Is it strange that although I have 3 children, a lovely husband, 5 siblings and whole heap of beautiful people in my life I feel so alone 😢

I have 2 weeks left to chemo and all I'm thinking is how I want time to stand still so I don't have to go again and I know I ONLY have 2 more rounds to go and I know how bloody brave I have been but in tired and fed up today... I'm fed up I can't enjoy food anymore, I hate that every time I go out anywhere I will see someone who stares at me, like they can see the cancer 😬

I'm fed up of how weak this has made me physically, pulled my back whilst pick up a shopping bag, mentally thinking this is it... This is how I will live the rest of my life... I'm 33 and intend to live a lot longer!

I just want it to be over

23 Replies

  • Sorry to hear you are feeling low. It will be over soon but I can understand why you just don't want any more treatment. I have felt very alone because the people around me are on the outside. They don't know what's happening to me and can't exactly share my fears. That's why this forum is so important.

  • Hi,

    It is a very important forum indeed.

    Thank you x

  • I think cancer can be a very lonely disease.I was having a bad day yesterday and I was in my house on my own,everyone was doing their own thing and I contacted a lady I know through this site,just because I needed to chat to someone who knows how it feels.

    That is what is so good about this site,because we all know what it is like,we all have different journeys,but all have the same feelings and fears.

    You are very brave,it is hard,but worth enduring,I am just over 2 years into remission and have good and bad days.It may be worth having councelling to help after you complete your treatment,to help cope with day to day life.

    I hope you arrange to treat yourself at the end of your treatment as having things to look forward to does help.

    Remember,we are always here for a chat,

    Carole xxx

  • Thank you

    Today is a better day. I will definitely look into arranging a treatment, that sounds like a god idea x

  • Hi there. You are never alone on this forum. I agree with Carole that some counselling might help. You might ask your CNS about this, or a local cancer charity - they often have specific people who can give support for those with a cancer diagnosis. What you are going through is tough both on your body and your mind and there are people who can make it easier. Just ask.

    And of course there are us lot on here too...

    Take care, Netti

  • Thank you

    I did have counselling for first line treatment but this time round I thought I would be fine!

    will look into it again


  • I want you to know that you are certainly not alone in having these feelings. Personally I have come to accept these dark times, and know that nothing lasts for ever, and that these feelings too will pass. It allows me to mourn this new depleted way of life, but also accept that the future will bring unexpected happiness, even if this is just walking round a beautiful garden and feeling a surge of joy. (this has happened)

    Always feel able to voice your feelings on this forum. We are here to share one another's joys and fears.


  • it is absolutely the small things in life that bring me joy now!

    Thank you I always try to remember this time too will pass x

  • We all get how that feels. I find that because I'm back at work and back to normal physically , my friends and family think I'm better. Yes I've been in remission since end of January but am so scared of recurrence. If I speak about my illness or anything to do with it for example my hair growth, then people say to me ' no talk of cancer, you're better now'. I think they think I'm an attention seeker so I tend to keep quiet and get on with things. I get lonely and sad not being able to speak to those closest to me.

    I have to live with this but they don't want to.

    Thinking of all you ladies and thank goodness for this site. Xxxx

  • Suzanne, this sounds really awful. Please don't just keep quiet and soldier on... I tried that and ended up having a complete meltdown! You need support now as much as ever. Have you tried going for a coffee with a close friend or relative and explaining how you feel and being clear about what you really need from them now, that this is a life changer and won't ever be 'over' for you (even if you never recur, which I really hope will be the case). Sometimes people just need to be educated! They probably mean well.

    Spes x

  • Aww. Thank you Spes. I don't really have anyone. Not that wants to talk about my illness. I just plod along. Everyone thinks I'm ok and that I always will be.

    I hope everything is good with you


  • I do hope you will be Suzanne.

    As soon as my first line chemo was over and I was told I had NED, everyone assumed I was better, little did they know how alone and frightened I really was. I was honest with them all from the start and told them exactly what the oncologist had said to me on our first meeting, they all dismissed this with their own stories of people they knew who had cancer etc. I will never forget the look on some of their faces when I had to tell them it was back.

    It is very insensitive of them to say the least, i wonder how they feel if the shoe was on the other foot! Big hugs. Ann xx

  • Hi Ann. You are so right. I think people just think once you get in remission then you're fine and always will be.

    It can be such a lonely disease.

    They say oh there are so many positive stories, it wont come back etc etc. It's like they just want to dismiss the whole subject. We have to live with it. It's so difficult. Xxxxx

  • oh my lovely, that's exactly how I feel, like I'm attention seeking :(

    I get the whole, Don't let cancer beat you, Don't let it take over your life! Jeez it already has!

    Wishing you the best x

  • Hi Asma.

    I guess we all get that from people. They just don't understand and they won't, they can't. I wish they could just give me some time to talk about my fears etc. I tend to get by with humour and positivity which I don't always feel.

    I'm so thankful for all the lovely ladies on here. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make all of us well and healthy. Xxxx

  • I am waiting for my 5th chemo which was put back after my dog bit me. I have been so tired, breathless and fed up but am now 4 weeks after my 4th chemo and am picking up a bit-so hoping that, after the 6th I won't have to wait too long to feel better!

  • wishing you the best for your last 2 chemos x

  • The last few words you have written in your post are important. You must live your life to the full and no reason why, especially as new treatments and combinations of treatments coming along all the time, you shouldn't have a long life. Its normal to feel very alone at times. I have often felt like that even with supportive friends and family. It is natural as only fellow sufferers know how you feel. I finished second lot of chemo in January. Am recovering, hopefully from bowel and ovarian cancer so try to keep positive. Signs good at present. You will soon get full strength back after chemo finishes, I found within two months felt so different and you will too. Just remember that you are not alone, loads of us in similar position and know how you feel. I think within a short time frame cancer will be a manageable disease. So much research going on. xx

  • Thank you for your kind words, today is a better day. I just have to remind myself that once this is over i can do things that i want to do. But as my husband reminds me I'm still doing all the thing I want to do apart from working!

  • Hello Asma

    What you are feeling is totally normal and understandable, most of us on here have felt like you at times. Especially as it gets towards end of chemo as the side effects are cumulative, you feel so exhausted and overwhelmed by everything you have been through the past few months. But you will get to the end of treatment and a few weeks after that you will be feeling so much better, I promise you. But as Suzanne says, sometimes people act as if it is 'all over' and you just go back to 'normal' - which obviously is very difficult to deal with. It's important not to feel you can't talk about it as that makes you feel even more alone and weighed down by it all. I'd agree, it may be helpful to find a counsellor to help you through, I have done that and still see one now.

    You have a strong will to live, that helps, and you are young - too young for this c**p I know - but that also helps in your recovery from treatment. You are not alone there will always be someone on here to talk to on the bad days. And don't forget to accept any help that is offered, it helps you and it also lets people in and helps them understand what you're going through.

    Love and hugs

    Madeline xx

  • Thank you for your kind words x

  • No, it's not strange at all. I think we've all been there. At the beginning for me, I too felt lonely, yes I was surrounded by loving family and friends but none of them really understood when I was going through chemo, they could see I was suffering badly from side effects, they could give me a cuddle etc but they didn't feel like i was feeling. You know that old saying, don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes, I so wanted to say that to some people but didn't because I realised they just didn't know what to say to make it better. Many a time I felt like I just couldn't go for the next session but I always did, I dusted myself off, put a smile on my face and got on with it and then suffered in silence again. Why? Because I didn't want to upset my loved ones. I had upset my husband by telling him when he phoned to see how I was feeling that I would rather be dead than go through this. I could hear him gulp. I was so upset I had said it but I couldn't take it back so I vowed to myself that day I'd never ever let my deepest thoughts come out to my loved ones, it wasn't fair on them, or me as I sobbed so much afterwards. I'm almost 4 years on now and I'm enjoying my life.

    You will get through this, you have so much to live for. The ladies on here are brilliant and know what your going through and will support you. Remember, tomorrow is a new day. Big hugs. Ann xx

  • Thank you for your beautiful words Ann,

    I too said this to my husband after my last chemo... when I drive past the hospital I feel chills and count down the days to my next chemo.

    2 weeks till chemo 5 then 1 month after that till chemo 6 and i can pick myself up again x

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