I was diagnosed last February 2018. Since that time I've had to start three different treatments. The current treatment is working but with a great deal of side effects that have really curtailed my life as I know it. I've had to completely change everything I've been used to eating. My activity is very limited since my heart is inflamed and excessive activity causes it to really act up and makes me hurt for days and weeks afterwards.
And this last week I turned in my resignation at work and went in and collected my things. Two small boxes summing up a 25-year career. I've been officially on disability for the last 10 months. I'm not sure how to absorb all this. It's been difficult.
and every time a medication has a rotten side effect, they put me on something else and it's been a roller-coaster trying to keep up with my body's responses to the meds.
I want to be my old me. I went to be able to get back and go to work and interact with people and see something fun and be able to participate, I can't even do my own house work. I'm struggling with how to take on this completely different lifestyle. I'm sure the medications have something to do with how hard this is hitting me and the depression factor. Those of you who are facing similar experiences, how have you been dealing with this? I feel like crying everyday.and I have never been that kind of a person. I've always been very pragmatic and positive and taking things as they come. I'm struggling to want to continue doing this for however long it seems to be taking. As far as my situation goes this is a permanent situation. Unless a miracle happens this is my existence. It's hard to comprehend that this isn't a situation that I just have to get through and then things will be back to normal on the other side.
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From everything you've written it sounds completely normal. I'm sure the ladies on here feel like that and coming from a carers point of view because of how close I am to the lady I look after I know I've felt like that, it maybe worth talking to your Macmillian nurse who might be able put you in touch with a team to help you deal with this if you don't want to go through your GP especially if you don't want antidepressants they might be able to put you in touch with a counselling service. XXX
Callmemum is right, your life has been turned upside down so it’s not surprising you feel depressed.
I have found that talking to a Counsellor helps. I haven’t needed to often but when I’m feeling negative about my situation I just dump all that negativity onto the poor Counsellor and leave, usually after sobbing my heart out, but feeling a lot better. You can only do that with a stranger who will just listen!
I had taken early retirement before diagnosis so didn’t have to face leaving work because of OC, but I’d left work to care for my mum, which I did for 3 years. I had 9 months after she passed and was diagnosed with stage 3c OC and the rollercoaster started. The hardest thing was not being able to look after my garden, that was my hobby and sanctuary. I was very down for a while but then I went on an art course, I missed much of it due to chemo etc but I got a buzz from it and I’ve kept it up. I exhibited last month!
You have to find something to take your mind away from all the bad stuff. It’s not easy when you hurt and have no energy so be gentle with yourself, just do a little at a time, but do something absorbing and distracting - and if you can’t afford a cleaner to do the housework ask for help from family and friends, sometimes they are so glad to be able to do something for you.
You will get some good ideas and support by reading past posts on this site. It’s hard to deal with alone but there is help available.
Checking the side-effects of the meds your on might be a good idea - I found that one antiemetic made me very drowsy and another caused me to be irritable, I was glad when I stopped needing them.
You have done amazingly well to get to this point without being completely gutted but you are allowed to grieve for your old life, for that freedom and certainty. Talking to someone is a good idea and your CNS or Macmillan nurse should be able to suggest something. I would also talk to them about the side effects and see if your doses might be lowered a bit so that you get a better quality of life- it’s important. Sending you lots of love 💕 xx
So sorry to hear you are feeling depressed, you have been through a lot, you have resigned from work and you now have extra time on your hands, this can easily lead to isolation and depression, a cancer diagnosis doesn't just mess with ones body, our minds take a massive hammering as well. I was very depressed once the realisation that this situation is my forever, it is a daunting prospect, one which overwhelmed me and my mind had difficulty processing it, but process it you must to enable you to move on. I found taking one day at a time helps enormously, and on the days that seems too much, take one hour at a time. Be kind to yourself, I am here for you anytime you need to chat. Take Care xx
So sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you do articulate very well what so many of us have experienced.
As others have said your response to it all sounds completely normal but having said that it does not mean you have to manage these emotions on your own. In the same way that we need help to deal with the physical impact of our cancer we also need help with the psychological impact.
I have been treated by a Clinical Psychologist since 6 months post diagnosis and it has helped me more than I can say.
She uses a cognitive behavioral approach to help me change how I think about cancer and my life with it. She obviously cannot change the reality of my situation but modifying how you think about is huge. I was referred to her via Macmillan and she is part of my local palliative care team. I would definitely recommend such treatment.
I would also suggest you have a chat with your GP about antidepressants. It maybe you need just a small lift to help you to deal with things. One of the big symptoms of depression is being unable to imagine feeling better which can of course be a big obstacle when trying to move through the grieving process.
I hope I don’t sound to preachy but I strongly feel this side our our cancer diagnosis is under recognized and consequently under treated.
I really feel for you. I’m 6 months behind you since diagnosis but when I was in chemo I felt like you do. I had just retired and adjusting to that at the same time was especially difficult. You lose your identity from both cancer and leaving work. I don’t know the specifics of your situation but if you are going to be on chemo indefinitely could you take a break from it to have a drug holiday and maybe a little trip? You need something to look forward to. If this is your life going forward it needs some enjoyment. Keep us posted. 💐🌺🌸
Poor you, I feel I could have written your post myself as I am going through a similar procedure. I have had my first appointment with the clinical psychologist at our local Maggie's centre as I was so unhappy. I totally agree with everything flamingobeef writes, we are going through a grieving process and need help to manage this. What you feel is perfectly natural and to be expected as many group members will tell you. What the psychologist can do is help you manage your loss and depression in a less painful way. I strongly recommend you try and see a psychologist, after one session I felt calmer (I feel I am in a bubble of fear and sadness) but realise that I need help to manage my thoughts and depression and I need to learn to adapt to my "new life". We are having to adapt to tremendous change that we didn't expect and it is very difficult. However, please know that you are not alone, you will receive a lot of support from this group who are facing similar situations. I am also joining a group for this, at Maggies and am going to take anti depressants while at this raw stage. It feels impossible at present but with support we can get there! Be kind to yourself, get help from friends, joining your local groups and use the support of the Macmillan nurses if you can. I hope you have a Maggies centre where you are or something similar I would like to give you a big hug and positive vibes. Please message me or share thoughts any time you want, I don't know how you go about this but I will find out, with warm thoughts we are thinking of you. Love Pat xx
I get it. These lovely ladies summed up most of what I would have shared, so I’ll save it.
I’m a psychotherapist, so I obviously see a lot of individuals who suffer from depression. However, the first criteria for this diagnosis is that the individual’s change in mood/behavior is not attributed to a grief, medication, other diagnosis, etc. As a therapist, it makes total sense that someone would be depressed due to what cancer has robbed them (side effects from treatment, loss of career, etc). However, in my experience, the medical doctors tend to see this type of depressed mood as a problem that needs fixed. For instance, whenever my mom was given just weeks to live, we are justifiably depressed. Like, who the hell wouldn’t be? They kept trying to “fix” her depression. I eventually got rather snarky with the doctor and told them unless they can cure her terminal illness - she is going to have a depressed mood. They eventually shut up! I guess what I’m trying to state is that if you need additionally support, I would try some type of counselor or therapist opposed to a medical doctor or GP. Obviously I’m biased, but in experiencing depression due to my moms cancer, I’ve personally found that counselors could validate my experiences in a way that medical personnel were unable to.
I hear you and completely understand. I too had been working all my life and tried to carry on for 6 months till I finally had to give in as I could not manage the stairs in the old building. Now even getting up and dressed is my major achievement of the morning. Housework what's that frustrating I just cannot do it. My saviour is the hospice. I go to the day centre twice a week taken by friends. I meet people in similar situations we do art clay qi gong music singing games and many other activities. There are lots of therapies available reflexology reiki homeopathy. It's a relaxing day with treatments gets me out of the house which I look forward too. It also makes me feel selfish about the way I feel sometimes when you see people who are a lot worse off than me. There are also nurses to t a lk to. Plus volunteers to chat with. I now have friends there and we have a bond like i had with the people I worked with. Try and find a hospice or so m e sort of support group it may help you. I am so grateful I gave it a try.
Hi. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and that you have to go through this. I have not worked since 3 years ago since diagnosis. I have worked as a Process Psychologist for nearly 40 years and wrote a post on another site mirroring almost what you have written here. The title was "I want me back!" It is so hard on so many different levels. I think talking with a good therapist does help. Also as others say, talking to the nurses, understanding the side effects and how to manage them and also having a good cry, helps!
It's normal to feel depressed and grieve for what we have lost. I always try to 'have the feelings' but not get stuck in them too long. they come and go. Yet I am still up and down emotionally. Even harder when we feel so ill.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs from English gal in Australia.
I am personally not the one sick, but watching my mom going through exactly how you feel is just awful. She was recommended to see a doctor to combat her depression, however little by little she has been adjusting. They recommended she take a low dose of antidepressants. Easier said than done. I know we are all different but luckily the treatment is working, and hopefully sideaffects will subside. There is life and where there is life there is hope. Thinking of you today ❤️
I feel for you as I wake up every day feeling anxious and depressed. I find it helps to go to different classes. I have been to two which are for people with cancer and find them tremendously supportive. It is great to be with people in the same boat though we talk about a lot of other things beside cancer.
I find arts and craft classes very therapeutic even though I’m not that good at art. I helps to get absorbed in the work.
I hope you find something you can get involved in. Leaving work is never easy.
As others say think about a counsellor too. I do hope you pick up soon. You have had a great deal to come to terms with
I've been there. More than once. My fight has been going on four 4 1/2 years. I pry there are better days ahead for you. I am on an antidepressant and it helps. We already take so much what's one more pill. I also had to say goodbye to the old me and hello to my warrior fighter who keeps my mind and spirit in the long battle. I remember waking up from one of my many surgeries telling the Doctor "this is not what I wanted" he answered its not what any of us wanted.💖
Hi, I can identify with all you are experiencing. I was diagnosed Oct 2017, major surgery dec2017 stage 1, Fallopian tube, high grade serous with a good expectation of “cure”. 6 carboplatin treatments later getting ready to return to work but convinced it wasn’t gone. Persuaded oncology consultant to re ct me and there it was, resistant, in lymph nodes, in -,operable and non curative. Given 6-9mths at best Oct 2018. Urgent Ill health retirement from work. Not how I’d hoped it would be but you don’t choose this path. Having 3 weeks on one week off treatment , with many side effects each one more miserable than last but I’m still here🤗. I have adjusted my mind and expectations and try to enjoy the days I can, and I do. It’s not easy and maybe I am burying my head. I’ve dealt with the practical , end of line stuff I need to deal with now trying to make good memories with friends and family. Like you, I am a very pragmatic person but for me that also means seeing how it is today not getting lost down the rabbit hole of how it might be tomorrow. Today must be a “good” day for me and I hope you can enjoy some good days too. At times it is just so surreal that I can’t make sense of any of it. Happy to share / listen anytime. X
I understand exactly how you are feeling. I was diagnosed in Jan 2016 with stage 4 OC. After the initial shock and the treadmill of treatment and appointments I settled to an acceptance that this is a chronic disease and I may never be free of it. At times I find myself down and frightened for my future. I miss my work, (I had retired but went back two days a week) then hit with the reality that I couldn’t reliably agree days I could work due to fatigue, side effects, hospital visits etc. It has also affected my relationship with my daughters and the grandkids. I always stepped up when needed to help them with childcare costs but they are aware that I’m not as fit and able as I was so don’t ask and I see less of the kids than I’d like. I loved to travel but again that has been curtailed due to finance, inability to carry bags and walk any great distance. It frustrates my husband too as his lifeplan has had to change too! I keep trying to plan future events so that I don’t impact on him and enable him to travel and do things he enjoys without me.
I am a volunteer at my local theatre one or two sessions a month and belong to two singing groups and they have been fantastic, picking me up and not expecting that I’ll be there every week. It does lift me and makes me feel there are still good times and fun to be had. You will be up and down and that’s normal I’d say. This change is permanent and is ok for you to feel that loss to your dreams and future plans. If counselling might help give it a try. Forums like this and social groups where you can meet like people who can help you and understand your fears are a blessing. Sometimes only a stranger can help as you naturally try to protect your loved and hide your feelings and frustrations. I hope the black cloud you are under will lift and you’ll find support and friendship on here. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This was never a part of my life plan and I didn’t know anyone else at the start.
You (we're) dealing with grief.....grief over the physical selves we have lost; grief over lost dreams and hopes for our lives; grief over loss of career or productiveness; grief over loss of faith and trust in just about everything. With cancer often comes several major losses all at once: health, hopes and dreams, athletic pursuits, money and financial stability....need I go on. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss so there is nothing WRONG with you. My counseling focuses on moving through these losses.....I can't emphasize enough....there is NOTHING WRONG WITH US. What we're feeling is normal and natural given the abnormal and unnatural things we are faced with. You/we are not alone. Hugs from Seattle USA.
So sorry that you are going through this. However, please focus on getting stronger each day. You will. I promise. Your body will adjust to the side effects. You will come back as yourself, but, just stronger. I promise. Feeling this way is so very normal. You may not be able to do what you did prior to this and no longer working at your job...but, you will find joy in other things and people. We have all felt so gutted at different stages of our diagnosis and treatments. Then, once you start feeling better, it's a whole new feeling and experience. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers to help you get through this small hurdle. That's all it is. You will do this. Weather you decide to seek out counseling and perhaps a GP for prescriptions, just take care of your body all you can. Drink plenty of water, eat refreshing, clean food and rest whenever you are tired. Your body has been through alot and it needs some pampering. Best to you!
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