Might seen trivial

This might seem trivial compared to all you brave ladies. I was lucky and early surgery worked. But it's almost a year now and my main problem is my relationship with my partner. We are both only in our mid 40s and I still love him as a friend and we make a good team but I have absolutely no feelings of desire at all. I don't mind helping him out (to be blunt) but it is with the same emotion as if he'd asked me to help him clear the shed or do the drying up. Sometimes I feel so sad and alone in this and my fantasy is to become a nun, join a Convent and not have to think about sexuality at all. Ironically everyone says I look no different (or actually more well!) than I did before ... but I feel like a different person and rather husk-like. Does anyone share these thoughts? X

23 Replies

  • I occasionally feel a little 'numb' albeit not towards my husband who I love dearly, but just in general. I definitely think it's as a result of the Cancer. I wonder if you would benefit from some Counselling to help understand your emotions more, and then you could make a decision about whether it's a problem or not, and take action as necessary? x

  • Hi you're not alone. You went through huge stress and a huge surgery and that can change things. Are you able to talk with him about how you feel and listen to how he feels?

    If you don't or can't then please don't feel guilty. You may find you feel different in another 6 months BUT you may not.

    As Sarah says can you get counselling? Alone and joint may help.

    This is not a rare thing

    Thinking of you


  • Thank you Clare. I often think of you. X

  • I'm glad you raised this...when I got through first line treatment I felt fine went back to work and (I'm not kidding) slightly wondered where all the big reaction had got to?

    Well...now beginning to understand just how far reaching this diagnosis is....even when you are well. It affects everything: friendships, family relationships, confidence, body image. I went to a physio with a stiff neck and she said that she often sees cancer patients with tension locked into muscles after months of worry and apprehension.

    As others have said..take things slowly...this may not last but do take the opportunity to talk one to one with someone about you. My Macmillan centre offers free counselling..so maybe try them?

    L xx

  • Thank you. Kx

  • I was determined that my sex life wouldn't be affected by this. My desire was muted by the shock biopsy from the cyst removal. I was angry I agreed to TAH and cervix removal as a precautionary treatment. I'm still mad at myself for having the 'sweep out' but as soon as six weeks was up I was going to have sex whether I liked it or not. It took a while and I'd say it was different but after a few weeks I started to get back into the swing of it. Three years all clear meant I then got into normal life. When I recurred I got back on the horse as soon as I could. My biggest problem was mental not physical and I still cover my colostomy bag but it really is mind over matter.

    Perseverance even when not in the mood seriously reaps rewards honestly.

    LA xx

  • Thank you. Good sensible advice. Kx

  • I had my cervix removed, it was full of the cancer which could not be seen before surgery.

    Orgasm is actually more intense now than before, but desire harder to precipitate

  • Hi, I am so pleased you brought this up and as the saying goes you are not alone I am sure there are lots of women in the same situation as you. When I was first diagnosed with oc over 12 years ago no professional brought the subject of sexuality up I was determined to discuss it. I had taught sexuality and knew the taboos and what an important part of life it is. So I ask when I could make love after surgery, What they would recommend for vaginal dryness.AAnyway I got some answers but to be honest after surgery the only thing I was interested in was lots of cuddles and full blown sex was furthest from my mind my then partner and now husband was loving, kind and patient and we gradually got back to a fulfilling sex life. A After been diagnosed with Peritoneal cancer in 2015 no one talked about sexuality again until I saw the chemotherapy nurse who did discuss it, again it took me a while to get my libido back and have now decided it is not the quantity but the quality!!!My husband as been the perfect partner on this journey and I love him dearly in relation to both the emotional and physical aspects of this disease.Chris

  • Thank you Chris for sharing your experience. I am sure I must not be alone in feeling this way. My partner is being wonderful but I just feel so guilty because I know it hurts him that I no longer feel the same way about him. Kx

  • Donut, OC treatment completely killed my libido. I have no sexual desire whatsoever for anyone. However, my desire for emotional intimacy drives me to want to be intimate and sexual with my beloved husband. I still have a healthy sexual response, but my motivation is totally different. I am motivated only by LOVE. I no longer feel any lust and I am fine with that.

  • Thank you Tesla. You have expressed the physical shift beautifully. I suppose I am still getting used to this new way of being. We are so lucky to be loved by wonderful sensitive partners. Kx

  • I am struggling with the same thing. I'm 52 but was not menopausal before my surgery 5 months ago. I'm experiencing surgical menopause. I miss the contractions of my uterus/cervix during orgasm.....while I can "climax" with outer stimulation, it is just not the same without the strong contractions......it's almost not worth the trouble to even try......It's just disappointing. My husband and I had a great sex life before my surgery. I don't feel like it's anxiety or psychological. I'm physically broken sexually and I don't see how that's going to get any better.

  • I thought that too but it does get better. It's almost as if your body relearns intense orgasm.


  • That's encouraging. How long did it take before you noticed improvement? Right now, it feels like more trouble than it's worth.

  • About a year which seems ages but it's retraining lol. However after my op in 2015 for recurrence there was only the 6 week wait and confidence issues as they fitted a Stoma


  • I've had 3 major surgeries in 4 months. My last surgery was 7 weeks ago. I just had a kidney stent removed on Tuesday (it had been in since January). I'm also dealing with sudden hot flushes and extreme nausea that seem to be caused by my sudden surgical menopause. Maybe I just need to give things more time. Thanks, Lilly-Anne.

  • Very early days. I was 45 when I had surgical menopause it was the pits but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

  • Is this not a hormone issue?

  • It probably is a hormone problem. I know I've been told that I can't have any hormone replacement because it can trigger recurrence. There doesn't seem to be any treatment.

  • personally think it might be hormonal....and myself personally would not be keen on HRT....take it slowly though ...lots of cuddles and you never know! C x

  • the same feelings. Evan same 1a. Everything since now ok but deep inside i know devil never sleeps.

    Changed a lot. Not that can be seen but it can be felt.

    Sex is overvalued. Im 58. Have a right to be out of that if i wish for a rest of my life. also quit smoking and pork not big deal

    Good news is getting in love is possible. Dreams also. Its a pure joy now.

    So Im enjoing that. No limits except body limits. My tummy is so vulnerable as im a baby. Thats how i feel.

  • Thanks for your comments. I have to agree I think it is a hormone thing. How can I feel anything when all oestrogen is taken away? And I am so hot all the time that cuddles are sometimes unbearable. But I will keep hopeful. Thank you LA for your positive and encouraging posts. And I know that he does love me whatever. Just makes me sad sometimes. Thank you all. Kx

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