A little moan

I guess this isn't really health related (maybe a little i dont know) anyways I just needed to blog somewhere because not only am I unsure on my current situation but I feel I stuck in this situation and everyone around me (family) won't help me out of it.

They seem to be more the cause of everything, e,g I could do something right but to them it'll be wrong, and if it's wrong well it's just plain wrong.

A family member past away last year and I (along with 2 family members) inherited a house, my parents are having money problems, there in debt and have pressured me into a corner (as in I get nervous and feel like I'm stabbing them if I don't give them what they want) for them to move in. I'm currently trying of ways to get them out to get them away.

But I guess that sound immature i dont know but i dont know what to do, I'm sick of being treated worse than our pet dogs in the house hold, sick of being moaned at for petty things (e.g not washing up, even though I'm practically the maid) I'm fed up of being down and feeling depressed because I'm stuck in corner :(

12 Replies

  • I think this could easily become health related and turn into a depression of sorts.

    People get ugly around death and inheritance and those who leave us things out oF the ordinary, leave us in a bad place with everyone else.

    From what I understand, 3 of you have inherited a house, which gives you a third share in that house. It is then not your sole decision who can live in the house.

    Are you and the 2 others living in the house just now? If so, where did you live before?

    Is the house big enough to make a small separate living space for your parents, even if it's just one room with access to the bathroom and kitchen.

    If not, can you agree with the other 2 to rent the house out, even if it' s just for a year and use your third of the income to help your parents.

    Your parents got into debt themselves. Maybe they couldn't help it, I don't know the circumstances. But it is not alright to use this as emotional blackmail against you. Nor is it okay to demand "rights" because they are your parents. Maybe they are feeling disappointed and angered that they didn'the get it.

    I can understand their disappointment at being left out the will, and a free house would seem to solve a lot of their problems. But on the other side, you did not choose to have the house, it was given to you. You probably didn'the even know you were getting it until the will was sorted out.

    As to what to do, there are agencies that can help with family disputes, and advise you on long term planning.

    A friend recently had a similar problem. A large house was left to her (English) and 3 cousins (Italian) in Italy. Her father and their father were brothers. The 3 cousins decided to stick together as one unit and use the fathers to divide up responsibility. The house needed a lot of repairs and updating, so she paid for half, and the cousins each paid a sixth to make up their half.

    Doesn'the sound fair until you hear what her lawyer did. He turned it in her favour, and she got 3/6 use or 6 months and the cousins got 2 months each. She rents as a holiday let, or uses it herself. As she has the largest ownership she also gets to choose which months she has each year.

    So the 3 cousins thought they could get their English cousin to pay for most of the work and have a house they could use moat of the time, backfired on them. They can use it, but not as much as they thought they could. Obviously, they could agree yo use it themselves in a 2 month slot and divide the rental income between them from the other 4 months, but they have ended up with a lot less than if they just divided everything between 4.

    What could have brought that generation closer has separated them even more. People get ugly around inheritance.

    Hope you find something to solve your dilemma.

  • My parents are not related to the family member who passed, so there's no hard feeling on that and the 2 other people who have shares is 1 my mum who doesn't understand the matter due to her dementia and 2 my 9 year old brother so as there isn't much debate in the issue the parents I live with have cornered me with an offer of how they think I should do things and when I try to talk to them they shout and say that I'm throwing it back in there face (this is my dad and step mum by the way). Ever since I moved in with them my life is a drama to them to where they always moan and I disappoint them, this is just another thing for them to dictate my life with

  • Hi there,

    Tell them that you will allow them to move in if they pay the going rate for rent to be split three ways between the three of you that it was left to or that they can buy your third of the house for the going rate, are your parents the other two who the house was left to? if not then they have to pay for the other parts as well it is not right that they just expect you to give them your part of the house with no payment for it?

    can you not move away from your parents then whatever you do is just for yourself if you don't do the dishes then it is only you that it affects.

    If your parents got into debt then it is up to them to get out of it it is not right to put pressure on you to help when it was not you who got into debt in the first place.

    It seams to have become a national thing that people get into debt but then expect others to help them out when they cannot afford to pay it back (Just like Greece) it is time people were made to understand that any loan they take out must be paid back with the agreed interest at the agreed time and not expect others to pay it for them.

    As you never put down your age or location it is hard to suggest what you can do if you are old enough can you not live on your own or with someone else who is around your own age?

    good luck in sorting this out,

    Regards Poppy Ann.

  • I'm getting the impression, you and two other family members got the house and your parents did not. If that is the case and they, your parents do not respect you or your wishes. Then it sounds as tho the relative who left you the house wanted you and the two other family members to be independent and away from debt. I feel it would be a good idea to discuss this with a solicitor / and or a friend you feel you can really trust in order to get other opinions to help you decide the best thing to do. But if your parents are staying in the house with you and they did not inherit with you then a contract through a solicitor could be made up. Another thing you could do is to get in touch with the Executor of the will and ask to see the will if you haven't already been given a copy. And maybe the Executor will know how the person that died felt about leaving a third of the house to you. When I was an executor many years ago, the will was very complicated and some family members got left out of the will. But that was the deceased wishes as she did not like them or other reasons. i knew her fairly well for some years before she died. Hope this helps but would be interested to know if you are under 18 or over 18 years.

  • I'm 21 and I along with my great uncle are the executors, it was my grandad who passed so I know what he would of wanted and my family being a part of it I don't think he would... The two other thirds belong to mum (whose not mentally with it, due to dementia does not understand what's going on and will agree to anything) and the other is my 9 year old brother who also doesn't get a say (this family members I do not love with)

  • Your Grandfather recognised the difficulties you have with your mother being demented and being a mother to your brother in her place. He wanted you all to be safe.

    Your father should recognise this as an act of caring from your Grandfather, and put aside any feelings he has about right or wrong, and support you rather than burden you.

    If you really want them out your way you can get a restraining order on them. I would look for advice outwith a lawyers office, as it could easily get out of hand in a ping pong match between you. There are charities and agencies which provide such help.

  • Thanx for fillin info. Well if is was me, I wouldn't let your step mum or you Dad come and live in same house. You could get a lodger in on your terms if you needed the money to pay the expenses. They sound like people one would not want to have in ones house. Your Grandad was a wise Man giving you this opportunity to move away from your step Mum and Dad and to look after your Mum and your younger brother. Even if you did decide to let them come and live with you and pay rent, it is in my opinion going to cause hassle to you. Hassle that you can do without and at 21 you don't need to be told what to do. Advice is one thing. But I'm sure you have your own ideas. Advice from others and friends can all be taken into account. But relatives that ry to pull you down and don't respect you, is not the advice you need. Good luck for whatever you decide to do. And have you got or thought of Power of Attorney for your Mum. Not being nosey. Don't need to know. Just a mention.

  • Thank you, that's made me feel a lot better, and something I needed to hear, I posted this on hear because I don't have many friends and the ones I do have I don't want to be a burden to them because my parents cause so many problems for me and I usually keep everything bottled up and to myself.... I have looked into it but it's quite expensive and I don't have the costs/funds (this would be a different story if my dad hadn't let me down with a job opportunity this week because I can't drive) but my step dad and I get on pretty well anyways and when my mum was going under assessment (she went into a care home temp) and the matron there actually gave me some advice on how to get in on her financial side without power of atterney and then the care one is something to look at at a later date

  • Thank you for taking the time to reply and thank me. I am glad to have been able to help in some way. Only through my life experiences Im able to do this. I like you bottle things up and don't tell anyone. Which backfired on me a bit ago cos I should have stopped some treatment which was making me worse but I couldn't see the wood for the trees . Think that's the expression. You will be able to get attendance allowance for your Mum. But I expect you already know that. Pos the higher rate. The Bennefits and work website is very good for advice. I've been a member for some years now. And there is a section showing lots of tips people have sent in on ways to save money which is brilliant. I'm a great fan of jumble sales and charity shops. In the past I used to buy all my husbands shirts at jumble sales. Some were brand-new. Just thinking don't know enough about this but worth looking into you being your Mums carer and getting a bennefit for it. Totally not know but think worth making enquiries.nice talking to you.

  • She's already in a care setting and is all paid for thankfully :) but thank you for the advice it's really helped and I hope your okay (treatments?) and again thank you :)

  • Okay you are having a moan. Question: what activities are you engaged in that enables you to socialise outside the family circle?

    What are you doing to build up your coping skills to handle your health disability? My experience of health disabilities is that they take up a lot of energy because you slow down and cannot do as much as you could do when healthy. It took me many years to learn how to handle my health disability well.

    Hope I have been helpful.

  • I don't have any health disabilities, not medically speaking, not that I've gone to any doctor but I know what you mean, I get ups and downs which feel more intense than the normal up and downs the everyday person gets but when I waver from one or the other I have techniques but sometimes it can be too intense to control if you know what I mean? As for getting out I don't barely leave the house I hate leaving the house, I do on the other hand have a friend who lives a 5 min walk away which makes it easier to see her.

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