Working thru some hurt today and wondering if anyone has experienced this or something similar I have a long term High School Friend that at the same time I was scheduled for my debulking, surgery April 2021, 3B currently NED was diagnosed with 1A cervical Cancer she's always been sort of a needy friend and of late become obsessed with conditions she may have health honestly y I didn't always have a lot to give and it has gotten to the point that all conversations lead back to her sometimes I don't think she actually listens trust me I keep things pretty much to myself as far as this journey fast forward I met this Friend for lunch she dominated the conversation talking about her health issues actually going thru her blood test results on her IPAD and mentioning all the types of cancer her family members had which was not related I felt so drained I cut lunch short. She texted me the next day hoping next time we have to have more to talk I couldn't really get a word in so I suggested next time we could steer away of all the medical stuff. Needless to say she said she would if I would not talk about anything either I never really so I replied that's not Friendship to me unreasonable limitations trust me I'm always the listener when I go out with the with the OC support gals and other long time Friends and we have a great time. Anyway long story short she blew up at me got nasty unfriended me from Facebook told me either decide to stay Friends or to stop texting her. I didn't respond and really have not intention to.
I've also been having some slight abdominal pain CT scheduled this week and my CA125 went up from 8-13 Onc not concerned living in this shadow is not always easy. Thanks for letting me bend your ears. I leave for a much needed 2 week lake house vacation this weekend I think that will be good R&R.
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Sorry to hear you've had this behaviour from your friend and hopefully your other friends are more supportive to you with what you're going through. What we have gone through alas never ends.
I'll leave it to others to share their words of wisdom but you've done the right thing getting this off your chest xx
Some people just have (or perhaps cultivate) a blind spot when it comes to what others are going through. You may well be better off without this particular energy drain in your life xx
Your better without her, you know sometimes when your talking to someone there not really listening . To be honest l think until you go through our journey you dont understand. And lm not wishing it on anyone but they dont truly understand your better off without her she sounds extremely selfish. Please don't let her upset you. I also think because most of us look perfectly healthy which is a blessing, l get people saying to me glad to see your ok now,l didn't look too well when l was on the chemoI feel.like saying l wish. Stay with your positive kind friends you don't need her cruel negativity.
Your exactly right it's been a mood point with me for awhile she doesn't listen and tends to turn the conversation back to her I don't think she was always this way or perhaps she was I was always available to listen but as you know this journey changes you in a lot of ways you have to use what energy you have to push thru the roller coaster. I agree no one gets this journey except survivors, I am blessed to have this wonderful site , my local OC chapter and Friends that have been wonderful. My Husband who is spot on with people has been telling me for quite a while "you do realize that when you talk to her she's not hearing you" all about her" yes very self absorbed and selfish I don't think people like that even realize it or will be accountable for their behavior. Your a doll hugs from Chicago.
Hi I had a similar experience with one of my long term friends when I was first diagnosed and going through chemo. I cut her out in the end too and although some days I think of her snd do miss our old friendship I still cannot believe how insensitive and unempathetic she was to me. So I think you’ve done the right thing unfortunately there are friends who can’t support us on our difficult and ongoing journey who we are better off without. Best wishes xx
That must of been very painful for you especially while going thru chemo even though the ending is justified so hard I think its natural to miss the good times of an old Friendship. I also remember and have to remind myself of these things chemo wasn't all that bad but I found the 5th & 6th a bit more challenging and the steroids I took for 3 days after made me a little off she had called me during that time I said I cant talk really have too rest need downtime she was a bit needy when I did touch base she seemed cold and aloof toward me responded "well you sounded ok" I remember sharing with her that I was so happy the CA125 after my 6th chemo was 6 from 4300 and a I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from a Friend no response changed the subject. In their minds they don't get how insensitive and unempathetic they are but I doubt certain people never will. Thanks a bunch
Hi there I have posted this before i think, but i believe we play a role within friendships relationships and family. Some friends are very giving and some need a lot of support and cant cope with the change in circumstances. I dont think its a deliberate swerve i just think that friend cant cope or give more than they do already. I have had friends totally surprise me on this journey and those who i have drifted from as i dont have the energy now to support a very dependent other. I think those friends who i have always been there for, dont always have the capacity to re pay that support. in my case i supported a friend for 20 years through her very tough life and followed and helped during her crisis after crisis. She says now we should meet and makes plans but cancels them, on the odd occasion we meet I really enjoy her company and i made a pact with myself that while i still enjoy that i will keep in touch but i am under no illusions that she will be able to change. I find the friends who offer support are often the ones who need the support back xx use your energy and friendship wisely, we all understand where you are
You are exactly right thank your for touching base it's been a bit painful. Up until this journey I was the ear that endlessly always listened in this particular Friendship I totally get the shift and being selective as to how you use your energy. It's quite the journey I like you have supported this Friend for 20 years I don't regret it I did it out of love. I'm glad you are under no illusions that your Friend will change I felt the same but unlike my other Friends we can go to lunch always great sharing back in forth positive experience its become so one-sided I can't go back. Thanks for your post I'm so glad I found this site. Hugs
I’m so sorry your old friend has let you down like this. I guess if a relationship has a certain pattern—-you supporting her needs—it’s going to crumble when you need support too. I have found my friends to be generally concerned but they want to believe everything is fine and there’s no space for me to talk about specifics. This disease is life changing even when we achieve ned status. Enjoy your vacation. Xx
Thank you your "supporting needs change" is spot on I'm so glad we have this site this disease is life changing actually NED status is a blessing but as been harder for me that the rest of the journey I think your pretty much on autopilot just to get thru then onto the new normal.
I’ve had some difficult times with friends during all of this too. Sometimes people can be so clueless. I imagine that it would be really difficult to listen to her go on about health issues when she had something quite treatable and caught so early. Any cancer diagnosis is scary, so it’s understandable that she’d want to talk, but it doesn’t work if it only goes one way. I think the important point you found was that you felt drained after your interaction. I don’t feel like I have time anymore for those who drain us and give nothing back. Our energy is limited, we have to save it for those most important to us.
Actually the conversation that dominated our lunch date was not her cancer journey which I would of totally supported it was back pain, foot pain her blood draw panel which was nothing out of the normal parameters than she switched to members of her family that died of cancer all pretty much smokers. I have great times with my other Friends and the OC Survivor group outings your spot on I've felt drained before but not to this degree red flag. She was very hurtful, nasty comments but thank God I'm at peace this journey changes you in good ways also sometimes weeding out is in order.
I'm glad your Sister cares enough to respect the boundaries you've put in place it must be a lot harder when its a Family member. Her bad haircut while your loosing your hair that had to hurt when you were probably thinking "I would love to have a bad haircut right about now" if that was the only thing I had to deal with. Ugh the journey thanks a bunch
I wanted to add that my sister is a little bit like your friend, though she has been supportive she can also be clueless. She’s a bit looks-obsessed, and she got what she thought was a bad haircut and color just as I was losing my hair from frontline chemo. She went on and on about it, and once I could pick my jaw up off the floor I had to tell her not to talk to me about it anymore. She’s also gotten upset over trivial family things, and I had to tell her that I don’t have the energy to get worked up over those things on her behalf, and I can’t be the one she talks to about that particular topic. Fortunately, as my sister she cares enough to respect that, even though she may not like it. We really do have to protect our limited energy and peace of mind!
Your right before this journey I was always there for her to lend my ear it became very one sided yes certain relationships are going to crumble I guess its part of the journey. Yes I think a lot of well meaning Friends think great its all behind you we hope and pray for that yes very life changing. Thanks a Bunch
I went on an advice session at Harley Street during my recovery 7 years ago and was told very firmly to cut the deadwood out of your life, if they weren’t there for you before you were ill they certainly wouldn’t be a source of support when you needed them.
They become a drain on you when you most need a friend.She sounds like a narcissist and you are better off without her.I lost a few friends and family members during and after my illness, but the friends I have now are true friends and are there for me whatever.
You need to bin her, let her get on with her life and you get on with yours, you don’t need the stress,
Very wise advice all the years before my OC journey I was always the listening Friend but you tend to see traits in certain people when you go thru this yes I've come to the conclusion that she is a narcissist fits the description to a conversational narcissist to a tee and I didn't even know that was a disorder we've know each other for 45 years never saw this side of her but people can change as they get older her hurtful comments are very typical when you challenge a narc like you I have some wonderful longtime Friends that I treasure although painful at the time sometimes God housecleans for new Seasons of the journey. Thanks a bunch
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