My partner is very very low. He lost his job in July and hasn’t found anything yet. Then he had to deal with my recurrence which is hard for him. He doesn’t go out of the house and he has no family or friends to talk to. He’s even cried a few times which isn’t like him. We’ve had arguments which are horrible. I feel like I’m trying so so hard to keep happy and keep him upbeat but feel like I’m already in quicksand and I’m being pulled under fast. Am I being selfish?
I’ve even thought that if we broke up he wouldn’t have to deal with my illness which is just going to be there forever. I might not (but I might) be around for that many more years and why should those years for him be miserable. He could move on. I love him and he loves me but the strain of everything is tearing us apart. We should be there for each other but it’s not going in that direction.
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Suzanne333
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What an horrible situation your in. You must really love him to think about letting him go, and he must really love you so splitting up may make things worse for you both, I would just keep talking, tell each other how your feeling, and maybe your partner should go see a doctor it might help.
I hope things change for the better soon what ever you decide xx
Thank you for your reply. I suggested him seeing a Doctor. He said he would if he needs to. I guess we’ve just got to try and get through it. I do love him and he does love me but I feel so sorry for him having to go through all this.
Oh Suzanne! Sending a big hug to you.....what a difficult time for you and him. Can't help feeling that a little support from someone who understands might help open up the dialogue between you. Do you have a good Macmillan centre or other cancer support centre nearby?
The really good thing about the one I go to is that it's not the Doctor..it's just people who really 'get it' xx L
I think I might try something like that. More for him. I have a lot of support from friends and family. He only has me to support him. When he cried I just went numb. I didn’t know what to do.
I’m so sad to hear about this. Not sure what I can say that would be much use except that it’s probably best not to make too drastic a decision while this is still in its current state. Try and get outside for a short walk in the sunshine maybe? Has he never had friends or is it a gradual thing as things have been difficult recently? It feels like you are having to take on his issues which may not help either of you. Maybe, dare I say this, a tiny part of you wonders if being apart might be a bit better for both of you? A short breathing space where you can work out what would be best.... Is there somewhere either of you can go stay for a few days? Just a suggestion as I don’t know either of you. I really hope things become a bit clearer and you feel less stressed.
Thank you for your reply. He used to have friends when he was with his ex but since he’s been with me (8 years). They’ve sort of drifted off. I tried talking him into going out yesterday. We went to town but he was pretty miserable so we came home. I sometimes think I’m the problem.
I told him in the heat of the moment that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He said find someone else. I told him I don’t want anyone. I know we want to be together deep down but just don’t know how much longer we can stay together like this.
I’m okay Suzanne, struggling with the chemo but otherwise ok. I have recently started to go to some creative / well-being events at my local hospice. I’ve found them a great way to escape and unwind and talk to others in similar situations health wise. Maybe if you focus on your needs a bit and take some time to do nice things for yourself that would help lighten the stress, and would give you a boost which I really think you neeed.
Aww I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with the chemo. I hope you start to feel better soon.
I think you’re right about doing some stuff for myself. I might take up painting. I write poems too. Maybe do a book. - getting ova the blues with poetry and paint. Xxxxxx
I am so sad to read your post but can understand what a strain this disease puts onto a relationship however strong .
On top of that he is dealing with loosing his job so sounds like he is dealing with depression and you need some help and support . Have you considered counselling, either together or separately , would he go ? My partner went to a carers support session through the dimbleby centre at Guys and although he didn't want to go and thought he didn't need it , came back and said it had really helped him to talk to other carers . Please speak to your CNS or gp to get some help . You are dealing with so much emotionally you need to protect yourself too .
Thank you for your message. Yes I think he in particular needs to go and speak to someone. I think counselling would help him. It’s just whether he could go and get the help. He needs an outlet. Maybe he can’t talk to me because I’m worrying too. I’m very open and talk to everyone about everything so that’s how I cope. I still worry though. I’m worried we will lose our house. I just don’t think I could handle that. My partner knows how much I love our home so I guess that’s a big pressure on him. I just don’t want to be renting as it feels so insecure. I feel I need security. I hope I’m not sounding selfish. Xxxxx
Not at all . And actually it's ok to be selfish with everything you are dealing with .
Can totally understand how you need the security of your lovely home . It is our safe place when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable .
Despite 31 years of marriage and many ups and downs coping with this disease and all it's emotional baggage has not been easy and we have both needed others outside family and friends to talk to .
Am sure as someone suggested Macmillan should be able to help .
Take care and hope you get the support you need to work together to improve things. But remember it's ok to put yourself and your emotional well being first .
Hi Suzanne - I'm so sorry to hear this. It's really tough when you're dealing with you recurrence as well.
Rather than counselling or seeing a doctor could you ask him to call the main Macmillan helpline, they are there to support him too and it might be an easier way for him to start talking than going down a more formal route - they might help him to understand better what he needs help with and how to get that help. Even if his low mood is down to the job situation I think Macmillan would help as he needs to be supporting you. We had a few ups and downs at home during my treatment and I asked my husband a to speak to the helpline. He kept putting it off then said that he didn't know what to say so I had to give him the first question. So maybe think of that first question for him and ask him to help you by making the phone call.
Thank you for your reply. Yes I think I will talk to him about phoning Macmillan. He needs to speak to somebody. He did phone them about our financial situation but said they weren’t really a lot of help. Perhaps they can recommend some sort of counselling. I think he should give it a go.
Suzanne that is so hard. I really feel for you, there is so much love but also so much sadness in your post. My partner found my recurrence very hard. He doesnt find it easy to talk about his feelings and that led to conflict. I understand that your partner is also coping with the loss of his job which must make it so much harder. When i went back into treatment in September my partner started going to a 'carers and loved ones' support group at our local Maggies ventre and he has found it helpful. I wonder if theres anything like that near you? ,
Thank you for your reply. I will look into different types of places that he could go to. He needs to speak to someone. He probably needs to talk about things and ask questions which he can’t ask me.
I hope you are doing ok. Xxxxxx
Hi Suzanne, wanted to send hugs to you. It's heartbreaking, seeing our husbands/partners going downhill. He really needs to talk to someone but I know that men see that as not being strong. My husband is the same. He really needs to talk to someone but he's trying to stay strong for me but I can see he is very sad sometimes. You both love each other so please don't think of splitting. I also find myself apologising for him having to put up with this sh***ty illness, on top of that he also had to deal with my Mum who had late stage dementia. Unfortunately she passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was a blessing in the end and she was almost 95 years. I hope you can work it out. Love Chris 😘😘
Thank you for your reply. It is hard on the partners and husbands. They’re worried sick. Their lives have been turned upside down too. They can’t make it better for us. This is one problem they can’t solve for us.
I’m so sorry about your mum. That must have been very difficult. Life’s a load of crap sometimes.
Oh dear Suzanne, I am so sorry for you & your partner. I don't know really what to suggest,although he needs a job,has he considered voluntary work,because at least then he would be mixing with other people & of course he can continue looking for work. It is very hard for both of you,& I do hope that things improve shortly.
Thank you for your message. I suggested voluntary work or temporary work but I think he’s being a bit stubborn and wants to get ‘the right job’. I hope he finds something soon.
Hi Suzanne, I think it is probably worse for a man to lose his job, so that is understandable. It is hard for you also,so I really hope things work out for you. I am fine thank you.
Thank you. Yes it is hard for him. I’m working whilst on chemo and I guess he feels bad about the fact he’s not got a job. Hopefully he will get one soon. Xxxx
Suzanne you’re in a rotten place at the moment, have your and/ your partner had any counselling? I know it doesn’t solve the physical problems but it really can really help to put things into place psychologically and that’s really important. I’d speak to your doctor and explain the issues and ask for a referral. It’s difficult for both of you because you’re both too close to the issues and talking to each other, whilst vital, sometimes doesn’t put things into perspective. You can also speak to the Macmillan nurses who can point you in the right direction too, they’re not only here for us but for our family too.
I hope you soon get some answers to your problems, we are, as always, here for you. Lots of love to you both ❤️ Xx Jane
Hi Jane and thank you for your message. I spoke to him a couple of hours ago and he was in agreement about talking to someone. This surprised me but proved to me that he must really feeling at rock bottom.
I hope it will help him.
Hugs to you. Xxxxxx
This has to be hard on you both, is there a counselling service you can attend at your hospital? Perhaps your partner is finding it difficult right now as he may feel everying in his life is rotten. Are there any courses available to him to help him find another job, do social security do anything like this in UK, they do in Ireland. Maybe get out and about go for a coffee or a drink and chat and tell him you are worried about him, and that you are also scared. I am sure you can try and see if you can work something out together.
Thank you for your reply. Yes he feels like his whole life is crumbling. I guess it is in a way. He had a good job and expected to be in it till retirement. Then he worries about me and my illness.
I think he is coming round to the idea of needing to speak to someone though.
As if you haven't got enough to deal with, Suzanne. There is so much in the news about mental health at the moment but still not much help. He's still on the downward spiral by the sound of it and they say that you have to hit bottom before you can start coming back up.
I do think you should talk to a professional about it because with the extra worry you're not going to be able to pull yourself through. (As if I know what I'm talking about, it's all guess work with me).
Whatever you decide you can't keep on like you are it's not doing either of you any good. If you're like me even when all seems well you're waiting for the next episode.
Exercise is very good for depression but other than that I don't know what to say. I wish I could help.
Hi Zena. Aww thank you for your reply. He is on a downward spiral. He says his life is crumbling all around. I think he is going to seek help though so that’s a good thing.
Hi Suzanne, Sorry I haven't got back to you but I've been in hospital. Went to A&E Friday afternoon as I couldn't get a doctors appointment. I had very strong pain in my stomach. They said there was nothing wrong and sent me home. I was really sick Saturday morning but felt a bit better. By Sunday evening I was in a right state and went back to A&E. I was really sick again in the waiting room this time. It turned out I had a blocked bowel due to the scar tissue from my operation. I wondered why it took 4 years but was told it could even happen after 40 years and can return at any time. I came out this afternoon and you're the only person I've emailed today.
I'm a bit tired now as we're still sorting out our holiday which thank goodness we are still going on. It was a bit of a worry that we'd have to cancel and not get a refund as I'm not covered for anything to do with the cancer. I've sorted it out this afternoon and I'm now covered for everything. It cost me £85 for a year but it's worth it for peace of mind. Wouldn't want to get caught out in America with no insurance.
I doubt I'll be online much over the weekend so I do hope everything has started to improve for you.
Thanks Suzanne, This should be my last day on this site for this month. I'll put a general post on.
You poor thing, it's just one thing after another. Sometimes it goes like that. I always say we need the bad to know when it's really good. It doesn't help though.
I'm still a bit worried that I'll have problems on holiday but at least I'm well insured and I've heard the doctors on the cruises are very good.
How awful for you. I know people have suggested finding support for your husband and I hope you can. But just in case he doesn't find anywhere or he doesn't access it (my husband wouldn't I know), I'd suggest going to counselling on your own so you can talk this through with a third party. I'm in Sheffield and we have the wonderful Cavendish Centre where i got one to one support when I was struggling with diagnosis, but I was also offered counselling at the GP's.
Wishing you love and a way forward for you both xxx
I do think he’s coming round to the idea of getting some counselling. I think he needs to. He only has me to talk to and he can’t openly discuss my illness with me. Some parts he can but there might be things he needs to express which wouldn’t be good for me to hear.
Hi Suzanne. I'm so sorry that you and your partner find yourselves in such a horrible situation. I can't add much to the advice you have already been given, but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you both. Much love Ali xx
Thank you for your message. I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. It’s so difficult isn’t it. Just have to hope that next year will indeed be a better year.
Thinking of you. Xxxxx
Oh Suzanne, what a horrible situation for you both. Life is being extra cruel right now. He is clearly very depressed and ought to see his GP asap. It’s natural afterall, he’s lost his job, the woman he loves is living with this crap disease, he probably feels totally out of control. He might need some help for a while either with medication or talking/counselling, please please try to persuade this!
As for you my sweetheart you don’t need this additional stress, you’ve a lot to deal with and need support. Unless it’s really necessary I don’t think splitting up is what either of you need. If you need a chat, I’m always here
Thank you so much for your message. It’s a horrible situation. I feel I’m hanging by a thread. I try so hard to keep happy and smiley but it’s difficult when he’s so low. I think he will seek help as he is so down. I hope he does.
There is much wisdom in the responses to your post and I’m not sure I can add to them. Talking is always a good therapy, especially with someone who is trained to help.
I’m sending you my best wishes and positive thoughts and hope that there is a way forward for both of you.
Thank you. Yes the general response is for him to talk to someone. I think he will. He’s that low. He needs to talk it out.
I hope everything is good with you. Xxxx
Another organisation it might be worth a look at is CALM ( campaign against living miserably) . It’s aimed specifically at men, because of the difficulties many have with dealing with life’s ups and downs.
I think you've had some really good advice ( this forum is so amazing )
I think men cope very differently to us woman and I know my partner threw himself into work, it was his way of focusing on something he could control, to keep a roof over our heads etc. So perhaps your partner is feeling like he's not helping/ contributing due to his redundancy. I too feel guilty about the devastation my illness causes to my nearest and dearest, but friends remind me it's not my fault. I'm sure you have friends like that too. It sounds as if he hasn't got that support network, so it comes down to you. When you are already trying to keep yourself afloat. It's so hard. I think a trip to the GP -a place he can talk openly and be directed to some sources of support. There is so much help out there, often it's just a case of seeking it out.
I think many of us can empathise with you, I do hope things improve for you, you've enough to cope with and the breakdown of your relationship would only add to your burden. Don't let this disease destroy something you want. I think that's the 1st question to ask each other, then go from there. Good luck, it's hard xxxx
Hi Suzanne, as usual the ladies have given you some good advice and I know just being able for you to let it all out helps.
I can fully understand how you feel. my husband lived in the USA for 25 years and when his marriage break up came back to Australia, and left his life of the last 25 years behind.
He has a daughter here but no men friends we have been together for 9 years and the last 3 I've had cancer, I know it's hard on him and I feel guilty which does not help that he now lives this life be course of this cancer.
We seem to be bickering over the smallest things, last week I told him to take a break from me, so he went up the coast by himself for a few days, I was glad when he came back but deep down I enjoy the free time to myself.
like you I feel he would be better off with out me, then I get scared I know I would not be better off with out him.
Your husbands added pressure of worrying about losing his job is total understandable I'm glad he is considering talking to someone, maybe other carers would be a good start.
I love painting but lately I've lost all interest, but the other day went out a purchase a large canvas, I think it's a good idea for you to do something enjoyable for yourself also, you write lovely poems maybe you could write some for him letting him know how you feel.
I do wish you both all the best and love together in the future..Take care Lorraine xx
Hi Lorraine and thank you for your message. I’m sorry you are experiencing something similar. This wretched disease has a lot to answer for. I as a dream last night that my partner joined the navy for 12,years. Strange dream but quite telling.
I think I might write a book of poems. I always say I will but don’t get around to it.
I hope you are ok and getting on ok with your husband now. Thinking of you. Big hugs. Xxxxxxx
He sounds depressed. I vote with he needs to see the Dr. and get himself checked out. If he’s not doing anything while in the job hunt he can still do some volunteering. Helping others may help him to feel better about himself . You both are under a tremendous amount of stress and I hope things start looking up for you both soon. Take care!
Yes he is depressed. He says his life is crumbling. I don’t even mention the cancer word to him as he thinks I’m trying to outdo him. I just try and explain that I’m going through stuff too, but I’m trying so so hard to keep it together and keep positive.
I have read all the really good advice and I agree with it all especially about counseling for your husband. It has to be so much worse on loved ones than for the patients. All Cancer specialists will agree with that . Add to the mix losing your job and you have recipe for depression. I am glad to see now that he has agreed to go . It’s tough but you will get through it . Take care.
I'm so sorry you are both in a bad place. It does happen - it has even happened to me and my lovely hubby early on after diagnosis. You are both filled with anger, pain, sorrow and guilt. Your partner for losing his job and a double whammy as the woman he loves is suffering. You are angry too about your situation and probably a little over him losing his job and with that goes all the stress and worry over whether he will find another job or whether you will beat the cancer. One thing alone can be enough but you have a double whammy. No wonder you argue and say things that you don't mean. It is how our anger comes out. But, there are solutions so please don't give up and please don't split up. You need each other more than ever now.
I don't think your partner is depressed as it is easy to label being angry/anxious/feeling helpless as depression. I've had a really tearful week this week but I am not depressed - just anxious and fearful at the moment. A trip to the GP will only end up with him or you taking pills which would probably numb you to what's going on and you need to get it all out. You both need someone who is not known to you personally to help you get all that anger and frustration out. You won't affect their lives by what you tell them as they are not emotionally connected to you. I have a wonderful lady named Sue from Cancer Support France and my hubby has Roy, from the same organisation. Neither Sue nor Roy know each other so there's no discussion between them. We get a phone call every week, or more if we need it, and we take ourselves off to another room and talk until we've done. Roy is also a counsellor and phones hubby separately for phone counselling and the difference in him in a short time has been wonderful. We rarely ask each other what we talked about - which is how we like it. If one wants to say then that's fine too. Now, when I am tearful (angry and frightened), which I have been all week, instead of him getting upset because I am upset, he's loving and kind and makes me laugh. Before, I would have to hide my feelings for fear of upsetting him (as you are doing now by not talking about your cancer) and that didn’t do me any good at all as I would kick off unnecessarily and make the situation worse.
I do have a couple of things that I do when I feel the anger in me bubbling up. One, I get a big fluffy pillow and punch the crap out of it. Lots of people have hurt me recently (another story) so that helps me to get the anger out and when I’m able, I find a big empty field and scream and shout obscenities at my situation. Maybe I frighten a few animals but it does me good. Both are good therapies otherwise anger is like a bottle of fizzy pop which is shaken up but the top doesn’t come off. Best to let the top off bit by bit, to a listener, and not let it go all at once and damage someone you love with the torrent that comes out.
I hope you can both find someone at Cancer Support UK, or somewhere else. Sooner rather than later. I'll be thinking of you and here's a link - cancersupportuk.org/
Hug each other tight and get this problem sorted soon - together. End of lecture.....
Can't add anything further to all the supportive messages you've received. I think often it's harder for the man to "get a grip" around this horrible disease. I know my man has found it really hard to accept my condition, more so than myself, and I've found myself trying to support him!! With your man also loosing his job is a great big double whammy. I often think women are the stronger sex! I do think he might benefit from some form of counselling but we found getting out of the house and going for long walks in the countryside helpful and talking.
So very sad to hear of your problems. Can't add anything new to what has been said already. No idea what hubby did for a living but perhaps he could apply for a temporary Xmas job, there are quite a few being advertised at the moment. It hugs to both of you
Hi Suzanne. My heart aches reading your post. My husband has been in a bad way since my diagnosis 12 months ago. He was especially affected by the loss of our ability to have a biological family together (we were doing IVF when I was diagnosed, he's not so keen on adoption). One of the things I kept reading on here/Instagram etc is posts from women saying how their partner is their rock, how they couldn't get through it without them, how it's brought them closer etc and I can tell you, reading that made me so sad. Happy for them (of course) but sad that I couldn't say the same thing. I've often wondered if we can get through it and I too suggested he leave me to find someone he can have a family with. But he's still here and things are finally looking up. Time has been the key but a couple of other things have helped.
1) It sounds obvious but it really took me a while to realise the enormity of this situation on my husband. He is so closed and self-contained, he rarely talks about his feelings so I've had to interpret his silence and sometimes I've interpreted it incorrectly. Now I don't interpret, I ask and I'm also aware that he's sad and angry at the situation (rather than me) and I'm less defensive.
2) A couple of months ago he went to his GP and has started taking antidepressants with regular GP reviews. He's also talked to a counsellor although he hasn't shared the details with me. As so many others have said, talking to somebody can be so helpful so I'm glad to read you say he seems willing to try.
3) He has dived head first into a new hobby (cycle touring. "I'll just leave my problems here and ride into the sunset...." Lols, I do think it's helping, very cathartic). Does your partner have anything he particularly likes to do or used to like, that you can gently nudge him towards?
My psychologist made this analogy: after my cancer diagnosis I wanted more from my husband emotionally but at exactly the same time, due to his own grief, his "giving bucket" was depleted; he had very little left to give. And so the gap between my needs and his ability to meet them widened. Does that make sense?? Could your situation be similar?
I so hope he can the help he needs so that you can continue to support each other. Sending love xxxx Kirsty
Kirsty, your insight is remarkable. You worked hard to see his perspective which many healthy people don't or wouldn't take the time and effort to do. Hugs to you.
I can't really add to the great counsel you've already been given by all the amazing teal warriors on here. Can only echo their comments and hope you can both move on together. Perhaps breaking down (as shocking as it was for you) might have helped relieve some of the terrible stress you're both living under at the moment.
Your focus should be on you (and it's absolutely not selfish) and I hope you can get support for both of you to get back on track.
Thinking of you and wishing I could help. Hoping all the advice from the others has given you a way forwards.
Hi Suzanne. You’ve had some superb advice and support and there is nothing I can add except perhaps that your CNS may be another source of support ideas. Living with this diagnosis had a profound effect on our loved ones and it is so hard not to feel responsible however wrong minded that is. Sending you love and hugs Jo 🌹🌼🌻🌸🌺
Sorry to hear about your problems. Very good advice from everyone here.I hope you can find a solution.You need to persevere and stick together. It is so easy to take the easy way out. Feeling your pain and hoping things will all work out. Take care.xx
Awwww Suzanne, I'm so sorry to read your having such a difficult time. Recurrence is tough enough without the additional stresses you currently have. It is understandable that these things are putting a huge strain on your relationship. I don't have anything to add to the other ladies but agree a trip to the Gp and/or counselling sounds like it would do you both good. Macmillan also have financial advisors that you can chat to over the phone so that might be worth exploring too. I do hope you can both get some support. Take care. Jo xx
Hi Suzanne, just seen your post. I feel sad that you are both going through this. I do hope that you find a way through, I cannot begin to imagine how tough this is for you both. My now hubby and I hadn't been together long (about 12 months) when I was diagnosed and I tried to finish with him for his sake but we got through and hopefully you will too. Thinking of you both and sending you both a hug. Kathy xxx
Hi Suzanne---love that we have some things in common but not necessarily THE things we have in common. When my husband lost his job--it was a long time before he found another. He was inconsolable at times and after awhile I realized it may be better for me to TELL him what to do that to ask if he can figure it out (to be happier). I insisted he volunteer so his whole days weren't spend thinking about or looking for work (I had not been dx yet and that would certainly add to his lows) but he did it--he volunteered at a dog shelter (because he loves animals) and helping rebuild a bit after US Hurricaine Sandy. I have to tell you--he got to know some other guys, he had a routine, he felt he was doing good and his mood improved as well as his interactions with me, the family, etc. It was really an amazing change. If you can get him to volunteer--something he loves where they would love the help--you will see that by getting out and not thinking about you or himself for awhile each day or a few days a week may change the poor guy's mood so much. (Also, after he got a job, he kept volunteering for the shelter and still does--very connected and a nice escape for him at times with all going on). Hoping this passes. You could use some sunshine in this situation. oxox
This is an excellent suggestion by Maxjor. My hubby was out of work many years ago when the children were small. We got £9.60 per week plus family allowance from the social to feed and clothe a family of six. We almost lost our home because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Talk about stress! But hubby became the village "do anything man" just to stop him going mad and we didn't have a car either as it was a company car and it went with the job. He fixed things, cut grass, tidied up the graveyard, anything. The villagers paid in kind with food and clothes for the children and a chance conversation with a villager one day led to a job.
The passage of time had buried the memory until I read this post. I hope it sparks an idea in your partner Suzanne. So many volunteering positions out there. Good luck. Xxx
How awful for you both. Don't mistake his moods for lack of love or not wanting to be with you. I've told my partner to go three times. Why should he stay? He is not married to me and he didn't sign up for this. Well I've lost each time. He loves me and wants me cancer et al. I told him to find someone else whilst he is relatively young but I upset him thinking he would leave me. Im sure your partner not being able to work must be awful. Can he talk to someone. You have so much to deal with right now. Don't beat yourself up and add blame. Take care xxx
So difficult, for both of you. Talking to someone outside the situation might help him. Does he have any outdoor hobbies or sports he can do. Just to get him out of the status quo can help. I know most men just won't talk about how they are feeling, so I guess he may not agree to any of it, but it may be worth a try. He loves you and I'm sure he wants to be there for you. Big hugs to you, stay strong xxx
Me and my partner have been in similar place earlier this year. I nearly started to search for some nice woman for him.
My heart still weaps thinking about it. Recurrence makes it all much harder. We were struggling for some time. Distance grew between us.
Luckily we were both able to get one to one support and group support later on and it helped a lot. My partner had some counselling sessions at Maggies centre and he also found support in groups for carers- relatives looking after close one with variouss disseases.After time, we both started to do some activities we enjoy, some on our own, some together. To have our own space helped as well.
It seems it brought us even closer. It's not always easy, facing recurrence, but there are moments worth to "fight" for.
I hope your partner could access some support. I believe our close ones need it as much as we do. Journey with cancer is tough for us but for our close ones as well. I hope you'll find a way to get through it together. And hope sharing my own experience will be of some help to you.
Thank you all so much for all your wise and wonderful replies. You’ve all helped me do very much.
I started replying to the replies individually but then there were so many. I’ve read every single one and I’m sorry to hear a number of you have or are experiencing the same as me regarding my partner. Bloody cancer takes so much from us.
All of your messages say the same, for my partner (and me too perhaps) to get some sort of counselling and support. I spoke to him yesterday and he does agree so that’s a definite positive.
I don’t know what I would do without this wonderful forum. You ladies are incredibly supportive. From day one of being on here, I felt more positive and felt supported and cared about.
Huge thanks to each and every one of you.
You’re all incredible and I hope you are all doing ok.
Suzanne333, Forgive me if I'm repeating other's advice. There are so many responses to your post that I didn't even try to read them.
Men don't cry much. So, when they do, it's a big deal. Your partner needs a counselor or support group where he can speak his thoughts without fear or judgment. He may also need a medical doctor for profound depression. He's exhausted. The loss of his job and the possible loss of YOU robs him of everything. He is grieving. His tears are a sign that he's completely worn out and needing help to cope with all that's going on. Get him help! We may have cancer, but our loved ones needs don't stop.
It sounds like you don't have children, so at least their welfare doesn't enter into the mix. I've had cancer twice and gotten used to knowing my life probably isn't going to be as long as I'd expected. The idea of a threatened existence is a very big "ask" of a youngish partner. So, please, find a place for him to talk through his fears and get him medical help, so that you BOTH can help each other.
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Support through treatment.
Well , it's all been a bit of a winder !
A little good news ..
