

    I've even made a b***ls of smoking as my other half had hidden his packet of cigs and refused point blank to give me one saying I would hate myself afterwards so I took some rubbish to the bin and raided his ashtray. Managed to find one that had about 5mm of ciggie left but couldn't light it properly as it was so small but that didn't stop me trying and I think I eventually succeeded or perhaps it was just the taste from the filter, I don't know but talk about stupidity and still can't quite believe that I've just thrown 32 days away but I have. I am so well I don't know what word describes it but I just can not, I honestly can not, go back to day 1 and start again so a smoker I will be. How could I be so stupid? Quite easily. Do I feel like I have smoked a cigarette? No actually I don't but I must have as I put a light to it. Can I go back to day 1 and start all over again? No I'm sorry I just can't face that - firstly I'm not strong enough and secondly why bother?

    My other half is still refusing to give me a ciggie this morning but he doesn't go to work with me so I am going to buy a pack a bit like an old blog of mine really but the shop won't be shut today and besides, if he would give me just one, I would not have to buy 10, so it's his fault..

    I wish each and every one of you success in your quest to be a non-smoker but I'm just not strong enough to do it with or without you as this comment proves - 32 days and I still reach out for a ciggie.

    I am so sorry that not only have I let myself down but I've let you all down as well and please know that I really, really do feel awful, upset, (I did my crying last night so no tears left now), and I am such a stupid person and do not deserve your support or sympathy but thank you for your friendship over the last 34 days.


  • Buttons,

    First of all let me say that its really important for you to focus on and think about all those cigarettes that you haven't smoked.

    You've come such a long way and it would be such a shame if you gave up now.

    Have another read through all the supportive posts and comments that you have received from everyone. They are offers of true and genuine support. Support from other people who understand what it is like to travel along the path of the stopping smoking journey. Members who have supported each-other whether they have stopped smoking straight away, stopped and started, stopped and started again or even supporting those who are not yet ready to brave the decision to set a quit date. True and genuine support from other true and genuine people.

    The way you are feeling now happens to many others too when they stop smoking.

    Have a think about what you really want for yourself and your good health. I can almost certainly promise you that once anybody makes the decision to stop smoking and then goes back to it again, they always have it somewhere in their mind that they will set another day to quit again. Until they set another date then this is something that always niggles at them every time they have another smoke.

    Maybe you feel that the time isn't right for you just now, sometimes there are the 'wrong' times to decide to quit - However, if you wait for the 'right' time, you may wait for ever.

    I really hope that whatever you do today, whether you smoke or not - That by the time you have read all these supportive comments, you can make the decision that you feel you need and want to.

    At the end of the day, we are here to support you to stop smoking and we will do this all in YOUR own time not ours.

    Remember to focus on all the cigarettes that you haven't smoked. Think about it... How many did you smoke daily? Count this up over 32 days. You've done ever so well so far... :-)

  • Hiya Buttons

    Sometimes we try to make friends with the wrong people, we cannot get on with everyone and we have to face the fact that not everone likes us. You cannot be that bad, you have a loving husband!

    As for the smoking, lighten up on yourself please! One swift drag does not mean you have to go back to day one, it merely means you have had one puff in 30 odd days. If you were dieting and you had a choccie bar would all the weight you have lost suddenly reappear so you had to go back to day 1? NO! And the same applies here

    Good luck and stay strong x

  • Ah me!!!

    Thought lots about you today Buttons, and just sending lots of well wishes to you. I wish I were perfect too, but I never will be, I am just me, warts, baggage and all, we all are, and it isn't easy. Try and enjoy the things you can.

    Got a terrible craving and raided the ashtrays, car and house, 10 mins ago. Rooted through cupboards! Nothing. All empty!!!!! I am glad, really

    Chewing/Sucking mightily on my inhalator at the moment, getting through this moment, going to get busy on something....

    This is not my first attempt, hope it will be my last, but like you say Emjay, I am counting the ones I haven't had, and my chest feels so much better, and my sinuses, after only 10/11 days, that's something really good.

    Thanks for being here Buttons and everyone. It helps :)

  • Hi Betts.

    Hope the craving has passed. They are terrible the way they sneak up on us.:X Glad there was no "stash" to be found. :-) You are a star and doing really well.:-) :-) :-)

    I quit about the same time as you. I am honestly surprised that I have no tried to cheat and I think my friends are too. :o

    Been doing loads of cross stitch to keep my hands busy. Out to dinner tonight with partner and close friend both of whom do not smoke and never have. :-)

    Tomorrow is a party at the local for a dear friend and all my old fellow smokers will be there. It's funny that if I am with them they apologise to me when they go out for a fix. It doesn't bother me, I just chose not to smoke. :-)

    Stay strong you are doing so well! :D :-)

    Sue xx :-)

  • Thanks so much for your kind words and support, they mean a lot to me.

    Certainly am glad there was no 'stash' :)

    Your cross stitch got me to thinking. I can't do cross stitch, but I love fiddling about altering and adding to clothes, so that's what I did. Got me a short dress for my holiday now, made up from a long one I never wore anymore, and a bit altered. It has kept me happily occupied all afternoon, that and packing.

    You have probably gone out for your dinner now. I hope it's a good one, and you have a great night. You have some good friends there too :) to see tomorrow.

    Thanks for keeping me strong, and you do too :)

    And congratulations, Day 11! Woohoo!!!


  • I think you are a lovely person who lightens up a room when they walk in.

    Problem is YOU DONT SEE IT.


    You are in a loving relationship and at the end of the day we are all social creatures who want to be liked and loved.

    Don't be down on yourself for one puff as one poster said, if it was chocolate all the weight you lost wouldn't suddenly reappear.

    Focus and remember YOU have loads of friends and like minded people right here all the time whenever you want them to be there for you.


  • Oh Tom

    Thank you so much. Your words are just what I needed to hear - I am ohhhhh soooo glad that you like my posts long though they may be!!!

    34 days including one hiccup so I am quite proud of myself and perhaps in another 34 days I will stop mentioning the hiccup as it will be a dim and distant memory and as another poster said don't look back look to the future!

    You are such a nice man along with all the other gentlemen and ladies on here who haven't judged me but helped me so much.

    Filling up now so going to put the kettle on - anybody else for a cuppa?!

    Thank you again Tom - you have made my day!


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