So , I have been putting up with lots of pain , horrible, while exercising again , why , well I reached a point where I was suffering so much with no energy and just feeling crap, depressed under the mental health team, I guess after looking in the mirror and not liking this terrible life, I felt I had nothing to lose.
Yes it has been the hardest thing so far ever, my FND often does not let me walk or drops my foot , but not when , I run , well it has taken me Six weeks of slowly / gently increasing all area’s of excise, I bought a large gym ball, I joined Bracknell sports centre , Everyone Active, I have done Pilates, shape, classes , crazy , crazy , Pushing through the Pain , telling myself it’s hell of a life the way it is and the worse than can happen is I will know if this Pushing all area’s of fitness, trying to build muscle again around my core is going to be painful , the emotional emotions roller coaster of looking daft not being able to do 80% of what the rest of the class , half my age can do is madness, why put yourself through this, well , I was taking so much medication my unrine was dark yellow despite drinking tons , peeing all the time , searching , hiding medication, knowing my life was a burden for my loved ones, not really knowing if my thought processes were even working properly. So much reading , learning , but my fight in flight , failing , just causing me grief, I use that word instead of pain as I don’t think the word pain is long enough, it should be the most complicated word in the dictionary, very complicated, disastrous, hurt beyond hurt, both to the body and mind. If only it was so easy .
I said I would up date you and I am , no it is a journey of I don’t really know the end yet, so far I am really happy with the results, now six weeks on, so many classes , playing pickable with a group age from 18 years to 83years is great fun , my wife is playing to , well you won’t be surprised in this method of my madness, I have had days , I can barely move , needed Thia massage to free me , hot baths, steam room, , swimming .
Salt pool, deep heat . Well if I am going to have glass going around in my lower back with osteoarthritis, failed back surgeries, FND, a broken Mind / Brain , so much pain , I want to die through all the love I have from my wife , daughters, family , why , why , Chemicals realised by the brain through excitement, excise is going to help you I read, I was down and out slipping so much fatigue, I was sleeping or lying with no energy to do much. Now , I am up and about again , helping around the house, walking everywhere, a little further every day, Remember it started with , I could only walk 50mts / 100, now I can run a mile , but my FND might not let me walk very far , how mad.
I have gone out again with friends and feel good at times, a start , so what happens when I go into loads of pain . I have more fitness to coupe better. Please remember, I know I am lucky to not have the many conditions, that many of you have and realise my mental methods may still back fire.
I deliberately go to new places , listen to, smell , taste the air , using my vision to see , touch , feel as much as possible engaging my senses, even when running , I feel the air , listening to my breathing, struggling, telling myself you can do it , Yes when I push , sensations, chemicals make me feel better, mixing with people again engaging, helps me.
I know I am a new me , not the same person I used to see in the mirror, I have learnt to realise weather I like it or not , I am older , with various conditions. I am bonkers , I have hot and cold showers , when I am in loads of pain , I pull out frozen peas, then wash up in hot water just to distract my brain from anything to do with suffering.
I fell down the last few steps of our staircase and came crashing into the living room my wife jumped. Yes I was hurt but not like nerve pain , so it felt good.
The dentist today repaired my chipped back tooth from where I grind under pain, he had to numb the area, I wish my back pain could go away like the needle of local he gave me , I was dozing while they worked it laughed, I just wanted him to understand this is not pain you have no idea.
Last week the train to Kew Gardens , another day to Battersea Power Station , up in the 101 Lift , you go up in the lift up the tower and pop out the top, the view is amazing. Sunday hopefully the Tate modern.
I walk as much as I can , I sleep better, I still need sleeping aids, but less pain killers.
I live in the moment of life , embrace my discomfort, I acknowledge my pain with respect and compassion.
I asked my pain specialist, what he felt about my situation and could I do damage, he said the benefits for me would outweigh all . Yes slow , anything that can put muscles around my core will help , if I can push through the pain , both mental and physically.
The lovely really positive thing at the moment is that yes , now going out , being active is more fun , than being stuck in my circle of fight in flight with no energy and negativity I had. I smile when in pain now because at least I am getting out and hope to work again soon , even if part time .
The list is long, I will show you mine in more detail soon, for now he is a few:-
Water more , less caffeine.
Mix up my food with healthy and favourite.
Porridge, berries, strawberries, honey.
Favourite TV.
Meditation, taken years but works just have to find the right music and change it to suit your mood.
Don’t beat yourself up .
Train your body and mind to get back a sleep routine, says I typing this late.
Recognise, the situation, Breathe, respect , drop anchor , think about the best thing for you right now.
No need to fight, Know when to except and go with the pain.
Any excise is good , even in a chair , crutches, bed , floor , just little by little do more when you can , switch it .
Colour full books by my bed, beautiful pictures of my family around .
Look forward to things, know it is ok to have what ever condition you have , because I did not .
Again this site is amazing , I have taken a look most days despite not writing, waiting for the right moment, I could tell you wonderful people , what mad things I might be trying.
will update you in a couple of days as to how my method of madness is going , love to you all xxxxx x
pain pain pain and more pain
P.N Pain
