These are probably the hardest words I have ever written – as I type them, I am saying them to myself very softly because I am doing something now which I should have done a long time ago.
I have had a message from a member and I have responded to that message with a personal (or as near to personal as you can get when your only contact is through the internet) reply.
I respect that messages are private between the sender and the receiver but the contents of the message have really brought home to me exactly what I am doing and the damage and harm that this may be causing not just to myself but more importantly to others who say that they are my friends. If you have me as a friend, then you don’t need enemies – read on and you will see exactly why I say this.
I keep going away from the site and then coming back. Why? Because I want people to notice me and miss me.
I write the longest blogs. Why? Because I think it impresses people and makes me appear brainer than I actually am and it means that people spend longer reading something I wrote even though it may be totally stupid and boring.
I ask stupid questions. Why? Again, because it makes people notice me.
Why is everything I write so long? Because I want people to like me and the more I say the more I hope they’ll like me.
I could go on and on in this vein but will stop at just these and try to explain why I am this way.
I have been married for 39 years. I love my husband very deeply. He is not just my husband but he is also my best (and probably only) friend. He is my soul mate. I cannot imagine my life without him. We did not/do not have any children. I have one sister who I have only seen twice in the last 15 years (10 years ago at my Dad’s funeral and 5 years before that at my Mum’s). My husband has no brothers or sisters. Neither of us have any close family (apart from my sister but like I have explained we are not close). Moved from my home town when I got married so have a few (and I do mean few) acquaintances but no friends. My husband has friends from both football and his love of cars. Very rare do we go out except to the occasional 60’s concert. My life has always revolved around my Mum and Dad and my husband and solely my husband since the death of my parents.
My Dad was ill for quite a long time before he passed away but more importantly, he died because of me. When he was in hospital I was asked by the consultant about reviving my Dad should he have a heart attack. I said no, not to revive him. He had a heart attack and due to my instructions they did not try to revive him and he passed away before I could get to the hospital. My Dad died because of me – I think about him every day and miss him so very much and I just wish I could turn the clock back because if I could it is possible that he might still be here with me and for me. He would have been 91 last month and my Mum would have been 94 in October. They would have been married for 64 years earlier this month. There is not a day goes by when I don’t think of them individually and together. I so wanted them to be proud of me and I know that daft as it sounds, they would be proud of me now as I am telling the truth.
I just want people to like me. I have been able to interact if that is the right word with the people on this site when I just don’t seem able to do this with people when I meet them face to face. Even the wife’s of my husband’s friends seem to find me abhorrent to be with and I don’t know why, I just wish I did. My husband keeps telling me I try too hard to be accepted and make friends and I should just be natural and myself but I honestly don’t know that I’m doing anything different to normal but he says I do but can’t seem to make me see/understand what I do/am doing wrong.
I have now done 32 days without smoking but today or should I say tonight, when I have posted this, I am going to go outside and have a cigarette. I will almost certainly regret it but I really do want that nicotine and I possibly deserve to die a horrible death.
Do not judge me too harshly – I am sorry for any upset and/or pain I have caused any of you. Forgive me if you can but I have to forgive myself first and that is extremely hard (actually knowing I killed my Dad it is actually impossible to forgive myself).