Now day 3 is coming to a close and whilst not the best of days it certainly isn’t the worst. Coping quite well and the odd niggle usually doesn’t last long. Must admit it’s harder this time than the first time and have really had some horrible symptoms which I am unsure if these are withdrawal or not because I didn’t have anything like this then. Not been as bad today but yesterday was terrible – headache, difficulty swallowing, constantly feeling as if I could be sick and extremely loud tinnitus but today has been a lot better so hopefully every day will get a bit better.

Back in to the usual routine of coming on the computer after tea to save me being tempted into having a cigarette. If I’m honest, that’s when I miss cigarettes the most – after I’ve eaten. Certain it is just habit though but it doesn’t bother me half as much at other times as it does after food. Will definitely have to cut down on the food intake not just from the weight point of view but also the after eating comes a cigarette mind set.

Tuesday was on reflection I day that I could have well done without as to put the icing on the cake (metaphorically speaking – sorry John not edible cake!) on the day that I gave in to the weed, I also lost one of my e-mail accounts due to receiving a ‘suspect’ e-mail which luckily I didn’t open. The e-mail is actually in my other half’s name not that he ever uses it mind you – I use it well for house stuff like insurance – I think he would just about be able to switch on the power to the computer but after that you’ve no chance whatsoever. Not that good on computers myself but am certainly better than him but I digress and must finish the tale. Went into the e-mail and found what appeared to be a bona-fide mail but there was just something about it that wasn’t right. You know how it is, you get the feeling that something’s wrong. Luckily for me, my next door but one neighbour is very good not only with computers but also to me and if I ever have a problem, which I did have, he has always said just yell for him. Well, what’s a person to do? Well, I did what most people wouldn’t as they can sort out their computers – I yelled – very loudly. Anyway, he came and had a look and did something to check it and said it was a good job I hadn’t opened it as it had a virus which would have been rather nasty if it had got in to my computer and to be on the safe side he had not only got rid of the e-mail but also, he wanted to get rid of the e-mail account as it was safer that way and was it a problem? No says I so he deleted it and then went back to his own house. Then it struck me – what about the people that use that mail address – so yep, you guessed it, I had to spend time then trying to remember who sent mails to that account – not an easy task really. Sent one mail to what I thought was everyone that used it then had to send separate ones as names came back to me of more people. Oh well, at least I think I’ve done them all now. Moral of this story – before you delete an e-mail account, make sure you either copy to a word doc or have a list of the contents of the address book!!!

One thing that I have noticed lately is that we all refer to nic as being a male. Now is this not a tad sexist? Do we refer to ‘him’ because we automatically think that anything and everything that is bad is male? (Now would have used ‘assume’ instead of think but decided on reflection not to because it could make an ass u me). Will give you a few minutes to think about that and hopefully work out what I have said/am saying. Sexist or not, Mr. Nic does not only bide his time but does strike when you least expect it. A bit like the good and bad angels where the red good angel makes an extremely good case until the black bad angel sticks his twopennyworth in! Again, we have the red good angel as female and the black bad angel as male. Is it because it just seems so right to cast the man as the baddie? Can anyone explain why the males of this world are always, and forgive me if I’m wrong but I don’t think I am, always the bad guys? Is it because we think that women can’t be bad? Is it because us women just like blaming men for everything that is bad? Even the men on the forum refer to nicotine as Mr Nic so perhaps they see themselves as bad influences on us woman? Can anyone give a logical explanation as to why baddies are male and goodies are female ‘cos I for one would be interested to know?

Life’s too short is a favourite phrase that himself uses a lot. He seems to use it more since he retired. Philosophy, if that is the right word, is not something I can say that I either understand or am any good at. Life is for living is another of his phrases and he seems to be content with how he has lived his life. I can understand the latter phrase and I do sometimes wonder if I am living my life or just existing. Is it only me or do we all expect too much? I want to live forever but know very well that if I carry on smoking then it is more than likely I will die sooner rather than later and quite possibly due to a smoking related illness. However, if I give up the habit now then I could live a lot longer; in fact, the chances are that I will live as many as 15 or more years. Now that is something that none of us should ignore as not only will we live longer but we will also have a better quality of life. More time to enjoy spending what we have saved and more able to enjoy the benefits of what we buy! Although I lapsed, my savings to date for each of the days that I didn’t smoke are 43 + 3 = 46 x £5 gives me a total saved of £230 which increase each and every single day that I resist Mr. Nic.

How do you all cope with your ‘need’ for a cigarette? I know some of you have e-cigs and some have gum and/or lozenges but surely there are some that, like me, have just quit and don’t have anything. What do you do? I really would like to know as the more things I know about the better – better prepared should I be tempted again. This time it is different – I believe I had an extremely ‘easy ride’ in those first 43 days but possibly due to that when a full blown need/craving reared its head, I just wasn’t prepared for it and so reached for the first thing that entered my head - need/crave = cigarette. Well, that makes me feel slightly better knowing that there is perhaps a reason for why I gave in so easily - I mean I didn’t even try to fight it, I just did what I suppose comes naturally to a smoker who is trying to become a non-smoker. Definitely food for thought!

Turning to ‘writing’ such as this nonsense is, I suppose, one way of fighting a need/crave/desire to smoke. Although you would think that it would be the worst thing possible for you to do – write about it. Strange but it seems to have really helped me and reading through other peoples blogs does as well and I know that it helps other people too. Funny how the mind works isn’t it – writing or talking about it takes your mind off the wanting of it. Daft yes, silly that’s a yes as well, logical well that’s got to be a no but it is definitely, positively so very, very true. The human mind works in a very weird and wonderful way and I for one am not going to attempt to try and explain it.

One thing I do know is that Mr. Nic (sorry menfolk) is not going to rule my life anymore. After all, it is MY life and I most definitely do not want him in it anymore. He spoils so much – the smell gets absolutely everywhere, even in places that you wouldn’t imagine it could but it does. He seems to have a hold over my day to day actions – he really does seem to rule my life and he shouldn’t because again, it’s my life and I don’t want him to. Then there are the health issues because it’s not just nicotine that we smoke it’s all the other chemicals that are in cigarettes as well. Just what sort of damage are they doing to my body and perhaps even my mind? Does it damage my two dogs even though I don’t actually smoke in the house? Am I slowly poisoning them and shortening their life span? Then we have the biggest reason for quitting – the cost of inflicting damage on ourselves and possibly others. A 10 pack now costs virtually £5 and a 20 pack can cost anything between £7.50 and £9.00. Smoke 30 cigs a day and you are looking at £14 or thereabouts just for one 24 hour period. It doesn’t take the Brain of Britain either to work out that most of us get 8 hours sleep on a night so the 16 remaining hours that we are awake to smoke cost us nearly £1 per hour. If you take it on a weekly basis, the total is £98 for 210 cigarettes so with this in mind, if cigarettes go up by 10p on a 10 pack and 20p on a 20 pack, then you will be spending over £100 per week just on cigarettes. This is a staggering £5,200 per year which over the 10 years extra that you could live is a whopping £52,000!! UN BL**DY BELIEVEABLE!!!

I’m a human being and everyone makes mistakes, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. I’m not super human not even close and yes, I’ve made mistakes throughout my life, but they haven’t or should I say I haven’t let them ruin my life. Why is this one thing so bl***y hard to do? I think the answer to that is because it is an addiction – like alcohol or like drugs. There are some that define alcoholism as an illness but I’ve never heard anyone call smoking or the taking of any drugs (be they prescription or illegal substances) by anything other than ‘addiction’. All three are self-inflicted but they are all extremely hard to give up but not, I hasten to add, impossible. At least these days there are not just alcohol abuse ‘classes’ there are also smoking ones which, although not really accessible to me at this moment in time, are better than having none which was the norm not that long ago. I must admit that thinking logically, just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even though they may never drink again, we (sorry but I do think it applies to us all) will always be smokers who just don’t smoke any more. Annoying to have a label and/or a stigma but I do believe it will help me, and possibly others as well, in that to some people we were and always will be smokers who either (a) no longer smoke or (b) became non-smokers. I ask all of you, with your hand on your heart, to answer this question honestly: “Government and NHS joint statement – recent studies undertaken now show that smoking does you no harm whatsoever”. I can’t see it happening personally but it does make one think does it not? Stranger things have happened have they not? I think that there is a little pink pig just flying past my window is there not? Silly, yes but sometimes it’s the silly things that make you smile, is it not?

Now to finish this blog, I think I had better try and explain why the title. Some of you will no doubt be aware that “To thine own self be true” is from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. It is actually a phrase that is spoken by Polonius – and before you all start saying clever sod I only know that because I looked it up – which means “do not deceive yourself” or if you prefer simpler words, “do not kid yourself” or even “do not lie to yourself” - it is sometimes far easier to deceive yourself than it is to deceive others. Why this particular title? Well, why not? Is there a reason that you do not like it? Does it raise a question or give you an answer that you do not like? What is the problem – do you not understand it? Or is that you do understand it and that is the problem? Whichever way you look at it, it is in truth only words and we all say words sometimes without thought and even without reason, after all, words are just words, aren’t they? You can’t inflict harm or hurt with words like you can with blows – sorry, but you most definitely can and words can do more damage than most people know especially to the mind of the receiver. Like many phrases and the moral contained in many stories, depending on how you read it depends the interpretation of it. Personally, I do not have a problem with it in any way, shape or form. I wish to stop smoking. I do not wish to smoke anymore. I do not want Mr. Nic in my life at all. I want to stop smoking for me and those that I love and could harm due to my smoke. I want to live a long and happy life that is smoke free. I want to use the money that I save for the good of me and my other half in our old age. Basically, in a nutshell, what I want is TO BE FREE! These are all truthful statements of fact that I make knowing that I am “true to myself”.

What about you??

Have a great smoke free evening everyone and enjoy your weekend!

Luv and hug



1 Reply

  • Kath :-) great blog as always. :D

    I think Mr Nic is male and couldn't be a female as we are too busy multi-tasking to make and carry out such cruel plans/actions.

    I love Shakespeare alot and will look up some sayings to send back to you. :-o

    3 days done is excellent. :-) In regards to the taste in the mouth I found sugar free sucky sweets helped. :-p

    You have a great attitude to not smoking any more and I love your rational.

    You're a star babes :D :D :D

    Sue xx

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