Before you start reading this, please be aware that this is one of my ramblings and is therefore quite a length so if you do decide to carry on reading then I hope you enjoy it but you have been warned!!!
In my mind’s eye, I’m sitting on a river bank with my feet dangling in the water and everything is just so peaceful and all is calm. There are no ripples on my river it is just moving lazily along at a slow rate and ‘tickling’ my toes as it goes along its merry way.
I imagine all the life in that river and no, not just the fish but the plant life and all the little animals that live along the bank. There’s also the insects that fly about and just, every so often, touch the water so lightly that hardly a ripple can be seen.
I picture myself just sitting and watching the river flow until it gets to where it wants to go and even then it doesn’t seem as if it stops, it simply carries on and on and on.
Why does life seem so simple one minute and then so acutely hard the next? What more could one want than to be at rest with oneself?
How many times have we wished that we could change something whether it be an action, or a word or an actual deed done or not done as the case may be? How many times have any of us wanted to do something or wanted something so badly, that it has physically hurt? How many times have we thought to ourselves I could change that but haven’t due to lack of time or just that why bother attitude? How many times have we wished that we could turn back the clock so that we could live that particular part of our life again and do it differently? How many times have we had one or more than one of these or similar thoughts and done absolutely NOTHING??!!
It's a similar scenario with the words IF ONLY. If only things had been different. If only I hadn’t done that. If only I could change that. If only I hadn't said those particular words. If only are two very small and simple words but they can mean the difference between what happened and what would have happened if only we had done something different, said some other words instead of the ones that we did and if we did change whatever it was that we wanted to change. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but never happens until sometimes it is too late.
Life is full of surprises and it is only now as I approach my retirement that I realise that both these sayings are tinged with regret. My actions and deeds have made my life what it is and the path I have taken, I have taken because that is where my actions and deeds have lead me. The best things in life are free but are they? Does everything have to have a cost? Well in the main yes, but not necessarily a monetary one. Have any of us learned from the past and thought things through and I do mean thought really well of what the differing outcomes would be or could be should we follow our thoughts or does something stop us doing so? No matter what we do, we do the vast majority of the time, what we think is the best whether that be for ourselves, our children or the whole family. We live with that fact every day of our life and consequences are immaterial should they occur because we believed that the path that we took at the time was the correct one.
We can however learn a valuable lesson from these sayings. How many times have we thought to ourselves, after this cigarette I am giving up for good. When I have smoked this one last cigarette of this packet, I will become a non-smoker. And how many times have we said exactly the same thing after each cigarette out of the freshly opened packet?
We can change our lives and to stop smoking is one that has a cost in both terms of our health and money because we can gain years of life as our health improves over time and we can save an awful lot of money which we can then spend in our gained years!
There has to be a BUT though – there is always a big, fat but – and no, I am not referring to a cigarette butt I am talking about how great a battle we face to do just that one thing – stop smoking the fags. So very, very easy peasy to type and even to say because let’s face it the majority of us have said it many, many times whether it be to ourselves or other people and each time we have said those words ‘I am going to stop smoking’ we have meant them but (that word again) saying and doing are, as we all know, two greatly different things.
We can all say I have stopped smoking but do any of us ever stop wanting that just one cigarette? Are we ever completely free of cigarettes? Do we feel like a small baby that has had their dummy or rattle taken away and we don’t know quite know why or how to get it back? Or perhaps we feel like a small child who is being punished by having their favourite toy taken away because we’ve been naughty? Do we even feel like a teenager that has been grounded because we stopped out too late? All these and there are plenty more mean that despite knowing that cigarettes will probably be the most likely cause of our death we still want to smoke.
This then begs the question, are we idiots or just plain stupid? The answer is a resounding no to both because for the vast majority of us when we chose to smoke there was not the knowledge about how lethal they were or could be nor was it well publicised just how addictive they would become. To the majority of us we are dependent on cigs to help us face the day and most of the evening/night!! To smoke in my youth meant that you were a member of an exclusive gang – you spent much of your school lesson time wishing the time away so that you could scoot off and light up behind the bike shed or some other place the teachers wouldn’t look. And because they were so addictive, the habit stayed with you through your late teens and early twenties and basically for the remainder of your life.
Anything in my life that made me think my first re-action was have a fag – things will look so much better during and after a fag. Stressful situation – have a fag. Boyfriend problem – have a fag. Job/work problem – have a fag. Money problem – have a fag. But it wasn’t only problems that caused me to smoke. Go out and enjoy yourself – have a fag. Meet new people – offer your fags around and see who belongs in your elite and select fag club. Once more, I could go on and on but I won’t because I’m sure you all understand what I am saying.
Over the last three months I have had more attempts to quit than I can count. The longest I have lasted without a hit of nicotine is 7 weeks and 2 days. I know that there are some like me that will know when I say to quit again is doubly hard because you have given your body what it craves – a fag.
So how do we break this vicious circle? You know the one I mean – stress = fag; bad day = fag; having a fag = guilt = another fag. We are all so very different as we should be but we do have smoking in common and what works for one won’t necessarily work for another. I have an inhalator which I have used once - there are plenty who swear by this device but I’m afraid I’m not one of them. Once was enough because the taste in my mouth was urghhhhh!! And the best of that is, I used to pay nearly a £1 a fag for that taste for bloody pleasure!! I must be stark, staring bonkers or words to that effect.
In March, I went cold turkey and I fully intend to go that way again because I do not, under any circumstances, want to swap one addiction for another. I know this route is probably harder than some but NRT and I do not mix so rather than persevere with something I don’t like thereby putting pressure on myself to stick at it, I would much rather do without.
I will take it one minute at a time and those minutes will surely be some of the longest that I have known but they will mount up and an hour is only 60 of them. The hours will soon turn into days and the days into weeks. This time, I will make it – by everything that I hold dear, I will do it this time!!
How many times will I try – however many times it takes to get where I want to be – smoke freeeee!!!!!!!! And they do tell me that practice makes perfect - so need I say more!!!
If I find myself wavering or faltering, then I shall just take myself off to my river and dangle my feet in the water and watch it moving slowly along …
Stopping Smoking AGAIN
FRIDAY - DAILY CHAT - 16/05/2014
Tuesday Lunch time...
Whoppeeee dee a whole year gone
